My wife and I continue to look for ways of improving out sex life and so far so good!

I remember a few years back when I was particularly stressed out about a client who was trying to rip me off by weasling out of a $10,000 invoice and my partner’s getting all worked up and pointing out what I should do and laying blame.

I flat out stopped her and told her I just need her support right now. I asked her how she would respond if one of her female friends we’re going through the same thing.

She said, “I’d just be supportive and not try to fix or judge the situation.”

I said, “well that’s exactly what I need right now. I just need you to back me up on this.”

And that’s what she did and it felt great.

Your “bait and switch” observation is quite accurate I believe. I’ve seen both men and women do this and it’s not pretty.

Thanks again for such a wonderful post. After so many angry husband comments yours was a welcome relief. Of course, you’re a woman so these angry guys will just dismiss your advice as trickery and manipulation. Too bad for them.

The only thing extra input I might have would be for the other men who are complaining about how they are doing (or had done) the recommendations and it did not help. These suggestions are wonderful for people who are still in the single digit years of their marriage or for ones that still have young children. The longer that one or both people sit and ignore the sexual or emotional needs of the other – the harder it is to get back what was lost. If a man has gone 10 yrs or more in his marriage with a wife who has been raising children and their sex life is null even after him helping it might be due to resentment on the wife’s part. I am not too proud to say that most women feel like they do the majority of the child rearing and housekeeping. We are also “raised” not to ask for help and we often times mistakenly think that our husbands (partners) should just “Know” when we want help and what to do. Just like men (IMHO) think that women should just “Know” that they always want and need sex. And when that other person does not just “know” and you have to stoop to asking or telling them it can lead to resentment building for the other person. And once this has built for some many years it is hard to get back to the original love that started the relationship.

I can tell you honestly that most women are basically spoon-feed the idea of a soul mate from a young age. The man who will always be there, know what you want, help with everything, love you always and do it all without you having to ask. Blame romance novels, society, what ever you wish but this thinking is usually what causes a women to become the frigid nagging shrew that most married men whine about when marriage does not turn out like “promised”. Now I am not saying this is the man’s fault but men are not raised with this same mind set. To be quite honest the “Bait and Switch” works both ways. Men think that women trap them into marriage by giving lots of sex and fun and then take it away once they get their house and kids. Whereas women think that men trap them into marriage with romantic dates and promises and then take it away once they get their heirs and housekeeper.

The key I found is communication. I had no desire to see my marriage collapse or become the typically thing of two people living in a house raising kids but not really loving each other anymore. So I asked my husband what he needed from me. Sex and Support were his answers. My main one was help with the house and kids. So he tries to help out more than he already does and I try to give him more sex than I already did. Most of the time is works beautifully. Every now and them we have to remind each other.

But there are other reasons for lack of sex in a marriage. Like you stated there are some women who lose themselves in the mommy phase. This almost happened to me but I soon figured out that is was a mix of what I thought society was pushing on me (mommy = not sexy) and the hormones from having had a child. Biologically a woman’s body for around two years after a baby sees no reason to get “knocked up” again since they are still raising one child. And biologically the reason that men want sex so much is cause their body is telling them to have as many children as possible, so that their genes survive. This to me is another thing that makes marriage harder. Since we are technically going against our biology by pairing off like we do, rather than living in herds or groups. On the societal side we are bombarded of images of hot young (supposedly) single and childless girl-women all around. It is hard for women that has had her body change as a result of child birth to see herself as sexy when it seems that the world is telling you are not. We can’t all be Hedi Klum and Angelina Jolie and get back to our pre-baby selves in a few short works. (Mostly cause they have nannies, housemaids, trainers, etc.) And this can be psychologically upsetting. Especially when you catch your husband drooling over women like that.

Marriage, as well as sex, is work. And in order for you to be good at both you are to work at both. My husband always states that he likes to make sure sex is good for me since that will keep me coming back, well the same is true of the relationship itself.

The purpose of the article was to address a common situation and a proven solution. And yes, lots of women agree with me because it speaks to certain truths, not because they want to trick us into doing more work. It’s not the only solution and I made it clear that the article assumes certain conditions and I stand by my recommendations if your situation matches these conditions.

As for not being officially married and therefor my advice doesn’t count I’ll disagree on that one. It’s true that because of intense cultural conditioning we’re taught that that marriage is the end all, be all for a serious relationship and therefor may people do behave differently once they are married. This applies to both men and women. It’s all too common for couples to view marriage as the end, the prize, rather than a state of being that requires a hell of a lot of work to succeed.

However, most people will live together before marriage and long term coupling as well raising children out of wedlock is on the increase. Someday it may become the new norm.

I’ve also been with my partner for 22 years. The first five years were long distance and we even had a breakup at year number four. We have a seven year old daughter, We’re a single income family and my partner’s a full time stay at home mom. Yet our sex is amazing, not because we are not officially married, but because we make it a priority. We experiment and talk about it. We keep what works and toss what doesn’t. It’s this commitment to a good sex life in a long term relationship with children that more than qualifies me to give married people advice on the subject.

Commitment is a state of mind. I’ve seen married couples that act like they are free and single and I’ve seen new couple act like they’ve been married for 40 years.I’ve seen men who were charming, fit and attentive in courtship only to become out of shape assholes after they got the ring. I’ve seen women do the same thing.

Also, you are only seeing the worst responses because by the time a man goes on the internet and searches for “how to get more sex from my wife” they are already at their wits end and not in the best mood. Some of the commenters are clearly decent, honest dudes trying to make sense of a frigid wife while some are filled with so much hate and anti-women stereotypes that it’s little wonder they aren’t getting any sex and that I’m full of shit.I wouldn’t want to have sex with them either.

But anyway, I’m glad you’ve found what gets your wife excited even if it’s counter intuitive to how you think it should work.

But keep in mind though that your child is only 7 months old. Pregnancy really messes a women up physically. Positions and techniques that worked pre pregnancy may not work as well. She may also develop new erogenous zones. If she’s breast feeding she’ll be touch sensitive from over stimulation. She’ll need more time to get back to a normal sex life especially if the birth was difficult. Also, does she know how you feel? I would suggest explaining how sexual rejection makes you feel. Most women have no idea how sexual rejection hurts our self esteem. For men sex is just not about getting off it’s a validation of the relationship’s health and their partner’s love.

I would also suggest making a sex schedule. If you both know when you’ll be having sex you can relax. She’ll know exactly when she’s expected to get in the mood and you know when you’ll be “getting some”. This allows the both of you to concentrate on other things the rest of the time. And since you know sex is a sure thing, you don’t have to keep trying to pressure and woo her. I know a regular sex schedule’s well worked for us.

I was brought up as a Latino male thinking that women are meant to stay at home, look after kids, clean the house and men are meant to work and bring home the dough. I later grew up in the 80s and 90s and realised that attitude was wrong and women wanted more – MUCH more in life and don’t want to be stuck at home. The girlfriends I had wanted careers and wanted kids too but much later in life – so I guess being 20 something they wanted to enjoy life before kids and perhaps that’s why I got sex much more frequently. I pampared, carassed, massaged and gave women a lot of attention and offered to help and do the chores. And it worked during those early years.

But after I got married and 3-5 years after the birth of my son, the sex started to go slip further and further apart. Eventually we decided we were not in love anymore, and it was over. Pffftt. Just like that.

Now I am into a 4 year relationship with my partner and we have a 7 month old baby. I love her to death and I am very happy – except – yep there is little sex. Being Latino does not help as there is a cliche above our heads that says latino men want sex more than most other men from other countries. Unfortunately IT’S TRUE!

Anyway I help around the house, I do chores, cook and pick up our son PLUS drive around all of the city managing my other older son. So yeah I am also tired, but I still manage to feel horny at night I do want to massage and pamper her, but she is not interested. I try to touch her in a gentle / carassing way on her back, along her legs, along her g-spots that I found under her arms and under her elbows and yeah I get the odd sigh and moan, but that’s it. When I try and push it a little further I get pushed back! That is SO disheartening. It’s a total rejection and it makes me feel like I am ugly, fat, hairy and bald (well I am bald but not fat hehe). I sometimes wonder if she is perhaps Bi and started having an affair with a woman or is flirting with a guy at work (she wears skirts a lot of the time, even in winter when I know she hates the cold!). See!? Lack of sex or women denying their partners sex is evil, selfish and stupid. It leads to marriage breakdowns, and worst – violence and murder as recently shown in the newspapers.

Give your man sex more often ladies and he will give you the world.

It sounds pathetic but seriously. Spice the sex Up!

As for me, there are times I don’t want to have sex with my husband because I’m not horny which I tried to be horny. For me it’s not that I’m tired because I’m doing the house chores, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, and working full time. I am tired but I don’t expect him to do everything for me around the house just to get sex. I guess some women need to be open mind and share with their partner how they feel and etc. I know for sure I don’t like my hubby cheating on me just because he’s not getting enough sex from me. It would hurt me so much (which the world has ended for me) and probably hard to fight him back to my arms again. I would luv to sex him up but just can’t be horny. Like I said to my husband, I don’t want to f**k another man just to make me horny, so I can sex u up. I told him if guys flirt with me or I have sex dreams with a stranger, yes I do get the itch because it’s a new man, new romance, and new p*nis but I’m not those type. (He started laughing). I only want to be his own slutty queen until death due us part. I want to be faithful to him, which I haven’t cheated on him before and hope not (praying to God).

I would tell him it’s just my hormones and I hated so much because I want to have sex with you but I don’t have that desire. I’m suffering too and wish I’m always wet and horny.

For me, my sex desire kicks in during my period and only lasted for two weeks, then I feel like a dead zombie (do whatever you like and wrap it up).

So far I know (who knows, only God) my husband hasn’t cheated on me. I tried so hard to seduce, flirt, talk dirty, be slutty, dress sexy, very touchy, read sex stories, watch pornos with him, talk about us having sex, how I want him to be dom., and etc. just to make him and myself be horny (especially me) so we can make luv every night. There are times I would just tell him go jack off or f**k another b*tch but HONESTLY and TRUTHFULLY I don’t want to share my husband to another woman, love hurts.

Every women are different, talk to your spouse why she is behaving that way. Ask her what she wants, desire, and etc. Is she still in love with you and kindly ask her to open up if she is seeing someone else without accusing and etc. If it doesn’t work, I guess just split the arrow into different routes or go to a marriage therapy.

Happy Valentines!

(Sorry for the long typing, just from my own point of view)

Choreplay = foreplay in marriages with children. And, you are right, you need to NURTURE anything you care about and want to grow.

Can I re-post this on my blog? My blog is about sex, dating, sex toys, etc. http://www.Bliss-Radio.com