Get More Sex From Your Wife or Partner…Starting Now!
Summary: The More You Help Around the House, the More You Help with the Kids, the More Sex You Will Get.
Note: This essay assumes that your wife or partner actually wants to have a sex life and has an otherwise healthy libido. It also assumes that you are a typical guy who’s slacking a bit in the family and home department. For deep sexual or marital problems these techniques probably won’t achieve the desired results, but they will make you a better father.
Not getting enough sex? Then do something about it. For a woman, foreplay begins the moment you wake up. This means every decision you make, starting a breakfast, will increase or decrease the odds of getting laid that night.
Moms, whether they stay at home or have an additional job outside the house, are generally overburdened with housework and child raising duties.
Imagine a dog that constantly needed to be petted and wanted to lick your hands. And no matter how much you petted or let them lick, it was never enough. You can be sure that by the end of the day you wouldn’t want to pet anything or be licked by anyone. This is what’s it’s like to be around a young child the whole day. So it’s little wonder moms tend to feel everyone “expects” or “wants” something from them 24/7. Unfortunately, to an exhausted, over stimulated mom, your sexual needs can feel like just another “demand”.
So what are you gonna do about it?
Some men take the victim route. The whine about how their partner isn’t interested in sex anymore, or worse, that their partner’s withholding sex as a form of punishment. If you want to play the martyr role, go ahead if that’s what you’re looking for. However if having more sex is more important than your identity as a victim then this is not a productive strategy.
A better strategy is to assume a provider protector role. And I mean this in the most general sense not in the creepy sexist “Promise Keepers” way. Anything you care about needs to be nurtured. Plants, pets, people and especially your relationship with your partner need to be protected and provided for. Otherwise they simply die or atrophy from neglect. Your sex life is no different.
So how do you provide for and protect your sex life? The first thing you need to do is make sure your partner has the support she needs. What does she need? It’s pretty simple really. Help with the home and the kids. Do this and the rest takes care of itself.
Don’t believe me? Then take the one week “Me So Horny” challenge. Starting tomorrow you’re going to step up your game and start pitching in. If your partner is usually scrambling around in the morning trying to get the kids dressed for school as well as getting herself ready to go to work or the gym, then step in and help. Here’s some sample dialogue you can use: “Hey honey, I’ve noticed that sometimes you’re just overwhelmed in the morning trying to take care of everyone, you just go take care of yourself and I’ll get the kids ready and drop them off at school.” Then go do it. Guess who’s getting laid tonight? Dude, you are!
At dinner time try this: “I know you’ve been trying to finish up that book you started, how about you just go to the bedroom and read and I’ll take care of the dishes and putting the kids to bed”. After the kids are sound asleep and you go strolling into your bedroom she will be soooo hot for you. Simply lean in and make your move. No need to ask, beg or explain that you’re horny. Remember, helping with the home and kids is foreplay for a woman and she’ll respond accordingly. In the unlikely event she doesn’t, don’t pout, just acknowledge her decision, give her a few kisses and then get ready for bed. Repeat the next day but try looking for other ways you can help. Even something small like picking up some toilet paper and toothpaste at lunch so she doesn’t have to can go a long way.
A word of caution. During the “Me So Horny” challenge week never say or imply that you are doing this for sex. Otherwise all of your “help” will be interpreted as yet another “demand”. The two formulas look like this:
SUPPORT + NO CONDITIONS = LOVE
SUPPORT + CONDITIONS = DEMAND
Now here’s the best part of all. Once you start pitching in it gets easier and easier to do it on a regular basis. After while you’ll just do it without even thinking about it. However for the woman, your support is still a turn on. So over time you’ll just become a larger contributor to the home and kids (good for you and your family) and you will just naturally have more and better sex with your partner (good for both of you).
Now some of you may be thinking “what if she just gets used to all this and I have to keep doing more and more to get the same results?” This is highly unlikely because of some very basic psychological factors. Women, especially moms, are inclined to value concepts such as fairness and equality while simultaneously embracing the ideas of self sacrifice and commitment (yes, I know this isn’t true for everyone, we’re just talking generalities here). These conflicting values means that she will never let you do ALL of the home and family duties even if you wanted to. Her sense of fairness and equality (i.e. everyone should share in the responsibilities) combined with the idea of self sacrifice and commitment (i.e. my family needs me, it’s my duty to provide) will prevent her from allowing you to help out “too much”. After all, the more responsibilities you take on the less self sacrifice and commitment she needs to make and the less equal and fair things will be. This is bad for her identity as a mom so don’t worry about being “taken advantage of” because she probably won’t allow it to happen.
The bottom line is that society doesn’t expect much from fathers. The simplest efforts towards helping with the kids are seen as heroic. I know this from experience when my female neighbors would stop me in the streets to tell me what a good father I was. Some even rushed out of their homes just to tell me this. What was I doing that deserved so much praise? Basically pushing my daughter around in the stroller for regular walks. A mom would have to save her children from a burning building then donate a kidney to her 9 month old daughter while hand making all of their clothes to get the same kudos.
But low expectations have some big advantages. Any regular effort on your part will be a cause for celebration. So now, whenever she talks with the other moms she’ll always be reminded of how supportive you are compared to the slacker dads. And this will make her hot, hot, hot for hubby.
Still, skeptical? Read a woman’s perspective in this awesome post by Marrit Ingman
If you’re a woman reading this you should check out my 7 things every woman should know about how their husband or boyfriend thinks about sex.
That’s it for now.
File Under: Increasing Intimacy in a Marriage – Keeping Your Sex Life Alive While Raising Kids – How to Get Your Wife or Partner in the Mood for Sex – Don’t Let Children Ruin Your Sex Life – Easy Steps to Improving Your Sex Life – Proven Methods for Increasing Sexual Frequency in a Long Term Relationship – How to Get More Sex With Your Wife – Getting More Sex with Wife – My Wife Doesn’t Want Sex as Much as Me – Is Your Wife or Partner Not that Interested in Sex Anymore?
November 5th, 2009 at 10:16 pm
This article is an insult to me as a dad who does most of the roles seen as mom roles. I’m in charge of all meals, child transportation, yardwork, and much housework. Still no action!
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admin Reply:
November 5th, 2009 at 11:06 pm
Hello Mark. I’ve had several emails from other men with the same complaint. Perhaps I should have included in the article that this assumes that your wife or partner has a normal healthy sex drive. If there are other issues (frigidity due to past sexual abuse or a general disinterest in sex, lesbianism, mental illness, etc) this probably won’t help. Not implying this is your situation, I’m just talking in generalities here. Sorry to hear it’s not working out for you. I know for me, it works. And I know many women agree with my approach. Most women, however, are not currently receiving the level of support you give your partner. If you find the magic cure for your situation, let us in on it.
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December 3rd, 2009 at 7:44 pm
What a crock. This is just another man bashing article. I am 52 years old, I’ve been there done all that and get this: NONE OF THAT WORKED FOR ME. In addition to that I’ve listned to men, Married men talk all my life. Heres the truth. Most women loose interest in sex not less than two years after marriage. Kids or no kids, they get bored with you dude and by that time, especially if you have kids, you are nothing more than paycheck that they have to put up with. Women use men for money and possesions.
If your wife isn’t giving you any its not your fault. You’ve been had. Don’t be a fool get a mistress, and when she gets bored with you, move on and get another one.
I’m sick to death of hearing about womens needs, its all they think about.
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admin Reply:
December 9th, 2009 at 4:11 pm
I’m not going to argue your personal experience but getting a mistress is a bad idea. You already think women just want your money and possessions. Yet that’s the very definition of a mistress; a woman who is willing to accept limited emotional involvement in exchange for vacations, jewelry and nice things. Think you’re bitter now? Just wait till you have a woman on the side who wants you to pay her rent and take her to expensive restaurants. What you really want is a slave, but those are illegal now.
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December 10th, 2009 at 1:40 pm
I had a feeling this was written by a woman. I feel I’ve been duped. I do everything from getting my daughter up and taking her to school every day, to dishes, housework, house maintenance and generally being 10 times more involved than my father ever was, so my mother tells me, and I get rejected 95% of the time. Things changed as soon as we were engaged. I should have seen the signs. Men get so shafted in marriage. It’s just not natural for us while marriage is the type of security that women naturally want. I think there’s a lot to be said for cultures that see mistresses as a fact of life.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 10th, 2009 at 2:36 pm
I’m a bit confused. I wrote this and I’m a man. It wasn’t written by a woman. Also there’s a way to avoid the rejection thing. I used to persue my partner for sex as well. It just doesn’t work as it made us both edgy. She felt pressured and I felt rejected. So the compromise was I stop making moves on her and she guarantees sex 2-3 times per week. It works great. I know I’m going to get some and she just let’s me know when. After a while we both just instinctively know when it’s time. It works pretty smooth. Also we’ve been together for 21 years and have a six year old child. The first five years of our relationship were long distance too. So I’ve put in my time. I don’t know where all these women are that men keep complaining about. All the women I know love sex, and having kids and marriage hasn’t changed that. All they want is a little help. Being overwhelmed with housework and kids is a mood killer. Any ladies want to back me up on this? Any men who are not bitter? I can’t possible the only man out there with a kick ass sex life.
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December 17th, 2009 at 9:05 pm
My wife does virually NOTHING around the house. I had to hire a cleaning service to do the basics. I do the dishes, take out the trash, make 3-4 dinners a week and watch the kids 4 nights a week while she does various (non-secret) activities. I do my own laundry. She does hers and the kids. I work full time, she is a “stay at home mom.” Our kids are both in school, so I’m not really sure exactly what that means. The 3-4 nights she is home a week, she won’t even get out of her chair. She just “asks” me to do everything from playing with the kids to getting her a drink. I still don’t get laid more than about once a month. I know it’s not a thing where she doesn’t like sex. If we even KISS, she gets crazy interested. She solves that little problem by not kissing me. She orgasms easily and often when we DO have sex. I’ve tried the same conversation you had about me “pressuring” her for sex. Once I realized she felt pressured, I stopped asking. I tried the romantic stuff, like offering backrubs (which she turns down) and soft kisses on the back of her neck. She LOVES the attention, but still no sex. The result of me not asking was almost a YEAR with no sex. I have a good dozen close male friends in similar situations. I think you should praise your wife to the moon. We all wish we had one like yours.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 9:15 pm
Hello Sam. Very interesting and unfortunate situation you’re in. Your wife likes sex and orgasms easily yet avoids sex and things that get her aroused (like kissing). That is really bizarre. I feel for you. Once a month. Holy cow. I don’t know how you keep it together. Funny you should mention the laundry thing though. We have the same arrangement. She does hers, our daughters and the house laundry (towels, sheets, etc) and I do mine. Thanks for taking the time to write.
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Sam Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Bizarre, that’s a great word! I’ve never really thought of it as bizarre, but that description probably fits better than most. We’ve been married for 12 years, nothing like as long as you. I once tried to figure out the “give and take” of our relationship. Give was easy. I give almost all my non-work time to kids and home. The only way I can enjoy my only hobby (trail-biking) is by getting up before everyone else. She won’t get up to get the kids to school, so I have to be done in time to be home to get them up and around before I leave for work. That leads me to “take” part. I have a couple GREAT kids. The time I spend with them is worth any amount of “give.” I may be frustrated by the lack of a decent sex life, but in the end, it’s worth it.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 17th, 2009 at 10:07 pm
I would agree. The upside of the “give” is the deep relationship you’re building with your kids. You can’t fake that. You earn it everyday by being there for them. If they don’t know how good they got it now, they will when they are older and look back on their childhood. You sound like a really mature guy who’s got a good handle on things. Keep on, keepin’ on.
December 20th, 2009 at 12:35 am
Sorry to be negative, but I have been married for over 22 years. I love me wife, but she does not work and shes does have regular chores. I also get her drinks, ice cream, as well as do work around the house. If I increase my duties, it does not get me any more action at all. In fact, it seems its the guys that go after your wife, that may have a better shot than you do. Since she is not turned on by a stranger being interested in her and take her away of the reality of her life.
Bottom line is that relationships are very difficult and need to be worked on by both partners. I think once your wife gets into Mom mode, the romance is over. Its a battle to keep in going, but what happens is your wife looks at sex with her husband as another chore. What most women don’t realize is that most men want to protect, support and help their woman. But they also don’t like to be chumps. There are two very bad things that a woman can do to kill the relationship. One is to criticize a mans driving, the other is to withhold sex. When a man is rejected for sex, its like saying I don’t accept you. Though most men won’t admit it, they are a vulnerable mentally and a rejection hits their self esteem. Sex is a way of a man to share himself with his love. Too many rejects, will not necessarily drive a man to cheat, but if the opportunity comes up, he may say not say no since he now has a very damaged self esteem and hurt to deal with.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 20th, 2009 at 6:18 am
Hello “Jim”. Thanks for commenting. You’re observations are dead on. It is difficult and needs to be worked on by both partners. The sex and rejection is particularly true. So much so that I wrote 7 Things Every Woman Should Know About How Men Think About Sex as I could tell by men’s reaction to this article that too many women are clueless as to how men really think about sex and relationships. Sex is not optional. It is a requirement for a normal healthy relationship. Of course, I wrote this “get more sex article” from the assumption that one’s partner actually wants to have an active sex life to begin with. If she just writes sex off completely, if she’s fine with being an asexual mommy, then my suggestions probably won’t work. That’s a whole other problem.
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December 23rd, 2009 at 12:34 pm
I really like this blog. Its resonates really well with my marriage.
All of these guys who ‘do everything’ and get nothing. Have pointed out a small flaw in your method here. If you ALWAYS do everything then it becomes expected and your wife is not going to feel supported just that you are doing the regular routine. It seems to me that the men who are doing everything should simply STOP doing much of it. I’m reasonably confident what is happening is that your wife has simply internally realized that whatever she doesn’t do you will take care. So why wouldn’t she not do it. You are taking care of it for her. And why would she in particular want to have sex with you? On a very primitive level she has no need to and by doing everything for her you make yourself look from a cave-woman viewpoint far less attractive. Don’t do the work. Maybe the house will get messy, maybe the kids will be late to school, maybe you will have fights with your wife, maybe she will leave you even but based on the descriptions of everyones marriage these reactions don’t seem particularly worse than the current situations. Honestly do anything to change the current circumstances. Let the dishes pile up until she yells at you about it.
Just what it looks like to me.
Oh? How am I doing? Well its not up there with Straight Dope Dad but its better than once a month and I have a 5 year old, one on the way and a 15 year marriage. So if you want you can consider my advice based on that. And yes I have regular fights with my spouse about housework.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 23rd, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Thanks for your comment Steve. Interesting advice. What would happen if some of these men suddenly stopped doing so much? Would it get worse? Would it improve? Who knows, but it would certainly get their spouses attention. You’re also right about ALWAYS doing everything. There are things my partner ALWAYS does and when she doesn’t, it throws me off. It’s not so much that I don’t appreciate what she does or take her for granted, it’s just that her efforts become invisible over time and I only really become aware of it when it stops. Oh, and congratulations on child number two!
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January 4th, 2010 at 11:51 pm
Another factor to consider, especially for women over 40, is hormones. Unlike men, who are or can get horny just about anytime anywhere, older women’s sex drive are very hormonal. So, have a candid conversation with your wife about her “cycle,” and she’ll likely tell you when it would be prime time for sex.
Next Half Life´s lastest blog ..Finding the right domain name
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January 6th, 2010 at 12:51 am
Oh you NAILED this blog post. I am sharing on Facebook as I type. I have talked to well over 10,000 women privately about their sex lives and you HIT all of the points I hear week after week.
Choreplay = foreplay in marriages with children. And, you are right, you need to NURTURE anything you care about and want to grow.
Can I re-post this on my blog? My blog is about sex, dating, sex toys, etc. http://www.Bliss-Radio.com
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
January 6th, 2010 at 4:58 am
Thanks Crystal. Choreplay=Foreplay…funny. Never heard it put that way before. Love the Vargas style girl on your website. As for a full reprint I’d really much prefer an excerpt(s)and a link back. I’m glad to hear someone agrees with me. I wrote the post because I know it to be true for myself and all the women I know and every article I’ve ever read express the same sentiment. When 50% of the human population tells you over and over again that this is how they feel, it’s probably a good idea to listen. This applies to men’s needs as well. Thanks for commenting.
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January 13th, 2010 at 3:02 pm
Choreplay=Foreplay does not work in all cases. Remember the note at the beginning, “This essay assumes that your wife or partner actually wants to have a sex life and has an otherwise healthy libido”. Some reports have suggested that as much as 40-50% of married women have some kind of sexual issues leading to low libido. I have been married to one for 11 years. Believe me, I do as much as I can in the chores area. Never worked. She probably thought I was doing them just to get sex! As I have heard from so many other men, even my father who has been married almost 60 years, you’ll never ever figure out women!
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
January 13th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
Thanks for the post John. Apparently there are a lot of frustrated guys out there. I wonder if the women who “turn off” sexually were always that way or did they become that way after marriage and kids. I’ve read several articles about women who pretty much close down sexually after children because they no longer identify themselves as a sexual being. They mistakenly assume it conflicts with their identity as a mother. I also think that some of it depends on the social circles you keep. If your wife’s female friends have the same anti-sex feelings it re-enforces that behavior as normal. Same for guys. If all a guy’s buddies are slacker dads who don’t help much, they are more likely to become that way as well. In my social circle the fathers are pretty helpful and the mothers like sex. So that’s the normalized behavior for us.
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February 1st, 2010 at 5:42 pm
What an excellant article. Great job Straight Dope Dad!! Sorry I didn’t catch your name. Unfortunately it’s not true for my 4 year marriage as it involves and extensive sexual and abuse history but were things normal, I would definetly feel much more inclined to sex if I had more help. To the other one-dimensional men replying to this blog: If you could only pull your heads out of your rear ends long enough, you would how you don’t really do EVERYTHING. And if you’re really that unhappy, then why haven’t any of you spoken to your spouse about it? Or even sought help. There is clearly something that your spouse is not telling you.
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February 10th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
I’m sorry for some men that do not have the opportunity to make love with their wife for so many years and end up cheating with another woman secretly. I’m sorry for us women being a bitch sometime(Excuse for the language). I don’t know why we women are not horny like we use to be when we first met our hubby.
As for me, there are times I don’t want to have sex with my husband because I’m not horny which I tried to be horny. For me it’s not that I’m tired because I’m doing the house chores, cleaning, cooking, taking care of the children, and working full time. I am tired but I don’t expect him to do everything for me around the house just to get sex. I guess some women need to be open mind and share with their partner how they feel and etc. I know for sure I don’t like my hubby cheating on me just because he’s not getting enough sex from me. It would hurt me so much (which the world has ended for me) and probably hard to fight him back to my arms again. I would luv to sex him up but just can’t be horny. Like I said to my husband, I don’t want to f**k another man just to make me horny, so I can sex u up. I told him if guys flirt with me or I have sex dreams with a stranger, yes I do get the itch because it’s a new man, new romance, and new p*nis but I’m not those type. (He started laughing). I only want to be his own slutty queen until death due us part. I want to be faithful to him, which I haven’t cheated on him before and hope not (praying to God).
I would tell him it’s just my hormones and I hated so much because I want to have sex with you but I don’t have that desire. I’m suffering too and wish I’m always wet and horny.
For me, my sex desire kicks in during my period and only lasted for two weeks, then I feel like a dead zombie (do whatever you like and wrap it up).
So far I know (who knows, only God) my husband hasn’t cheated on me. I tried so hard to seduce, flirt, talk dirty, be slutty, dress sexy, very touchy, read sex stories, watch pornos with him, talk about us having sex, how I want him to be dom., and etc. just to make him and myself be horny (especially me) so we can make luv every night. There are times I would just tell him go jack off or f**k another b*tch but HONESTLY and TRUTHFULLY I don’t want to share my husband to another woman, love hurts.
Every women are different, talk to your spouse why she is behaving that way. Ask her what she wants, desire, and etc. Is she still in love with you and kindly ask her to open up if she is seeing someone else without accusing and etc. If it doesn’t work, I guess just split the arrow into different routes or go to a marriage therapy.
Happy Valentines!
(Sorry for the long typing, just from my own point of view)
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February 10th, 2010 at 1:37 pm
Oh especially this year, my goal is to be seductive, horny, sexylicious, and slutty for my hubby. If I end up not being horny, then I’m going to find some female horny pills for me. He’s my hubby and I ain’t gonna share with no one.
It sounds pathetic but seriously. Spice the sex Up!
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May 22nd, 2010 at 10:45 am
My wife told me the exact thing that the writer said in this article. So I start doing more than I already did(I already do a lot more than most dads I know), surprise ironing job or the laundry…..stuff like that. Guess what?? I haven’t got anymore sex than I already got which is maybe twice a month and that’s after begging. Fact is, like someone already mentioned, when women have kids they change, like to a completely diff person. Most don’t care about sex anymore. What’s funny is how women cry and complain about men cheating. If more women held up their end of the bargain half the affairs wouldn’t happen. Women are unbelievably fickle human beings and a creature that will never be figured out. Most are impossible to live with once kids are put in the picture. Worst thing I ever did was get married.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
May 24th, 2010 at 6:14 pm
I really want to believe that you’ve been a great and helpful partner and everything is your wife’s fault but there is so much hostility in your comments that go beyond just sexual dissatisfaction. Sounds like you kind of resent the whole family thing and don’t particularly like women as people. Yes, maybe she did change and lose her libido but I’m sure your attitude isn’t helping. A woman is just not going to be interested in having sex with some who’s pissed at her. Men don’t like being on the receiving end of resentment either. It’s a huge turn off.
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May 25th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
I don’t think I can add much to a lot of what other dads have experienced. However, I just think the so called “support = sex” formula is a myth. I tried it all – massage, chores, support, cooking, etc and now I am lucky to get sex every 2 months! It’s sad and it makes me very frustrated. Yes, being a man I looked at other women too and it frightens me, as I’ve been down that road before and it DOESN’T SOLVE ANYTHING unfortunately.
I was brought up as a Latino male thinking that women are meant to stay at home, look after kids, clean the house and men are meant to work and bring home the dough. I later grew up in the 80s and 90s and realised that attitude was wrong and women wanted more – MUCH more in life and don’t want to be stuck at home. The girlfriends I had wanted careers and wanted kids too but much later in life – so I guess being 20 something they wanted to enjoy life before kids and perhaps that’s why I got sex much more frequently. I pampared, carassed, massaged and gave women a lot of attention and offered to help and do the chores. And it worked during those early years.
But after I got married and 3-5 years after the birth of my son, the sex started to go slip further and further apart. Eventually we decided we were not in love anymore, and it was over. Pffftt. Just like that.
Now I am into a 4 year relationship with my partner and we have a 7 month old baby. I love her to death and I am very happy – except – yep there is little sex. Being Latino does not help as there is a cliche above our heads that says latino men want sex more than most other men from other countries. Unfortunately IT’S TRUE!
Anyway I help around the house, I do chores, cook and pick up our son PLUS drive around all of the city managing my other older son. So yeah I am also tired, but I still manage to feel horny at night I do want to massage and pamper her, but she is not interested. I try to touch her in a gentle / carassing way on her back, along her legs, along her g-spots that I found under her arms and under her elbows and yeah I get the odd sigh and moan, but that’s it. When I try and push it a little further I get pushed back! That is SO disheartening. It’s a total rejection and it makes me feel like I am ugly, fat, hairy and bald (well I am bald but not fat hehe). I sometimes wonder if she is perhaps Bi and started having an affair with a woman or is flirting with a guy at work (she wears skirts a lot of the time, even in winter when I know she hates the cold!). See!? Lack of sex or women denying their partners sex is evil, selfish and stupid. It leads to marriage breakdowns, and worst – violence and murder as recently shown in the newspapers.
Give your man sex more often ladies and he will give you the world.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
May 25th, 2010 at 5:19 pm
Nice post. You’ve brought up a lot of good points. I agree that regular passionate sex is a must. A relationship cannot survive without it. Perhaps some women think it can, but they are not being realistic.
But keep in mind though that your child is only 7 months old. Pregnancy really messes a women up physically. Positions and techniques that worked pre pregnancy may not work as well. She may also develop new erogenous zones. If she’s breast feeding she’ll be touch sensitive from over stimulation. She’ll need more time to get back to a normal sex life especially if the birth was difficult. Also, does she know how you feel? I would suggest explaining how sexual rejection makes you feel. Most women have no idea how sexual rejection hurts our self esteem. For men sex is just not about getting off it’s a validation of the relationship’s health and their partner’s love.
I would also suggest making a sex schedule. If you both know when you’ll be having sex you can relax. She’ll know exactly when she’s expected to get in the mood and you know when you’ll be “getting some”. This allows the both of you to concentrate on other things the rest of the time. And since you know sex is a sure thing, you don’t have to keep trying to pressure and woo her. I know a regular sex schedule’s well worked for us.
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LatinoLibidoDead Reply:
May 27th, 2010 at 4:59 pm
Hi DopeDad,
I agree with you and thanks for the reply and suggestions, especially about being too early, etc. However, I disagree strongly with your “sex schedule” technique. I don’t believe you can “plan” when to have sex and expect your partner to be ready and able on that particular day, on a particular time. My dad once said, you cannot measure love. Do you know what that means? It means that we cannot measure it and expect it to be so-and-so away or high or whatever. If she is in the mood, SHE IS IN THE MOOD. The problem of course, is that when I am in the mood, she is not and yes – vice versa ladies! grrr.. Anyway, we’ve spoken about this after I posted my rant above as she read it and we agree that it’s about intimacy first and the sex will come later (just like the movie – if you built it, they will cum). Well you know what I mean.
I always look at nature and other species for answers to most of my life’s perplexing questions and it has never let me down. With my lack of sex in my relationship, I am going to do what the birds of paradise do – the males that is. They dance! They dance for a partner and they prepare the environment for her, to be comfortable, nice, beautiful and loving and inviting. That is it! It’s as simple as that. I need to lay the ground and prepare the night for love. Some nice music, food and warmth and loving emotions that create INTIMACY, will guarantee the sex to follow. I’ll let you know how it went. Thanks
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May 29th, 2010 at 4:33 pm
I’m with all the guys that say this is a bunch of crap. It doesnt surprise me that the women that posted here totally agree with you. Woohoo… he does more, I still give less. That’s what women do. It’s only when you act like you dont give a shit about them that they try to get you back interested in them. I’m not saying treat them like shit, I can’t, I love her. However, if I act like I’m not interested in her, then all of a sudden she’s trying to get me back interested. It has nothing to do with chores. I’ve been doing chores around the house, dishes every night, etc. and she’s never interested. It’s only since I’ve stopped asking, even on date night, that she appears even remotely interested. Funny, that’s the same way i treated her when we were dating… like i didnt give a shit.
Touch her, caress her, help with the dishes, leave her romantic notes… but ignore her advances. That’s the only way to keep them interested. It’s often said the it’s the men who are afraid of having sex with the same woman for ever… it looks more like the women who get bored to me.
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May 29th, 2010 at 4:39 pm
Dope Dad!!!
You’re not even married???
You’re advice is null and void if you’re not even married. Living together, sharing a life, raising a daughter together doesnt even matter. It’s the psychological effect “marriage” has on women that kill their sex drive.
Dude, stick with giving advice on being a good man, roommate and boyfriend. No offense.
C
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
May 30th, 2010 at 8:16 am
Thanks for your comments Chris. I’ll address a couple of your points. It’s true that humans tend to want something even more if it appears they can’t have it but your wife’s is a bit extreme end on that end on that one. Having to ignore and withhold from your partner to generate sexual interest is not the norm nor healthy. But hey, if that’s what her psychological triggers are then go for it. If you wife had a foot fetish I’d recommomend doing the dishes barefoot as well if that’s what got her exited.
The purpose of the article was to address a common situation and a proven solution. And yes, lots of women agree with me because it speaks to certain truths, not because they want to trick us into doing more work. It’s not the only solution and I made it clear that the article assumes certain conditions and I stand by my recommendations if your situation matches these conditions.
As for not being officially married and therefor my advice doesn’t count I’ll disagree on that one. It’s true that because of intense cultural conditioning we’re taught that that marriage is the end all, be all for a serious relationship and therefor may people do behave differently once they are married. This applies to both men and women. It’s all too common for couples to view marriage as the end, the prize, rather than a state of being that requires a hell of a lot of work to succeed.
However, most people will live together before marriage and long term coupling as well raising children out of wedlock is on the increase. Someday it may become the new norm.
I’ve also been with my partner for 22 years. The first five years were long distance and we even had a breakup at year number four. We have a seven year old daughter, We’re a single income family and my partner’s a full time stay at home mom. Yet our sex is amazing, not because we are not officially married, but because we make it a priority. We experiment and talk about it. We keep what works and toss what doesn’t. It’s this commitment to a good sex life in a long term relationship with children that more than qualifies me to give married people advice on the subject.
Commitment is a state of mind. I’ve seen married couples that act like they are free and single and I’ve seen new couple act like they’ve been married for 40 years.I’ve seen men who were charming, fit and attentive in courtship only to become out of shape assholes after they got the ring. I’ve seen women do the same thing.
Also, you are only seeing the worst responses because by the time a man goes on the internet and searches for “how to get more sex from my wife” they are already at their wits end and not in the best mood. Some of the commenters are clearly decent, honest dudes trying to make sense of a frigid wife while some are filled with so much hate and anti-women stereotypes that it’s little wonder they aren’t getting any sex and that I’m full of shit.I wouldn’t want to have sex with them either.
But anyway, I’m glad you’ve found what gets your wife excited even if it’s counter intuitive to how you think it should work.
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May 29th, 2010 at 11:41 pm
I think this article is very sexist and assumes that men are lazy, and women do all the work. My wife and i work full-time and have two kids. Most night we fall asleep exhausted from the day’s activities. If I proposition her for sex and get denied, I just simply wait until she is ready instead of bugging her. Sometimes I don’t feel like it either. This absolutely drives her crazy and she is forcing herself on me by the end of the night. I really dont think this issue can be characterized in gender stereotypes. Its an individual thing and everyone has to find out what works best for them to get the booty. If whining works, then do it. If turning over and saying i dont care works then do that. Just dont keep doing what doesn’t work. change it up and find your booty key. good luck
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
May 30th, 2010 at 4:29 am
Correct, do what works. I’m just offering something that I know works for many people, including myself. Take from it what you want. However assuming that the men are slacking and the woman are overburdened with housework for the purpose of the article is not sexist any more than saying men are usually taller than women or most women where their hair longer than most men. The situation I describe really is happening in millions of couples relationships. I’m simply acknowledging it and providing a situation specific solution. That’s not sexism.
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June 8th, 2010 at 9:10 pm
A friend on facebook posted a link to this blog. I have to say that I really agree with your posting. And in my relationship this is very true. The more stressed out I become and the less help I get from my husband the less that I find him sexually attractive. But the more help I get and the less stress that results from that the more sex he gets. I am a SAHM of two under 4 so it is constant battle.
The only thing extra input I might have would be for the other men who are complaining about how they are doing (or had done) the recommendations and it did not help. These suggestions are wonderful for people who are still in the single digit years of their marriage or for ones that still have young children. The longer that one or both people sit and ignore the sexual or emotional needs of the other – the harder it is to get back what was lost. If a man has gone 10 yrs or more in his marriage with a wife who has been raising children and their sex life is null even after him helping it might be due to resentment on the wife’s part. I am not too proud to say that most women feel like they do the majority of the child rearing and housekeeping. We are also “raised” not to ask for help and we often times mistakenly think that our husbands (partners) should just “Know” when we want help and what to do. Just like men (IMHO) think that women should just “Know” that they always want and need sex. And when that other person does not just “know” and you have to stoop to asking or telling them it can lead to resentment building for the other person. And once this has built for some many years it is hard to get back to the original love that started the relationship.
I can tell you honestly that most women are basically spoon-feed the idea of a soul mate from a young age. The man who will always be there, know what you want, help with everything, love you always and do it all without you having to ask. Blame romance novels, society, what ever you wish but this thinking is usually what causes a women to become the frigid nagging shrew that most married men whine about when marriage does not turn out like “promised”. Now I am not saying this is the man’s fault but men are not raised with this same mind set. To be quite honest the “Bait and Switch” works both ways. Men think that women trap them into marriage by giving lots of sex and fun and then take it away once they get their house and kids. Whereas women think that men trap them into marriage with romantic dates and promises and then take it away once they get their heirs and housekeeper.
The key I found is communication. I had no desire to see my marriage collapse or become the typically thing of two people living in a house raising kids but not really loving each other anymore. So I asked my husband what he needed from me. Sex and Support were his answers. My main one was help with the house and kids. So he tries to help out more than he already does and I try to give him more sex than I already did. Most of the time is works beautifully. Every now and them we have to remind each other.
But there are other reasons for lack of sex in a marriage. Like you stated there are some women who lose themselves in the mommy phase. This almost happened to me but I soon figured out that is was a mix of what I thought society was pushing on me (mommy = not sexy) and the hormones from having had a child. Biologically a woman’s body for around two years after a baby sees no reason to get “knocked up” again since they are still raising one child. And biologically the reason that men want sex so much is cause their body is telling them to have as many children as possible, so that their genes survive. This to me is another thing that makes marriage harder. Since we are technically going against our biology by pairing off like we do, rather than living in herds or groups. On the societal side we are bombarded of images of hot young (supposedly) single and childless girl-women all around. It is hard for women that has had her body change as a result of child birth to see herself as sexy when it seems that the world is telling you are not. We can’t all be Hedi Klum and Angelina Jolie and get back to our pre-baby selves in a few short works. (Mostly cause they have nannies, housemaids, trainers, etc.) And this can be psychologically upsetting. Especially when you catch your husband drooling over women like that.
Marriage, as well as sex, is work. And in order for you to be good at both you are to work at both. My husband always states that he likes to make sure sex is good for me since that will keep me coming back, well the same is true of the relationship itself.
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June 9th, 2010 at 4:37 am
Wow. Thanks for taking the time to write such a well thought out comment. I needed this. I especially like the part about discussing your needs. I think many couples forget that their partner isn’t a mind reader. The “men need sex” part is a common assumption but I think many women forget about the support part.
I remember a few years back when I was particularly stressed out about a client who was trying to rip me off by weasling out of a $10,000 invoice and my partner’s getting all worked up and pointing out what I should do and laying blame.
I flat out stopped her and told her I just need her support right now. I asked her how she would respond if one of her female friends we’re going through the same thing.
She said, “I’d just be supportive and not try to fix or judge the situation.”
I said, “well that’s exactly what I need right now. I just need you to back me up on this.”
And that’s what she did and it felt great.
Your “bait and switch” observation is quite accurate I believe. I’ve seen both men and women do this and it’s not pretty.
Thanks again for such a wonderful post. After so many angry husband comments yours was a welcome relief. Of course, you’re a woman so these angry guys will just dismiss your advice as trickery and manipulation. Too bad for them.
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July 12th, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Wow, there are some seriously deprived and upset men who read this posting! I have been married to my wife for over 10 years and I am luck to say that our sex life has only gotten better. We were one of those couples who like this post states have a normaly and healthy sexual libido but were starting to get bored with our sex life. I started doing some research online with ways to improve our sex life and continue to do so today, I came across an article not too long ago that it may be of some help to folks, you can check it out here, http://ezinearticles.com/?Fun-Sex-Games-For-Couples—Time-to-Add-a-Twist-to-Your-Relationship&id=2383610
My wife and I continue to look for ways of improving out sex life and so far so good!
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