Jun 24 2010

My Seven Year Old Daughter’s Burial Instructions

Summary: Death is final…or is it?

rubber t rex toy

My daughter's 20 inch high rubber T-Rex toy.

My daughter and I just left Betty’s Burgers and we’re headed to Capitola Mall to play in the kids area.

“When I die I want to be put in a coffin and I want you to put my T-Rex inside with me.”

“Really? So why do you want T-Rex put in the coffin…any specific reason?”

“I want him in there so he can clean me. Maybe about once a week he can get all the dust off me.”


“Yes, and also so he can open my eyes if I come back alive. And if I come back alive he can also open the coffin up so I can get out.”

We arrive at the mall and I get out a pen and notebook pad from the glove box.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m making a note to myself.”

“About what?”

“I find your request to have your T-Rex in your coffin interesting.”

“Oh, so you don’t forget to put the T-Rex in when I die? That’s a good idea.”

“Uh, something like that.”

File Under: Even Kids Want to be Buried with Their Most Cherished Possessions

Jun 21 2010

The Paradox of the Perfect Relationship – Long Term Relationship Conflicts and Appreciating Your Partner’s Differences

Summary: The things you admire most about your partner may very well be the things that will ultimately bug you the most. That’s the paradox part.

My partner is a freak of nature. Her morals and values are unshakable. She always does the right thing without hesitation. Most people do the right thing as well but only after thinking about it first and weighing the options. For her, there are no options and nothing to consider. Right is right and wrong is wrong. End of story.

And I love her for it. Continue reading

Jun 20 2010

Double Income No Kids to Stay at Home Mom – When Going Back to Work Doesn’t Work

Summary: The plan was for her to go back to work after four months maternity leave. What were we thinking?

My partner took about four and half months off from her job as a preschool teacher to have our daughter. One month before and three and a half months after. The plan was that she would go back to work and resume our regular lives.

She was only going to go back part-time so she would work a shorter schedule by coming in later at 10:30 and then working till the end of the day 2:30. She’d had the job for nine years, and for a preschool teacher was at the top of her pay scale in our area, but her take home pay was still low. About $850 per month for the part time schedule.

I, on the other hand, was self-employed. I had my own graphic design business and worked from home. The plan was that after she went back to work I would take care of our daughter and work on and off when possible. Mostly when she was asleep. When my partner got home I’d be free to devote all of my remaining hours to my job while she took care of our daughter.

Well the harsh realities of parenthood hit fast and hard. It was clear after one week that there would be no way to slip in a bit of work here and there. Perhaps answer the phone or handle an email or two, but that was it. Continue reading

Jun 14 2010

I Put Soap in the Toothpaste! – Dealing With a Child’s Bizarre Behavior

Summary: Sometimes your child’s behavior is so bizarre you simply don’t know what to do.

I’m taking care of the aquarium when my daughter comes out of the bathroom after brushing her teeth.

“I think it’s your turn to brush your teeth.”

“I will later.”

“I really think you should brush your teeth right now.”

“Oh no. What did you do?”

I walk into the bathroom and start looking around. It looks normal so I reach for the toothpaste. Just then my partner yells out from the living room.

“Don’t use the toothpaste! She put soap on it!”

“What, are you serious?” Continue reading

Jun 14 2010

Romance in a Long Term Relationship – Redefining The Romantic Gesture

Summary: Forget what you’ve been taught about romance. It’s not about chocolates, candlelight or bubble baths. In a long-term relationship being romantic is doing anything practical that shows you care and are thinking about the other person.

“What’s going on in here?”

“Uh, I prepared a bubble bath for you.”

“You know I don’t care for baths. Plus our tub is so uncomfortable and small. Did you even rinse it down before you filled it?

“Huh? You mean wash the bath tub?”

“Yes, you need to wash the tub first before filling it otherwise the water will be dirty.”

“But it’s a bathtub. We shower in it everyday. It’s like the cleanest thing in the house.”

“No, it’s one of the dirtiest because we’re always standing in it with dirty feet and rinsing our bodies in it! And what the hell are all these candles doing in here? Is the light broken?”

“No, I just thought it would nice to have a bath by candlelight…”

“Great, now there’s going to be wax over everything. You didn’t even put candle holders or plates underneath all of them. There must be like twenty! Do you have any idea how hard it is to get wax off? I already have to deal with bits of your surf wax getting everywhere now I have to deal with this.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll clean it up, just enjoy your bath.”

“One, I don’t want to take a bath and two, even if I did I couldn’t enjoy it because I’d be thinking about the mess I’d need to clean up afterwards. That’s hardly relaxing. You want to help me relax? Try not messing up the house for once!” Continue reading

Jun 13 2010

I Just Want Darth Vader, No Princess Leia

On my daughter’s 7th  birthday we got her some Star Wars action figures. We (meaning that my partner took all the time to find, purchase and wrap the gift but I get to share in the credit) got her a nice set of the classic ones but we couldn’t find Darth Vader and Princess Leia. My partner explains the situation.

“I’m sorry we couldn’t find Darth Vader and Princess Leia.”

“I just want the Darth Vader.”

“But what about Princess Leia?”

“I don’t want her. I don’t like her.”

“But Princess Leia is a girl. I though you’d like a girl character. She’s the only major female character in the movie.”

“I don’t like girls. I hate girls.’

“But you’re a girl.”

“I know. I hate myself too.” She says with a smirk.

“That makes sense because I kind of hate you too” I chime in with a big grin.

“Yeah, I know. Everyone hates me.”

Now to understand this conversation you need to know my daughter has a wicked sense of humor. At seven years old she’s already got the dry, deadpan, absurdist schtick down pat. She knew that was a ridiculous response designed to mess with us and get a rise. We obviously didn’t take the bait.

File Under: My Daughter Has a Very Dry Sense of Humor.

Jun 13 2010

What? The Karate Kid is Not a Girl?

Summary: Sometimes identifying gender can be tough for kids

My daughter’s been looking forward to seeing the new Karate Kid with Jaden Smith ever since she saw the first preview. We go too see it on Saturday and after some previews the movie finally starts. Five minutes into it my daughter asks a most interesting question.

“Is that a boy or a girl?”

“Uh, that’s a boy.”

“I though it was a girl.”

“So every time you saw the previews you thought the Karate Kid was about a girl?”


“I’m sorry about that. Are you disappointed that he’s a boy?”

“Yes. But that’s Ok, I’ll just pretend he’s a girl.”

So a word to Hollywood. Make more family oriented action movies with lead characters that are girls.

File Under: My Daughter Still Assumes People with Long Hair are Girls Even Though Her Own Dad Has Long hair.

Jun 10 2010

Keeping Your Sex Life Alive After Having Kids – How to Have A Great Sex Life After Marriage and Children

Summary: If you want a good sex life, and you are in a long-term relationship with children, you need to make having sex at least as high a priority as brushing your teeth.

So Joe bumps into Bob at the gym.

“How’s it going Bob?

“Not so good Joe. I almost got fired from my job yesterday.”

“Dude, why?”

“They said I haven’t  been coming to work over the last two weeks.”

“What? You mean you just don’t show up?”

“Well I’d like to but I don’t think you should force these things. Working should come naturally. It should be spontaneous or it ruins its specialness. Lately it just hasn’t been happening.”

“You’re shitting me right? Like you don’t even set an alarm clock?”

“No, of course not. I don’t want to force it. If I’m supposed to go to work it will just happen. It will feel right.”

“Ok, I’m not going to argue with you on that one because you are either whacked in the head or you’re fucking with me. Either way, I’m done. But what’s up with your teeth? They’ll all yellow and crusty and your breath stinks like a sewer!”

“Well I haven’t brushed in like a month or so…”

“Huh? Are you crazy. Your teeth are going to rot out!”

“Well I’d like to have clean teeth but I just haven’t been in the mood. It’s not natural to force yourself to brush your teeth. It’s not like I don’t try. I’ll get out the toothbrush and even put it on the counter. Sometime I’ll even put some toothpaste on it.  But then something else just comes up, the kids distract me, or I get too tired and just go to bed instead.”

“Look, if you want to have healthy teeth you need to brush them. That’s it. You can’t wait around for it to happen. You need to make a schedule.”

“I just don’t believe that. My body will tell me when the time is right. God didn’t put me on earth to act like some robot that just brushes their teeth on command or forces themselves to go to work. These things are intimate and special. If it was meant to be, it will be.”

“Dude. I’m outta here.” Continue reading

Jun 7 2010

Kidnappers Have Better Food Options

Summary: A Child’s naivety leads her to develop some unusual priorities.

I’m in the car with my daughter on our way to the 41st Avenue Taqueria when she drops the usual loaded question.

“How do kidnappers come alive?”

“What do you mean come alive?”

“How do kidnappers come alive?”

“You mean how do they become kidnappers?”

“Yes. How do they start taking children?”

“Well, most likely they we born nice and friendly but somewhere along the line they became a kidnapper. A lot of times it’s because they were treated really bad as a child themselves and that messes up their mind so they start doing bad things to children when they grow up.”

“Do kidnappers eat junky food?”

“Well, I assume some of them probably do.”

“Well then I want to live in a house with kidnappers so I can eat junky food.”

“Wow (laughing) that is really funny…”

“Why is that funny?”

File Under: Kids Say Some Strange Things