Men and Sex – 7 Things Every Woman Should Know About How Their Boyfriend or Husband Thinks About Sex
Summary – Men like to watch porn, look at other women and judge the health of their relationships by the frequency and quality of the sex. This is how things are and it’s not going to change.
If a man had these eight things to do in a day, this is how he would put them in order of importance. And honestly, everything after the time machine is purely optional.
I’m going to paint in broad strokes here. Every man is different but the odds are that most, if not all of these seven points, are fundamentally true for the man your are with right now. This is how your steak and potatoes philistine macho-man husband thinks. This how your artsy-fartsy feminist boyfriend thinks. This is how your brother, father, grandfather and every man you’ve ever come into contact with thinks.
Some women accept these facts of life easily. Some go through a mourning period when they finally realize, that yes, that even their wonderful, sensitive, caring husband is really, deep down inside, a pig.
1. Men Like to Look at Porn.
This is so obvious I’m surprised it needs mentioning. However, judging from Oprah, Dear Abby, and countless magazines and relationship columnists it apparently needs to be mentioned. I’m going to tell you something about men and porn that is so important, so profound, that I’ll write it in all caps, bold it and use italics…oh, and put it in red also:
THE FACT THAT YOUR MAN LOOKS AT PORN HAS NO RELATIONSHIP TO HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU, YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR HOW HAPPY OR SEXUALLY SATISFIED HE IS. ZIP. ZILTCH. NADA.
A man could be in the most amazing relationship, with the most beautiful woman in the world, and have mind-blowing sex every day, and he would still look at porn. This is just the way it is. A man looks at porn for two reasons. One, as a masturbatory aid. Masturbation as well as porn has no relationship to how sexually satisfied he is with you. It’s completely separate. Secondly, we enjoy it because it engages our most primitive instincts and lights up our brain. Men get the same charge out of porn as they do from watching YouTube videos of explosions, fights, and guys getting hit in the nuts. It never gets old.
So drop all the female centric opinions about porn and what it means if your man watches it. It means nothing and you can’t stop it anymore than you can stop the tides.
2. Men Look at Other Women and Have Sexual Thoughts About Them.
Again, this so obvious it’s hardly worth mentioning. Men look at other women. We can’t help it. It’s a reflex. We also have sexual thoughts about these women. Not complex thoughts like women do. These are extremely brief, primitive thoughts, lasting only milliseconds. They are rapid fire flashes of dreamlike imagery. We can’t control them or turn them off. The most maddening part is we get sexual thoughts about all women regardless of appropriateness or attraction. Relatives, teachers, and our best friend’s wife are included. Women we are extremely attracted to and ones that we are repulsed by are also included. Women we don’t find attractive are the most frustrating. If a man sees a woman he doesn’t like he’ll have brief flashes of thought about how he wouldn’t like to do her. About how unpleasant it would be to touch her. It is a curse and all men simply learn to disregard these images and thoughts. And you should too. They mean nothing.
3. Men Make Subtle Changes Throughout the Day to Increase Their Chances of Being Around Attractive Women.
Men like to be in the presence of attractive women. We get a kick out of it and it brightens our day. If we are in the grocery store, and there are three checkout lines of equal length, we will choose to wait in the line with the most attractive checker. If one of the checkers is especially attractive, but has the longest line, we will probably take it anyway if we don’t look too creepy doing it.
We don’t do this because we have allusions to getting lucky. We don’t expect it to go anywhere. We just get a kick out of being in the company of beautiful women. The more the better.
This means that we are attracted to most of our female friends. There are lots of women that would make suitable friends. However you can’t be friends with all them. Why not put your effort towards the ones you find most attractive? Initial sexual attraction has probably forged the majority of male/female friendships. It’s the extra push that get’s you engaged beyond the causal nod stage. There is nothing wrong with this and it’s totally innocent.
So if you are a female with lots of males friends, you probably have a lot of men who, under different circumstances, would most definitely like to have sex with you.
4. Men are Always Ready for Sex.
Is it OK to wake your man up to have sex? Always. Is it OK to initiate sex while he’s trying to eat lunch? You bet. How about when he’s lying in a hospital bed dieing from cancer. Yes, then too. Especially then because it’s nasty. Nasty is good. Forbidden is good. Unexpected is good. Sex is good anytime and always appreciated.
For women this sounds weird. They need to be “in the mood”. The conditions have to be just right. There’s a time and a place for everything. Getting to orgasm is like walking a tightrope.
Men are NOT like women. If they were, the human race would have died out a long time ago. On the most primitive and animalistic level it is our job to make sure the human race continues, at all cost. We are hard-wired to pursue and initiate. We get erections ridiculously easy and we come quickly. We don’t get distracted. In the modern world that means yes, we’re ready to go anytime, anywhere. So take advantage of it.
5. Your Man Thinks You’re Hot.
Do women ever feel they are attractive enough? You may be hard on yourself but your man isn’t. He’s into you big time. He likes to watch you dress and undress. He likes your lips, your body, your eyes and the way you smell. He will never tire of feeling your breasts, caressing your ass and watching you bend over. For a man, it’s like the first time, every time. However, deep down inside men are still amazed that anyone would want to have sex with them. And it’s not because we have low self-esteem. It’s because when straight men look at other men, all we see are awkward, lumbering goofs with bad manners and hairy bodies. Our first thought is “there’s no way anyone woman in their right mind, with any standards or pride, would have sex with that”. We simply just don’t get why you like us. And if we had to be born female, we’d prefer to be a lesbian. That’s just a given.
6. Men View Sex as a Relationship Requirement.
One of the main driving forces for a man to settle down is to secure access to frequent and reliable sex. Chasing sex is exhausting. By pairing up with a woman who can provide sex on a frequent basis, we’ve eliminated one of life’s biggest distractions and sources of frustration. Having access to frequent, and reliable sex allows us to focus on other things in life like getting a job or developing a hobby.
7. Men See Sexual Frequency as the Major Indicator as to How Well the Relationship is Going.
To a man, if the sex is good, the relationship is good. Period. Unfortunately, women are the opposite. They view good sex as an indicator that the relationship is good. It’s a result of a close, safe, caring bond with their man. It’s a by-product, and not a test of the relationship’s value. This is a subtle but profound difference. To a man, sex is the relationship. If there is no sex, there is no relationship. So if you expect your male partner to take the relationship seriously you better be having frequent sex.
Frequency varies from couple to couple and is usually a compromise between two competing desires, so there’s no point in defining here what constitutes “frequent”. That’s up to each couple. Since for men, sex is the relationship, you should have your relationship talks after having sex. He will be very responsive. This is because by having sex you just demonstrated to him that you have a relationship to begin with. To put it in caveman terms he’s thinking “she had sex with me, that mean she love me, me happy, me feel good, me now ready to talk.” Because for a man, if you’re not having sex, then there is no “relationship” to talk about.
Conclusion
This is not about good or bad, or right and wrong. This is about what is. You can choose to accept it or choose to fight it. Men have no problem accepting that women are different. That’s the whole point really. We don’t want you to be like a guy. Sure, we complain, but I have yet to talk to man who had any idea, no matter how fleeting, that he could change the woman in his life. It’s impossible. All men know this. It’s time for women to accept the same futility. You’ll be much happier, I promise.
If you think this is just a bunch of nonsense designed to put all the responsibility on women, that I’m letting men off the hook, then read my other article about what men need to accept and do if they expect to have a good sexual relationship.
That’s it for now.
File Under: What Women Should Know About Sex and Men – How Men Think About Sex – How a Man Feels About Sex and Relationships
December 28th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
Ok so I just came across your article on a search and it was quite interesting and informative. Now I have a question that totally doesn’t match what you say. I want to have sex with my boyfriend and try massaging, touching and insinuating and offering lots of different things but he would rather please himself in the bath or shower. How can I get him to want sex again?
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 28th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
I’d say you probably can’t. If a man is consistently choosing masturbation over real sex there is most likely something going on in his mind that has nothing to do with you or what you are doing. Obviously he can’t continue his behavior and also maintain his status as your boyfriend. They just aren’t compatible. Maybe he needs it explained that way, in no uncertain terms. If this is how he prefers his sex life then he really should find someone that also prefers it that way. It’s not a judgment on his preference, it’s just we all need to find a partner that is sexually compatible. Good luck.
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January 4th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
Jodi, try giving him a BJ in the morning while he’s still asleep. If he doesn’t wake up and give you a good fuck, then there’s definitely something terribly wrong (or just incompatible) with him. Good luck.
.-= Next Half Life´s lastest blog ..Finding the right domain name =-.
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February 1st, 2010 at 7:14 pm
I have a couple questions for you. How do you think all this plays into a domestice violence relationship? I have virtually no interest in sex anymore at all and the thought of it can and often does upset me in numerous ways. And in male/female friendships, does the way a man talks to a women mean anything? For example: I have two male friends I’ve been friends with since high school, only one I talk to at all these days, and he just never seems to have much to say at all, on the phone or in email. It’s like 5 or 10 minutes of “hey, what’s up with you?” and then he has to go. I just don’t feel like he wants to continue the friendship. I feel so needy because I want more from our conversations, or am I just looking in the wrong place? Can you shed any light for me? Thanks, great blog-as always.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 9:45 pm
As for domestic violence that’s kind of another situation. If a guy is beating on his partner he has a whole layer of addition problems that interact with basic male sexuality in unfortunate ways. Where as a normal guy can just enjoy an attractive woman’s presence or accept the fact that his female friend is just not interested in him the same way, a guy who’s wired for violence is going to interpret the same situation much differently. There’s all sorts of issues involving control, anger and self esteem that can lead to a dangerous situation. Basically, abusers can’t manage normal social situations like the rest of us.
Now about your guy friend. If a guy doesn’t make an effort to engage with you then he’s just not that interested. I think women are the same way, but since women are more social and accommodating by nature it’s not as obvious when a women’s not interested. For men it’s pretty easy to tell as they don’t put any effort into anything they’re not interested in.
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Sarah Tena Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 10:00 pm
Thanks, that helps. I’m having an emotional night as I’m sure you could tell. Sorry to dump on you.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
February 2nd, 2010 at 5:03 am
Not a problem. Glad you enjoyed my blog.
March 26th, 2010 at 2:54 pm
This was very enjoyable to read and very true! I’m 43 and my guy is 23. I was initially worried about age, my body, his level of interest, him wanting a younger woman, was he just after sex and all the other nonsense. Well no worries here. I have relaxed my boundaries, listened to his words and pay attention to his actions and realized that he is who he is…he is a wonderfully uncomplicated male! If he like porn so what. If he looks at other women so what. If he has female friends so what. He comes home to me and no one else, its my body and mind he wants and appreciates and no one elses, its me he wants to satisfy and no one else. He tells his female friends about me and asks for suggestions about how to please me! He in return gets no judgements, his space and man time with his buds. Why didn’t I catch onto to this when I was younger?!
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
March 26th, 2010 at 4:46 pm
Sounds like you scored! I’m glad you enjoyed the post.
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November 5th, 2010 at 12:35 pm
So if men are constantly with their sexual radars on, how can they ever find the one they are with sexiually attractive or even fall in love at all? Don’t they believe in being faithful in mind too?. So how can we ever even go out to a public place and wonder if all he’s doing is filling up his mental rolodex to masterbate later?
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 2:11 pm
You brought up two questions so I’ll answer them in order.
How do we fall in love? The same way women do. Men don’t confuse the real thing with superficial primitive reactions to an attractive woman. And the ones that do confuse the two have a long string of failed relations behind them to show for it. All my male friends are completely devoted to their spouses and children yet we all check out other woman and have opinions on them one way or another. We have no problem understanding it’s meaningless and it has no bearing on how we feel about our partners.
How can you can you go out and not wonder if he’s not checking out other women? You can’t. He’s going to do it. The mature one’s do it discretely, the immature guys tend to gawk.
Beside the gawking, which is disrespectful to your partner, why should it matter what he’s thinking privately? What counts are actions. So if being mentally faithful means only having sexual thoughts or attractions to their partner and none for other women, then no, a man cannot be faithful. If being mentally faithful means devoting his life to you, then yes, a man can easily be faithful.
You can look at this. Which is more impressive:
1. A man with a healthy libido, who has attractions for other women, yet is still completely devoted to you.
or
2. A eunuch who is unable to feel any attractions to other women, no matter how fleeting and superficial, but who’s completely devoted to you.
At the end of the day, I’d rather know my partner has/had many options to choose from but chose, and continues to choose me, every single day.
To me, that’s true faithfullness.
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Nicole Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 3:12 pm
thanks for your reply. I just found it hard hear my boyfriend tell me he has his “private” moments with images he said are fleeting of past women etc. But the problem is he said he NEVER once had me in his fantasies. And this is AFTER he told me he never thought of other women and loves me only. He said thoughts of other women didn’t include the images that pop in his head. and no, we don’t have sex hardly at all because by the time he gets to see me, he is all juiced out. It hurts to think that at his age of 55 he can claim to have E/D but can still materbate to other women and not me.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
November 5th, 2010 at 3:26 pm
Ahhh. Well that’s a different story. He’s choosing masturbation over real intimacy which is a real problem. I don’t think he’s being honest with himself or you. Could be any number of internal issues that is causing him to prefer masturbation but I bet good money it has nothing to do with you.
November 6th, 2010 at 9:21 am
My boyfriend tells me he doesn’t think of me when he masterbates, but of other women. I felt so crappy about this. Does this mean that they arre sexier to be able to turn him on more than me in his mind? He said he doesn’t ever fantasize about me because there is emotional ties, is this a lie he told me? If these women are past lovers or random women, how can he possibly not think I should be upset? and then he can face me when he sees me without any guilt? Please explain this because you say it as it is.
Linda
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
November 6th, 2010 at 10:28 am
I also masturbate to images of other women but I prefer video or the written word. I don’t use images of my partner to masturbate to. However, when we (my partner and I) are having sex, I don’t fantasize about anyone, including her, because I’m doing exactly what I would normally fantasize about…which is having sex. The experience is so intense and wonderful I don’t know how anyone can think of anything else when “doing it”. So with sex, I’m 100% present and focused on my partner. When masturbating I prefer images of mythical women I have no connection to. I suspect this is very common. So yes, as long as the sex is good and he’s a good partner in life, I’d say what he is saying is true for him and unrelated to how he feels about you.
It’s important to keep in mind, that for a mentally healthy male, masturbation is a release. It’s not a substitute for intimacy and definitely not sex. It’s like scratching a really bad itch. When a guy has a dramatic rise in sexual energy that doesn’t get released it interferes with his ability to concentrate. Sometimes you just need to jerk off so you can get some work done. It’s really that simple. It’s not a coincidence that all of the euphemisms around masturbation involve a degrading physical pun of some sort: Choking the Chicken, Wanking, Spanking the Monkey, Beating the Bishop, Rub One Out/Off, Beat Your Meat, Greasing/Flushing the Pipes, etc. This should give you a good idea of how guys think about masturbation. It’s a primitive physical act devoid of romance or feelings. You do it because you have to.
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December 5th, 2010 at 10:50 pm
My boyfriend and I have a really great relationship and I know he’s faithful, but I am still having trouble with the porn thing. So, two questions for you:
1. I am in my twenties and my boyfriend is about ten years older than me. He’s perfectly fine with commenting on the attractiveness of other women to me, but I am not comfortable with this, or conversely with pointing out attractive men to him. I am also not comfortable with him watching/ looking at porn, though I understand that is a losing battle. Could it be because of my age that my jealousy and suspicion is so easily awoken?
2. He often will look for my reaction when mentioning porn or other attractive women, and when I act unhappy he gets all upset. How does he EXPECT me to react?
Thanks
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 6th, 2010 at 6:11 am
Watching porn in your private time is not disrespectful, nor is discretely checking out other women. I do both and my partner is completely aware of this reality. I’m also very hot for my partner and I’m not shy about expressing that truth. But the comments about other women and goading you with comments about porn when he knows it upsets you is childish and not acceptable. He needs to knock it off.
If I encounter a women who’s particularly attractive to my tastes, and I stare too long, my partner will give me a quick “ok that’s enough” and I’ll immediately snap out of it and bring my attention back to us. It’s disrespectful, but occasionally I slip and she may point it out. I then correct my behavior right way and that’s the end of it.
You’re boyfriend needs to man up and stop acting live a passive aggressive child. He teases because he isn’t getting his way. It’s pathetic and unattractive. Definitely not a turn on and it will slowly chip away at your desire to fuck him no matter how great he is otherwise or how much you love him. And that’s the hard truth.
Show him this post. I understand his desires. I’m not a new age wimp. I look at porn and other women, but I keep in check and never use it as a weapon. That is not what a loving partner does.
As for the insecurities and being in your twenties part, yes that is a contributing factor. You’ll get better at handling the porn thing in your 30′s. Same with looking at other women. But no woman, at any age, should have to just put up with the teasing and disrespect. That is not age related. If fact, you’ll be even more assertive when you’re in your 30′s and 40′s when it comes to how you are treated and how your needs are met.
If he’s all pouty about it now, just wait another 10 years when you really put your foot down and rip him a new one. He’ll long for the days when you just rolled with the punches. Also when you’re older you’ll be more relaxed about the stuff that really doesn’t matter, but more focuses on the things that do. So you’ll be easy on your man over all but you’ll have zero tolerance for the stuff that does matter. And Hopefully that list will be short.
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December 10th, 2010 at 5:12 am
I really have a hard time understanding how can a man claim to be in love and yet he will pleasure himself to mental images of others. I have no interest at all in anyone else but my partner. I’m truly in love with him and find him physically perfect hence my fantasies ALL involve him as the main star. Please explain this more so I no longer feel my partner doesn’t love me at all.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 28th, 2010 at 9:46 am
I think I explained it pretty well in your first comment. If you insist on treating your boyfriend as if he’s a woman you will never feel relaxed. He is a man and thinks like a man. In some ways it’s good that he masturbates to images of other women. He’s making it clear that he put’s your relationship in a category that is far more special than anonymous fantasy women that he jerks off to. You should be taking it as compliment, but instead you want to compete with porn stars for his masturbatory fantasies. You can’t win this one and you need to focus on what’s really important.
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December 28th, 2010 at 7:29 am
I have to disagree with some the above statements.
Number 4 I totally disagree with all men are ready for sex. In our 40 plus years of marriage we have only had sex about 25 or 30 times. First 15 years very little, second 25 none at all. I’m very happy with out sex, love or intimacy. The wife and I are just friends. I don’t like being touched any where on my body. I just makes me creepy all over. My doctor is the only one that touchs me and hes the only one that fixed me. I didn’t want kids and I’m glad. Now on the other hand my wife has been lonely, depressed and starved of sex. I made sure got her pills to calm her down. And further more I’m not interested in her feelings. As far as i’m concered she can go else where to take care of her needs.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 28th, 2010 at 9:33 am
I’m not sure if I should leave your comment. You are either spinning a wild tale or you are completely mentally ill. It’s one thing to be asexual and touch phobic but you claim that you and your wife are friends yet you don’t care about her feelings or that she is miserable. So you are eihter make up a story or you really are more or less a sociopath. I’ll leave this for now but I may delete it later. I just don’t completely buy your story.
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Mife Reply:
January 18th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
I’m chimming back in!
Story is true the wife and I are just friends. Our house is split up like an appartment she has the upstairs and I have the downstairs. We come and go without bothering each other. She has her friends, and pretty much don’t bother with friends or the world in general. I’m now retired and rather work in my shop or on my car. And whether or not you buy my story is your option. I just enjoy being by my self.
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December 28th, 2010 at 10:40 am
Thank again. I guess I couldn’t accept his fantasy world not including me. I couldn’t accept that he loved me and was turned on by me, because if he was I would have been in his fantasy. So I broke it off completely and I really don’t care that he’s hurting, wanting to die and all the crap. I have to look at for my own mental health and that thought of him finding other women sexually more exciting (has to be the reason he fantasizes about them), was more than I could stand.
I will never believe that a man can be truly in love and still think of others. If your partner excites you than she would be in your fantasies too. Not prettier women with better bodies and faces etc.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
December 28th, 2010 at 10:55 am
Good luck. Hopefully the next guy will know ahead of time to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. I’m really serious on this one. ALL of my guys friends adore their wives and are great partners and fathers but they look at porn.I have never met another guy who is not like that. Some just hide it better than others or just learn to lie about it if it will get them in trouble. Maybe you’ll find that one magic guy who will match your expectations but be aware that the odds are really, really low.
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March 29th, 2011 at 9:47 am
best advice I have seen given on porn….its hard for women to seperate emotions from sex—not so with men…you gotta love them, can’t live without them and men hold up half the world.
Acceptance of how men think will only strengthen the confidence of a woman—and can be alot of fun!
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May 3rd, 2011 at 11:06 pm
Interesting read. R u on facebook? It’s easier for me to follow u from there- to read your blogs. Thanks, T
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July 27th, 2011 at 8:19 pm
Above it was mentioned men are always ready for sex, YA RIGHT !! My husband is not interested in any intimacy or sex. The last time he might have been interested in sex was 30 years ago. That was the last time we had sex I think it might have been longer. Really the only thing he is interested in is his shop and car. Years ago he moved all his things down stairs where hes built a small apartment. We comunicate by sticky notes stuck on his door. The only reason were together is we have no family or real friends. At first I missed sex but in time as they say if you don’t use you lose it. That is so true !!
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August 21st, 2011 at 5:04 am
As a woman, I can attest to the fact that MY SEXUAL needs come FIRST.
I am also a very “visual” person. And the variety provided by porn is awesome. My significant other is not a part of my “fantasy” life either.
I think as women, we still have that edge concerning sex.
What I mean is that we have a better chance of actually fufilling our masturbatory porn fantasies than men do. If we choose too.
Porn is not for men only.
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
August 21st, 2011 at 5:39 am
Your comment about women having a better chance of fulfilling their masturbatory fantasies is so true. This is why women have almost no anxiety around sex. They can simply get anything they want 24/7. When I tell this to women, most will say that’s not true. And then go on and on about how hard it is to find just the right guy – which is not the point. The point is, fulfillment of any sexual fantasy or desire is but a few hours way for a woman, ANY woman, and will require zero effort, and definitely no financial commitment. Seriously, just post what you want on Craigslist or any dating site and watch your inbox overflow within minutes. Or walk into a bar and announce what you are looking for and watch the line form. The only men who enjoy this same access are gay men, who of course are looking for men. Straight men don’t have this access to fulfillment.
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August 22nd, 2011 at 4:18 am
My question is how can u get my husband to have more sex.. We currently have sex once a day and sometimes if im lucky twice. I feel like the man in the relationship and he’s the woman. I would love to have sex 3 times a day to be satisfied but I feel like I am begging to get it even once sometimes. We have been fighting more than usual but I feel that is NO reason to NOT have sex! He says that he can’t have sex if we are arguing. I even told him he shouldnt be holding out on sex just bc we are arguing and he says that he’s not holding out he can’t get in the mood if things aren’t right with us. My question is should I back off? I don’t want to turn him off but now I had to watch porn to get off when he won’t give me any and I feel like this whole situation is a huge role reversal and its driving me crazy!
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
August 22nd, 2011 at 10:00 am
Wow. Once a day is a pretty full schedule, even for a guy. Three times a day is not realistic. A woman has a much greater physiological disposition for multiple orgasms than a man does. Every time a man comes it’s a big deal. Our systems need time to recover, especially as we age. Most likely he wouldn’t be able to keep up with your ideal of three times per day even if he wanted too. He’ll just be too sore and drained after a while. He’ll basically start having dry orgasms (orgasms without ejaculate or very little ejaculate) and those are no fun. Ever see porn where it’s time for the guy to get off, and after he jerks himself off for like three minutes, a tiny dribble comes out? It’s because he probably came twice already but they needed more footage, or they screwed up the money shot and needed to re shoot.
I agree with the arguing part. My partner and I will still have sex when we’ve been fighting, but it’s a turn off for both of us and we need some cool off period first.
And truthfully, it’s a good sign that he’s turned off sexually if things aren’t right between you to. That means he’s a decent guy who won’t abuse you.
So yes, back off, take the focus off performance and how many times a day and just be a friendly affectionate couple. The frequency will go back up naturally. Although don’t count on three times a day. You two will just have to work out a compromise on this. He’ll learn that he needs to do it a little more than is natural for him, and you’ll have to do it a bit less than is natural for you.
My partner and I fought over this for years until we just decided to compromise. I no longer bug her for sex and she guarantees a 2-3 times per week schedule. Less than I want. But more than she does.
I recommend that you put him in control (with the expectation of a minimum frequency). Since you’re ready to go 24/7, he’ll be more exited and willing if he can initiate the sexual encounters to fit his natural rhythms.
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August 22nd, 2011 at 10:31 am
Thanks I needed to hear that
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September 12th, 2011 at 12:24 am
I’m sure you’re right in everything you said in this article, but I have 2 observations:
1. yes, men do accept women for who they are, but did u ever think that it’s because the way women are built doesn’t affect men almost at all, but the way men are built affects women? for instance, if we just couldn’t stop staring at other men all the time, just like you can’t stop staring at women, how would it be? how would u feel?
2. don’t you, men, feel a little underdeveloped? since we have to understand things about you and we have to be the mature ones? for example, you said that for a guy, the relationship is sex and for a girl the relationship is, let’s say, talk about feelings & shit. why do we have to have sex first? why do YOU need to be assured that you have the relationship? it can also be the other way around: maybe we can’t have sex with you until we are assured we have a relationship, which means until we talk about stuff! anyway, I’m just saying
things should be equal, not like it is now: women have to understand everything and accept everything and men should do as they please…
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September 12th, 2011 at 12:27 am
because, you know, after all, you’re the ones chasing us, right? women can always find a guy, but you have to “work” in order to get a girl, so shouldn’t you show a little appreciation? but I guess you can act the way u do because we, women, are kinda stupid
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
September 12th, 2011 at 8:31 am
If you read my other articles about relationships you’ll see I cover that subject as well (men understanding women’s needs). However, this article is about one subject. How men think. I’m just spelling it out like it is.
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October 24th, 2011 at 3:16 pm
This is all a bunch of crap. No one should need porn to screw their significant other. If someone prefers masturbation to real sex they have mental health issues and need to be dumped immediately and you need to find a mature person who is ready for a real relationship!
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Straight Dope Dad Reply:
October 24th, 2011 at 3:29 pm
Did you actually read any of this or are you referring to Nicole and Jodi who really do have partners who choose masturbation over real sex. Not theoretical sex, but sex with their partner who is right in front of them and ready to go. That’s of course, a real problem. No ones suggesting that’s healthy.
But if you’re referring to the article then you misread it or simply don’t like to be told the truth. Masturbation is normal, healthy and a part of most, if not all, happy, loving relationships. I and everyone I know still masturbates and we are also good partners. One doesn’t preclude the other.
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November 4th, 2011 at 9:35 pm
Years ago I thought I knew my husband, but I guess I really didn’t. When first married we had sex once in a while, that went on for about 10 years.Then after that he just stopped sex and intimacy, he stated I was boring, prudish and not at all an interesting person That was 30 years ago. I get nothing no hugs, kisses no hand holding, to him I’m just another person in the world. I’ve tryed to explain I have needs and all he said was go find a boy or girl friend. I’ve been hurt, depressed and lonly for years.
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December 14th, 2011 at 10:36 am
u have realy awsum way of xplaining want 2 read al ur articles, im also concious dat my huby mastrbate its realy not a prob i gues and he luv me i knw but he like my loks my body hw i can knw ths
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January 26th, 2012 at 8:27 pm
I’m glad I found this page.
For the most part I see both the men and women responding as intelligent and caring.
Here’s a question thats been on my mind for a long time (ladies).
Why is it that women are so aggressive and open sexually early on in a relationship and then more reserved in time.
I’ve experienced this over the last 25 years (I’m 43) and through several healthy long term committed relationships.
It seems like at the point where possibly saying I love you comes into play that the freaky fun stuff starts to peter out.
I’ve been happily married now and with my wife for about 5 years.
At first anything was possible but I’m not sure if it’s that she thinks loving me means she cant ruin the sanctity by being wild and do I dare say slutty.
Please understand saying “slutty” is really just reinforcing what was stated above about what men want and meant with utmost respect to women.
Maybe I should say “free”…No,really I want a woman to be comfortable enough to go crazy.
And as a man that’s what turns me on.
Is coming off as wild and slutty a way of “hooking” a man.
And then women slowly regress to their normal libido and restrictions?
I will say in defense of women that I usually start relationships as much more of a back-massaging,date night,snuggle bunny.
Which I have to admit tapers off as well.
Is that why?
Does my wife think all I’m interested in any more is her boobs and not snuggling?
I truly believed when I made the commitment to marry my wife that I was committing to the trust that allows two people to really explore their sexuality and to go crazier then I could have with just a girlfriend.
But that doesn’t seem to be the case for both of us.
Next thing (bear with me).
My wife and I have 8 month old twins. I work days,she works nights.
We spend about 20 minutes a day together five days of the week and that’s usually juggling babies and getting instructions for the next shift.
So I have time and a need for porn.
I go out of my way to find internet porn of women that look like my wife and it’s almost always of women masturbating alone.
My wife is smoking hot to me and mostly I just straight up miss her and our sexual relationship.
I really don’t think too much about other women (unlike the list above).
But even this adds problems to my situation.
I start to want my wife to be that hot chick thats not intimidated and joyfully toying herself for me (with me).
My point…as much as porn is helping me satisfy a missing part of my sexuality. I’m also kind of expecting things from my wife that she isn’t.
I have tried to introduce porn into our relationship when it started feeling stale.
For me as a man I saw it as exciting and sexual,but more genuinely as a marital aid.
Thinking if only my wife could see how good that woman is giving a hand job or how sexy that woman agressively attacks that guy or exploring new position we hadn’t tried yet or just helping her see and understand how much pleasure all of those people are feeling by just letting go and getting…well,slutty.
But to no avail it has always been an awkward moment when we watch it together.
Ladies, relax. Get through the uncomfortable feelings you may have about porn.
Find a site with plenty of options and own it.
Don’t be afraid to say ,”no. I don’t like that one.Try another one”
It will be exciting for your man and a great way to introduce new ideas into your relationship.
‘Nuf said….Thanks.
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