Oct 28 2007

Kids and Cussing

Summary: If you don’t like the way your child cusses then stop cussing yourself.

They are certain conversations you’ll just never have with another adult.

Daughter: “Do cats like milk?”

Father: “Yes they do, but you shouldn’t give them too much or they might get diarrhea.

Daughter: “I want them to get diarrhea. I like poop a lot.”

This was a little conversation I had with my daughter last week as we were getting into the car after eating lunch at a Thai food restaurant. I have no idea what inspired her to ask the question in the first place. Kids just say some crazy shit from time to time.

You and your partner will be your child’s first role models in life. From the time she’s born she’ll study you intensely. She’s sizing you up, looking for clues as to what is expected of her, pushing boundaries to see how you react and basically testing everything on a daily basis.

So it’s no surprise that she’ll pick up your language patterns fairly quickly. Including your more colorful phrases. Continue reading


Oct 27 2007

Date Night – How to Keep The Love Alive In A Long Term Relationship

Summary: Never stop dating your partner. Unless you want to turn into roommates you better plan something special, just for the two of you, at least once a week.

My partner and I were friends for about a year and a half before we officially started dating. I had been in love with her a while and made my feelings clear. However she had accidentally placed me in the “friend” category. Arrgh! Lucky be the man that escapes this fate! (Use a pirate’s voice for best effect)

As the months went by it looked like I may never climb out of the “friend” trap. So naturally, I started to look at my options. Fortunately my dad just landed a job in a town where I’d much prefer to live. Since I was still living at home at the time and not in a hurry to find my own place, I decided to tag along.

I guess the idea of me not being around anymore was just the nudge needed to get me out of the friends box. A month before I was to move away she decided to give me a try.

I think my exact words were “Uhhh, are you serious? Now? I’m moving in a month?” Continue reading


Oct 27 2007

Poop Aint So Bad After All!

Summary: It may seem impossible to comprehend before you have a kid but changing diapers is going to be really easy.

Like most first time fathers I had zero previous experience changing a baby’s diaper. Since I had no experience, my imagination was filled with thoughts of diapers full of giant stinky man-sized turds. Or something at least as bad as dog poop. So naturally, changing diapers was at the top of the list of things I dreaded doing.

Well much to my surprise baby poop turns out to be nothing like I had feared. It’s hard to even call it poop really. It’s just some lightly colored mushy stuff with a vaguely unpleasant odor. Seriously, cleaning up after a gerbil is far more worse than changing a baby’s diaper any day. Continue reading


Oct 27 2007

Fun Things To Do Around The House That Make Little Kids Feel Like Big Kids

Summary: Mundane adult chores are really exciting for young children because it makes them feel like bigshots.

These activities are really fun for children between the ages of 2 and 5, or even older. Plus they enhance their motor skills, cognitive skills, self esteem, and sense of personal responsibility.

1. Let Your Kid Cut Up Some Food

Young children want to do everything that adults do. Especially the things we tell them they’re not old enough for. So getting to cut up some food with a knife is a huge thrill. Pull a chair up to the counter where the cutting board is and fill it with big wedges of watermelon that are about half an inch thick. Put all the real knives away and give them a butter knife. To a young child it’s a real knife and it cuts through the watermelon easily. They’ll hack it pieces and stuff themselves silly eating the little chunks they gleefully cut off. If you don’t have watermelon, thinly sliced cheese, hotdogs and deli slices can also work. Continue reading


Oct 26 2007

Vasectomies Rock! – How Getting Snipped Can Make For An Amazing Sex Life

Summary: It’s liberating to know that no matter how hard, long or often you come there is no chance it will result in a pregnancy. This makes sex more spontaneous and enjoyable.

-OR-

Don’t want more kids but don’t want to wear a condom? Then get a vasectomy you wuss!

After about fifteen years together my partner and I decided to start a family. It’s not that we couldn’t get around to it sooner; it’s just that my partner is a highly organized person and this is where she had put pregnancy in her 20 year planner. Never seen one? They’re about two feet thick with ring binders the size of bicycle rims. You can special order them from Staples.

Now my partner had been on the pill since we started dating. Before that I’d only had a couple of partners, both whom were also on the pill. So basically I have gone most of my adult life without having to wear a condom.

When my partner stopped taking the pill about a year and a half before she was planning to get pregnant we thought we would just switch to condoms as our birth control of choice. How bad could it be right? Honestly, it was much worse than I had expected. Besides being a mood breaker, it was just kind of a numb feeling. I’ve experienced greater sensations dry humping through clothes. Continue reading


Oct 18 2007

Get More Sex From Your Wife or Partner…Starting Now!

Summary: The More You Help Around the House, the More You Help with the Kids, the More Sex You Will Get.

Note: This essay assumes that your wife or partner actually wants to have a sex life and has an otherwise healthy libido. It also assumes that you are a typical guy who’s slacking a bit in the family and home department. For deep sexual or marital problems these techniques probably won’t achieve the desired results, but they will make you a better father.

Not getting enough sex? Then do something about it. For a woman, foreplay begins the moment you wake up. This means every decision you make, starting a breakfast, will increase or decrease the odds of getting laid that night.

Moms, whether they stay at home or have an additional job outside the house, are generally overburdened with housework and child raising duties.

Imagine a dog that constantly needed to be petted and wanted to lick your hands. And no matter how much you petted or let them lick, it was never enough. You can be sure that by the end of the day you wouldn’t want to pet anything or be licked by anyone. This is what’s it’s like to be around a young child the whole day. So it’s little wonder moms tend to feel everyone “expects” or “wants” something from them 24/7. Unfortunately, to an exhausted, over stimulated mom, your sexual needs can feel like just another “demand”.

So what are you gonna do about it? Continue reading


Oct 17 2007

Some Basic Parenting Theorems

1. You Will Judge All Children Relative to Your Own

Kids smaller than yours feel ridiculously light. Kids bigger than yours feel super heavy. Likewise, kids shorter than yours appear tiny and kids taller than yours appear huge. This goes for behavior, body types, skin color, everything. You can’t help this bias so just keep it in check and try not to become a judgmental pain in the ass.

2. All Kids Are Special Needs Kids

At various times in their life all young children appear to be retarded, bi-polar or insane. No one escapes this so take comfort that you are not alone.

Some toddlers cry and fight you when their diaper is changed because you are taking their poop away. They don’t yet understand it’s a waste product and instead treat it as a part of their body. Would you want someone to break off your thumb and flush it down the toilet? Of course not! For a brief period in their lives, some toddlers just think about their poop that way. This is a good example an “appears to be insane” moment.

Some bang their head on the floor when they’re upset. Some refuse to drink certain beverages unless it’s in a specific cup. Some are deathly afraid of butterflies.

If you meet a parent that thinks their kid is perfect they are delusional or just lying to hide the painful truth that their kid is, at least occasionally, a basket case. Continue reading


Oct 7 2007

Nope, Not Married

Summary: There are many ways to define commitment. A marriage certificate is just one of them.

No matter how many times I explain to someone that my partner and I aren’t married, most married people still revert to calling her my wife and refer to us as being married. It’s really bizarre.

Seriously, if I told you I was an accountant you wouldn’t keep saying I was biologist just because that happened to be your profession would you? How about if I told you I was Jewish? Would you keep calling me a Catholic just because you like to go to mass? I hope not.

I used to spend more time pointing out to people who thought we were married that we weren’t. But after nineteen years I’m just kind of tired of the whole thing. Especially the follow-up question of why not? It’s not that I don’t mind explaining why we’re not married it’s just that I’m tired of the people who asked in the first place getting all defensive about it. Usually they follow-up with “oh well, it’s just like you’re married anyways” Well no, actually it’s not. And if you believe it’s true that my nineteen year relationship is just like being married, then your marriage must be just like my relationship. So in a way it’s practically like you’re not even married yourself!

Here’s the theorem: If A equals B, then B must equal A.

Of course that person would quickly point out that being married is different. I would agree; although these differences are largely legal or symbolic. The actual work that you need to put into a committed relationship to make it successful is the same. If just getting a wedding ring could make somebody love and honor you, then the world would be a very different place indeed. Continue reading