My Disturbing Google Analytics – Search Engines, Pedophilia, and The Unexpected Consequences of Having a Parenting Blog

Summary – If you have a parenting blog you will most likely attract a few pedophiles. Sad but true. Plus bonus tips on how to reduce your parenting blog’s attractiveness to pedophiles.

There are unintended consequences to everything and blogging about fatherhood is no exception.

Now being a father with a daughter, I’m naturally going to use words like young, girl, child, kid and so on. But I also like to write about love, relationships, and sex. These subjects are about me and my partner. Adding to the mix is my use of salty language. I’m not shy about using the occasional fuck to make my point.

Taken in context these terms have clear purpose and are not easily confused with other meanings or interpretation. That is unless you are not a human being and instead a robot.

Search engines send out “bots” and “crawlers” to scan the text and code on your website. They collect this data and send it back where its is cataloged on thousands of servers. This is called indexing. Google has tens of thousands of servers spread across the world that enable it to return near instantaneous results to your search queries.

Now Google’s algorithm is incredibly sophisticated from a mathematical perspective but very primitive from a human perspective. It can’t understand irony or a good joke. It has no idea that a single web page may have three distinct essays on it that have nothing in common with each other. It doesn’t understand context or when you’re using metaphor or hyperbole. Basically, it’s a simple number cruncher.

Now, for everyday purposes this is plenty good for helping you find what you want. The market has anointed Google the clear winner on relevancy by capturing (judging from my own statistics) at least 90% of the search market.

So this is how it all works and most of the time it works well. But because Google is basically a number cruncher it lumps all my words and sentences together. This content lumping leads a few people, who are searching for some very disturbing subjects, to visiting my site. Below is a collection, in no particular order, of the fifty creepiest search terms from November 2009 to November 2010.

distrubing google analytics search terms

Now could some of these be academic/investigative research or normal curiosity? Yes. I know I’ve searched for some pretty fucked up stuff over the years. But some of these could not possibly fit in that category. Some of these are without a doubt searches by men who have a very unhealthy sexual attraction to children. Some may actually be currently molesting children at this very moment.

Now this is not my fault of course. It’s Google’s. But not really Google’s either as they can’t understand context nor control how people search.

Fortunately these people don’t hang out on my blog. In web analytics there is a term called bounce rate. If someone comes to your site and then backs out without visiting any other pages, that person would have a 100% bounce rate. Nearly all of these visitors had a 100% bounce rate which means my blog didn’t match what they were really looking for. Whew!

So I’m not going to change my writing style over this as it would defeat the whole purpose of writing personal blog as well as be pointless exercise as there is no way to predict how it will all come out in the end. Plus, my daughter is in no real danger. These are just lonely messed up guys with bad spelling trying to satisfy their needs through digital gratification.

So should I stress out even more about what photos I choose to show? I’m already pretty strict. A totally innocent picture of my daughter could be a turn-on for a molester. I can’t help that. Just as a women’s shoe catalog can be a masturbatory aid for a man who has a foot fetish, so can a parenting blog be a source of titillation for a person who’s sexually attracted to children.

So what’s a turn-on for a pedophile? Besides the obvious stuff that shows some skin, I have no idea. I also assume it’s as varied as normal adult sexual attraction is. I wish I could change how some people think, but I can’t. How any one person is going to interpret what I post is mostly out of my control. That’s just how it is.

Plus they also clog up my visitor stats with irrelevant data which probably bugs me even more than the predator stuff. Lay off my analytics assholes!

Here’s Three Simple Rules That Will Greatly Reduce Your Parenting Blog’s Attractiveness to Pedophiles. (I don’t personally follow these rules but as an SEO expert and web developer with over ten years experience I guarantee they will work.)

1. Use deceptive or anonymous file names for your images. A picture of your infant daughter taking a bath should be something like “image-0001.jpg” or “box.jpg” not “my-daughter-taking-bath.jpg”.

2. Use deceptive alt tags/image descriptions when inserting images into posts. A picture of your infant daughter taking a bath should be something like “a plain brown box” or “carton of eggs”.

3. Don’t use words like sex, fuck, fucking, nude, naked, shit,and shitting anywhere on your blog.

If you want to see who’s visiting your blog then install Google Analytics.
It’s free.

How to Install Google Analytics
If you want to install Google analytics on your blog then sign up for an account here. Then, if you have a WordPress blog, install the Google Analyticator Plugin by searching for new plugins in your admin panel then click install now. Just insert your Google account profile ( it will look something like this: UA-5555555-3) in the proper field and you’re done.

File Under: How to Stop Pedophiles from Visiting Your Parenting Blog, Mom Blog, Mommy Blog, Dad Blog, or Father Blog – How Search Engines Index Your Blog

8 Responses to “My Disturbing Google Analytics – Search Engines, Pedophilia, and The Unexpected Consequences of Having a Parenting Blog”

  • Justin Says:

    I have analytics for my Blogspot blog, but I can’t seem to figure out how to get the list of search terms.

    Also, going WAY back to a previous post of yours, a coworker asked me if I was getting pictures of my daughter with Santa. My response to her, while tempered with politeness, made her cringe and suggest that maybe I was a bad parent.


    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    In the analytics profile for your blog look on left menu. Choose “Traffic Sources” and then “Keywords”


  • Amanda Says:

    This blog post is funny, especially since I came across your site yesterday while Googling and trying to figure out why my 5yo daughter has massive poops (came across your post with the pic of the poo in the toilet, LOL). I’m looking forward to reading through more of your previous posts.


  • Grumpyhatlady Says:

    I found this happened to me inadvertently when I posted about sex education and some of the terms searched for were vile and sickening. I can stomach pretty much anything but *that* is just horrible. Your search terms were far worse than mine. I removed the offending pic which got google images no1 spot for penis somehow and all kinds of nutters popped along for a gawk. It even killed my server.

    Interesting to see the “real” use of the internet hasnt changed. Would love to know if google tracks people who make such requests. Would seem idiotic to query google about such terms without a bit of paranoia.


  • Pokeysdad Says:

    Well I’m hooked. I’ll be reading through your other posts as I try to exercise my brain a little.


  • Kevin Says:

    Just found your blog, we are the same age & I have 6 & 7 year old daughters so I am looking forward to exploring what you’ve got to say. I flirt with the internet and its stats as part of my job so I found this post very interesting…however I had to seriously focus on the content as I was reading because of the last sentence of your second paragraph was causing my brain to spasm with the urge to scream: “That’s what she said!”

    Whew! Feel much better now. 🙂


  • Ela Says:

    I encountered the same problem tonight. I have Statcounter installed so I see their IP’s as well. Shouldn’t we like send these info to the Police in order to verify what’s going on with these people?


  • Dawn Says:

    Some years ago I found a picture of my son on a pedo* site. I only found out that his picture was there because the idiots were hotlinking and I caught in in mys tats. I changed it out with another image and contacted the board admin to let him know that I could SEE that they had pics of kids on there even though the board was locked up to members-only. I can only assume it was pedo* because of the title of the boards (think NAMBLA). The image was absolutely innocuous — a snap of my preschooler wearing something that covered up everything but his eyes. In short, bloggers should know that any and all pictures are fair game, even ones that show nothing but your child’s eyes. Please be careful out there!!!!


Leave a Reply