I guess my first suggestion is communication. My experience has been that not only do very few couples really make deep, non judgmental, solutions oriented communication a regular part of their life, but that when it comes to sex, the avoidance really kicks in.

A good first step to open a line of communication on this subject is “I want to talk about our sex life. I love you deeply and I’m very attracted to you, but sometimes I feel as if you don’t feel the same way. is this true?”

Now that’s a big, big question but it will get one of two responses. One, no I don’t feel the same way, which means you two have a bigger problem than you thought. Or two, of course I love you and I’m attracted to you, why would you think that? In which case you can explain why you feel the way you do and you you can start working on a solution.

There have a few been times in our relationship where I’ve asked her straight up if she wanted to be with me, because I wasn’t feeling that she was on board 100%. Our course she answered yes each time or we wouldn’t still be together, but it does get at the heart of the matter which allows you to then make the next step which is “ok, so what are we going to do to make things better”.

It’s hard to image that if she’s having really satisfying sex and she’s aware of your needs (as well as her own), that she wouldn’t just do it out of obligation. It would be an experience that she too demanded and expected.

So I suspect, communication is where it starts. You need to find out what’s going on with her sexually and she needs to understand you sexually. There could any number of issues that is creating this situation. But you’ll never know unless you talk about it.

Assuming you both love each other, want to continue your life together, and are both willing to explore ways to be as fulfilled as possible, I don’t see how things couldn’t improve.

The best way to handle these things is there has to be a non negotiable expectation but with a negotiable solution. So your non-negotiable position is that you need regular sex or you can’t function. The negotiable position is how that will be achieved (frequency, who initiates, is it on specific days or is it a set minimum per week, etc.)

She may also have some non-negotiables as well like “I need a couple hours to myself Monday, Wednesday and Fridays”. And it will be your job to offer some solutions to make that happen.

So I would open with your sexual needs first, and then ask how you two can best meet those, and then ask her if there are any things she needs in return.

It will probably go a lot smoother than you think.

For us it was pretty simple. She guarantees 2-3 times per week ( approximately every other day, every third day…it’s not set in stone) and I don’t bother her about. Although when my sexual energy overfloweth and I look at her a certain way (that lusty, wild eyed on the prowl look) she’ll just say something like “yes, tonight” or “sorry, you’ll need to wait til tomorrow”.

But honestly, since we’ve been on the guaranteed minimum with her initiating, it’s been not only liberating but sometimes I even forget it’s sex day and she needs to remind me. Because I know I’m taken care of it frees my mind to focus on other things.

What can I do? I love my wife and have NO interest in seeking sex outside the marriage, call me crazy but it’s a commitment thing.

Somehow I would make the date night happen. Kids and the daily grind of making a living will slowly drain the life out of even the best relationship. As much as me and my partner love our daughter, she can’t provide what we need as a couple. Only we can do that, and she really can’t be a part of it.

As you’ve probably noticed, when you’re interfacing with your wife through your children you don’t feel like a couple – or sexy – you just feel like parents. And parenting is devoid of flirting, sexual advances, and all the other fun stuff that comes from courting. I think we’re programmed that way so when we’re parenting we’re focused on making sure our offspring survive and not getting distracted chasing tail. So it’s not a bad thing in of itself.

So if you don’t put the kids way on a regular basis and focus on being a couple, that part starts to atrophy. Also, couple time is the only time you can actually talk about adult things (like sex and relationships). You shouldn’t have these conversations with the kids around. You couldn’t even if you tried because they would always be interrupting.

This more calm and less resentful part of you gives me hope. I thinks it’s ok to maybe coast a bit on the parenting (and I mean both of you…seems like you two have earned it) and instead focus on each other. Happy parents are the best gift you can give your children. Your children will be fine not being the center of the universe for a bit.

Before you say “well you’re not married so what do you know?” let me set you straight. Some people think that not being married doesn’t really count, but that’s bullshit. Twenty-three years of commitment is twenty-three years of commitment. There’s no way to fake it and we work on our relationship constantly. The first five years of our relationship were long distance (three hour drive each way, every weekend). She broke up with me at year four but then realized she made a mistake and asked me to have her back. We own a house together and she’s been a full time mom since our daughter was born. I work at home so I’m around my family constantly. So I’ve paid my dues, and since we’ve outlasted most marriages, and our sex life is great, I think I know a thing or two about how to build and maintain a relationship.

If some people let their lives fall apart after they get married it’s not the fault of marriage – it’s the fault of the people involved. Marriage doesn’t mean anything other than what you decide it means. It has no value other than what you decide its value is.

But as far as your wife, I wouldn’t have sex with you either. You resent having to be a father and resent being in a relationship. What kind of dad complains that he can’t sleep in or hang with his friends as much as he’d like because he’s got to take care of a child he brought into this world? What kind of attitude is that? That’s a huge turn-off for anyone.

Have you ever spent an entire weekend with your kid, alone, without mom? How many hours on the weekend do you spend, one-on-one, with your kid? At least six? Do you and your wife have at least one date nigh per week? I don’t mean every now and then, I mean every week for the entire length of your relationship. Do you and your wife have regular, deep, honest, goal oriented conversations about the status of your relationship?

I can only assume that answer to all the above is no because I don’t think it’s possible to end up in you situation if you were.

And if you haven’t made these a regular part of your life, then how can you really say marriage sucks.

It would be like never putting oil your a car, filling it with filthy gas, and never doing any repairs, and then saying Toyotas suck, don’t buy one.

As far as the grass being greener. Do you seriously think there are all these single women who are going to be impressed with a bitter divorced father? Unless you are dating psychos, or very young girls who don’t know any better, you’re not going to be scoring like you think.

That’s not a reason to stay in bad marriage, but it’s much easier to invest in a fantasy rather than fix what going on.

Sounds to me that you checked out long ago and there’s nothing your wife could ever do to improve this situation because you are not invested in your family. Maybe she checked out as well and you’re both just letting the relationship crash on autopilot. I don’t know, but I do know that the is no chance for improvement with your state of mind.

I will agree that weddings are a waste of money though. Five grand on a dress you wear once is madness.

Also women are so masculized in todays society, always doing, its diffucult to transition to just being, which is feminine. Be sympathetic to that. Also all if that stress creates cortisol and depletes estrogen, ways to increase estrogen is for her to talk and gather with other women and spend time at the spa or reading or knitting or shoppin, etc.

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I’m also continually amazed at how many women feel that maintaining a decent sex life is optional – something they can choose to provide or not and the man should just accept it.

I’m sure if their husbands decided to just quit their jobs and stop working, of if they just stopped talking entirely, these same women would consider it a serious problem. They would tell their husbands that they need to work whether they like it or not and they better start opening up to because they’re not going to live with a mute for the rest of their lives.

Withholding or avoiding sex with your spouse sex is just as hurtful and abusive as yelling and screaming or shutting down emotionally.They are all forms of neglect if not abuse.

Sex is part of the promise when you devote your life to another person and both people have an obligation to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. This goes for all the parts of the relationship that enabled you to fall in love with them in the first place (sense of humor, values, physical fitness, personality, etc) Neither person has the right to enjoy the parts of the relationship that they like and just blow off the others they don’t. You’re either in all in or all out.

I can tell from all the complaints, that many women have a hard time wrapping their brains around this simple fact.

I think all women should read my sex and men and keeping sex alive essays. It says a lot of things that many women simply doesn’t want to hear but it’s the reality.

But as much as I feel bad for the sexless marriage men, they are also partly to blame. Much like an abused woman who just puts up with it, so do they.

I’m also surprised how long couples let this stuff fester and eat away at their happiness. In my relationship, if the other one is fucking up, they get called on right then and there….and it gets addressed…and solved. Being unhappy and unfulfilled is not an option for either of us. We are also 100% committed to making it work. So if you have two people who will not accept an unfulfilling life AND they are 100% committed to making it work…it works.

I also don’t understand this idea that one spouse can just ignore another ones needs. In my relationship, if the other one thinks there’s a problem, then there’s a problem. Whether you personally think the issue is important or not, or that your spouse in being completely ridiculous, is irrelevant. You can’t have a good relationship if the other one feels they are getting shafted. It seems most woman are fully in agreement with this one, unless it’s sex, and they are no longer interested. Then it becomes the man’s problem and they alone are just supposed to deal with it. How that is supposed to happen is anyone’s guess.

However, I still stand by the premise of the article. In an otherwise healthy relationship, an overstimulated, overworked mom will have a much harder time maintaining a good sex life than one who is rested and supported. This is how women are wired. Men can get still maintain a constant sex drive even during the most stressful and horrific moment of their lives, but most women can’t. Stress and overwork is a desire killer. So for many relationships my advice will work. But like I said in the beginning, you can’t solve deep marital problem by simply helping out more. For the majority of the men complaining on this post, the sexual problem is just a manifestation of a deeply flawed and troubled relationship. The lack of sex is not really the problem, it’s the symptom. So of course I sound like I’m blowing smoke if that’s your situation. It’s like offering a ban-aid to someone with a compound fracture.

Of course it takes two people, and they must both agree that it’s a problem. If one blows off the other one then it’s a problem. I use a simple formula and it’s one that I hope your wife will embrace -”If it’s a problem for my partner, then it’s a problem for me…even if I think everything is fine and they are just being idiotic.”

You seem like a level headed guy who has very good reasons to be frustrated about this. I also think that if your wife will meet you half way it’s totally solvable. But first she has to accept that a sexless marriage is not acceptable. Considering her past robust sexual appetite I’m sure she’d love to have it back as well.

I really do think women use sex for currency or as a weapon – its not like she has to worry about us financially I work a primary tech role and have a second side income for extra.