Comments on: Men and Sex – 7 Things Every Woman Should Know About How Their Boyfriend or Husband Thinks About Sex

By: Chad

Chad — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 04:27:13 +0000

I’m glad I found this page.
For the most part I see both the men and women responding as intelligent and caring.
Here’s a question thats been on my mind for a long time (ladies).
Why is it that women are so aggressive and open sexually early on in a relationship and then more reserved in time.
I’ve experienced this over the last 25 years (I’m 43) and through several healthy long term committed relationships.
It seems like at the point where possibly saying I love you comes into play that the freaky fun stuff starts to peter out.
I’ve been happily married now and with my wife for about 5 years.
At first anything was possible but I’m not sure if it’s that she thinks loving me means she cant ruin the sanctity by being wild and do I dare say slutty.
Please understand saying “slutty” is really just reinforcing what was stated above about what men want and meant with utmost respect to women.
Maybe I should say “free”…No,really I want a woman to be comfortable enough to go crazy.
And as a man that’s what turns me on.
Is coming off as wild and slutty a way of “hooking” a man.
And then women slowly regress to their normal libido and restrictions?
I will say in defense of women that I usually start relationships as much more of a back-massaging,date night,snuggle bunny.
Which I have to admit tapers off as well.
Is that why?
Does my wife think all I’m interested in any more is her boobs and not snuggling?
I truly believed when I made the commitment to marry my wife that I was committing to the trust that allows two people to really explore their sexuality and to go crazier then I could have with just a girlfriend.
But that doesn’t seem to be the case for both of us.

Next thing (bear with me).
My wife and I have 8 month old twins. I work days,she works nights.
We spend about 20 minutes a day together five days of the week and that’s usually juggling babies and getting instructions for the next shift.
So I have time and a need for porn.
I go out of my way to find internet porn of women that look like my wife and it’s almost always of women masturbating alone.
My wife is smoking hot to me and mostly I just straight up miss her and our sexual relationship.
I really don’t think too much about other women (unlike the list above).
But even this adds problems to my situation.
I start to want my wife to be that hot chick thats not intimidated and joyfully toying herself for me (with me).
My point…as much as porn is helping me satisfy a missing part of my sexuality. I’m also kind of expecting things from my wife that she isn’t.
I have tried to introduce porn into our relationship when it started feeling stale.
For me as a man I saw it as exciting and sexual,but more genuinely as a marital aid.
Thinking if only my wife could see how good that woman is giving a hand job or how sexy that woman agressively attacks that guy or exploring new position we hadn’t tried yet or just helping her see and understand how much pleasure all of those people are feeling by just letting go and getting…well,slutty.
But to no avail it has always been an awkward moment when we watch it together.

Ladies, relax. Get through the uncomfortable feelings you may have about porn.
Find a site with plenty of options and own it.
Don’t be afraid to say ,”no. I don’t like that one.Try another one”
It will be exciting for your man and a great way to introduce new ideas into your relationship.
‘Nuf said….Thanks.

By: mav

mav — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 18:36:39 +0000

u have realy awsum way of xplaining want 2 read al ur articles, im also concious dat my huby mastrbate its realy not a prob i gues and he luv me i knw but he like my loks my body hw i can knw ths

By: Anna

Anna — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 04:35:09 +0000

Years ago I thought I knew my husband, but I guess I really didn’t. When first married we had sex once in a while, that went on for about 10 years.Then after that he just stopped sex and intimacy, he stated I was boring, prudish and not at all an interesting person That was 30 years ago. I get nothing no hugs, kisses no hand holding, to him I’m just another person in the world. I’ve tryed to explain I have needs and all he said was go find a boy or girl friend. I’ve been hurt, depressed and lonly for years.

By: Straight Dope Dad

Straight Dope Dad — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 22:29:03 +0000

Did you actually read any of this or are you referring to Nicole and Jodi who really do have partners who choose masturbation over real sex. Not theoretical sex, but sex with their partner who is right in front of them and ready to go. That’s of course, a real problem. No ones suggesting that’s healthy.

But if you’re referring to the article then you misread it or simply don’t like to be told the truth. Masturbation is normal, healthy and a part of most, if not all, happy, loving relationships. I and everyone I know still masturbates and we are also good partners. One doesn’t preclude the other.

By: Sophie Marie

Sophie Marie — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 22:16:22 +0000

This is all a bunch of crap. No one should need porn to screw their significant other. If someone prefers masturbation to real sex they have mental health issues and need to be dumped immediately and you need to find a mature person who is ready for a real relationship!

By: Straight Dope Dad

Straight Dope Dad — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 15:31:17 +0000

If you read my other articles about relationships you’ll see I cover that subject as well (men understanding women’s needs). However, this article is about one subject. How men think. I’m just spelling it out like it is.

By: Alex

Alex — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 07:27:11 +0000

because, you know, after all, you’re the ones chasing us, right? women can always find a guy, but you have to “work” in order to get a girl, so shouldn’t you show a little appreciation? but I guess you can act the way u do because we, women, are kinda stupid

By: Alex

Alex — Mon, 12 Sep 2011 07:24:16 +0000

I’m sure you’re right in everything you said in this article, but I have 2 observations:

1. yes, men do accept women for who they are, but did u ever think that it’s because the way women are built doesn’t affect men almost at all, but the way men are built affects women? for instance, if we just couldn’t stop staring at other men all the time, just like you can’t stop staring at women, how would it be? how would u feel?

2. don’t you, men, feel a little underdeveloped? since we have to understand things about you and we have to be the mature ones? for example, you said that for a guy, the relationship is sex and for a girl the relationship is, let’s say, talk about feelings & shit. why do we have to have sex first? why do YOU need to be assured that you have the relationship? it can also be the other way around: maybe we can’t have sex with you until we are assured we have a relationship, which means until we talk about stuff! anyway, I’m just saying things should be equal, not like it is now: women have to understand everything and accept everything and men should do as they please…

By: Kat

Kat — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 17:31:03 +0000

Thanks I needed to hear that

By: Straight Dope Dad

Straight Dope Dad — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 17:00:30 +0000

Wow. Once a day is a pretty full schedule, even for a guy. Three times a day is not realistic. A woman has a much greater physiological disposition for multiple orgasms than a man does. Every time a man comes it’s a big deal. Our systems need time to recover, especially as we age. Most likely he wouldn’t be able to keep up with your ideal of three times per day even if he wanted too. He’ll just be too sore and drained after a while. He’ll basically start having dry orgasms (orgasms without ejaculate or very little ejaculate) and those are no fun. Ever see porn where it’s time for the guy to get off, and after he jerks himself off for like three minutes, a tiny dribble comes out? It’s because he probably came twice already but they needed more footage, or they screwed up the money shot and needed to re shoot.

I agree with the arguing part. My partner and I will still have sex when we’ve been fighting, but it’s a turn off for both of us and we need some cool off period first.

And truthfully, it’s a good sign that he’s turned off sexually if things aren’t right between you to. That means he’s a decent guy who won’t abuse you.

So yes, back off, take the focus off performance and how many times a day and just be a friendly affectionate couple. The frequency will go back up naturally. Although don’t count on three times a day. You two will just have to work out a compromise on this. He’ll learn that he needs to do it a little more than is natural for him, and you’ll have to do it a bit less than is natural for you.

My partner and I fought over this for years until we just decided to compromise. I no longer bug her for sex and she guarantees a 2-3 times per week schedule. Less than I want. But more than she does.

I recommend that you put him in control (with the expectation of a minimum frequency). Since you’re ready to go 24/7, he’ll be more exited and willing if he can initiate the sexual encounters to fit his natural rhythms.

By: Kat

Kat — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 11:18:43 +0000

My question is how can u get my husband to have more sex.. We currently have sex once a day and sometimes if im lucky twice. I feel like the man in the relationship and he’s the woman. I would love to have sex 3 times a day to be satisfied but I feel like I am begging to get it even once sometimes. We have been fighting more than usual but I feel that is NO reason to NOT have sex! He says that he can’t have sex if we are arguing. I even told him he shouldnt be holding out on sex just bc we are arguing and he says that he’s not holding out he can’t get in the mood if things aren’t right with us. My question is should I back off? I don’t want to turn him off but now I had to watch porn to get off when he won’t give me any and I feel like this whole situation is a huge role reversal and its driving me crazy!

By: Straight Dope Dad

Straight Dope Dad — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 12:39:09 +0000

Your comment about women having a better chance of fulfilling their masturbatory fantasies is so true. This is why women have almost no anxiety around sex. They can simply get anything they want 24/7. When I tell this to women, most will say that’s not true. And then go on and on about how hard it is to find just the right guy – which is not the point. The point is, fulfillment of any sexual fantasy or desire is but a few hours way for a woman, ANY woman, and will require zero effort, and definitely no financial commitment. Seriously, just post what you want on Craigslist or any dating site and watch your inbox overflow within minutes. Or walk into a bar and announce what you are looking for and watch the line form. The only men who enjoy this same access are gay men, who of course are looking for men. Straight men don’t have this access to fulfillment.

By: Anita

Anita — Sun, 21 Aug 2011 12:04:31 +0000

As a woman, I can attest to the fact that MY SEXUAL needs come FIRST.

I am also a very “visual” person. And the variety provided by porn is awesome. My significant other is not a part of my “fantasy” life either.

I think as women, we still have that edge concerning sex.

What I mean is that we have a better chance of actually fufilling our masturbatory porn fantasies than men do. If we choose too.

Porn is not for men only.

By: Amy

Amy — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 03:19:16 +0000

Above it was mentioned men are always ready for sex, YA RIGHT !! My husband is not interested in any intimacy or sex. The last time he might have been interested in sex was 30 years ago. That was the last time we had sex I think it might have been longer. Really the only thing he is interested in is his shop and car. Years ago he moved all his things down stairs where hes built a small apartment. We comunicate by sticky notes stuck on his door. The only reason were together is we have no family or real friends. At first I missed sex but in time as they say if you don’t use you lose it. That is so true !!

By: Theresa

Theresa — Wed, 04 May 2011 06:06:55 +0000

Interesting read. R u on facebook? It’s easier for me to follow u from there- to read your blogs. Thanks, T

By: leslie

leslie — Tue, 29 Mar 2011 16:47:37 +0000

best advice I have seen given on porn….its hard for women to seperate emotions from sex—not so with men…you gotta love them, can’t live without them and men hold up half the world.
Acceptance of how men think will only strengthen the confidence of a woman—and can be alot of fun!

By: Mife

Mife — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 21:23:45 +0000

I’m chimming back in!
Story is true the wife and I are just friends. Our house is split up like an appartment she has the upstairs and I have the downstairs. We come and go without bothering each other. She has her friends, and pretty much don’t bother with friends or the world in general. I’m now retired and rather work in my shop or on my car. And whether or not you buy my story is your option. I just enjoy being by my self.

By: Straight Dope Dad

Straight Dope Dad — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 18:55:51 +0000

Good luck. Hopefully the next guy will know ahead of time to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. I’m really serious on this one. ALL of my guys friends adore their wives and are great partners and fathers but they look at porn.I have never met another guy who is not like that. Some just hide it better than others or just learn to lie about it if it will get them in trouble. Maybe you’ll find that one magic guy who will match your expectations but be aware that the odds are really, really low.

By: Linda

Linda — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 18:40:57 +0000

Thank again. I guess I couldn’t accept his fantasy world not including me. I couldn’t accept that he loved me and was turned on by me, because if he was I would have been in his fantasy. So I broke it off completely and I really don’t care that he’s hurting, wanting to die and all the crap. I have to look at for my own mental health and that thought of him finding other women sexually more exciting (has to be the reason he fantasizes about them), was more than I could stand.

I will never believe that a man can be truly in love and still think of others. If your partner excites you than she would be in your fantasies too. Not prettier women with better bodies and faces etc.

By: Straight Dope Dad

Straight Dope Dad — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 17:46:57 +0000

I think I explained it pretty well in your first comment. If you insist on treating your boyfriend as if he’s a woman you will never feel relaxed. He is a man and thinks like a man. In some ways it’s good that he masturbates to images of other women. He’s making it clear that he put’s your relationship in a category that is far more special than anonymous fantasy women that he jerks off to. You should be taking it as compliment, but instead you want to compete with porn stars for his masturbatory fantasies. You can’t win this one and you need to focus on what’s really important.