But back to your wife. You accidentally helped create this situation by giving her everything she wanted (financially) and making that a priority. And I agree, that her Asian roots probably isn’t helping her overcome placing status and outward appearances at a premium. But you can’t change that either.

I don’t envy your situation. It’s a tough trajectory to change. But once you get right with yourself, and get your mind clear, you’ll know what to do. Right now you’re still in a reactionary mode which is totally understandable when you’re in free fall.

From my personal experience, the decision I make out of fear or are knee jerk in nature are not very effective. All the effective ones come from a place of strength.

This is why historically non-violent resistance has been so powerful. When the oppressor comes at you with force and you in turn respond with force, the oppressor knows exactly what to do. Use force. It’s what they know and understand. But when the oppressed refuse to play the death and destruction game is disrupts the paradigm and changes the dynamics of the roles.

You situation is not life and death but the dynamics are the same. You two have an unhealthy pattern that has developed over the years. And you are both playing roles that you know quite well and can perform perfectly without thinking. Your scripts have been memorized and internalized.

So you need to change the script by changing your role. Will that guarantee it will get better? No. Is it your only option to making things better? Yes.

From what you’ve written, one of the first things you need to shake is this emphasis on how much you make, how financially well off your wife is, and that she doesn’t work. You come back to those points often. I’ve lived through this growing up and seen others live through it as well. It’s demeaning and is viewed as a way of putting someone in their place. It feels awful to be on the receiving end of that attitude. It also misses the point entirely. Why should your financial situation, your advanced degrees, and your wife’s employment status have any relevance to having a string, deep, satisfying. personal connection with your wife? It doesn’t and never will. Placing emphasis on that is like rubbing salt in a wound.

So change yourself first, as that the only thing you can change anyway, and then see how the world and your wife reacts.

I tried all aorts of crazy ass ways to get to her. I tried the dumb ass “I don’t need her” approach, and the stupid begging aproach (which is why I was instantly turned on by this) nothing helped, till this.

Thank you for having this, I’m very glad I found it.

I’m one of the lucky ones that has a husband that helps me around the house and with our 3.5 year old daughter. So in my eyes, he’s a hot, hot, hot!

The only thing I’d like to add is that sometimes even when my husband is very helpful I’m still not in the mood for sex and that’s because, for me personally, 1. I’ve forgotten what it feels like because it’s been say two weeks since last connection (ie you don’t use it, you lose it!) and 2. We make the mistake (and we KNOW we do!) of leaving it as the ‘last task’ of the day. But we talk about this and it helps clear the air and the insecurities.

Anyway, thanks for your enlightened and funny commentary. And good for you for having so many comments!

This blog must rock big time! I’m a new fan.

3 years ago, I ended my 14-year marriage b/c of many of the issues you’ve discussed here. He was emotionally void and not involved with the kids or housework, proving his belief that since he was the breadwinner and I “just” stayed at home with the kids, that he was exempt from those duties. When we were dating, we had sex daily but literally as soon as we got married, he practically stopped having sex with me. He was 24 years old, for God’s sake! He was supposed to be at the top of his sex drive!
I feel for the men who are being continually rejected. It’s not just frustrating, it hurts. Deep down. Well it hurt all that much more that I was a WOMAN who couldn’t get her man to have regular, frequent sex with her. When i caught him masturbating, i was FLABBERGASTED! I did not (and still don’t) understand why a man would masturbate when there is an attractive woman who wants him (now) in the next room!? Long story short, the years of emotional and sexual neglect, occasional emotional abuse (if i confronted him) and the blatant rejection took a major toll on my opinion of myself and on my confidence around sex.

Fast forward to now: I am in a committed relationship with a beautiful, loving, WAY more evolved man and we have a baby. Now, because he is very different than the ex, and I react/respond to him differently, we have different issues in our relationship. But some things are ringing similar. Not sure if they’re truly the same or if it just pushes that button on all that hurt and rejection from the past relationship.

Here’s my current dilemma: we definitely have more sex than i did with my ex, but it is still with me initiating most of the time. He knows i want sex more and he always says he’ll “work on it,” but things only change for a brief time. It hurts. He really is a very sexual person and he absolutely loves the sex (as do I) when we have it. It hurts b/c he IS very sexual and visual and looks at other women, at porn, etc, yet he doesn’t express that by pursuing me? He and i have argued multiple times about him masturbating. I don’t get it! I don’t have a fundamental problem with masturbation, as long as no one is being avoided, ignored or neglected. I can understand why a man who’s not getting enough sex would be masturbating, but why would he be doing that when there’s a loving and willing partner in the next f*@king room who isn’t getting enough sex? From what he says, it sounds like his ex wife rejected his advances a lot and he just stopped initiating and she started cheating. Serial cheating. So i know he has some hurt and baggage around this topic as i do. I try talking to him about it but I tread lightly b/c i don’t want to make him feel bad about himself or guilty for not initiating more or meeting my needs well, as that will only compound the problem. But if we don’t remedy this situation soon, I can feel myself pulling away from him and shutting down. Straight dope dad, what do you think might be going on and what can I do about it?

Get some balls, change your life, and stop blaming everyone else for being unhappy. Or stay in an unhappy relationship and when you’re 80, look back on your life and wonder how good it could have been.

All I’m doing is pointing out what is actually going on and providing some options. I don’t care about what’s fair or what is sexist or not. I only care about what is and what can be done. I’m offering something that can be done, and that is your control. There is no way that being a more attentive partner and a more involved dad can possibly hurt you. There is no downside. It’s like a healthy diet and exercise. Will it give you a six pack and make you live to be a hundred. Who knows? But you will definitely be better off if you do. There is no downside to living well.

Do women also have to do their part to have a great sex life? Of course, but that is not in your control. All you can really do is change your own behavior and hope the other person changes theirs as a result of you changing the game. That’s why accepting reality as it is and then focusing on what you can do to change your own behavior accordingly is so powerful. It changes the dynamics.