Men and Sex – 7 Things Every Woman Should Know About How Their Boyfriend or Husband Thinks About Sex

Summary – Men like to watch porn, look at other women and judge the health of their relationships by the frequency and quality of the sex. This is how things are and it’s not going to change.

If a man had these  eight things to do in a day, this is how he would put them in order of importance. Copyright 2009 www.StraightDopeDad.com

If a man had these eight things to do in a day, this is how he would put them in order of importance. And honestly, everything after the time machine is purely optional.

I’m going to paint in broad strokes here. Every man is different but the odds are that most, if not all of these seven points, are fundamentally true for the man your are with right now. This is how your steak and potatoes philistine macho-man husband thinks. This how your artsy-fartsy feminist boyfriend thinks. This is how your brother, father, grandfather and every man you’ve ever come into contact with thinks.

Some women accept these facts of life easily. Some go through a mourning period when they finally realize, that yes, that even their wonderful, sensitive, caring husband is really, deep down inside, a pig.

1. Men Like to Look at Porn.

This is so obvious I’m surprised it needs mentioning. However, judging from Oprah, Dear Abby, and countless magazines and relationship columnists it apparently needs to be mentioned. I’m going to tell you something about men and porn that is so important, so profound, that I’ll write it in all caps, bold it and use italics…oh, and put it in red also:

THE FACT THAT YOUR MAN LOOKS AT PORN HAS NO RELATIONSHIP TO HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU, YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR HOW HAPPY OR SEXUALLY SATISFIED HE IS. ZIP. ZILTCH. NADA.

A man could be in the most amazing relationship, with the most beautiful woman in the world, and have mind-blowing sex every day, and he would still look at porn. This is just the way it is. A man looks at porn for two reasons. One, as a masturbatory aid. Masturbation as well as porn has no relationship to how sexually satisfied he is with you. It’s completely separate. Secondly, we enjoy it because it engages our most primitive instincts and lights up our brain. Men get the same charge out of porn as they do from watching YouTube videos of explosions, fights, and guys getting hit in the nuts. It never gets old.

So drop all the female centric opinions about porn and what it means if your man watches it. It means nothing and you can’t stop it anymore than you can stop the tides.

2. Men Look at Other Women and Have Sexual Thoughts About Them.

Again, this so obvious it’s hardly worth mentioning. Men look at other women. We can’t help it. It’s a reflex. We also have sexual thoughts about these women. Not complex thoughts like women do. These are extremely brief, primitive thoughts, lasting only milliseconds. They are rapid fire flashes of dreamlike imagery. We can’t control them or turn them off. The most maddening part is we get sexual thoughts about all women regardless of appropriateness or attraction. Relatives, teachers, and our best friend’s wife are included. Women we are extremely attracted to and ones that we are repulsed by are also included. Women we don’t find attractive are the most frustrating. If a man sees a woman he doesn’t like he’ll have brief flashes of thought about how he wouldn’t like to do her. About how unpleasant it would be to touch her. It is a curse and all men simply learn to disregard these images and thoughts. And you should too. They mean nothing.

3. Men Make Subtle Changes Throughout the Day to Increase Their Chances of Being Around Attractive Women.

Men like to be in the presence of attractive women. We get a kick out of it and it brightens our day. If we are in the grocery store, and there are three checkout lines of equal length, we will choose to wait in the line with the most attractive checker. If one of the checkers is especially attractive, but has the longest line, we will probably take it anyway if we don’t look too creepy doing it.

We don’t do this because we have allusions to getting lucky. We don’t expect it to go anywhere. We just get a kick out of being in the company of beautiful women. The more the better.

This means that we are attracted to most of our female friends. There are lots of women that would make suitable friends. However you can’t be friends with all them. Why not put your effort towards the ones you find most attractive? Initial sexual attraction has probably forged the majority of male/female friendships. It’s the extra push that get’s you engaged beyond the causal nod stage. There is nothing wrong with this and it’s totally innocent.

So if you are a female with lots of males friends, you probably have a lot of men who, under different circumstances, would most definitely like to have sex with you.

4. Men are Always Ready for Sex.

Is it OK to wake your man up to have sex? Always. Is it OK to initiate sex while he’s trying to eat lunch? You bet. How about when he’s lying in a hospital bed dieing from cancer. Yes, then too. Especially then because it’s nasty. Nasty is good. Forbidden is good. Unexpected is good. Sex is good anytime and always appreciated.

For women this sounds weird. They need to be “in the mood”. The conditions have to be just right. There’s a time and a place for everything. Getting to orgasm is like walking a tightrope.

Men are NOT like women. If they were, the human race would have died out a long time ago. On the most primitive and animalistic level it is our job to make sure the human race continues, at all cost. We are hard-wired to pursue and initiate. We get erections ridiculously easy and we come quickly. We don’t get distracted. In the modern world that means yes, we’re ready to go anytime, anywhere. So take advantage of it.

5. Your Man Thinks You’re Hot.

Do women ever feel they are attractive enough? You may be hard on yourself but your man isn’t. He’s into you big time. He likes to watch you dress and undress. He likes your lips, your body, your eyes and the way you smell. He will never tire of feeling your breasts, caressing your ass and watching you bend over. For a man, it’s like the first time, every time. However, deep down inside men are still amazed that anyone would want to have sex with them. And it’s not because we have low self-esteem. It’s because when straight men look at other men, all we see are awkward, lumbering goofs with bad manners and hairy bodies. Our first thought is “there’s no way anyone woman in their right mind, with any standards or pride, would have sex with that”. We simply just don’t get why you like us. And if we had to be born female, we’d prefer to be a lesbian. That’s just a given.

6. Men View Sex as a Relationship Requirement.

One of the main driving forces for a man to settle down is to secure access to frequent and reliable sex. Chasing sex is exhausting. By pairing up with a woman who can provide sex on a frequent basis, we’ve eliminated one of life’s biggest distractions and sources of frustration. Having access to frequent, and reliable sex allows us to focus on other things in life like getting a job or developing a hobby.

7. Men See Sexual Frequency as the Major Indicator as to How Well the Relationship is Going.

To a man, if the sex is good, the relationship is good. Period. Unfortunately, women are the opposite. They view good sex as an indicator that the relationship is good. It’s a result of a close, safe, caring bond with their man. It’s a by-product, and not a test of the relationship’s value. This is a subtle but profound difference. To a man, sex is the relationship. If there is no sex, there is no relationship. So if you expect your male partner to take the relationship seriously you better be having frequent sex.

Frequency varies from couple to couple and is usually a compromise between two competing desires, so there’s no point in defining here what constitutes “frequent”. That’s up to each couple. Since for men, sex is the relationship, you should have your relationship talks after having sex. He will be very responsive. This is because by having sex you just demonstrated to him that you have a relationship to begin with. To put it in caveman terms he’s thinking “she had sex with me, that mean she love me, me happy, me feel good, me now ready to talk.” Because for a man, if you’re not having sex, then there is no “relationship” to talk about.

Conclusion

This is not about good or bad, or right and wrong. This is about what is. You can choose to accept it or choose to fight it. Men have no problem accepting that women are different. That’s the whole point really. We don’t want you to be like a guy. Sure, we complain, but I have yet to talk to man who had any idea, no matter how fleeting, that he could change the woman in his life. It’s impossible. All men know this. It’s time for women to accept the same futility. You’ll be much happier, I promise.

If you think this is just a bunch of nonsense designed to put all the responsibility on women, that I’m letting men off the hook, then read my other article about what men need to accept and do if they expect to have a good sexual relationship.

That’s it for now.

File Under: What Women Should Know About Sex and Men – How Men Think About Sex – How a Man Feels About Sex and Relationships


367 Responses to “Men and Sex – 7 Things Every Woman Should Know About How Their Boyfriend or Husband Thinks About Sex”

  • Jodi Says:

    Ok so I just came across your article on a search and it was quite interesting and informative. Now I have a question that totally doesn’t match what you say. I want to have sex with my boyfriend and try massaging, touching and insinuating and offering lots of different things but he would rather please himself in the bath or shower. How can I get him to want sex again?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’d say you probably can’t. If a man is consistently choosing masturbation over real sex there is most likely something going on in his mind that has nothing to do with you or what you are doing. Obviously he can’t continue his behavior and also maintain his status as your boyfriend. They just aren’t compatible. Maybe he needs it explained that way, in no uncertain terms. If this is how he prefers his sex life then he really should find someone that also prefers it that way. It’s not a judgment on his preference, it’s just we all need to find a partner that is sexually compatible. Good luck.

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    kelsey Reply:

    i had a comment after reading your whole article and all the comments on this page. i think my original reply or post was taken down after you replied to it. (or i cant find it) i read your reply. so i have some things i would like for you,( strait dope dad )to read.

    i was the one who said i dont want a sex life tainted by porn. what i meant was that the majority of men in my generation have learned about sex through pornography. i know this through reasearching this issue and personal experience. when i said i had a problem with trying new things i should have been more specific. of course i like variety too as long as it does not involve my anus and uncomfortable porn style positions. anal sex seems to be a common place thing through out my peers. variety may be the spice of life but i still enjoy a lot of things needing no change. pizza is still my favorite dish. too many times have i wondered why men were doing akward positions in bed later to discover they were doing what they say in a porno. um … those positions are to capture as much visual not the best feeling sex. some men will know that this is just acting and not generally enjoyable for the women but some wont.
    just about all of porn on the internet is catered to men.
    what my point is if a lot of guys now days and even ones growing up right now are getting ideas about sex through porn. have you seen where a lot of these free porn sites are taking their material? a$$ to mouth double penetration in a$$ and vagina calling women names
    while doing this. down right abusive to my gender.
    mabe you can focus on your partner while making love dispite your porn use. you shouldn’t assume this is the norm. i think you are the exception. i dont care what you think you know about your guy friends sex lives. you’ve admitted that it is common for men to lie about their porn use due to it being taboo and a private activity.
    do you think someone is going to willingly tell you they are experiencing ed but can still get hard for porn? i would be embaressed if i was a man with this problem. most might not even know that their ed can be due to porn. guys dont think of ways porn can be harmful. if they think about it at all they only think of reasons that they should and have a right to it.
    i disagree with you that i must be choosing a certain kind of man. i mean really how the hell does a women find all men with problems with porn. these men could be anyone . which you’ve already admited you dont know a guy who hasnt used porn in some way or other.
    i told you i asked early on in my relationship if he used porn and said no. to which you replied that that is a personal question not unlike him asking me how many men i’ve slept with. i disagree because porn is and ongoing thing that can cause problems in relationships. right you are though that i should just asume he does because acording to you all men will look. studies show 50% of divorces occur with documentation that pornograghy in some form to be a contributing factor in the end of marriges.
    porn does influence . when i was becoming sexually active i found out that it was abnormal if i dont shave my vagina. i have gotten used to this fact and now regularly shave and feel that if i dont men wont like it. this trend no doubt came about through porograhgy. so i think this issue does apply differently to people
    who have started sexual maturity when the porn went rampant online. there are also plenty of older men caught up in too much porn and neglecting their partners as well.
    i just dont think you can say that mens porn use has nothing to do with how they feel about their relationship. i’ve read through many mens comments as to why they watch xxx in relationships and some say its hotter and better than actual sex, the girls are hotter , their girfriend wont do this stuff, they want a release
    without having to go through all the motions of turning their partner on, partner has put on weight and others. i think it does have some to do with how a man feels about their partner(for some).my only reason for saying this is because women need to be aware that its not always harmless if their guy is on porn sites. it can have indications of how he feels about the relationship.

    men are going to look at porn and their isnt anything that will change about that. i do beleive you on this one. on that note there will always be some women who it bothers that their partner feels the need to look at other naked women for sexual pleasure. maybe instead of telling us to just accept this fact maybe you can write an article on how. like how not to feel hurt when you discover your mans porn. im serious too because i don’t want to feel this way i want to feel confident and comfortable with my body and not wonder while i have sex if he is imagining other naked women to get off.

    if you can say men are wired for visual stimuli there for will look at porn no matter what than i can say some women are wired to feel threatend by their partner looking at othr naked women for sexual pleasure. you have no right to say i or anyone feeling this way has self esteem issues. porn has always been around some people say. well i have no problem with a playboy magaine. in fact if pornograghy showed both men and women equally i might even like it. i know i can do a search and find some milder stuff but my issue is about how mainstream hardcore porn is destructive.

    # 4 men are always up for sex. wake him up for sex? sure . um.. this is your opinion. lots of men work too much and are in fact too tired or stressed.
    #6 men view sex as a relationship requirement. don’t women also?

    im sorry for venting my frustration here but putting my feelings out there makes me feel somewhat better with the fact that i have to accept that every man i will ever be with will use porn . or is there no point in trying to get men to understand how this makes women upset?
    stumbling in accidently on my partner in the middle of online porn really hurt me. it felt no different than if he cheated. i know that its not the same but i still had an emotional reaction as if it was. i was going to see when he was coming to bed. i was longing for a connection he was gettin off. he hadnt been initiating and i thought mabe he just wasnt feeling it lately. yes i used to initiate too before you ask. i now feel
    too akward to initiate because if he isnt into it
    i will wonder if it is because he took care of himself. i made the mistake of trying to ask him the things i was afraid of but it did ireversable damage to our sex life.

    please dont tell me that i am overly sensitive to porn and masterbation when so many other women also feel this way. masterbation does not have to include porn. i recently read another article online at psycology today. it stated that the use of porn by one partner in a relationship leads to low self esteem for the non user.

    the only other way i can ever picture myself to not care about this is to never be in a serious relationship. its weird because it only bothers me when a guy looks at porn in a serious relationship. i want to feel that my man thinks im sexy and if i stumble on evidence of porn (i dont go looking) the very person i should be able
    to get reasurance from has now made me doubt myself. being a woman i’m constantly worried about my looks and aging(i am attractive). to know that my man is looking at women who are better looking while masterbating isn’t supposed to bother me??? or you say dont fight it try to accept but how? how when it goes against my very nature? aren’t you saying that it is in men’s nature to do this? so where is the compromise if it is in my nature to feel hurt? o that’s right because men will never change i have to.

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    Dawn Reply:

    I just wanted to say that I ur man cant give up the porn for you then he just doesn’t care. Porn has really my marriage. We stop sleeping in the same bed,stop holding each other because I felt like he just didn’t care or found me to get hot anymore. We have 4 kids and I told my man how it really makes me feel and of course hes know this for years. I just spoke freely from the heart and he ask me if it bother me and i said it makes me feel like you need to other women to turn you on. I said it made me feel like he just didn’t find me to be hot anymore. Im a b cup and have my baby scars lol…my kids our 6,4,2, and 4 months. He shocked me by saying that he was sorry and didn’t realize just how much it was hurting our relationship. He told me that if I gave him sex once a day then he would delete all his porn, mags, and give his movies away.The right man will care how it makes you feel. Im 27 and hes 28th we have been together since we were 14 and 15 years old.Thats 13 long years!!! Hes not willing to lose me or make me feel unattractive. So dont listen to all of these pigs(men) they say deal with it. I can honestly say that not all men need porn and not all men are jerks. Dont try to change ur point of view to please any man. They will give it up if they truely care for you. just so you know me and my hubby have only been with each other. Good luck. I hope taht you know that you are pretty.

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    So you had an honest discussion about porn and he agreed to give it up if you provide sex everyday, which is a huge promise considering you have four children under the age of six. I’m very happy for you and what you did is exactly what I’ve been saying all along. Couples need to get real out their needs, talk openly and honestly without shaming and blaming the other person, and then work on a plan. But to now claim that it’s bullshit than men have a desire to look at other women and watch porn when to get your man to give it up you had to promise sex everyday is not honest. To say he gave it up porn because he loves you is only one half of the equation. It’s the most important part of course, as change can only happen when two people are truly committed to each other, but the second part that involved you also changing your behavior cannot be understated. So in reality, you really did just “deal with it”, and you dealt with it by admitting that he had legitimate needs as well, and that you could both get what you want by both of you changing your behavior.

    Pam Reply:

    I agree, if he can’t give up he doesn’t care. I also asked my husband very early on in the relationship if he used porn. I grew up with a porn addicted father and I have seen the downside. He said no. I got pregnant with our first daughter and caught him while she was in the NICU. The hardest time of my life. Immediately after having her I got pregnant again. He promised me it was over and now that I was off bed rest it wouldn’t happen again. For the next 8 months I repeatedly caught him over and over again with the help of a keylogger. When my youngest daughter was born and in critical condition in the NICU I had to go stay with her. He had promised me it was done (the biggest problem was 1. we are christians and 2. he told me it was over and he hadn’t done anything since I was 24 weeks pregnant. Also we never had sex at all because he was exhausted after all his porn use. When I returned home unexpectedly I caught him again. This time I didn’t confront him until I had divorce papers and then I told his parents why I was leaving and taking the kids. They totally understood and said he should be showing more respect to his wife and setting a better example of a husband for his kids. This totally shocked him and it’s been hard and took some counseling but he has been porn free since then. We have keyloggers on everything (part of the counseling) and work blocks all those sites and social networking sites. At first he was angry that other people knew and that this was it. It was either going to end or he’d lose his family. But after a few months he actually thanked me. He said his dreams are different, his thoughts are different, and he is glad hes not a slave to it anymore. There aren’t anymore secrets or guilt to pull us apart. Our marriage is good now. Before anyone says I have low self esteem that’s bs. Everyone tells him he married up. After just a few months with back to back babies I was back to normal. I feel good about me but I wanted a real commitment and now I finally have one. Don’t accept anything less. You deserve it!!

    Karen Reply:

    Men just don’t get the porn thing. They just don’t get why it’s hurtful to women. What they don’t realize is that we are told our entire lives that our most important asset is our ability to be sexually attractive to men. So, naturally, it attacks the very core of what we are made to believe is our worth when we discover our husbands or boyfriends looking at porn! It’s the same concept as when men suffer low self-esteem when their wives make more money than they do! Men are made to believe that their worth depends on how successful they are, how much money they make, and how well they can provide for their spouse. I’m sure a man would feel threatened in the same way as women do about porn if some other dude all of a sudden started buying things for his wife or girlfriend. Suddenly his position as supporter is diminished. Someone else has taken on that role for a moment. And I bet your wife/girlfriend would have just as much trouble understanding why it hurts you. She would say, what’s the big deal? It makes me feel good and there’s no harm in it! So when a woman knows her SO is looking at porn her position as sexual arouser is threatened. Something else has taken her role. Get it guys?!?!?! Get it?!?!? C’mon. It’s not brain science. It’s psychology and sociology. Look at the messages society gives men and women about their roles.

  • Next Half Life Says:

    Jodi, try giving him a BJ in the morning while he’s still asleep. If he doesn’t wake up and give you a good fuck, then there’s definitely something terribly wrong (or just incompatible) with him. Good luck.
    .-= Next Half Life´s lastest blog ..Finding the right domain name =-.

    [Reply]

  • Sarah Tena Says:

    I have a couple questions for you. How do you think all this plays into a domestice violence relationship? I have virtually no interest in sex anymore at all and the thought of it can and often does upset me in numerous ways. And in male/female friendships, does the way a man talks to a women mean anything? For example: I have two male friends I’ve been friends with since high school, only one I talk to at all these days, and he just never seems to have much to say at all, on the phone or in email. It’s like 5 or 10 minutes of “hey, what’s up with you?” and then he has to go. I just don’t feel like he wants to continue the friendship. I feel so needy because I want more from our conversations, or am I just looking in the wrong place? Can you shed any light for me? Thanks, great blog-as always.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    As for domestic violence that’s kind of another situation. If a guy is beating on his partner he has a whole layer of addition problems that interact with basic male sexuality in unfortunate ways. Where as a normal guy can just enjoy an attractive woman’s presence or accept the fact that his female friend is just not interested in him the same way, a guy who’s wired for violence is going to interpret the same situation much differently. There’s all sorts of issues involving control, anger and self esteem that can lead to a dangerous situation. Basically, abusers can’t manage normal social situations like the rest of us.

    Now about your guy friend. If a guy doesn’t make an effort to engage with you then he’s just not that interested. I think women are the same way, but since women are more social and accommodating by nature it’s not as obvious when a women’s not interested. For men it’s pretty easy to tell as they don’t put any effort into anything they’re not interested in.

    [Reply]

    Sarah Tena Reply:

    Thanks, that helps. I’m having an emotional night as I’m sure you could tell. Sorry to dump on you.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Not a problem. Glad you enjoyed my blog.

  • Elly Says:

    This was very enjoyable to read and very true! I’m 43 and my guy is 23. I was initially worried about age, my body, his level of interest, him wanting a younger woman, was he just after sex and all the other nonsense. Well no worries here. I have relaxed my boundaries, listened to his words and pay attention to his actions and realized that he is who he is…he is a wonderfully uncomplicated male! If he like porn so what. If he looks at other women so what. If he has female friends so what. He comes home to me and no one else, its my body and mind he wants and appreciates and no one elses, its me he wants to satisfy and no one else. He tells his female friends about me and asks for suggestions about how to please me! He in return gets no judgements, his space and man time with his buds. Why didn’t I catch onto to this when I was younger?!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Sounds like you scored! I’m glad you enjoyed the post.

    [Reply]

  • Nicole Says:

    So if men are constantly with their sexual radars on, how can they ever find the one they are with sexiually attractive or even fall in love at all? Don’t they believe in being faithful in mind too?. So how can we ever even go out to a public place and wonder if all he’s doing is filling up his mental rolodex to masterbate later?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    You brought up two questions so I’ll answer them in order.

    How do we fall in love? The same way women do. Men don’t confuse the real thing with superficial primitive reactions to an attractive woman. And the ones that do confuse the two have a long string of failed relations behind them to show for it. All my male friends are completely devoted to their spouses and children yet we all check out other woman and have opinions on them one way or another. We have no problem understanding it’s meaningless and it has no bearing on how we feel about our partners.

    How can you can you go out and not wonder if he’s not checking out other women? You can’t. He’s going to do it. The mature one’s do it discretely, the immature guys tend to gawk.

    Beside the gawking, which is disrespectful to your partner, why should it matter what he’s thinking privately? What counts are actions. So if being mentally faithful means only having sexual thoughts or attractions to their partner and none for other women, then no, a man cannot be faithful. If being mentally faithful means devoting his life to you, then yes, a man can easily be faithful.

    You can look at this. Which is more impressive:

    1. A man with a healthy libido, who has attractions for other women, yet is still completely devoted to you.

    or

    2. A eunuch who is unable to feel any attractions to other women, no matter how fleeting and superficial, but who’s completely devoted to you.

    At the end of the day, I’d rather know my partner has/had many options to choose from but chose, and continues to choose me, every single day.

    To me, that’s true faithfullness.

    [Reply]

    Nicole Reply:

    thanks for your reply. I just found it hard hear my boyfriend tell me he has his “private” moments with images he said are fleeting of past women etc. But the problem is he said he NEVER once had me in his fantasies. And this is AFTER he told me he never thought of other women and loves me only. He said thoughts of other women didn’t include the images that pop in his head. and no, we don’t have sex hardly at all because by the time he gets to see me, he is all juiced out. It hurts to think that at his age of 55 he can claim to have E/D but can still materbate to other women and not me.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Ahhh. Well that’s a different story. He’s choosing masturbation over real intimacy which is a real problem. I don’t think he’s being honest with himself or you. Could be any number of internal issues that is causing him to prefer masturbation but I bet good money it has nothing to do with you.

  • Linda Says:

    My boyfriend tells me he doesn’t think of me when he masterbates, but of other women. I felt so crappy about this. Does this mean that they arre sexier to be able to turn him on more than me in his mind? He said he doesn’t ever fantasize about me because there is emotional ties, is this a lie he told me? If these women are past lovers or random women, how can he possibly not think I should be upset? and then he can face me when he sees me without any guilt? Please explain this because you say it as it is.
    Linda

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I also masturbate to images of other women but I prefer video or the written word. I don’t use images of my partner to masturbate to. However, when we (my partner and I) are having sex, I don’t fantasize about anyone, including her, because I’m doing exactly what I would normally fantasize about…which is having sex. The experience is so intense and wonderful I don’t know how anyone can think of anything else when “doing it”. So with sex, I’m 100% present and focused on my partner. When masturbating I prefer images of mythical women I have no connection to. I suspect this is very common. So yes, as long as the sex is good and he’s a good partner in life, I’d say what he is saying is true for him and unrelated to how he feels about you.

    It’s important to keep in mind, that for a mentally healthy male, masturbation is a release. It’s not a substitute for intimacy and definitely not sex. It’s like scratching a really bad itch. When a guy has a dramatic rise in sexual energy that doesn’t get released it interferes with his ability to concentrate. Sometimes you just need to jerk off so you can get some work done. It’s really that simple. It’s not a coincidence that all of the euphemisms around masturbation involve a degrading physical pun of some sort: Choking the Chicken, Wanking, Spanking the Monkey, Beating the Bishop, Rub One Out/Off, Beat Your Meat, Greasing/Flushing the Pipes, etc. This should give you a good idea of how guys think about masturbation. It’s a primitive physical act devoid of romance or feelings. You do it because you have to.

    [Reply]

  • Nikki Says:

    My boyfriend and I have a really great relationship and I know he’s faithful, but I am still having trouble with the porn thing. So, two questions for you:

    1. I am in my twenties and my boyfriend is about ten years older than me. He’s perfectly fine with commenting on the attractiveness of other women to me, but I am not comfortable with this, or conversely with pointing out attractive men to him. I am also not comfortable with him watching/ looking at porn, though I understand that is a losing battle. Could it be because of my age that my jealousy and suspicion is so easily awoken?
    2. He often will look for my reaction when mentioning porn or other attractive women, and when I act unhappy he gets all upset. How does he EXPECT me to react?

    Thanks

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Watching porn in your private time is not disrespectful, nor is discretely checking out other women. I do both and my partner is completely aware of this reality. I’m also very hot for my partner and I’m not shy about expressing that truth. But the comments about other women and goading you with comments about porn when he knows it upsets you is childish and not acceptable. He needs to knock it off.

    If I encounter a women who’s particularly attractive to my tastes, and I stare too long, my partner will give me a quick “ok that’s enough” and I’ll immediately snap out of it and bring my attention back to us. It’s disrespectful, but occasionally I slip and she may point it out. I then correct my behavior right way and that’s the end of it.

    You’re boyfriend needs to man up and stop acting live a passive aggressive child. He teases because he isn’t getting his way. It’s pathetic and unattractive. Definitely not a turn on and it will slowly chip away at your desire to fuck him no matter how great he is otherwise or how much you love him. And that’s the hard truth.

    Show him this post. I understand his desires. I’m not a new age wimp. I look at porn and other women, but I keep in check and never use it as a weapon. That is not what a loving partner does.

    As for the insecurities and being in your twenties part, yes that is a contributing factor. You’ll get better at handling the porn thing in your 30′s. Same with looking at other women. But no woman, at any age, should have to just put up with the teasing and disrespect. That is not age related. If fact, you’ll be even more assertive when you’re in your 30′s and 40′s when it comes to how you are treated and how your needs are met.

    If he’s all pouty about it now, just wait another 10 years when you really put your foot down and rip him a new one. He’ll long for the days when you just rolled with the punches. Also when you’re older you’ll be more relaxed about the stuff that really doesn’t matter, but more focuses on the things that do. So you’ll be easy on your man over all but you’ll have zero tolerance for the stuff that does matter. And Hopefully that list will be short.

    [Reply]

    Ebony Reply:

    So let me get this straight… because he has a penis between his legs, we women have to deal with the bullshit that comes with it. No! And I’m tired of men trying to shove it down my throat. I don’t know of many men that could tolerate their woman staring at men or watching dicks 24/7, yet you expect us to be okay with it.

    Here’s a thought… grow the hell up! I can’t continue to sit by quietly and let me continuously tell women that it’s wrong for them to get upset over porn or women watching. It’s about respect. If you can’t take your woman dick watching or downloading every penis larger than yours on her phone – how dare you ask us to do the same.

    I think the “he’s a man – he’s going to do that” excuse is played out. Time to grow up men.

    And by the way… I’m in my 30′s and I still don’t deal with the shit.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    You say it like men don’t have to put up with women’s childish shit as well. I don’t know a single man who doesn’t bend over backwards every day just to keep his partner happy. Much of the stuff we accept and roll with we actually feel is straight up stupid, misguided and childish. But we know that it comes with the territory. I’m tired of women thinking they are the only ones who compromise. The expression “happy wife, happy life” didn’t come out of thin air. You’ll notice there is no female equivalent to that expression either. That’s because men are just supposed to put up or shut up. Our needs are largely dismissed. I know, because it’s a regular area of discussion when we are surfing. Most men cannot even dress their own children without their wife overriding their decisions or putting in their two cents. This goes for how the house is decorated, feeding the kids, just about everything that involves the children or family. Women tend to feel that they have a right to vocalize their opinion on everything and that there is a right way to do everything and that way is generally theirs. Yes that’s a blanket statement, but it’s accurate to most relationships. So stop with the martyr stuff, men have to put up with just as much shit from women as well. We’re just better at accepting that than women are. And I think this goes to the heart of how men deal with each other. We don’t poke and prod into other guys lives. We give each other a lot of space and the benefit of the doubt. We also know that we better watch our mouth or someone’s going to punch us. You learn that really early on. Women on the other hand grow up getting right into each other’s business. They ask a lot of questions. They expect answers.The run by stuff with their other friends, from relationships, to choice of schools, to what clothes to wear. So they don’t respect personal boundaries – your business is their business. Men don’t do this. We’ll watch our friend walk right off a cliff if he seems like he knows what he’s doing. So men put up with a lot of stuff but women don’t notice because we just deal with it. Just like we do with our friends. We fully understand that life isn’t fair, that sometimes you just suck it up and take it, and if you push too far you’ll get your ass kicked. I’ve never heard a guy say “it’s not fair” unless they are making a joke. However, women say this all the time and they are serious. So since women don’t see the compromises men make they assume they are the only one’s making them.

  • Linda Says:

    I really have a hard time understanding how can a man claim to be in love and yet he will pleasure himself to mental images of others. I have no interest at all in anyone else but my partner. I’m truly in love with him and find him physically perfect hence my fantasies ALL involve him as the main star. Please explain this more so I no longer feel my partner doesn’t love me at all.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I think I explained it pretty well in your first comment. If you insist on treating your boyfriend as if he’s a woman you will never feel relaxed. He is a man and thinks like a man. In some ways it’s good that he masturbates to images of other women. He’s making it clear that he put’s your relationship in a category that is far more special than anonymous fantasy women that he jerks off to. You should be taking it as compliment, but instead you want to compete with porn stars for his masturbatory fantasies. You can’t win this one and you need to focus on what’s really important.

    [Reply]

    Dawn Reply:

    Dont listen to this dick head. Match him look at tons of porn, check out everyman that walks by….give him a taste of what we feel. Its not okaty this women wont put up with it. lets be honest most men do this and say that its their way of getting to cheat.lol…..most men do cheat and porn is the gate way. Be open with your man make him understand if he cares for you he will listen my man took all his porn and gave it away. Were married been together for 15 years. He just did this because he cares about how it makes me feel about my body.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s only part of the reason. You made a deal with him. I’ll provide sex every day if you give up the porn. I think most men would take that offer. Yes, he cares, but he had needs that weren’t being fulfilled and he only gave up the porn when you made it clear you would provide for those needs. So in reality you proved my original point. And no, most men don’t cheat unless you count every sexual thought that isn’t 100% focused on your partner cheating.

  • Mike Says:

    I have to disagree with some the above statements.
    Number 4 I totally disagree with all men are ready for sex. In our 40 plus years of marriage we have only had sex about 25 or 30 times. First 15 years very little, second 25 none at all. I’m very happy with out sex, love or intimacy. The wife and I are just friends. I don’t like being touched any where on my body. I just makes me creepy all over. My doctor is the only one that touchs me and hes the only one that fixed me. I didn’t want kids and I’m glad. Now on the other hand my wife has been lonely, depressed and starved of sex. I made sure got her pills to calm her down. And further more I’m not interested in her feelings. As far as i’m concered she can go else where to take care of her needs.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’m not sure if I should leave your comment. You are either spinning a wild tale or you are completely mentally ill. It’s one thing to be asexual and touch phobic but you claim that you and your wife are friends yet you don’t care about her feelings or that she is miserable. So you are eihter make up a story or you really are more or less a sociopath. I’ll leave this for now but I may delete it later. I just don’t completely buy your story.

    [Reply]

    Mife Reply:

    I’m chimming back in!
    Story is true the wife and I are just friends. Our house is split up like an appartment she has the upstairs and I have the downstairs. We come and go without bothering each other. She has her friends, and pretty much don’t bother with friends or the world in general. I’m now retired and rather work in my shop or on my car. And whether or not you buy my story is your option. I just enjoy being by my self.

    [Reply]

  • Linda Says:

    Thank again. I guess I couldn’t accept his fantasy world not including me. I couldn’t accept that he loved me and was turned on by me, because if he was I would have been in his fantasy. So I broke it off completely and I really don’t care that he’s hurting, wanting to die and all the crap. I have to look at for my own mental health and that thought of him finding other women sexually more exciting (has to be the reason he fantasizes about them), was more than I could stand.

    I will never believe that a man can be truly in love and still think of others. If your partner excites you than she would be in your fantasies too. Not prettier women with better bodies and faces etc.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Good luck. Hopefully the next guy will know ahead of time to lie to you and tell you what you want to hear. I’m really serious on this one. ALL of my guys friends adore their wives and are great partners and fathers but they look at porn.I have never met another guy who is not like that. Some just hide it better than others or just learn to lie about it if it will get them in trouble. Maybe you’ll find that one magic guy who will match your expectations but be aware that the odds are really, really low.

    [Reply]

    Denise Reply:

    Wow, that is sick! You are saying that ALL men are never truly satisfied with their partner! Incredible, then you are right in the fact that we want to make them into women! I agree with Linda. If I felt the way men do I would never be in a monogomous relationship, b/c I would want to live out my fantasies! When I masterbate I think about my husband, he turns me on that is why I married him! I love sex and do crazy things with my husband as often as possible, so “yes” I feel he should be so, satisfied that there is no need for all that other bullshit. If he needs relief 6xs a day then I am game and have done so and will anytime he needs. this is why I don’t agree that it is not cheating if he is finding a private place to look at Porn and masterbating, that is cheating (we have been through this and all though thought it was resolved according to you it is not he is just hiding it better!). I totally agree though, if the partner is not putting out then Yes, he needs relief and should get it however he can, sex is very important in a relationship!!! Porn is very harmful and it is cheating, it is men like you who wanted all of society to believe this is normal and with all your campaigning look where you have gotten us….Sex is no longer intimate and monogomous it has become a smorgishborg of fantasies and unending appetite free for all!
    You should stop hiding in your relationship and go live the life that you really are wanting. That is what fantasies are, aren’t they our secret wants and desires that we are too scared to live out or share?????

    [Reply]

    Roxana Reply:

    Denise I agree with you… But I also think that the OP might still be one of those few ‘competent’ men who can strike a balance between self-pleasure and intimacy with partner! I think in all his replies he emphasised that whatever one is up to, they have to have enough in the bag ( love, sex, time, patience etc) for the relationship as well. I think the problem lies with too many men not even attempting to strike this balance.. In that way, yes I agree with you, porn is like cheating.. cheating the partner on intimacy and physical connection.. not being there. WHilst in the past I turned a blind eye for the porn, since hubby has quit it and we’re having a MAGICAL time, I’m thinking, how sad it was before to put up with this kind of neglect!!!! Everyone deserves better..

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’m really happy for you Roxana. As you pointed out, I never advocated that guys should just do what ever they want and their partners happiness be damned. I’m just describing the way things are because if you don’t understand they way things are you can’t change them if you chose to. Both you and your partner are having great success because you both got past the blame and shame and just dealt with it. Once you strip porn and masturbation of all its taboos and shame it’s not a complicated thing to address. Nothing is really. Doesn’t matter if it’s food, money, jobs, in-laws, children – anything really. It only becomes difficult when one or more people in the situation fall back into blame and shame and defending their position.

    I get the exact same reactions to this article as I do from this article (http://www.straightdopedad.com/get-more-sex-from-your-wife-or-partner-starting-now/) The difference being instead of woman saying men that are infantile pigs and I’m just justifying their behavior, I got men telling me that women are cruel manipulators that use sex as a weapon and I’ve been duped into their propaganda machine. In both instances the strong reactions are coming from a place of denial and resentment.

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    If I lived out all my fantasies I’d be in prison or on death row. Who hasn’t fantasized about killing someone who just deserved it 100% and is making your life miserable? Who hasn’t fantasized about ramming your car into an asshole? Fantasies aren’t real. That’s why we don’t throw people in jail for thinking about committing a crime. They have to actually plan it out and make a serious attempt first. This idea that thoughts and actions are equal is a uniquely female concept. I’ve never met a guy that confuses the two. Perhaps it’s because we have fantasies and images and impulses that are destructive and harmful all the time but we learn to dismiss them for what they are- primitive, automatic and driven by our lowest impulses. And by lowest I mean from the base of our brain, the reptilian flight or fight response area.

    You may find it sick but I’m describing how thing are. Both men and women need to get real and honest about this stuff. Criticizing men for not being women is absurd. And when you say “I behave and think this way, so why can’t you behave and think this way too?” that is exactly what you are doing.

    If I told you I think Jim Carrey is funny so therefor you should also find Jim Carrey funny, you’d dismiss that as being ridiculous. But what you’re saying is exactly the same thing. You’re taking something that is as deep and personal and subjective is sexual turns-ons, sexual impulses and sexual fantasies and declaring anything that deviates from your personal preferences as being wrong. All the finger pointing and insults drive the issues deeper. And natural and healthy impulses and desires that are driven underground or suppressed because society frowns upon them, always manifests itself in extreme and unhealthy ways.

    So we can be open on honest about this or we can berate and ridicule and drive it underground. We can pretend that in the past relationships and sex were intimate and monogamous or admit that that’s a lie and holding on to that lie blinds us to what is. I prefer to deal what what is.

    Do some men take it to far? Yes. Just as some women neglect their partners by focusing only on their children. Some people drink too much while some can have a glass of wine without issues their entire life. This is how it is. And if you read through the comments you’ll notice a distinct difference in outcome depending if the couple is willing to be open and honest and accept reality or if they prefer to go the blame, shame and denial route. The blame and shame deepens the problem, the ones who face it head on without bringing blame and shame into the situation see results.

    My partner and I have been together for 24 years. Our sex life is awesome and emotional intimacy is very high. But we work on it all the time and we honor each others quirks and way of being. The other person in no lesser of a human being because they don’t act as a mirror image of their own preferences, beliefs and desires. She knows I’m not her and is at peace with it. I know she’s not like me and we’re a stronger couple because of these differences.

  • leslie Says:

    best advice I have seen given on porn….its hard for women to seperate emotions from sex—not so with men…you gotta love them, can’t live without them and men hold up half the world.
    Acceptance of how men think will only strengthen the confidence of a woman—and can be alot of fun!

    [Reply]

  • Theresa Says:

    Interesting read. R u on facebook? It’s easier for me to follow u from there- to read your blogs. Thanks, T

    [Reply]

  • Amy Says:

    Above it was mentioned men are always ready for sex, YA RIGHT !! My husband is not interested in any intimacy or sex. The last time he might have been interested in sex was 30 years ago. That was the last time we had sex I think it might have been longer. Really the only thing he is interested in is his shop and car. Years ago he moved all his things down stairs where hes built a small apartment. We comunicate by sticky notes stuck on his door. The only reason were together is we have no family or real friends. At first I missed sex but in time as they say if you don’t use you lose it. That is so true !!

    [Reply]

    Becki Reply:

    Your husband has commented on this as well.

    [Reply]

  • Anita Says:

    As a woman, I can attest to the fact that MY SEXUAL needs come FIRST.

    I am also a very “visual” person. And the variety provided by porn is awesome. My significant other is not a part of my “fantasy” life either.

    I think as women, we still have that edge concerning sex.

    What I mean is that we have a better chance of actually fufilling our masturbatory porn fantasies than men do. If we choose too.

    Porn is not for men only.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Your comment about women having a better chance of fulfilling their masturbatory fantasies is so true. This is why women have almost no anxiety around sex. They can simply get anything they want 24/7. When I tell this to women, most will say that’s not true. And then go on and on about how hard it is to find just the right guy – which is not the point. The point is, fulfillment of any sexual fantasy or desire is but a few hours way for a woman, ANY woman, and will require zero effort, and definitely no financial commitment. Seriously, just post what you want on Craigslist or any dating site and watch your inbox overflow within minutes. Or walk into a bar and announce what you are looking for and watch the line form. The only men who enjoy this same access are gay men, who of course are looking for men. Straight men don’t have this access to fulfillment.

    [Reply]

  • Kat Says:

    My question is how can u get my husband to have more sex.. We currently have sex once a day and sometimes if im lucky twice. I feel like the man in the relationship and he’s the woman. I would love to have sex 3 times a day to be satisfied but I feel like I am begging to get it even once sometimes. We have been fighting more than usual but I feel that is NO reason to NOT have sex! He says that he can’t have sex if we are arguing. I even told him he shouldnt be holding out on sex just bc we are arguing and he says that he’s not holding out he can’t get in the mood if things aren’t right with us. My question is should I back off? I don’t want to turn him off but now I had to watch porn to get off when he won’t give me any and I feel like this whole situation is a huge role reversal and its driving me crazy!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Wow. Once a day is a pretty full schedule, even for a guy. Three times a day is not realistic. A woman has a much greater physiological disposition for multiple orgasms than a man does. Every time a man comes it’s a big deal. Our systems need time to recover, especially as we age. Most likely he wouldn’t be able to keep up with your ideal of three times per day even if he wanted too. He’ll just be too sore and drained after a while. He’ll basically start having dry orgasms (orgasms without ejaculate or very little ejaculate) and those are no fun. Ever see porn where it’s time for the guy to get off, and after he jerks himself off for like three minutes, a tiny dribble comes out? It’s because he probably came twice already but they needed more footage, or they screwed up the money shot and needed to re shoot.

    I agree with the arguing part. My partner and I will still have sex when we’ve been fighting, but it’s a turn off for both of us and we need some cool off period first.

    And truthfully, it’s a good sign that he’s turned off sexually if things aren’t right between you to. That means he’s a decent guy who won’t abuse you.

    So yes, back off, take the focus off performance and how many times a day and just be a friendly affectionate couple. The frequency will go back up naturally. Although don’t count on three times a day. You two will just have to work out a compromise on this. He’ll learn that he needs to do it a little more than is natural for him, and you’ll have to do it a bit less than is natural for you.

    My partner and I fought over this for years until we just decided to compromise. I no longer bug her for sex and she guarantees a 2-3 times per week schedule. Less than I want. But more than she does.

    I recommend that you put him in control (with the expectation of a minimum frequency). Since you’re ready to go 24/7, he’ll be more exited and willing if he can initiate the sexual encounters to fit his natural rhythms.

    [Reply]

  • Kat Says:

    Thanks I needed to hear that :)

    [Reply]

  • Alex Says:

    I’m sure you’re right in everything you said in this article, but I have 2 observations:

    1. yes, men do accept women for who they are, but did u ever think that it’s because the way women are built doesn’t affect men almost at all, but the way men are built affects women? for instance, if we just couldn’t stop staring at other men all the time, just like you can’t stop staring at women, how would it be? how would u feel?

    2. don’t you, men, feel a little underdeveloped? since we have to understand things about you and we have to be the mature ones? for example, you said that for a guy, the relationship is sex and for a girl the relationship is, let’s say, talk about feelings & shit. why do we have to have sex first? why do YOU need to be assured that you have the relationship? it can also be the other way around: maybe we can’t have sex with you until we are assured we have a relationship, which means until we talk about stuff! anyway, I’m just saying :) things should be equal, not like it is now: women have to understand everything and accept everything and men should do as they please…

    [Reply]

    Erien Reply:

    Yea. That was what I was thinking as well. =/
    It kinda feels like the female species has evolved and develop more than the male species..~ And that females have put an effort in doing so. Males on the other hand just puts the blame on biological built?

    [Reply]

    Erien Reply:

    Haha, I can’t believe I read through all the comments. Well, I stumbled upon this site to understand why guys like porn.

    But really if there’s no helping it, I’ll just try my best to think that its kinda like a disease and that they have to do it not because they WANT to but because they HAVE to. =/
    *facepalm*..thats the best I can come up with as of now to understand..

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Whatever helps you accept the fact that guys will never stop looking at other women and watching porn, then it’s all good. Men have long ago accepted the fact that women are just the way they and it’s time for women to do the same rather than drive them selves crazy wondering why their man can’t really just be a woman with a penis.

    All my male friends tip toe around our female partners just trying to keep them happy because we know it’s hopeless to try and change them. So we just adapt to their moods and whims even though many times we think there are being utterly ridiculous. But that’s what you do in a relationship.

  • Alex Says:

    because, you know, after all, you’re the ones chasing us, right? women can always find a guy, but you have to “work” in order to get a girl, so shouldn’t you show a little appreciation? but I guess you can act the way u do because we, women, are kinda stupid

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    If you read my other articles about relationships you’ll see I cover that subject as well (men understanding women’s needs). However, this article is about one subject. How men think. I’m just spelling it out like it is.

    [Reply]

  • Sophie Marie Says:

    This is all a bunch of crap. No one should need porn to screw their significant other. If someone prefers masturbation to real sex they have mental health issues and need to be dumped immediately and you need to find a mature person who is ready for a real relationship!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Did you actually read any of this or are you referring to Nicole and Jodi who really do have partners who choose masturbation over real sex. Not theoretical sex, but sex with their partner who is right in front of them and ready to go. That’s of course, a real problem. No ones suggesting that’s healthy.

    But if you’re referring to the article then you misread it or simply don’t like to be told the truth. Masturbation is normal, healthy and a part of most, if not all, happy, loving relationships. I and everyone I know still masturbates and we are also good partners. One doesn’t preclude the other.

    [Reply]

  • Anna Says:

    Years ago I thought I knew my husband, but I guess I really didn’t. When first married we had sex once in a while, that went on for about 10 years.Then after that he just stopped sex and intimacy, he stated I was boring, prudish and not at all an interesting person That was 30 years ago. I get nothing no hugs, kisses no hand holding, to him I’m just another person in the world. I’ve tryed to explain I have needs and all he said was go find a boy or girl friend. I’ve been hurt, depressed and lonly for years.

    [Reply]

  • mav Says:

    u have realy awsum way of xplaining want 2 read al ur articles, im also concious dat my huby mastrbate its realy not a prob i gues and he luv me i knw but he like my loks my body hw i can knw ths

    [Reply]

  • Chad Says:

    I’m glad I found this page.
    For the most part I see both the men and women responding as intelligent and caring.
    Here’s a question thats been on my mind for a long time (ladies).
    Why is it that women are so aggressive and open sexually early on in a relationship and then more reserved in time.
    I’ve experienced this over the last 25 years (I’m 43) and through several healthy long term committed relationships.
    It seems like at the point where possibly saying I love you comes into play that the freaky fun stuff starts to peter out.
    I’ve been happily married now and with my wife for about 5 years.
    At first anything was possible but I’m not sure if it’s that she thinks loving me means she cant ruin the sanctity by being wild and do I dare say slutty.
    Please understand saying “slutty” is really just reinforcing what was stated above about what men want and meant with utmost respect to women.
    Maybe I should say “free”…No,really I want a woman to be comfortable enough to go crazy.
    And as a man that’s what turns me on.
    Is coming off as wild and slutty a way of “hooking” a man.
    And then women slowly regress to their normal libido and restrictions?
    I will say in defense of women that I usually start relationships as much more of a back-massaging,date night,snuggle bunny.
    Which I have to admit tapers off as well.
    Is that why?
    Does my wife think all I’m interested in any more is her boobs and not snuggling?
    I truly believed when I made the commitment to marry my wife that I was committing to the trust that allows two people to really explore their sexuality and to go crazier then I could have with just a girlfriend.
    But that doesn’t seem to be the case for both of us.

    Next thing (bear with me).
    My wife and I have 8 month old twins. I work days,she works nights.
    We spend about 20 minutes a day together five days of the week and that’s usually juggling babies and getting instructions for the next shift.
    So I have time and a need for porn.
    I go out of my way to find internet porn of women that look like my wife and it’s almost always of women masturbating alone.
    My wife is smoking hot to me and mostly I just straight up miss her and our sexual relationship.
    I really don’t think too much about other women (unlike the list above).
    But even this adds problems to my situation.
    I start to want my wife to be that hot chick thats not intimidated and joyfully toying herself for me (with me).
    My point…as much as porn is helping me satisfy a missing part of my sexuality. I’m also kind of expecting things from my wife that she isn’t.
    I have tried to introduce porn into our relationship when it started feeling stale.
    For me as a man I saw it as exciting and sexual,but more genuinely as a marital aid.
    Thinking if only my wife could see how good that woman is giving a hand job or how sexy that woman agressively attacks that guy or exploring new position we hadn’t tried yet or just helping her see and understand how much pleasure all of those people are feeling by just letting go and getting…well,slutty.
    But to no avail it has always been an awkward moment when we watch it together.

    Ladies, relax. Get through the uncomfortable feelings you may have about porn.
    Find a site with plenty of options and own it.
    Don’t be afraid to say ,”no. I don’t like that one.Try another one”
    It will be exciting for your man and a great way to introduce new ideas into your relationship.
    ‘Nuf said….Thanks.

    [Reply]

    Heather Reply:

    What do you do when the roles are reversed. My partner and I have been together 20 years. Sex has always been good. I did 15 years ago have an issue with porn because I felt as though he preferred that to me, which he always told me was not true. I love to look at porn too. I would choose to have sex with my partner everytime over being alone however busy schedules there just is not enough time to have sex everyday esp. with children. Recently he seems completely disinterested in sex. I thought maybe it was just he is 40 now thing. Then I find out he looks at porn everyday, sometimes several times. We have sex on average 1.5 times a week and half of that time he cant perform. He says 50% is good odds. When you have sex 6 times in a month I dont consider it good odds. He loves me and likes to do all the other domestic things together but tells me he is bored and I cant really expect him to be attracted to me after 20 years. He even recommend I go find a boy toy to meet my needs. This however is slippery slope when you are in a committed relationship. Why do men want there partner to be there while they go out and get pleasured by someone else???? It cant be because I let myself go, recently I really have gotten into working out and have lost like 50 pounds. Sex was never an issue before but is now. I dont get it.

    In your situation take the pressure off. Plan time away with out kids and resposiblity. Sometimes for women it is hard to separate being a mom from a sexy wife. Also find out what pleasures her sexually. Most women dont get the same pleasure from sex that men do. Some women it is about touching each other and being close. Talk to her let her know how much you love her. How hot you think she is and seriously plan a kid free night. A night where you dont have to worry about if the kids are cared for appropriately. It is hard to be a busy mom and still feel like a sexy lady.

    [Reply]

    Woman101 Reply:

    Imagine carrying 2 little people inside of you for 9 months? Then you’ve got 8 months of having the babies around? It doesn’t seem like there’s a sex problem in your relationship but only that your wife is now a mother to twins. You’re married 5 years, almost 2 of which you’ve been dealing with babies. It’s not easy, it takes time.

    But I’m more worried about your comment about showing your wife porn so she can see “people having fun.” That’s like the worst thing you can do! That’s saying, “honey, you’re not good enough, I want that woman over there in the video.” You’re probably destroying your wife’s self-esteem! You want her to see “how sexy that woman agressively attacks that guy”? That’s saying that the woman in the video is sexy and your wife is not.

    Give your wife a break, she had twins for crying out loud. I wish men could just live through 1 month of a woman’s menstrual cycle so they could understand the tip of the tip of the iceberg.

    [Reply]

  • Sally Says:

    My boyfriend is 49 and I am 44. We have been together for 2 years now, and I moved in after a year. Sex has dwindled into nothing, unless I feel like I have to throw a fit, cry, or beg for it. I would compromise with him for once a week, he agreed to that, but then he always has an excuse (tired, stressed, ill, etc). I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t changed in appearance and he SAYS it’s not me, that he just doesn’t think about sex. He says he will go to the Dr. and get his T checked, but never does. This is really hurting me and my self-esteem. I want a lover, not a roommate. I don’t know what to do anymore.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Well, the way I see it there’s no reason for him to change. He gets exactly what he wants with any obligations or consequences. Begging, pestering, and pleading are not serious negotiation tactics. He needs clear direction and clear consequences. Men know the difference between something they must do and something they should do. And they prioritize accordingly. I would tell him straight up that this is not acceptable, and if he wants to continue being in this relationship then he needs to figure out why he’s not interested in sex and then do something about. Otherwise, you walk. And then you need to be prepared to do it. Believe me, walking out will be far healthier, and easier for both of you than dragging this out for years while it slowly eats at your emotional and physical well being. These things continue and fester because one or both of the parties is not willing to put their foot down and say enough is enough.

    [Reply]

    Sally Reply:

    I told him as much last night. He knows this is his last chance with me. I told him if he’s got unresolved anger towards me for some reason that he can’t communicate with me about, we will either go to therapy as a couple or separately. He asked for a Dr. appointment to have his testosterone and prostate checked and we go for that on April 14th. I am giving him until the test results come back to make a change. If the test results show that something is indeed wrong, I will stick around long enough to see if medicine will help the problem. He knows the severity of the situation now and neither of us had angry words or tears last night. It was a productive talk and he knows that I don’t give ultimatums without being willing to actually do it. I never threaten something because it just makes you the “boy who cried wolf” so he was very taken aback that I told him this was IT for me.

    I’m praying and hoping for the best.

    Thanks.

    [Reply]

  • Mary Says:

    Yet if a women doesn’t want her man looking at porn out of respect for her and he still does it then he is disrespecting her feelings and emotions. That is a problem

    [Reply]

    Mary Reply:

    That is a choice, not a reaction.

    [Reply]

  • Kate Says:

    My boyfriend and I we are in our 40s and have lived together for six months. He says he is interested in sex only ‘on and off ‘ with me because, he claims, his antidepressant medication turns him off. However, at the same time he frequently and openly checks out other women on the street, on tv etc in my presence, recalls seeing women half-naked, talking to women about sex, will only watch films with sex and violence etc. So my impression is that I am with a horny teenager but when I try to initiate sex he is just not in the mood. This way he appears dishonest and also it is very frustration as all that talk turns me on. At fires I was hoping that all this ‘checking out’ others will turn him on towards me and possibly it did at first but now while know sex is on his mind yet he will not engage with me.
    This way on average we have sex about every 10-14 days which is far less then I would want to – I’d like to have sex every day but at least once every other day.
    I am myself loving and affectionate and never turn him down if my partner initiates. At first I was shy to initiate (I was used to men always initiating) to which he resented as he was told me he was used to women who ‘took control’ before and during sex (he prefers the passive role).
    I noticed that he will initiate sex on the rare occasions when my female friends, relatives are staying over night with us. Also, he has mentioned that I am too ‘skinny’ for his taste as he is attracted to fat women, but he only mentioned this after six months into the relationship – until then he was complimenting me on my looks. (Men normally find me quite attractive, I am average hight and wear size medium.) I told him that if he doesn’t find me attractive then we must split up but he was very upset about this and I agreed to give us a chance. Our lovemaking has improved as we are getting to know each other (he agreed to be more active and pay more attention to pleasuring me then before) and he says its great but most of the time he can’t orgasm (he says its due to his medication) and the frequency has not changed. He seems very fit physically (is a fast runner) but often finds it hard to keep up movement in bed.
    He has a string of ‘on and off’ relationships behind him and I did notice that he has been in text contact with his ex-girlfiends he told me that he just didn’t want to hurt anyone and that women like being lied to. Its hard to talk because he often won’t admit to his feelings and his mood can quickly change from ‘I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you’ to ‘what is love?’. If he doesn’t like something he will not confront the issue with me instead he texts me that he is moving out. It usually ends in him cooling down and asking me out again, us having sex and him moving back in.
    But once living together sex happens rarely and not having enough sex and orgasms I feel unwanted, and also distracted from day to day activities, I don’t feel I can get on with the rest of my life. I am trying to be understanding, I’v to sexier lingerie, trying to do interesting activities together and we do, but it feels hopeless and I find myself now thinking if I should look for an other partner.
    Is there anything I can do (or do less) to try to improve and give a chance to this relationship?

    [Reply]

  • Kat Says:

    Kate,
    If you have no children you should move on! He really sounds like an ass hole to tell you that your too skinny! If he truly loved you he wouldn’t hurt you like that and he would work on a compromise in regards to sex. You deserve to be happy! Listen to your intuition! Good luck

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I agree. There are so many red flags, and the problems are already pretty severe after only six months. You should still be in the honeymoon phase, not the “our 30 year old marriage is falling apart” phase. He’s made it clear that he can’t handle a healthy relationship. You should take him at his word.

    [Reply]

    Kate Reply:

    Well, perhaps you are right, I was just hoping that things could improve in time. I did try to bring up the matter today and his response was that he thinks I am oversexed and he thought I could exploit this to my advantage should I decide to become a prostitute.

    [Reply]

  • Becki Says:

    I can understand how a man works. I grew up with four brothers, no sisters. I know men look at women, my husband does and I really don’t care. What bothers me is that I satisfy my husband every day and yesterday he stayed home and watched porn and took care of himself – which is fine, but when I came to him to offer myself he said work was stressing him and he really didn’t feel like doing anything with me. I already knew he had watched his porn, so why lie to me? This bothered me, so I’ve been spending today a little hurt, I guess. I feel pushed aside I guess. I’ll get over it, its just a little mean……

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s a sad story. But it may not be as bad as you think if your sex life is otherwise healthy. He may had just needed a pure release and didn’t feel right about burdening you that responsibility. Then when you offered, he felt embarrassed and told a lie instead of telling the truth which is he already masturbated and wasn’t in the mood. Even the most honest, open minded, liberated man in the world wouldn’t want to have to say that to their partner. I think all men have been in similar situation where we masturbated already and then an opportunity for real sex comes right after, but our edge has already been dulled. It’s just that the vast majority of men will have sex anyway because we don’t want miss any opportunity.So the other is never the wiser…unless they pay close attention to the ejaculate and notice it’s not quite the same amount as usual.

    [Reply]

    kelsey Reply:

    i’ve been reading these comments because the porn issue in my own relationship has shattered my self esteem. i no longer initiate sex with him after seeing him takin care of business on porn site. i was not trying to catch him either. i was shocked because i asked him if he was into porn early on in the relationship and he said he was not. i know that men dont understand why this is so hurtful for some women. i believe porn desensitizes men to real sex and can make it seem boring. regular porn users need new and different material to keep them interested so how am i supposed to feel comfortable at all having sex with men these days who have constant acsess.
    i cant compete and i know it. you can tell me men dont compare their women to porn women all day till your blue in the face but there has been much research on this. i have had many relationships and they all end up the same after a while. when the newness wears off, the secret porn sessions begin. maybe all men arent like this but every man i have been in a relationship with liked porn. you see i dont want sex that has been tainted by porn. most of it is not realistic
    and far too many guys think its a good idea to try things they saw and say women need to loosen up and be more willing to try new things. men dont give their women a chance to make them turned on they waste it on selfish alone computer time. i will not compete with that. nor will i try to initiate anything anymore because i never know anymore if he got to the porn first.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Chances are there are very few men who will tell you if they watch porn. Maybe later on, but not when you just start dating. It’s kind of a private thing. Kind of like asking a woman how many men she’s been with. I suspect these guys always watched porn. It just look you a while to figure out. I don’t know a single guy who doesn’t look at porn every now and then. Never met one in my entire life. And if you are truly hooking up with porn addicts over and over again then the problem is probably with you. I would say the same thing if every guy you dated was an alcoholic, beat you up, or cheated on you. Most men are decent, so if you are only finding the ones that aren’t, then you need to look at yourself as you are the only common denominator. But maybe you are really sensitive about porn and any porn watching is a problem. If that’s the case then I guess you’ll need to find men who are better at lying about it or that one in a million who doesn’t at least occasionally watch or read porn, masturbate…or even fantasize. But there are some things you said that make me think that it’s not that you’re dating porn addicts, it’s just your tolerance for it is so low. I suspect ANY porn watching is unacceptable. Comments like sex that’s “tainted by porn” and not liking it if men say “women need to loosen up and be more willing to try new things” are confusing to me. I don’t understand the tainted concept and EVERY man wants to try new things. That’s healthy. After 24 years together my partner and I are still trying new things. You need to to keep it exciting. This isn’t just for sex either, this is for everything – from the food you eat, to the music you listen to, to the movies you see – everything.

    I hope you’re successful in finding the rarest of men who don’t every watch porn, or masturbate, or fantasize or want to try new things in bed. I really do. But the odds are not in your favor. Especially since masturbation and porn is already a little taboo and a very private thing, so if you ask right up front in the dating process you will most likely not get a truthful answer anyways.

  • Gina Says:

    Ok I can understand and relate to everything you’ve explained. I myself enjoy porn and love to look at an attractive man. But what separates a normal man from a complete pervert or sex addict? I never turn him down for sex. I love sex. But the problem I have is that he is late every day coming home from work. Why? Because while he could be working on his projects and leaving at a normal time, he chooses to watch porn at work for hours at a time while his boss is away.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Wow. He’s got some serious problems. To choose porn over the real thing is always a bad sign.I don’t know what’s exactly going on his head but it’s not healthy and you shouldn’t accept it. And it’s just not the whole porn over the real thing issue, it would be equally bad if it was anything really. He choosing an isolating experience over being present in the relationship. It wouldn’t matter if it was drinking every night at a bar, or playing video games, or even choosing to eat out every night by himself instead of coming home to eat with you – it’s an isolating and selfish behavior pattern that has no place in a healthy relationship. You don’t get to do whatever you want AND be in a relationship…especially if your behavior makes the other person unhappy or prevents you from fulfilling your responsibilities. Watching porn for hours while your partner is at home longing for sexual connection is about as selfish as it gets.

    [Reply]

    nicole Reply:

    Hello dopey dad.
    I have a separate question, me and my boyfriend have been together for one year. We fight about not enough sex and I still find porn on his computer and phone. I feel like I am begging for sex, I just want to keep him satisfied and I just want to love him. But he, I feel he just dose not want me. I am very sad, and if our relationship dose not work I promised myself to be single for a very long time. He loves me one week then mad at me the next, I just don’t want to feel like this any more. I am 29 and he is 31, please help with some advice, thank you.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Relationships should be mostly good. And when they are bad, they should still be pleasantly bad…meaning the bad parts shouldn’t eat away at your self esteem. To used a tired quote “he’s probably just not that int to you”. He also just might not be relationship material for anyone. Just like some people become parents when they have no interest in really being a parent some people get into relationships without really wanting to have one. Relationships are really hard and require constant active negotiation to keep them running smoothly. Some people just aren’t capable of doing that. Only you can determine if he’s that way or this is fixable.

  • kim Says:

    You’re a great writer! I’m 48 divorcee, single mother co-parenting(LMAO) two girls 10 and 13. I am engaged in a 3 year relationship with a wonderful man.

    This posting has helped me big time! I’m a graphic designer, freedom of the “press” is bred into me. The subject of this posting caught my eye, as I was grappling with “finding” my fiance enjoying things. Note- my marriage ended after 3 years of counseling and supposedly working on it when I found the porn addiction. Needless to say, my mind went back to the bad associations of what should be a natural thing. Woman I am, I will always grapple with society’s conditioning of being female. But your initial blog and responses have helped set me back on a secure course.

    Adore the rest of your content. I’m divorced and my youngest is twice the age of yours, it makes me smile. Enjoy it, my baby is going to high school, wait for that wild ride!

    [Reply]

  • jennifer Says:

    i very much enjoyed reading all this, i now have a better understanding. just have a question, should i be worried? if my boyfriend turns down a blow job. says hes tired, but catch him watching porn in the middle of the night? i felt like a piece of crap. he rather jerk off to porn then letting me satisfy him. he knows he can have it anytime he wants it. even if he woke me up. he lied about it when i caught him. closed out of the web page real quick, and acted as if he was going to bed. he had a smirk on his face. then he admitted it with out saying it, i was just looking, and i wasn’t looking at it to get off. i felt bad an apologized, cause i felt i over reacted, but still feel rejected. he watches porn almost everyday. i know this cause i find his dirty rags in a place were he thinks he hides them. we have sex pretty often, usually every 2 days, sometimes everyday, depends on the day, i can usually go 3 times a day if not more. but he mentioned to me if we waited a few days it will be more exciting.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Yes, this is definitely a problem. Not the masturbation to porn, but choosing porn over intimacy with your partner. This is a really troubling sign. There’s a big difference between a guy who masturbates to release sexual tension so he can get on with his day – instead of putting that burden on his partner – and one who actually holds out on his partner so he can jerk off to porn. One is considerate and the other is selfish. If I was in your situation he would have to get his act together or I’d leave.

    What if it wasn’t sex, but instead, when you wanted to go out to a nice restaurant, he said he wasn’t hungry and then an hour later you catch him stuffing down big macs under the pillow. And because of this you only went out to a nice restaurant once a week even though you both had the time, the money. and appetite to do so? I think you’d see the problem more clearly.

    Unfortunately sex seems to diffuse critical thinking about behavioral patterns that would be clear cut in any other situation.

    [Reply]

  • Amy Says:

    I sure wish my husband fit in one of the above catagories. Hes lived our whole married life without sex. Believe it or not that was 45 years. We had sex once on our wedding night. The first, last and only time. I’m not even sure I really know what sex is or even intimacy. We live in the same house but he has lived all these years in the basement and worked the midnight shift. That way he doesn’t have to associate with me. My best friend is my shrink, even with her help I’m still confused, hurt, and depressed and lonely. I’m in my 60s now and I’m sure I’ll never feel love and intimacy.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Your “husband” (and I put than in quotes because he only qualifies as one due to a technicality) is a serious nut job. He’s either gay and he’s been getting plenty of sex on the side for the last 45 years and only got married due to social pressure and cowardice, or he’s completely asexual and kind of an asshole to boot. I know living with this for so long has really damaged your self worth but you can just walk away. He already did 45 years ago. You just need to finish what he’s to chickenshit to finish himself. There’s also nothing to be confused about. You married a nut job when you were really young and naive. A lot of people did back then and many still do now. I know one thing for sure, in these co-dependent abusive relationships it’s impossible to see clearly while you are still in it. You gain clarity by removing your self from the situation. And your best friend shouldn’t be your shrink. Keep her as a best friend and unload on someone else. It’s not fair to either of you. And mid 60′s is not to old to start over and have a great sex life and real intimacy. 60 is the new 40. I’m serious. A couple months on your own and you’ll feel a million times better and then you’ll be in a much better position to make predictions about a future love life. Right now it looks hopeless because we tend to estimate the future based upon what has happened in the past. We humans are really unimaginative when it comes to predicting the future or how we will feel about things down the road. So it’s normal that you feel hopeless right now but it’s not an accurate predictor of how you’ll feel a year from now.

    [Reply]

  • Christine Says:

    I get that men look at porn, but should I think about the fact that the porn my boyfriend consistently chooses is the exact opposite of me? He broke his mold with me: historically, his preferred woman is a petite, curvy, Latin brunette. I’m tall, white, thin, and blonde, the first girl with any of those characteristics (besides thin) he’s ever dated (though he’s white, himself).
    When he looks at porn, it’s always Latin girls.
    He says he loves me and wants to spend his life with me, but I break down in tears every time I think about how far I am from meeting his physical ideal of a woman.
    Every woman wants to be her guy’s fantasy come true, but there’s not a damn thing I can do to make myself shorter or curvier or darker completed. I feel like he’s settling for me. It’s killing my libido. I went from wanting sex all the time, any time, to cringing at the thought. I’m honestly way too pretty to feel this depressed and insecure. What do I do to regain my confidence and desire? Part of me wants to go find a guy that’s into tall blondes, just to be reminded that I’m okay. :(
    I’m 27, he’s 28. I thought I’ve have this s*** figured out by now.

    [Reply]

    Christine Reply:

    Correction: i get that men look at porn, but what* should I think [...]

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Please don’t let your insecurities ruin a good thing. Fantasies and idealized body types are just that – fantasies and ideals. Just because he has a few things that elicit a predictable sexual response doesn’t mean he can’t also be attracted to the opposite. The fact that he’s choosing you over his typical pattern means your are pretty special to him. So embrace the fact that you defied his expectations and are so awesome that you broke his pattern. I think that’s pretty cool and it should make you feel great.

    I know a guy who puts big breasts (I mean really big) at the very top of his list. No big boobs, no interest. We always joked that he was really dating a pair of tits and the woman attached to them was irrelevant.

    To me, the fact that you aren’t his fallback position says a lot. If you dated a guy that was obsessed about tall and blonde how would you know if he was really into you are just because you matched his fetishes?

    [Reply]

    Christine Reply:

    Please forgive the crude analogy, but:

    If your wife had dated a string of well endowed black men before you, and now, she specifically sought out only porn that involved muscular black men with 12 inch coke can dongs, would it not make you insecure? And if it would, how would you handle it?

    HOW can I accept the fact that his ideal woman (even now) is someone that is nothing like me?

    I hope this doesn’t seem confrontational. I don’t mean it to be. On the contrary, I’m -begging- to be shown where my thinking has gone wrong. What I repeatedly seek out is what I want… I can’t imagine that it could be any different for him. If he were watching gay porn, I’d assume he wanted gay men. He watches Latina porn, so I assume he wants Latinas.
    I’ve been on the brink of tears ever since I found the porn in the first place.
    He -loves- Latin women, always has, and thinks they’re the sexiest of all. I’m about as far from Latin as a woman can get. How can I stop feeling sick about this??

    And another question (related more to porn in general, rather than his-ideal-is-my-opposite:

    If I emotionally accept his (painfully specific) porn habit, why should I not also be emotionally okay with him having sex with other women, as long as he comes home to me (the chance of spreading disease aside)? The insecurity stems from exactly the same place– the fear that he prefers these “others” to me. Why should his having sex with other women bother me, as long as his life is otherwise committed to me? I’d really, really appreciate hearing your perspective on this question. What’s the difference between his having imaginary sex with these women and his having occasional, non-committed sex with these women, so long as neither interferes with our home life? All acts were first thoughts. Emotionally, I feel like it’s going to be as hard to accept one as it would be to accept the other. Either way, I have to somehow accept the fact that he wants other women sexually. Whether he acts on it or not isn’t really relevant if the effect on my life would be the same (in this case: no effect). Why should it matter to me what he wants to do/does?

    I very much appreciate the fact that you take the time to respond to all of these. I like your writing style and, believe me, I’m trying my damndest here to come around to your way of thinking. I want desperately to understand and accept this, and if there were a switch in my head I could flip, I would. Life is too short to be this depressed, and I am honestly way too pretty to feel this insecure.

  • Straight Dope Dad Says:

    I’ll address your two main points.

    1. Actions and thoughts ARE too different things.

    That’s why you don’t get arrested for fantasizing about robbing a bank, only for actually robbing one. Do I think about having sex with other women? You bet. Do I do it? No. That’s why I’m not considered a cheater by my partner or anyone else. It’s like Chris Rock once said in a bit about people who say there’s NEVER reason to hit a woman. His response was there’s ALWAYS a reason to hit a woman… you just DON’T DO IT”. Thoughts and actions are two separate things and if you expect your partner to be in control of his thoughts or for you to control them, then you will be let down on a daily basis. We can’t control our thoughts, only our actions. The shit our brain throws at us is largely out of our control as most of our thought is actually subconscious. We don’t really do all that much conscious thought unless we are trying to learn something or figure something out. The rest of the time it’s just like flipping thought the radio dial.

    2.Feeling insecure and obsessing about stuff that doesn’t matter, and is out of your control.

    The insecurity will get better with time if you can keep your obsession under control. I’m really glad you posted because it gives me a peak into how your mind works. I have no insecurities. I was born without a sense of embarrassment and I’ve never internalized people perceptions or attitudes about me. So when someone treats me bad, I never think “oh I must be a bad person or deserving of these treatment.” I make a clear distinction between who I am and other people actions and beliefs.

    So I have no idea what’s it’s like to have undeserved self doubt.

    But I can tell you from watching other people destroy a good thing that nothing, no matter how perfect – be it a job, a relationship, a song, a poem, or a meal – can withstand the level of scrutiny you’re giving this issue. I’ve never seen someone obsess about, and pick apart anything without coming to the conclusion that it sucks. It never happens the other way. “Yeah, I nitpicked every aspect of my relationship for a couple of weeks, obsessed about everything that was ever said, done, or implied, and came to the conclusion that my boyfriend is really awesome and this relationship is right for me.” You will never hear that story.

    So you’ll need to get his under control one way or another.

    Here’s two ways that are time tested to work with getting runaway fears under control.

    1. Write them down and then read them out loud to yourself. Silent internal thoughts seem very real and powerful. Reading them out loud takes their power away.

    2. Talk about your fears with the person who’s the source of the fears (your boyfriend). Same principle as the first idea. He will really appreciate you sharing this information with him as it demonstrates a deep level of trust to do so, and it will actually make you feel more secure and closer to him. It’s sound counterintuitive but it does wonders.

    Reality is no match against silent internalized fears. Fear always wins. So the fear must be exposed. That destroys its power over you.

    [Reply]

  • Straight Dope Dad Says:

    I’ll address your two main points.

    1. Actions and thoughts ARE too different things.

    That’s why you don’t get arrested for fantasizing about robbing a bank, only for actually robbing one. Do I think about having sex with other women? You bet. Do I do it? No. That’s why I’m not a cheater. It’s like Chris Rock once said in a bit about people who say there’s NEVER reason to hit a woman. His response was there’s ALWAYS a reason to hit a woman… you just DON’T DO IT”. Thoughts and actions are two separate things and if you expect your partner to be in control of his thoughts or for you to control them, then you will be let down on a daily basis. We can’t control our thoughts, only our actions. The shit our brain throws at us is largely out of our control as most of our though is actually subconscious. We don’t really do all that much conscious thought unless we are trying to learn something or figure something out. The rest of the time it’s just like flipping thought radio dial.

    2.Feeling insecure and obsessing about stuff that doesn’t matter and is out of your control.

    The insecurity will get better with time if you can keep your obsession under control. I’m really glad you posted because it gives me a peak into how your mind works. I have no insecurities. I was born without a sense of embarrassment and I’ve never internalized people perceptions or attitudes about me. So when someone treats me bad, I never think “oh I must be a bad person or deserving of these treatment.” I make a clear distinction between who I am and other people actions and beliefs.

    So I have no idea what’s it’s like to have undeserved self doubt.

    But I can tell you from watching other people destroy a good thing that nothing, no matter how perfect – be it a job, a relationship, a song, a poem, a meal – can withstand the level of scrutiny you’re giving this issue. I’ve never seen someone obsess about, and pick apart anything without coming to the conclusion that it sucks. It never happens the other way. “Yeah, I nitpicked every aspect of my relationship for a couple of weeks, obsessed about everything that was ever said, done or implied and came to the conclusion that my boyfriend is really awesome and this relationship right for me.” You will never hear that story.

    So you’ll need to get his under control one way or another.

    Here’ two ways that are time tested to work with getting runaway fears under control.

    1. Write them down and then read them out loud to yourself. Silent internal thoughts seem very real and powerful. Reading them out loud takes their power away.

    2. Talk about your fears with the person who’s the source of the fears(your boyfriend) Same principle as the first idea. He will really appreciate you sharing this information with him as it demonstrates a deep level of trust to do so, and it will actually make you feel more secure and closer to him. It’s sound counterintuitive but it does wonders.

    Reality is no match against silent internalized fears. Fear always wins. So the fear must be exposed. That destroys its power over you.

    [Reply]

  • Jessica Says:

    Me and my boyfriend will have been together for 4 years come aug 9th. We have always had a great sexual relationship, always initated no matter what time of. Day or night. Ever since my pregnancy with my daughter the sex has been barely there! I will make comments, grab him etc etc and nothing.. but he was frequently watching porn. I thought it was just because I was pregnant, maybe worries about the baby and what not but she is now 4 months old and barley nothing has changed! I have a very high sex drive since the birth of my daughter and he has no cares. I have talked to him about this quit a few times, even attempted to leave but he promised it would get better and it hasn’t. I will be sitting down stairs, baby asleep and he will go to the bathroom and watch porn :-(. Whe we do have sex which is once a week if I’m luck.. it is all about him. I take alil bit longer then he does and befour the pregnancy he would go the extra mile to make sure I got mine now he don’t care, I am left hanging everytime. the last 2 times we attempted to have sex he got soft. I don’t know what to do! All this has me really mad, hurt and feeling undesired. He is really affectionite, loving and great in every other way but this sex problem is a very big issue for me. I almost feel like he is using sex as a control method.

    [Reply]

  • Heather Says:

    Okay I’m glad I came across your post. I just have a few more questions. My boyfriend and I have been together almost 20 years. Porn has always been an issue for me because he masterbates just hours after we have sex but should I want sex within a few days of him mastrrbating I get shot down everytime. So I asked, he told me he does that because he knows he doesn’t have to have sex with me again for a few days. Recently he looks at porn everyday sometimes several times a day. When we are intimate he tells me how hot and sexy I am but that is the only time. We are down to every Saturday morning an the occasional wed. Don’t get me wrong the sex is amazing (he even tells me that it is hot) but I want more variety. I like sex all the time but would like to have it the occasional Monday afternoon or so. A couple of weeks ago I was unbelievable horny. I quick asking for sex a long time ago because I was always shot down. I’ve tried random texting dirty pics, sexy clothes, see through shirt no bra, mastrrbating in front of him, blow jobs, ect ect. This one week I decided I woulda me a play I haven’t for a long time, and got shot down. I got it the usual Saturday morning. This is when I checked up on his porn usage. He saves tons of pics and they are all date and time stapped. So he looked an saved porn every single day that week. By Saturday I was so mad I didn’t even enjoy the sex. Again I asked, I was told he loves me and does like to have sex with me but he’s been looking at the same boobs for 20 years. I did get heavy after having kids and decided it wasn’t right to not be attractive for him so I have lost alot of weight and workout all the time. I acctually get sex less now than I did when I was fat. And he not in to the fat girls all the pics he saves are almost anorexic looking girls even though I am repeatedly told he like his girl round on the edges and not fat but healthy. I’m at a loss I love him and love sex with him. After 20 years just the thought of getting to have sex with him turns me on. Any suggestions or comment would greatly be appreciated. I certainly don’t understand the male mind at all apparently. Am I getting mixed messages? He he mean it when he says I’m sexy and the sex was hot or do you think it’s just something he says because he knows it turns me on?? I feel like he isn’t interested in sex with me at all but he loves me so he keeps me appeased by giving me saturday morning and talks dirty to me while we are having sex.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Your boyfriend has some major issues that need to be solved. I seriously doubt he can pull out of this himself without professional help from a therapist that specializes in this behavior. Choosing masturbation over the real thing and saving porn are major problems. The fact that he masturbates right after he has sex with you is especially troublesome. I have no doubt he finds you attractive and enjoys sex with you but the other behaviors are not acceptable and are not healthy. I have no idea what he’s trying achieve. Apparently the sex drive is there but he chooses to squander most of it on porn in isolation rather than sharing it with a real person he loves and cares about. And it’s not really the porn and the masturbation that’s the problem – that’s the symptom. His destructive patterns with porn and masturbation is an expression of something else. I don’t know what it is and I doubt he does either. And I think you do understand the male mind, it’s his bizarre behavior you don’t understand and I don’t understand it either. But it doesn’t have anything to do with you – meaning you can’t do anything to change yourself that will change him. It’s really no different than any other destructive pattern like excessive gambling or drinking. You can’t make an alcoholic stop drinking by showing him photos of glasses of milk, sending him sexy text messages about drinking coffee and soda water, or wearing shirts with pictures of bottled water on it. So what to do about it? He clearly won’t recognize this problem until he truly understands it will destroy his relationship. That’s step one. If he has any notion that this can continue, and you’ll just put up with it, he will not seek change. So the wake-up call is step one. How you make that point is up to you but you need to ready to follow through. Personally, I would just find a good therapist, make an appointment for you two, and then tell him that you love him dearly and want to be with him forever, but if expects to have a life with you this is what he needs to do. That’s it. Guys understand simple directives like that. Guys do not respond to wishes, pestering, begging, whining, pleading and other behaviors that come from a point of weakness. They respond the clear directives from a point of strength.

    Now if you’re not willing to put yourself and your relationship on the line then you should just resign yourself to this being how it will be forever (and it will probably get worse). Right now he has no reason to change. He’s getting everything he wants.

    [Reply]

    Heather Reply:

    Thanks for your reply, getting advise from my female friends is one thing but to here it straight up from a guy is refreshing. I used to think being a chick who loves to have sex and enjoy it was a gift. Now I see it’s really just a curse. I tried to bring up some points. You are right porn doesn’t change how he looks at me. He likes porn everyday because it’s a different girl a different fantasy everyday. I’ve been the same girl for twenty years so he really isn’t hot for me anymore. He still likes sex but it’s the same thing he has always had. I suggested different things. He suggested he service me in another way to meet my needs. All the rest I just alot of work and he is bored with it. Oh well, thanks for your help bit it looks like if I want things to work out I’m gone have to live with just getting fingered. He did suggest maybe I should find a boy toy. I could but that is a slippery slope because it will not only desert my sexual attention away from him but eventually all of me. Not to mention I really have the hits for him. This shit sucks. He doesn’t even seem willing to try. I don’t know how you can love someone and be so selfish. Oh well. Thanks again!!! It’s nice to here that he has the problem not me.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I think you should buy this book and have your boyfriend read it http://www.amazon.com/The-Paradox-Choice-More-Less/dp/0060005696/ref=sr_1_sc_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341972622&sr=1-1-spell&keywords=parodox+of+choice
    It explains well why his pursuit of novelty and variety actually decreases his satisfaction with not only you but with all of his porn girls. The book has nothing to do with porn and masturbation but the principles are the same. Too many options actually contributes to dissatisfaction.

  • Madge Says:

    Hey, great article. I think everything you mention is spot on and I’ve spent many years coming to terms with these facts and I think I’m finally accepting them. Three questions though

    1) Do you think the way it is can straight up suck at points? No jokes. As a man, would you rather you weren’t wired this way? Would you rather your wife/loved one could fufill your every needs? Do you like the thought of a world where you completely satisfy each other? Or do you prefer the fact you NEED to see other women in your mind everyday?

    2) Does it anger you to think many men will masturbate over your wife, seen as there won’t be able any emotional ties between them? Does this not create a sort of constant underlying tension between you are your male friends?

    3) Lastly, you say (and most of the men in the comments) that you don’t picture your wife when masturbating. I totally understand this, as depressing as it may be. But do you miss the start of the relationship the same way women do – when you were both super super hot for one another and masturbating over each other was amazing and natural? Do you miss the days you could pleasure yourself over her and her alone, and she could do the same?

    I only ask because even though I accept everything you say – I envy the way guys are cool with it. Like, yeah I understand this is life and men are just this way and thats that. (And not to mention I know plently of women who are the same) But do you ever think it’s all just kinda shitty and wish for a better world where two people can be truly satisfied by one another? …As unrealistic as that is.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    1) Do you think the way it is can straight up suck at points? No jokes. As a man, would you rather you weren’t wired this way? Would you rather your wife/loved one could fufill your every needs? Do you like the thought of a world where you completely satisfy each other? Or do you prefer the fact you NEED to see other women in your mind everyday?

    Answer: Yes, I wish I wasn’t wired this way. It’s exhausting at times. Although, I wouldn’t say I NEED to see other women in my mind everyday, it’s just that I will involuntarily form brief sexual thoughts about women in my presence. I don’t really have any control over it so I wouldn’t call it a need per say.

    2) Does it anger you to think many men will masturbate over your wife, seen as there won’t be able any emotional ties between them? Does this not create a sort of constant underlying tension between you are your male friends?

    Answer: I’m not sure if any men masturbate to images of my partner but if they do I don’t care. I assume that most of my male friends have had sexual thoughts about my partner at one time or another even if they are just nano seconds in brevity and beyond their control. This doesn’t bother me either.

    3) Lastly, you say (and most of the men in the comments) that you don’t picture your wife when masturbating. I totally understand this, as depressing as it may be. But do you miss the start of the relationship the same way women do – when you were both super super hot for one another and masturbating over each other was amazing and natural? Do you miss the days you could pleasure yourself over her and her alone, and she could do the same?

    Answer: I’m still super hot for my partner. True, we aren’t all touchy feelie like when we were younger but the passion has not diminished at all. I also never masturbated to actual pictures of my partner. If I had no external stimuli I think I may have used mental memories of us having sex but I’m not sure. I know if I had the choice I preferred porn. Back in the day when we were young there was no internet. Our relationship was long distance for the first five years (three and half hour drive) so Monday through Friday was sex free. So naturally masturbation kept me sane so I could concentrate at work. But still images never did much for me – I respond to movement – so I would buy those Penthouse letters compilations. They were about the size of a Readers Digest and they were all sex stories. This allowed me to access my imagination better and create a movie in my head. So I either read my porn or used just my imagination as still pictures don’t don much for me. These days I can easily access little movies on the web. I also don’t have huge stretches of free time nor the pent up sexual energy all the time. So I masturbate way less now. Sometimes not for several weeks at a time because it just depletes me. So I only do it when I know we’re not scheduled to have sex that day and my sexual energy is interfering with my ability to concentrate. It hard to concentrate when your cock starts doing that weird buzzing sensation because it so desperately wants to be touched.

    [Reply]

  • Heather Says:

    Thank you for the honest answers. It was also nice to hear that some guys still completely desire there women even I they do use porn as a master action tool. I think the problem with porn is for some men it gives them unlimited options that are not their women and it does take away from their desire to have what is with them. I think with my husband is he would like to have a different girl everyday because in what he says it would spice things up. I’ve used this analogy with him in the past: I have become an old comfortable pair of slippers. They are ratty and totem but you love them and can’t bring yourself to throw them out, so you keep them at the back of the closet. Should you be digging through the closet for something else and find them you get them out for a period of time because for a fleeting moment you remembered how much you use to love them. But tey don’t look like they used to and even though they are very comfy you quickly put them back in the closet opting for they brand new pair that look and feel new. New is always nice but nothing is new forever. With porn you have new everyday an there really is no reason to get out the old pair. He was not very receptive to conversation or willing to even meet me half way to spice things up between the to of us. He loves me he is just tired of looking at me and sleeping with me it no longer excited him. Because he does love me he is willing to fulfill me with oral or digital stimulation he says he would live to have sex but he can control when his dick gets hard and what it wants. Which seems like a line to me but I’m not male I don’t know. He told me the fact that he is looking at porn everyday should make me happy because he is just fanticizing about other women and not having sex with them. It keeps him from cheating. Maybe people really aren’t meant to be together forever with only one person or maybe I’m just not that one for him. Who knows. Thank you for the advise, hug and kiss your wife let her know she is a lucky lady….. Actions speak so much louder than words!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Your boyfriends right about one thing and that is we have little control over our erections. And trying to get hard almost seems to have the opposite effect. Guys who are paralized from the waist down can still get erections even though they can’t move a single toe. So you can see why guys can get frustrated over these things as we don’t have that much control.

    But I don’t believe your boyfriend’s porn habit has anything to do with being tired of you. He’s clearly addicted to it and his constant stimulation and masturbation leaves him spent both physically and psychologically. Masturbating to porn is not real. There is no real connection to the women in the videos. It’s create collection of porn because your partner is just not exciting enough is comparing apples to oranges. It’s just some bullshit excuse to cover up for his addiction.

    When my partner was breast feeding 12-15 time a day she became very touch sensitive. Especially her breasts. She was over stimulated all day long so when it came time for sex I had to be extra careful not to touch her too much, and especially her breasts. It was a bit frustrating since we usually had vigorous sex.

    You boyfriend is creating the same situation . His constant self stimulation is preventing him from getting excited with you. Masturbation and porn are fun and simple but they are not real. But that’s part of the attraction. You control the stimulation as well as the imagery. So everything is in your control and there is no one to compromise with. But it’s not real and can’t provide the full experience that real sex does. Porn and masturbation is a release. That’s it. It can’t provide the fulfillment that comes from real sex with a real person. That’s why you can jerk off to porn all day long and still not feel like you’re satisfied, but after one good romp in the sack you’re good for the rest of the day.

    So it’s like eating sweets all day when what your body really needs is a steak. No matter how many donuts you eat it will not stop the cravings because that’s not what you need, but it will spoil your appetite for what you do need. He needs to back off on the junk food so his pallet can adjust to real food again.

    Believe me, if he quit for one week he’d be all over you. But he’d need to realize he has a problem first.

    Try that book I recommended. Just buy it and read it and then give it to him. Since it’s not about porn and masturbation he may be receptive to it’s message and perhaps see the connection to his behavior.

    [Reply]

    Heather Reply:

    Thanks again. A lot of what you say he has already told me and it helps to have it verified by another male. He of course is not going to come to the conclusion he has a problem (who want to admit that.) But maybe if I stop internalizing things and just let them be the problem will reverse. With any luck he will read the book and see the correlation or just plain get tired of the porn after a while and when the drive for me comes back he will see things then. I realize men and women think differently for a reason. Unfortunately it can create problems. I’m sure I have added to this issue and maybe driven him into the porn MORE(I know some is normal its just the everyday that has created the issue) or not. But this blog has been very helpful for me to view that this in no way has to do with me or changes his views of me. Thanks bunches!!!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Three more great books on how we make choices and how this affects our happiness.
    This ones more about how we’re not so good at predicting what will make us happy.
    http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/1400077427/ref=pd_sim_b_1
    This one is a more academic book on how we make choices.
    http://www.amazon.com/How-We-Decide-Jonah-Lehrer/dp/0547247990/ref=pd_sim_b_4
    Another lively book about how we decide.
    http://www.amazon.com/Art-Choosing-Sheena-Iyengar/dp/B0085RZDMK/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1342240035&sr=1-2&keywords=choosing

    Since life is really just a series of choices I find this subject fascinating.

    Heather Reply:

    Okay I have one more question. I already have formed my own opinion and obviously I have choices to make. Choices become hard when you have spent 20 years with someone and have two children. There are more people think about when making a choice. I blogged about the porn because it started to bother me. I was very encouraged that you told me the same things about how guys view porn as my partner did. I did start a conversation told him I was concerned that I had blogged you and the answers I got. I have always been open. He said he is just bored. When it comes down to it I was bored too. That is why I recommended things to spice it up a bit. We don’t often have a sitter so we don’t go out. I read your blog on planned date nights which is so completely logical. We had planned to do a 5K together over the weekend. Since it was not near our home and was a night run we got a room. He recommend we go out on the town after the race which we did. That night and the next day I had such a greater appreciation of him and he responded to me a much more positive way. This was however short lived we came home and it is right back to boring. This is my question I need a guys perspective. I already discussed the porn issue and the sexual disfunction on his part. He told me this is because he is bored it has been the same thing for 20 years. Now the past couple of weeks he has started talking about a girl he works with. I know this girl she is 15 years younger than him I have spoken with her many times. She also did the same 5K over the weekend. After I read your blog that men will position themselves around attractive women I was like okay. But all he talks about every night is this girl. It was already starting to get irritating then I find out she was out the same place we were after the race and we just missed her (his words) still okay then he tells me he knew she would be there. Now this is starting to look like red flags. He never wants to go out just the two of us. His idea of date night is taking the kids out to eat. So he all the sudden recommends we go out the place he knows this girl he spends a lot of time with at work is going to be and I don’t find out until later. So I don’t want to jump to conclusion and make decision based on the fact that this kind of makes me feel crappy. But I don’t want to keep waiting and hoping if he is looking because it seems like I could control the hurt of rejection more if I made a change before he actually cheated. He has also told me sex is just sex and if he did sleep with someone it would make him want me more. From a guys perspective is this true. I’m serious frustrated and really don’t want to over react. My female friend say he is a jerk who want to have his cake and eat it to and I let him do it. Long blog I know. Need as much insight as I can get 20 years together is a lot of time. Things have not always been like this the past 3-6 months esp the past 2 have been difficult. This is the first time I have ever question if he is looking else where.

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Yikes! This has so many red flags all over it it turns my stomach. Is he likely to cheat? Absolutely. He pretty much told you straight out but in an indirect way. He also gave himself an excuse with his “it will only make me want you more”. This is pure bullshit. Focusing on another girl diminishes your appetite for your partner. The reason is because this girl is a fantasy. In his mind she’s devoid of all the messiness that comes from a long term relationship. You can’t compete with a fantasy. He can project whatever he wants onto her because in reality she’s a blank canvas.

    We all have crushes. They are normal. I’ve had several since I’ve been with my partner. My partner could always tell too. I thought I was being discreet but to her I might as well had a big sign around my neck that said “I’m infatuated with Sally” (totally made up name. One big difference between me and a cheater is I understand they are crushes and don’t mean anything. Then time passes, you get to see your crush as whole person and then you lose interest because just as no one can compete with a fantasy, likewise a new real girl, with all her flaws, cannot compete with all the memories and deep connection I have with my partner. Also I would never cheat anyway, but that’s how it kind of plays out psychologically.

    It’s a cycle and when men don’t complete the cycle and instead take action at the infatuation stage, that’s when they fuck up their lives. Sorry to say this but your boyfriend is still a child developmentally and he’s on his way to cheating on you. But he has no reason to change as you have yet to really inflict any real consequences. I think you know what your options and I think it’s unlikely he will simply get his shit together on his own. He’s been disengaging from you for a while now and he’s already set up another option. That’s some serious momentum in a very destructive direction.

    I think Newton said it best: An object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force.

    Right now there is no unbalancing force.

  • Gao Says:

    Wow! I’m extremely glad I came across this. It’s helped me relieved a lot of what I was stressing over. My husband and I will have been married for 11 years on the 21st of this month. Our life together is hell, but we make it work because we have 3 children together and will be expecting another one end of August. I love him and I know he loves me. I don’t like sex all that much just because I find it very time consuming and tiring. He, on the other hand, LOVES sex very much. I mean, I love our sex life, it’s just, I don’t like it too often. He doesn’t like to tell me what’s on his mind but I always knew that in that head of his, he LOVES looking at beautiful women with big boobs! I’m the very opposite of the women he looks at. I’m nearly 5 feet tall and my cup size is 34A. During our early years of marriage, as in 3-6 years of marriage, he used to always tell me that he didn’t care for big boobs and that mine were perfect for him. Well, recently, all that has changed. Since I fell pregnant in November of 2011, he’s been acting very strange. It didn’t start until late March-early April of this year. I may have made a mistake in telling him that I didn’t really want to be having sex while pregnant with this child. I’ve told him that in the past with our other children but he never used to care about it and always asked for sex. This time, it’s different. Back in November, he really started acting weird. He’s cheated on me before.. not once, not twice, but 4 times during the first 6 years of our marriage so it’s hard for me to trust his words when he tells me to just believe him. I know this time, he’s sincere and all but, I can’t control this womanly instinct of mine. Well, in November he’s been saving a lot, and I mean, A LOT of nude photos of women. I went through the recent history on the pc and found out that he’s been saving these photos to a file on the pc and I deleted them all and we had a big fight over it. Not only was he saving nude women photos, he was also watching porn while I sleep. It was weird cause for a few months, I had trouble sleeping so he’d force me to go to sleep early so I could fall asleep by midnight. I couldn’t understand why he was doing that. Then early in March of this year, I found more photos on the pc. Of course, I deleted them again. In April, he stopped saving them onto the pc as I couldn’t find them on the pc anymore. I finally realized that it was being saved to an “F” drive. I quickly searched for all the USBs on the desk and found where he’s been storing the rest of them. This time, I didn’t delete them. He had them all named so I went through all the names and put, in parenthesis, Wife #1, Wife #2, Wife #3, etc… there were about 30 women on that USB but that’s not all he intended to save however. Later on that night or maybe a couple nights after, he realized that I found out what he was doing so he hid the USB. I searched for it, but couldn’t find it so I gave up. Four weeks ago, he bought the laptop he’s had on layaway at work for the past 3 months and has been doing his dirt on that laptop. So again, as the curious wife I am, I checked his recent activities and found that he’s been continuing to save more nude photos of women onto the same USB. I went into the bedroom and searched for the USB again and this time, not only did I find the USB, I found an additional micro SD card of mine that I used for my camera. With my head boiling hot, I deleted almost 900 nude photos of these women. I picked him up later that evening from work and I tried not to let it bother me, but when he asked what was wrong, I blurted everything out and we argued the whole ride home. I asked why he’d save that many nude photos of other women cause he doesn’t have THAT many regular photos of me. He knows I’m self conscious. He sputtered things that didn’t make sense and finally told me that he likes to relieve himself atleast once a week since I wasn’t giving him what he wanted. With my head not thinking straight, I told him I didn’t have the energy to have sex with him that many times in a month as he had never complained with once or twice a month in the past. He wanted me to compromise with him and I told him I couldn’t. Well, since April, he hasn’t looked at me the same, he hasn’t been telling me I’m beautiful like how he used to before March ended, he doesn’t touch me that much anymore. If he did, it’d be a quick second like it was just a reflex of his then he’d quickly remove his hands like it didn’t mean anything. We haven’t had real sex since the beginning of May, and now, I’m the one who needs to relieve my sexual tensions. I feel stupid, lost, and confused. Last night, he asked for a bj. I gave him one and I tried to make it exciting cause he likes it that way and normally, he’d let me finish him off, but he stopped me in the middle of it and told me that was enough and completely shot me down. I felt confused and torn cause I feel like, all he wants to do now, is watch porn and masturbate. He’s completely changed. I asked him why he’s the way he is now and if me being pregnant is the reason. He says it’s not me and that after I give birth, we’d have sex like normal again but he’s not the person I’m used to anymore. I don’t know what else to do. I’m almost at my wit’s end and considering buying toys for myself as I don’t think anything’s going to change after I give birth. Well, I told him I don’t mind as much if he watched porn so that he could relieve himself because I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from but what should I do with him not wanting to have sex with me anymore? I tried to initiate sex and I even offered to help him with him masturbating but he shot me down on that too!!

    [Reply]

  • Kate Says:

    Perhaps you should take a step back from the situation and think it through. What do you want?Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this person? If so what would be an ideal situation in your marriage? How much of that can you realistically achieve given the character/needs of your husband and yourself? Once you know then there is the question how to go about it.

    Your husband has had several affairs and you chose to stay with him without working through the situation – your trust in him has obviously suffered considerably and also his respect for you has been shaken as you have not attempted to severe or re-negotiate the relationship after such fundamental betrayals but accepted a position when you can not trust your husband. This way the foundations of your relationship have been damaged.

    It seems to me that if you want to improve and enjoy a relationship with your husband you will have to work out how : 1. both forgive each other 2. accept and love each others as you are with your failings and vulnerabilities 3. build and maintain respect for each other 4. build and maintain trust and intimacy

    It is clear how you husband has hurt you by having affairs. You must draw up and stick to your personal boundaries (how much betrayal, disrespect is acceptable to you) not withstanding your children, family, the global situation etc. Anyone will respect you only as much as you respect yourself and it is not in your children’s best interest to feel that their mother is disrespected (they do feel it every time). You must be serious about this and you can ask for a similar attitude from your partner. In practice this means saying that you are not prepared to carry on with the relationship as it is but only if there are changes (re-negotiating). What and how they should be you are prepared to discuss in regular conversations with your husband should they be in councelling or just the two of you devoting special time to talk and listen to each other about how you feel and what little changes can you do for things to improve the way you both want. Your husband can show his commitment to your relationship (rather then to his children) by agreeing to talk regularly over a period of time and carrying out the changes you agree. You must be able to cope with, talk through and forgive each other small set backs and mutual disappointments before you can achieve a new equilibrium.

    If you want a change, no matter how agrieved you are, you will have to acknowledge (first to yourself) that you too must have hurt your husband’s feelings considerably from time to time by rejecting even the idea of sex with him, by not respecting him trying to relieve himself while he had no other options, by constantly invading into his privacy. What started off originally as a ‘game’ of him fighting through your rejection obviously no longer works and had ‘got to him’ with some very negative effects so you need to find a new approach. If you are serious about a better relationship with your husband its best if you don’t reject him at any time (unless you are in labour!) – this does not mean that sex has to carried to its conclusion every time: you might have a sexy flirty talk, watch images, have foreplay or even some action without finishing, – you could have an excuse to stop but encourage him to look forward to coming back to you after work etc to continue/finish where you started off (you could fuel this with messages, calls etc). This way you work towards intimacy while you are having sex.

    The fact that he has many photos of nude women is telling that its all just about fantasies and physical needs (we all have them) but he really doesn’t focus (yet) on one particular ‘object’ outside of your marriage. So at the moment he is faithful to you in as much as he is capable. Perhaps if he is deprived of this fantasy sex life at home he might just look for a real one with someone else? Focus on the positives: he doesn’t have an other lover, he supports you and your children financially (to whatever degree), he sleeps next to you at night , he cares about you etc.

    You have to try to be realistic. Your husband is obviously not the repressed type, he is someone who (openly) needs physical closeness and sex to almost to a degree to validate himself as a person, as a man. It is obvious that if you reject him, punish him and judge him longer term you will lose intimacy which you need for trust, love, closeness. If you want it back you need to try to accept his failings and vulnerability and incorporate those qualities into your life in a way that suits you and your relationship. Showing your real emotion sometimes is important and sometimes is not constructive.

    ‘Mothering’ and ‘policing’ your partner will not make him closer to you, it won’t help intimacy. Of course checking is important but confrontation is only constructive if you get something out of it and not for its own sake, the ways you have tried so far at the moment it only seem to push him away.

    Apart from taking and listening to each other you can also demonstrate some points which are hard to get through or you partner is ‘blocking out’. They might work if you use them only when the situation arrises with the intention to help someone who might not see otherwise.

    Ex. displaying the images of women he looks at at an unexpected for him time – like during breakfast or lunch (of course when the children are not there) – he might find it shocking to be faced with his own darker side when he is not ‘ready’: doing this with a smile and interest will take away the element of criticism. What about using his excitement at watching those big boobs to get what you want ‘in the sack’? A good laugh is always helpful it implies understanding and shifts the lead to you. By watching some of the images/videos with your husband? (‘Oh, lets us see what is that you like… and just smile!) he might be very surprised about you taking an interest without judging in a simply inquisitive, factual and humorous, friendly way. When you judge people they pull away, when you try to understand and validate them (even if you don’t agree with them) they feel closer to you and sometimes they even start judging and correcting themselves. This approach will also take away the ‘secrecy’ element which is usually the most exiting part and he might start projecting the sexual impact onto you.

    Some non-agressive ‘mirroring’ of his behaviour can also work ex. casually mentioning (again with a friendly smile!) what kind of men do you fancy (some other type than him) and watching appropriate footages, downloading a few images (doesn’t have to be openly sexual, could be of a handsome singer, actor or of a successful school friend etc) saying with a sweet smile ‘those are your files and these are mine’, – you can say casually in a friendly way that you are ‘leaning from him’ to spice up your sex life. Your husband will be presented with a mirror image of himself. Chances are he will not like this but as it is not confrontational from your part but friendly he will initiate working through the issue himself or drop some of his behaviour.

    Also, a little bit of male competition can make a man see you in a more attractive light. I have a friend who is middle aged, flat in the chest and not particularly attractive: she is adored by her much younger successful, handsome husband (and many other men): when he is inattentive she tells him that men take an interest in her on the street/shops/beach, she brigs home flowers, speaks of small courtesies as though got from (platonic) admirers (in fact nothing of the sort happens) – it works every time!

    Basically your husband has to grasp that you are willing to be close to him as his ally not his judge but he also has to give you respect and build trust by spending time with you, listening to you with acceptance, opening up to you and sharing with you some of his ‘darker’ side so that it becomes non threatening to your relationship. It might be easier for him to achieve this if he can see that you are are just human too and have your own attractions, interests outside of your relationship, yet you chose to be with him. That is if you can forgive him for his failings and see more good then bad in your marriage, have a hope for improvement and are willing and wanting to continue working on your marriage.

    [Reply]

  • Taylor Says:

    Iv been having a lot if issues with my guy latley. And reading this article makes me feel both better and more worried. I have a question I need a mans opinion on.
    When my guy and me first got together we has sex constantly. All the time. It was great things were going very smooth. But all the sudden recently we stopped. He jus stopped wanting to he watches porn more then we have sex now. Now he’s mentioned a couple times (I’m a little on the heaveyer side. Not huge but not skinny, which makes it a little harder for me to fo certain things, like being on top for example) he’s mentioned my weight, and said he’s tired of doing all the work. Which I completely understand, I’d get frustrated too. But we stopped sex almost all together. So my question is: if he’s already bored with our sex life, will that maybe cause him to cheat in the near future? He says he doesn’t and will never want to leave me. But if as you say the relationship is all about the sex , which at this point is nonexistent, will he be more tempted to go to someone who can please him better? He also gets upset when I don’t want to go down on him ( iv had an issues with my jaw dislocating in the past, so I don’t like bid cuz my jaw tends to lock up)

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Chris Rock ( the comedian) said something that is simplistic but also true. A woman can’t go backwards in lifestyle and a man can’t go backwards sexually. Meaning, if you have a good job and a nice house when you met your woman you better keep that up. If she has to downgrade her situation she’s not going to be too happy. Likewise if a woman does all these awesome things in bed, and then stops doing those things, the guy is not going to be too happy.

    You mention not going down on him anymore. I can tell you straight up, if a guy was used to great head and then it stopped it would be a huge problem. It would eat at most guys like a cancer. I know it would for me.

    I know I’ll get the shit kicked out of me by the ladies when they read this, but a history of jaw dislocation is not a very good excuse. If you can eat, you can give great head. There are all sorts of techniques you can use to create the feeling a a deep blowjob without deep throating. You’d be surprised how just some moaning, slurping sounds, and some enthusiasm can drive a guy crazy. Great head is part physics, part psychological and part slight of hand. Women who give great head are very much like great magicians. The set up, build up, and the presentation is more important that the trick.

    You also mention weight. You didn’t say whether you’ve gained weight or are the same weight as when you met. If you’re the same it’s pretty lame and pathetic of him to bring it up now. if you gained, depending on his preferences it could reduce his attraction. But I don’t think it’s the weight. It rarely is. Usually its all the other stuff that’s much harder to express so it get’s reduced to something simple like “you’re too heavy”.

    You also didn’t mention how long you’ve been together. If it’s under a couple of years this could be the beginning of the end. If it’s been five or more, it’s probably manageable if you are both willing to address this and make having a great sex life you’re number one priority.

    As for boredom, that happens but it’s so easy to fix. Here’s an example of how the slightest variation can have such strong effects. Last year my partner got a spray tan. She has a coupon and just did it for kicks. She’s naturally pale, which I like, but when she came home she had a tan. But the tan wasn’t a tun on. I don’t care about tans. When she was undressing I saw the tan lines where her thong underwear was. She said “I bet this will turn you on, it’s like being with a different woman”. I said “I doubt that, it’s just some tan lines.”

    Boy oh boy was she right. It was hot! After we had sex I told her she sure guessed that one correctly. It did make the sex a bit more exiting and special. I get the same charge as when she re-dyes her hair, wears a new outfit, lets her hair naturally waves or when she straightens it. She really takes care of herself and has incredible taste and she’s sexier than ever. So I’m really lucky. She doesn’t look like a “mom”. Of course I in turn do my best. I’m really fit, try to keep as clean as possible and replace my clothes before they turn into complete rags. So both of us put in effort both in and out of bed.

    When it comes to sex, enthusiasm is way underrated. Enthusiasm is probably more important than anything really. Without enthusiasm sex is very close to masturbation.When your partner lets you know they desire you, when you bring variety into your sexual routines a it makes a huge difference.

    Sounds like you both have lost that enthusiasm. He also need to stop using porn for a while. When porn becomes a substitute for real intimacy or it becomes a requirement to fuel desire, it’s a huge problem and not acceptable.

    There are clearly things going on that he’s not expressing. Just saying sex is boring and you’re too fat, so I’m going to stop having sex and watch porn doesn’t make any sense. You don’t just close down because of something like that. You talk about, you put in the effort to improve things, you set goals, and then review the results. Then you repeat the process over and over again until you die. Long term relationships take serious effort, periodic reevaluation, and ongoing adjustments to work. I don’t know if he’s ready to do that. Best thing to do is just ask him. If he says yes, then you work out a plan and follow through.

    Also, who shares the most blame is not important or helpful. All you can really do is change your behavior. Since we are social creatures, how other people behave effects our behavior greatly. So you have more power than you think.

    Oh, and your guy will cheat if he’s a cheater and he won’t if he’s not. Claiming you were driven to cheat is one of the biggest lies that cheating guys love to promote. Being unhappy will of course increase the chance of a cheater cheating as it gives them a convenient excuse for their behavior, but cheaters cheat because they are self indulgent cowards. It’s no different than those people who steal from their employer because they don’t think they get paid enough. They steal because they are thieves. The salary is an excuse to absolve themselves of guilt so they can continue to feel great about themselves. So there is nothing you can do to stop him from cheating, but there are plenty of things you both can do to fix things if you both choose too.

    It’s a bummer that sex has so much dominance over our lives considering how little time it actually occupies.

    [Reply]

  • Margaret Says:

    Okay, I have a question for you. I’ve never told anyone the things I’m about to tell you but I feel as though it’s necessary because, after reading your blog (this post, especially) I really want some honest insight and I feel as though you are THE person to ask. I apologize beforehand for the length, and it’s nearly 6AM so I’m tired and just kind of typing this as the thoughts come to me.

    But first…I’m 22, my fiance is 28. We’ve been together for 4 years and we have a 2 year old son. In April (of 2012), we moved to a different state. That may or may not be relevant to any of this.

    I was on my computer and was wanting to visit a website but could not remember the exact web address. I’m a blogger so I like to have lots of tabs open as well as my computer’s history on my browser in case I accidentally close a tab. Surely enough, that happened, so I checked my history on my browser. Low and behold, I found some links to some Yahoo article that talked about the 4th of July and “why men loved flag bikinis,” it naturally had a picture of a beautiful, big chested blonde with a flag bikini top (wasn’t a full body shot).

    Backtracking…Before we moved, I found naked pictures of the show Top Chef’s host (I forgot her name because we haven’t watched the show since this incident, I think it’s Padma? that used to be our favorite show to watch together, btw) on the computer. I think that this incident happened in the Fall of 2011, I honestly can’t remember when exactly. I confronted him about it and told him how I felt, which is that it hurt my feelings and that it told me that he doesn’t respect me or our relationship by being secretive. I even told him that I don’t care if he looks but to not hide it from me. All I ask, literally, is honesty.

    I have basically no self-confidence, I never really have because of my weight. I’ve always been overweight but I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been (I’ve gained probably 50-60lbs since we’ve been together) as of right now and I can honestly say that I just don’t really take care of myself. I’m a stay-at-home mom and we are currently potty training our toddler so I literally usually only do the bare minimum as far as my appearance, if that. I just don’t feel like it. And I know that that isn’t an excuse, but I just don’t feel that there’s a point to making my hair all pretty and putting on make up and shaving every time I feel the slightest prickle on my legs when I’m at home nearly all day every day. I look miserable, I feel miserable, yeah. So all of that is probably my entire problem which might defeat the purpose of me posting this comment, but I’d still like your insight if you’re willing to give it to me. And I want it straight. I do product reviews on my blog and I was accepted into a weight loss program so I’m really hoping that this is my time to get back to where I was. And I hope it helps with our relationship, because I honeslty can’t blame him for looking at pictures. He doesn’t look at other women or watch porn that I know of. He says he doesn’t masturbate but I could honestly care less if he did because I do and I find it to be natural, which it is.

    And, I’m not sure if this is at all relevant, but we’re doing the whole paycheck to paycheck thing, we’re just having a hard time financially so it’s added some stress.

    As far as the sex goes, everything has been pretty steady. The frequency of the sex of course dropped after I had our son but, ever since he was born the sex has been pretty much the same. The only thing he does that annoys me is that he constantly picks at me about blowjobs. I’ve given him one, and he was actually my first, but this was back in our first year of being together. I didn’t like the idea of it before I actually did it but I wanted to try it so that I could rightfully say that I either like or dislike it. I didn’t enjoy it, from what I could tell, he did. I have a small mouth so I literally struggled the entire time, and afterwords my jaw hurt incredibly bad. It’s basically something I never want to do ever again. Ever since then he’s picked at me about it and how I don’t give him blowjobs, an example being…I sit on the floor when I’m on the computer, he sits on the couch behind me. When I get up for whatever reason, I have to lean towards him to get up, and he’ll go “Oh…you wanna..?” and he kinda playfully pulls my head towards his, yeah, “man area,” lol. Anyway, he picks at me pretty much daily or every other day — SOME kind of reference to a blowjob. Most of the time I just ignore it but, it gets old. He knows it annoys me but he keeps doing it but I just try to brush it off. I would be possibly open to giving him a blowjob in the future because I figured I could work on it some more, but I found out (last year) that I have an STD and I contracted it from him. Okay, I’m not going to skirt around it, it’s herpes. First time I’ve told anyone, literally, so forgive the awkwardness from now on in this post. Since I’m telling you and, hey, everyone else who reads this blog. But, whatever. I’m done caring. Anyway, I do NOT want to get the virus in my mouth, which is why I absolutely refuse to give him a blowjob now. I haven’t actually told him that that’s the reason why I’m not. I figured he would know, but maybe I should be direct and up front about it? I read online that men prefer that, but maybe you can tell me what I should do about THAT issue (the whole blowjob thing). Or would he just continue to do it? And is there a reason as to why he keeps picking at me?

    Anyway…the pictures are my main issue. Well, it’s why I originally wanted to post a comment but I figured I’d throw that in there to get your input on it as well. Sorry if it’s TMI. I was honestly just ready to call it quits with our relationship after I saw the most recent web history because lately all I feel is hurt, because of the pictures (both incidents) and the whole blowjob thing. He knows that it hurts my feelings, etc…all of that. But, after reading this post I decided to stop thinking about ditching our relationship and it kind of inspired me to just…not worry about the pictures, oddly enough. I’m really glad that I came across your blog. So, I would love any insight you could give me. I know that the paragraph where I described myself is probably the problem and that I need to concentrate on working on myself, but I wanted to hear it from a man’s point of view in case there’s anything else or any underlying issues that I need to talk out with him, etc…

    [Reply]

    Kate Reply:

    I know you are expecting an answer from the expert man’s point of view of ‘Straight Dope Dad’ but as there isn’t one yet here, I though I’d share some of my experiences with you which might be helpful for you to consider.

    First about weight: I have always been a good medium size, not skinny nor overweight, reasonably fit and most men find me attractive. My last relationship was with a man who in looks was compatible with me (people would comment ‘what a beautiful couple’ we were) but it turned out later that his sexual preference was for large sized women, what he called BBW. At first he just seemed not too interested in sex, then he started to make hurtful comments about how ‘skinny’ I was, when I was asleep was checking out lingerie catalogues and asking me questions about the models, checked out every large sized woman who walked by on the street and went on to watch BBW porn on my computer first covertly and later openly as he thought it was amusing to see my reaction. Although I tried to embrace this by giving him the chance to watch what he like together and talking about it hoping we could somehow work out fitting this into our relationship he could not share what he called his ‘dark side’. My self-confidence plummeted from reasonable to non existent and I started to see myself as unattractive and ‘too thin’.

    We have now split up and I am working on readjusting my self-image but I am still struggling to find myself attractive and my sex drive has suffered – my looks haven’t changed only the way I feel about myself. One good thing though came out of this experience: years of worrying about my waistline now seem completely ridiculous and I now truly understand that attraction is not in size or shape but in preference : ‘beauty is in the eyes of the beholder’ (the viewer not the object). Think of it this way: for some men you are a beauty queen. A partner we love can have a decisive effect on our self-image: appreciative looks from other men seem to do little for boosting my confidence: we need the approval of a loved one not of everybody.

    So it seems to me that if your partner has glanced at few pictures of other women whom he finds attractive but does not do it regularly and this situation does not escalate into other things and outright hurting you then really it isn’t that bad. After all as you say with masturbation (you do it and don’t mind it if he does) you too could be checking out Johnny Depp or some other handsome guy but not really giving it much thought.

    To keep attractive, interesting and ‘novel’ in a relationship when you are living with someone is a challenge. It is hard even when you don’t have children yet alone when you do. When trying to lose weight it is helpful to realise that your body needs to take in enough calories to keep up its size: hence the larger you are the hungrier you get and the more weight you lose the less amount of food you need so you will get less and less hungry: don’t be putt off by the initial feelings of hunger because as days go by you will feel it less. Replacing starches in meals with lots of green leaf salad with mini-toppings of my favourite foods used to work best for me as this way you never starve and can have all the things I enjoy. Don’t worry about your size (apart from a health point of view), put on some confidence (even if you don’t feel it now – it will come) Dressing up is an appearance, a show, simply changing colours has a powerful effect and you can do it on a shoestring: buy yourself (or make or find one in your wardrobe) one black mini or midi skirt for sexiness, one A-line one for prettiness and one fitting dress for going out (you can alter these as you lose weight) and have 4-6 inexpensive colour tops to change (red for attraction, blue for romance, black for sexiness and white, green and yellow for freshness) with a few accessories which fit in with your guy’s fantasies worn with a flattering bra and underwear (in your guys favourite colour). If you can’t afford perfume, use essential oils (jasmine, rose) or natural extracts (for cooking) of vanilla or orange.

    I sympathise with the technical difficulties and lack of enthusiasm for a blow job: I understand that men like watching women do it but I am put off by being seen in such a position and find it easier to do it with enthusiasm if my partner can’t actually see my face though I realise that that might defeat the object for him. When my partner was doing the same for me it was mechanical I had the impression that he was just putting on a show of enjoying it so I couldn’t let go. A period of just fantasising about giving him a blow job can help in finding out for yourself what enjoyment could you get out of this experience, what would turn you on about it. If you can’t think of anything outright then try fantasising about it when you masturbate as this way you could train yourself to link the idea with enjoyment. What your partner does when he insinuates a blow job seems disrespectful but obviously he fantasises about it a lot. May be you could surprise him once by taking him up on it once you have worked out for yourself how (where, when, which way, your position, how much etc) you would like it to be to make it interesting for you. You could also try not taking it to climax just teasing him as foreplay or ‘to be continued’ later. To start with (or if you can’t bring yourself to do it then altogether) you could just masturbate him with a lubricant as though you were giving a blow job (near your face and mouth).

    About the blow job and STD – if you have ever given him one chances are you have the virus already in your mouth – sometimes it just doesn’t show any symptoms: you could ask to be tested for this. I’v also heard that although it is considered incurable sometimes people can ‘clear it’ from their system.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Sorry Margaret for not noticing your post earlier. Sometimes my blog doesn’t alert me to new comments. Kate has some great advice and her past has some interesting parallels to yours. The blowjob thing is tough. I personally can’t live without them, although I feel the same way about eating pussy. They are both way, way, at the top of must haves in my sex life. Overall, it’s seems like your situation has a lot of potential for great improvement. I don’t see any overtly psychotic or abusive behavior from either of you so that’s a big plus. You hubby is being kind of a dick about the blowjob teasing, but it’s also completely understandable. Once a guy has a taste of one type of sex it’s nearly impossible to go back to not having it without feeling resentful. I know many women will probably disagree with this, but you really should make getting comfortable with blowjobs a priority. I would say the same thing if you were a guy complaining about eating pussy. You need to step up and please your partner and learn to enjoy it. Blowjobs are equal part showmanship and physical act. You can do a lot with just being enthusiastic, moans, and slobbering noises while barely touching his cock. Use mostly your hands, keep them moist and moving, and use your mouth mainly on the head and down the shaft. You don’t have to deep throat. If you double pump with your hands while just letting the head of his cock slide in and out of your mouth and inch it will feel like an incredible deep throat experience to your partner. He will not know the difference and he will feel deeply loved, appreciated and manly.

    As for the extra weight and not putting the effort into your appearance. You already know that needs to change, if not for your partner, then for yourself. You need to feel attractive and sexy. We all do. This in turn will make you sexy to your partner. My partner gives a lot of attention to her appearance. She get’s a professional cut every six weeks and a color every nine. She works out regularly and her attire is very sexy and contemporary. I’m stimulated all day long. I also keep in great shape, try hard to give way my favorite clothes before they become rags, and keep myself reasonably clean. I’m always clean and shaven before sex. We both do this primarily to please our own standards of how we like to present ourselves, but it’s also nice to know that it turns our partners on as well.

    After 24 years together and one child we are still hot for each other and that’s by design. The great part is that a fulfilling, long term sex life with your partner is within anyone’s reach if you are both committed to it. You two sound like you have the building block to make that happen should you both choose to.

    As Kate said, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and you’re probably a lot more attractive and sexy to your partner than you think.

    [Reply]

    Margaret Reply:

    Thanks so much for the replies, both you and Kate.

    While I don’t feel like doing much as far as my appearance (fixing my hair all nice, putting on a little make-up, putting clothes on when I have my PJ’s on, etc…), I can see how it would be contributing to part of my problem, at least with my self-confidence. Sometimes I don’t feel like it’s worth it, other times I don’t feel it will help, and part of me doesn’t want to use up my make-up every day because we aren’t in the best place financially and it can get expensive. But, I DO always feel better about myself when I have some make-up on and my hair looks nice, so I guess I just need to have a better mindset about myself and that it will translate in my relationship with my hubby.

    And as far as everything else (the extra weight, the sex), I guess it’s just mind over matter in the end.

    Thanks again — so glad that I commented.

  • Lauren Says:

    Your article has been the best one that I’ve read so far. I found that it was quite no BS and down to the point. Here is my situation:

    I have been with my bf for 2 and a half years now and we have sex quite often, probably 1 or 2 times a day about 6 days a week. The sex has gotten quite good, and we are both pretty honest about our fantasies and kinks. I know that he will masturbate to porn as well in that day, if I am at work and he is home. So that is getting off about 3 or times in a day sometimes for him. The thing is that it bugs me when we have sex the second time we have it that day because I know that he’s masturbated to porn earlier. I’ve almost become obsessed with monitoring how much energy it takes him and ejaculate he has when we are having sex. I even get upset sometimes when it takes him longer to cum because I am guessing he has just masturbated a couple hours before we had sex. Why have I become so obsessed with this? I know that it’s ok for him to masturbate when I am not there, but I guess it just bugs me to know that he’s more spent by the time it comes to us having sex. Especially when there is barely any ejaculate or it takes him longer. This doesn’t happen all the time but maybe once every couple weeks.

    We have sex so much I just don’t get why he needs to jerk off in that same day? I can’t bring it up with him because I don’t want to scare him off. I also just want to let him do what he is going to do.

    I’d also like to hear what you think from a man’s point of view on if you think I’m overreacting and I should just be happy with what we have.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    First, congratulations. Sounds like you two have a great thing going. I’m guessing you’re both quite young (under 25) If you’re in your 30′s or older, then I doubly congratulate you.

    Now from a man’s point of view, yes, you are definitely over reacting. It’s almost like you’re fishing for a problem to get all worked up about.

    I don’t masturbate that much anymore, because at 46, I don’t have all this excess sexual energy I need to get rid of. But even if I’m not masturbating the intensity of my orgasms and the amount of ejaculate varies.

    Last night sex was really intense and great fun, but my orgasm was just so-so. Don’t know why, it just was.

    Sexually, all that you should be concerned about is if he’s an attentive, giving, and eager sexual partner. The quality of his ejaculate or how long it takes him to get off is really none of your business as long as you’re getting your needs met.

    Now, if he starts passing on sex, or having performance issues because he’s been masturbating too much, then yes, that’s a problem. And by performance I mean the whole experience – from beginning to end. Nobody wants to be with someone who’s just going through the motions and lacks energy and enthusiasm.

    As for why you are so obsessed about this, I don’t know. Some people are more prone to obsessive thoughts. Do you tend to do this about other things? I could also be a sign that you’re relationship is just too awesome, so to have something to complain about you’ve picked this. The better the relationship the more pointless and mundane the disagreements generally are.

    [Reply]

    Lauren Reply:

    Thank you so much for your reply. This does make me feel better. I am in my late twenties and he is in his early 30′s. This has actually been a factor for me in a previous relationship. I am not prone to obsessive thoughts and am a typically passive type of person, in which I was wondering why this sticks out to me. He is overall a giving, eager person in bed and cares about my pleasure. The only thing I can think of was that I had several sexual encounters when I was a child of 8 years, with a pedophile (not physical but several indecent exposures to me involving him masturbating in front of me). I don’t think those events affected me too much because in every other way I feel like I have a healthy sexual relationship. Except for the obsessing!

    But thank you. The fact that you think I might be overreacting and it is normal for a man to masturbate in the same day that we have sex makes me feel better.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Oh boy I don’t even know where to begin. I thoroughly understand and agree with most things and your a wonderful writer. I’ve been married for 21 years but been with my husband for 27 years. Early on in our relationship he was very much the jealous one. He was married when I met him (so hey, I already new he is a cheater) but his then wife finally got tired of his shit and moved on, so he ended up with me, we eventually moved into an apartment together. He liked his porn then, at that time yes it bothered me which seems to be an average response from women but I liked porn too. I guess I was embarassed at the fact that I did and what I liked to see but still had insecurities about myself as to why he needed (excuse me, wanted) to watch it. So I think from what I can remember from so long ago I may have pitched a bitch about it on a few occasions before we started watching it together and enjoying ourselves alot more. Then we got our first computer. At a time when webcams were popular and he would watch the ladies on their cams and I’d get pissed of course, taking it personally. Then he says to me (oh and in the years before he was super jealous if any men looked at me like it was my fault for the way I looked or what I would wear and made my life hell pretty much) but he could still do what the other guys were doing no problem, go figure!) anyway he says to me, I think you would be good at this, you should look into it .. I was told if I got the computer I should be making money from it, yeah so you can jerk off to it sure ok. So I did it, For 10 years mainly in my 30′s I worked for some popular adult sites, submitting photos, doing livecams and I think that helped me with my insecurities about myself and the porn thing .. because now naturally it was his job to look at porn and promote me, which he was good at getting me in a magazine and on tv with playboy and howard stern. I mean generally life was good sexually in my mind frame and I felt as hot as I was viewed to be to him and other men. But I carried the bulk of home life on my shoulders, with two kids and one being aspergers .. life was really hard and most of my worries and thoughts revolved around my kids, keeping up with the house, school stuff .. the normal shit that my husband just wasn’t on the same page with me on. I felt most of the responsibilities fell on my shoulders, I could care less why then .. just the thought of not feeling equal was enough for me to be angry. Then seeing most of his time was spent on the computer and tv staying up all night while I slept because I had to get up early and take care of things and on days he didn’t work he slept all day and just deprived himself of sleep on the days he worked. Alot of times I would wake up to him jerking off to a video we had made of when another guy joined us for sex. Well I guess that got old lol. So I started getting ancy about what was keeping him occupied all night (and this was a few years after I quit doing adult work). I put a program on the computer that allows me to see what he was seeing in realtime as if I were sitting next to him watching him surf and I have to say I didn’t find any porn. That kind of upset me. What I was finding was him looking at photos of other women. He had always told me that he needed action to get off from porn .. I had accepted that and I do too. Also he had to jerk off a bunch to get rid of his sperm so probably at a time when my mental status was already weak after having to have an abortion which I had mixed emotions over at the time he says .. I said to the dr I should get the playboy channel because then he can jerk off all the time (not sure of exact words but yeah). His cousin was always sending him naked photos of women some jokes .. some not. I noticed he was looking more at women with dark hair (Im blonde ok and yes he pretty much looks at everything its just that the majority of what seems to stop his heart is the dark haired lovelies nowadays) .. and of course much younger than me then entering my 40′s. I could go on for hours but my problem is WHY am I am like this now, why does my mind revolve around him and what he does. My son is no longer the chore he used to be, my daughter is 20 still lives at home with her boyfriend here so I should be enjoying life. Instead every moment of every day my thoughts race about the 4 minute video that got him off, a stupid extra from a movie .. but at times he can’t get it up for me even takwing cialis. That hasnt happened lately but there was a long stretch of when it happened all the time. We have mind blowing sex and he is really trying to NOT look at other women or gawk at them I should say. He also tells me he doesn’t fantasize about the women he looks at, Sorry find it hard to believe. He has also lied about numerous other things too. And I’m sure there is a whole bunch of other stuff I don’t know about and rather not. So now how this whole uglyness evolves, and he is very limited to the visual stimulation he can get at home, I think he is just getting it from work. We usually have sex every day and once we went three days without .. that night when he came home from work he had some cum in his underwear and barely any cum that night when we had sex, yet he said he hadn’t masturbated in months .. really? If there is nothing wrong with it then why doesn’t he just tell me the truth? Simply because its hard for me to hear right now being as fragile as I am? Even when I appeared to have no problem with it and I mentioned about seeing everything he had been doing online its still supposed to be a big secret because he says I’m alone. Well back then he was alone alot. So would he rather be alone? I can arrange that because to be quite honest in my horrible time of whatever it is I’m going through I feel like either making him run or running myself. Not for another man Noooo, I would never want to be in a relationship again. It’s too hard. He is really trying when he is around me and at home like I said, even has been doing so much more around the house. Then again I have changed a few things too. I can no longer sleep at night because thats when all of his fun begins. So if he isn’t having sex with me, he ain’t having sex in his head either (so he has had to become more inventive on where and how he satisfies that man in him.. yeah like at work where his mags are probably in his locker). I am very enthusiastic in bed, and I suck his cock like I worship every inch of it. I feel though, like I’m totally insane at the same time and still have vicious thoughts of all I’ve seen him see and then about the things I don’t know about. My gyn calls me and tells me I have a sexually transmitted disease about a year ago and I know I haven’t been with anyone else and I also know if my husband is not at work he is home .. so I have no idea how that happened unless he had someone at work but he says he has never cheated on me during our living together/married life. Do I expect him to tell me he has if I’d never find out? yeah I don’t think so. Its a shame because I can’t prove otherwise and neither can he, alls I know is that I got something that Im certain didnt come from another man with me. He proclaims his love for me and is affectionate and just wants me to be happy, of course because that makes a smoother life for him. I’m also the one that wants sex more now apparently .. he says I get mad if we miss a night. He I guess doesn’t care because he can get off in 4 minutes to woman sucking a lolipop or eating a banana which is much less work than being with me. The one he has been doing for the past nearly 30 years. I really really want to get past this, I do have good days, but my bad days are really bad. I’ve mentioned counseling and even wanted to go to emergency psych when I felt like killing myself because I can’t stand the thoughts anymore but my husband says counseling would be wasted money and he didn’t want me to leave him to go to psych because I’d most likely be there for a few days at LEAST. Well, then he would have his alone time which he so enjoys .. I just don’t understand it. He tiptoes around me to get his fix, I can give him his alone time and he doesn’t take it. Or maybe he would rather waste about 10 grand on my funeral so that not only is he wasting money but hes alone too. See where my thoughts always end up? Now since it happens when I sleep and when he is alone I get extremely ancy about sleeping or when he is alone. But I’m tired of it. He is tired of it. How do I make it stop?? Ya know I catch him in lies all the time. I don’t know if truth would help, like yeah I love to look at other women and yeah I do keep mags at work since I can’t do anything at home with images anymore or just give me the brutal honesty, make it all of my problem and not hide shit that makes me wonder what else your hiding. I really dont’ know what I need but I do know its gotta stop now or else something very drastic is going to happen and I’m so scared of the outcome. Also you say that in one case here when a guy is fantasizing about another women in his life it takes away from his current relationship, well whats the difference in fantasizing about one person in their lives as opposed to several who they would never meet? That doesn’t affect anything?

    [Reply]

    Claire Reply:

    Fantasizing about someone he actually knows is something that comes naturally. However the people he knows are not showing them their ‘private areas’. Watching porn women are in fact ‘real women’ showing their ‘private sexual acts’. I feel that is worse. If he’s not listening to you, then your connection will be broken and then that will lead to you distancing yourself from him and eventually if nothing is done you will find a connection somewhere else. (In my opinion).

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Well why is he doing this more now than ever? Or have I just been blind because I used to have self esteem. I have a gut feeling he fucked my best or got a blow job or something sexual years ago but they both cant remember a thing other than my husband says she pulled on his zipper and she says she flirted with him .. now if my marraige depended on defense .. you better believe I would remember what the hell happened from start to finish. Also if my husbands friend was sleeping over and my husband crashed on the couch and his friend pulled on my zipper .. I’d wake him up! Instead I wake up in the am to find my friends clothes on the floor at the bottom of my bed and my husband sleeping peacefully. I want to the truth before I die. Nobody deserves to have that kind of fun and walk away from it in my opinion. I usually always trust my gut. My husband said it was tramatic for him, so much so he forgets what happened. Then when I told him I was going to tell her that he told me all about what happened to get her to open up he almost cried .. what do ya think?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Wow. That was a lot to process. Your problems are way beyond the typical “too much porn” stuff. You’re missing the foundation of all successful relationships and that is trust. Without it there is really nothing to hold onto because you don’t know what’s real. That’s probably the number one reason you feel unstable. When there is a lack of trust , or someone is lying to you, it robs you of your ability to make informed decisions that are in your best interest. If you had 100% trust in him and you both operated with complete honesty, all the other stuff would be manageable and ultimately solvable.

    Also, you are also both really intense. I’m surprised you two have been able to sustain this life for so long. So I guess you must be compatible on some level. Which is good.

    Then there’s all the contradictions in your relationship. Just the part of him getting jealous if another man even looks at you but then goes and helps you become sex worker is a mind bender. But it sounds like your kids are grown so its would be easier than ever to bring some sanity and order to your life without worrying about the collateral damage.

    As far as fantasizing about other women, that’s not sustainable as it draws energy away from your relationship and sows the seeds of discontent. But that’s completely different that passing sexual thoughts about random women or watching porn. When I talk about fantasizing being harmful and mean investing mental energy in creating an alternate life scenario in your head about someone else. That’s what kills relationship because no one can compete with a fantasy.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    To the woman who posted earlier, I’m actually ok with porn because there is action going on and thats what he is getting off to, I have more of a problem with him fantasizing about women he could actually touch .. or just looking at photos of other women and getting off on that because then he is lusting over the woman – not a sexual act persay. And I dont know how to get past this ugly feeling whenever we are around other attractive womem in public or in the media .. or if I find he has been looking at other women online, I dont want to feel this way it sucks!!

    [Reply]

    Claire Reply:

    I see your point there. A very good one too. Well the way I see it, it’s natural for a women to want to be beautiful especially for her man. Isn’t it similar to the male animals to look as bright as possible to attract the female. When a women sees that her man is looking at other attractive women that is a threat. A natural one, and yes it does make you feel like shit. These other women take complete visual focus away from you and that is a part of who you are. He looks somewhere else then he’s getting that somewhere else. What’s the point in trying so hard to look good. (oh ya but he loves you) that’s what they say. How’s about I love him but emotional stimulation somewhere else. or whatever is their equivelant. (probably not very productive but maybe admin guy can say something more optimistic.)

    [Reply]

    Amanda Reply:

    Exactly, he thinks I should be ok with everything “as long as his dick is dry” as he put it. So I say well how about I seek out other men to give me attention then .. go get my emotional needs met elsewhere .. no sex involved there. He wouldnt like that at all! He had a HUGE problem with other men checked me out when I used to work outside the home away from him. And I think the mind bender of the online sex is because he was WITH me ALL the time, I didnt do it alone or else yeah he probably would get jealous. But for the past 10-15 years I’ve either not worked, did the internet thing and now I work from home .. so of course there is nothing for him to feel threatened by .. I’m never around anyone. I’m isolated!! Maybe I need to get out in the world – without him so he can have a wonder. And no, going out with my parents which I do pretty often doesn’t count LOL he thinks it does.

    [Reply]

    Claire Reply:

    It’s an incredibly isolating problem also. We are put into categories such as ‘needy ‘insecure’ ‘feminists’ ‘religious’. I’m none of those but that’s the response i get if i try to talk to someone.
    Now admin guy deleted a link I put up once but i’ll give it a shot again. Take it or leave it but this woman described my situation so accurately. She described my reaction as a ‘healthy reaction’ which I truely believe is right. Maybe I won’t put the link but if you google the social costs of pornography and watch the video called the impact of pornography on women.

    Amanda Reply:

    I’ve probably seen it, but once again it is not the porn for me that tears me up inside. It was his increased time he was spending on the computer looking at models or celebs or whatever and his increased focus on women when we go out .. I mean really harder looking and scoping. If he says it aint no big deal and it means nothing then even before I had a problem with it, why if I’m in the room he zooms past the photos he takes his time with when Im not around. Also he puts on a stupid cheesy movie just because it has tits and ass in it then when I wake up in the middle of the night to go downstairs he pretends to be sleeping while on the computer with just putting this movie on .. how do I know that you ask? lol .. first of all he is NOT the easiest guy to wake up and he popped right up when I gave him a light nudge – second he said he was watching the show before that which was on a different channel alltogether. If your gonna be a man then be a man and tell me the damn truth ya know what I mean? And why is he trying to hide something before all of our shit hit the fan? Whats the big secret? Whats the big deal? That makes me think he is longing for something else and these were the first steps to it. We’ve been through ALOT in the past 3 years, we are both trying to make it better but I can cut the tension with a knife whenever a sexy woman or girl, teens even are around. Someone told me HE needs help, but I just want to stop with my suspicions and racing thoughts, they drive me completely insane. Three days may pass having non stop thoughts to everything he says or does or whatever is going on at the moment .. and I could be quiet .. then I get the itch to dig in and open my big mouth because I can’t stand whats going on in my head anymore. Because I dont feel like I can ever redeem myself with him and I think this makes his looking even hotter for him doing something “forbidden” by the wife. Like almost the same gratification that might come from actually cheating. I just want to be strong and not care about this bullshit anymore. But my mind has a mind of its own (yeah as I’m sure my husbands mind does too). So here I am stuck!

  • Amanda Says:

    And I know this is something he is going to do altho more carefully AROUND me now than in the recent past and I just want him to admit he is getting something out of it .. because by the look on his face his mind is churning .. and I dont think its a milisecond thought when he stares for much longer than that. And I also want him to admit that he needs the variety .. I mean I’ve read that outside of actually having a variety of women men can get that from fantasizing about other women, he claims he doesnt do this, and I think thats bullshit. His eyes actually glaze over when he is in a deep stare at either a photo or a woman on the street and he ill actually make faces at both.. especially women on the street- I guess he is looking for a response look back? Like thats mental contact .. idc what anyone says. If your smiling or making his sexy face hes looking for something in return.

    [Reply]

  • Straight Dope Dad Says:

    Would you like me to give you each other’s emails so you can talk directly? I don’t want my blog to turn into a place to have extended private conversations.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    nah I ill move on knowing you only want single poster and your comment back, its your blog. Thanks for the insights.

    [Reply]

  • sdd Says:

    I must say…a verywellexplained article….i have a few doubts though

    my husbNd always watches porn while i am right there sleeping nxt to him..is int this a lil annoying?
    Would this article be accepted in the right sense by men if you were to replace the role of men to women??
    Hw can someone feel comfrtable when thher man is fantacising about another women who is a frequent visitor?? Do u still say that it is just to jerk it off??all said i have a good sexual life and a very active one…But …….there is this menyal insecurity…is he thinkinv of someone else?? Shud women start telli tlking biut attractive men???

    [Reply]

  • Ellie Says:

    Ok, So I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my boyfriend watches porn. It will always bother me, but I guess us chicks have to accept it, or find the 3% of the male population that refrains from watching it. My boyfriend has a particularly annoying porn habit. In addition to the normal internet stuff, he looks at pictures and videos of ex girlfriends. On a regular basis. He’s 36, and has been taking porn pics of all of his serious girlfriend’s since he was 19. So, as you can imagine, it’s a lot of pictures, and about a total of 9 girls, myself included. It annoys me more than “regular” porn where the girls are all strangers, and there’s no chance of him actually having sex with them. I have to ask a guy though, why the fascination with the nudie ex girlfriend pics? Especially given that these days finding porn is easier than finding an ATM for your bank. It’s everywhere. And most of the time free. Why do you think he does this? I let him take pictures of me, and he says he looks at them on occasion, so it’s not like I’m a prude. Also, I’m pretty much always horny. He declines me for sex, and I suspect the culprit is porn. Fyi, we’ve been together for two years now. Thanks for your time, and your blog. I look forward to your response.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Collecting, keeping and reviewing old sex photo and videos of his past girlfriends is way out of line when you are in a new relationship that you allegedly take seriously. This has nothing to do with porn and masturbation and everything to do with his sense of self and his ego. I also suspect he does it to let you know he has options. That he’s a guy that can attract hot women that will have sex with him and let him document it. So it’s also a form of control. Could also be a way to keep a certain amount of distance between you to. A from of compartmentalizing your relationship. I’m not saying he’s consciously aware of that, but why else would he feel it’s necessary to keep this stuff? And I don’t mean secretly in a vault never to be seen again. That almost makes sense since it is part of his past and it can be hard to let go of the past. I mean something that he makes you personally aware of, still looks at, and uses for masturbation. I think this points to some very deep issues that may be unsolvable unless he has a revelation about the psychological impulses that drive him to such disrespectful behavior. Only you can decide if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life.

    [Reply]

  • Roxana Says:

    Great article, very informative and I am especially thankful for your replies to the posters here!
    I showed my husband this page ( our sex life took a plunge for the worst when he watched too much orn for 1 year whilst i was immersed in study and work) then he neglected me sexually. Recently we’ve awaken to this, he doesnt think porn is a problem, but he has gone off me slowly when i had rejected him in the past without me knowing it. Now we are decided to imporve our sex life. We have talks about our fantasies and we also had soome amazing sex since we embarked on this road. He recognises I need him sexually and he says he will do his best to get ‘nto me’ again. Sex since then as I said has been kinky and satisfying. Yet his using porn regularly still, bothers me cos now he ‘accepts me’ 2, 3 times a week, but daily he uses porn. Now after reading your article, he has decided to give up porn and masturbation for a week, to see whether he has a problem with addiction, and whether he can focus more of his sexual energies on me. I couldnt have hoped for a better attitude from him, yet i am so nervous!!!! will he find me ‘sufficient’, ‘rediscover’ me, or not!!!! Will keep you updated..

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Please do keep us posted. I think he’ll be much happier when he realizes how daily porn and masturbation drains him sexually and diverts his attention away from you. Nothing wrong with porn and masturbation as a supplement to your sex life. But when it takes away from real sex and intimacy with your partner, it’s a problem. And it’s just not with porn and masturbation. Any behavior that hinders intimacy, appreciation and respect for your partner is bad. If he habitually ate junk food right before dinnertime and it ruined his appetite for the delicious meal you prepared every night, it would be the same thing. We just get confused with these simple rules when sex, porn and masturbation enters the picture.

    [Reply]

    Roxana Reply:

    Will do! a week is a short time but his willingness is flattering to me ad impressive. I explained to him that i dont think masturbation or porn are bad, virile men shouyld naturally feel urges to ‘hunt’ and ‘look/watch’. I explained to him that it will help me reconnect to him and him to me, and redicover things about us, things that we take for granted and that we forgot, like the shivers we felt at the beginning of our sexual relationship. The focus needs to be temporarily shifted to us, i told him i dont want him to feel resentful if he cant handle it, and i wont be disapointed if he cant do it, just to keep the honesty there cos it can help us connect. Huge massive step for him, he’s a techie guy thats been into porn since teenager…i think he is addicted, whereas he thinks not, but i keep my judgement to myself..he’s always beena shy guy awcward with social skills, and ever pursued a girl completely, got rejected twice, but instead he frequiented paid sex whilst he was single. I found out thateven with them, he couldn’t always come, not even with a BJ or HJ from them, and sometimes not even with w_nking himself off whilstlooking at them. I know this is a sympom of being desensitised cos of porn(own had feels better than any woman’s flesh), but he doesn’t suspect so. .. so am happy so happy he chose this exercise… i hope his hopefully higher drive towards me, even though i expect some mechanical sex too, will help him rediscover how good it feels to touch someone’s body rather than dry regular masturbation as a relacement for sexual intercourse….

    [Reply]

  • belle Says:

    What if he says that i am beautiful sexy etc, and when we start having sex he stops and starts watching porn instead of finishing me and leaving me there on the nude, or what if we start having sex and he gets soft and brings up porn to get him hard? Now is he still wanting to be with me and is he still finding me atractive?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s easy. He’s a mental case. If he doesn’t find his behavior disturbing, abusive, and disrespectful, and agree that it’s something he should make a number one priority fix, then he’s a lost cause. Why would you stay with someone like that? Your sex life sounds horrific.

    [Reply]

  • Roxana Says:

    My hubby has decided upon reading this page to quit porn for a week, as I wrote before.. This gives me a dilemma, am pretty nervous, how shouyld I act on this? loving, to build intimacy, take initiative for intimacy or sexual intercourse, or more or less passive so he has to feel the choice of having sex with me, or no pressure from me? I don;t want to ask him cos we talked so much about our sex issues, don;t want to create a heavy athmosphere with pressure, and make him feel like I expect sex, which might put him off. I guess it’s go with the flow..?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’ve found the best way to get your partner in the mood is taking care of the little stuff. Cuddle on the couch while watching your favorite shows. Eat together, at a table, across from each other. Notice when they do something you like and acknowledge it. Be quick with praise and slow with criticism. Kiss goodby when one of you leaves. My partner and I have been experimenting with this for the last month and boy or boy is it the greatest thing in the world.It’s like we are in our twenties again. Our appreciation and fondness for each other has gone way up and our sex life is better than ever – in frequency, intensity and in variety. Basically just be an appreciative and kind person and make sure you engage in loving touch throughout the day.

    [Reply]

    Roxana Reply:

    Thank you… Well an update after 3 days of his abstaining from porn.. Not much, but definitely different behavior from him! Yesterday was Friday, which is a particularly hard day for him (to kill boredom) as he comes home after office hours, whereas I work Fridays evenings. WHen I can home yesterday, he was purring like a pussy-cat, saying he finds it weird and depressing whiteout porn, meaning no many time-fillers, but he will keep the challenge for as long as he can. HE said he noticed himself experiencing different moods at work, amd especially longing for my comforting(not sexual- not sure if he meant that)touch. He’s been reading around porn abstinence and takes it like a personal challenge (he likes stuff like that). We talked about the 100% rate of success stories of guys who quit obsessing to porn.
    He also told me he has stopped MS and porn for a whole month when he was 20, never knew this.. when I asked, he said he was then too fed up by always MS and not getting on with his life.. He could do it for 4 weeks then went back to it.
    Today will be particularly hard for him again as it’s saturday and he will be home alone during office hours. He’s ‘planned’ to sleep longer, wash the car, etc, keep busy until I come back. At this moment in time I feel he is abstaining from me as well, but the up-sides are: he is tellin gme about how he feels about this whole process/challenge; he is not afraid to ask me to touch/comfort him; Last evening, my porn-deprived man mae me feel a special , different connection to him: whilst snuggling on sofa watching TV together, he held me, but not in that ‘automatic’ way as per every night, more like rubbing my back and being more aware of me and himself in the room, lots and lots of eye contact, etc.. So let’s see…
    I see now that it’s not my place, as a real-life partner, to jump straight right in and request/try sex with him. I think we are ‘rebooting’ and reconnecting at a very very basic level. I feel sex from this position will be much more fulfilling.. I feel if I ‘jump’ on him now or him on me, we might have sex but kind of in the same style we had before, without breaking the mould.. We will se, I guess?

    [Reply]

    Roxana Reply:

    Oooh.. JUST WORKED IT OUT… his self imposed porn abstinence includes even staring at my boobs!!! I’m keeping quiet, just teased that I’m not a porn star, and tonight we’ll have some drinks and fun and see what comes out of it..

    Roxana Reply:

    and another thing.. sorry to take so much space… since my man is not looking at porn, I catch him checking me out like a perv really, sneaky looks, never mentions them, an I pretend I don’t notice them. It’s quite uncanny… I’m used to his behavior, I can certainly tell now when he’s snooping or having a quick ‘forgidden’ glance, and when not…

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Awesome. Sounds like things are going well. After 24 years I still check out my partner all the time. I don’t hide how much I’m still turned on by her. Being objectified by strangers on the street is of course tiresome, but from your partner it’s should feel delightful.

  • belle Says:

    Yes, it is i just got married to him couple of months ago he was my first and i was his second. My sex life is horrible, i removed all the porn and he doesn’t seem to have the problem, up until he brings it up. I feel dirty because i have tried to satisfy him and do things that i normally wouldn’t do. I know its not me because i am attractive. I tried talking to him and he got offensive and told me that i am perfect and that he couldn’t be perfect.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Only two months and you’re already having sexual problems that you’d expect after 10 or 15 years and a few kids. Yikes. I feel for you. Two people, who are totally committed to a happy and healthy relationship, can solve just about any problem. But if one doesn’t see there is a problem, or doesn’t care, then there’s not much you can do about it. Your two need an intervention. If this is how it is after only two months you can imaging how bad it will be in five years, or if you should have children. How you go about solving this is up to you of course, but I think the more dramatic the problem, the more dramatic solution. This doesn’t sound like the typical “let’s compromise” stuff you can solve over dinner.

    [Reply]

  • belle Says:

    Yea we’ve tried that but now it seems like its me i cant let it go it hurts to much.

    [Reply]

  • G Says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together a little over one year. I have always known he watches porn. I nagged him for week about it. & yeah, it really NEVER got me any where accept, pushing his ass a little further each time to watch more porn. Cause come on, what Guy wants a woman nagging him about what he does during his private free time? Which I totally get.
    My concern comes into play, when he constantly lies about it. Telling me he hardly watches it any more. Only to find out that yes, he does watch it on a daily basis, while at work. Says he doesn’t even get aroused by it really any more. Why does he watch it & then tell me he doesn’t? Or watch porn as soon as I am not around for an extended amount of time? Just last night, he was frustrated over money issues, get up out of bed angrily and goes into the bathroom, come to find out, he spent his time in their watching porn. He told me he didn’t beat off, but I don’t believe him. He says, so what I watched porn. & I have been furious and hurt all night because I’m like, I was laying right beside you. If u wanted sex, I was here, ready for it. And all he kept saying was that he watched it and didn’t Jack off…. why would any Guy who truly loves their girlfriend, go into a different room while their girlfriend is awake and always ready to have sex, to watch porn? I understand he is mewhat addicted, but damn, I really felt like shit when I found out he had been watching it, not ten steps away from me. I mean, idk after last night, I kinda feel like sex with me just isn’t good enough & that porn was there to sasatisfy his needs. I’m aware of how this will backfire but I don’t even really wanna be with him intimately any more. At least not right now. I was OK with him watching it until he decided to go in the bathroom and probably lie about beating it when I was right here. Plus, what is it with guys and watching porn after they already had aex with their girlfriend

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    G Reply:

    For the day? Last week, he and I were intimate before he went to work and come to find out he went and watched porn, even after we had sex for the day.

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    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    He lies about because he gets punished for it. That ones simple. The other stuff clearly indicates an unhealthy relationship with porn. Is it addiction? I don’t know and I don’t think labeling it makes any difference either way. The problem as usual isn’t the porn watching itself, it’s using porn as a substitute for true intimacy or as an escape. You two need to have a serious, non judgmental, non confrontational discussion about this. And your discussion needs to include a clear actin plan to implement. Talking about things is meaningless without a plan of action to back it up. I’m sure he’s not happy with his porn issues either. Sounds like a burden to me.

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  • Julie M. Says:

    My boyfriend watches porn pretty much daily while I’m in the other room of the house on silent, and then doesn’t jerk off but then comes to have sex with me. This is after we have had sex usually about 2 times that day. Does he have a porn problem? I guess I’m wondering if he needs it to have sex with me sometimes first in order to get turned on? Should I be worried?

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    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s at odd situation. He watches a lot of porn and also has a lot of real sex. How is the relationship otherwise? How is he in bed (attentive, loving, generous?) Are your needs getting met? If you two are young he might have more desire to have sex with you than his libido can sustain with just you as stimulation. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve gone through it, but sometime your desire for your partner exceeds your ability to get hard again. So a guy could have a mind blowing orgasm and then five minutes later he still has the powerful drive to have more sex but his cock won’t cooperate. So he’ll massage his own cock until it gets hard enough again because he is so drained already that only he can provide just the right amount of feedback to get himself hard again. If he’s had sex twice that day and he’s shooting for a third, porn might be the only way to get stimulated enough to do it again because his desire has exceeded his natural ability to get hard again.

    When they film sitcoms or talk shows, they have a warm up act that gets the audience primed for a good time. If the warm up act does his job, the audience is jazzed and bursting with anticipation and will pretty much laugh and clap at anything by the time the taping begins. If everything else in the relationship is really good, then I bet that’s the answer. Porn is a warm up act because after having sex two times already he needs a bit of help to get moving again. I would just ask him though. I’m sure he could tell you.

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    Julie M. Reply:

    Thanks for this insight. The sex is fulfilling and attentive, and he always knows how to touch me. I just have always wondered about the constant need to have sex with me and jerk off. Even when we have sex 2 or 3 times a day and I go to work at night, he will still masturbate 2 or 3 more times while I’m away. He says he just needs to because I’m not there. I’m 28 and he is 32. He is generally a quite insecure and needy person through, cheating on me when we met 2 years ago. He says I don’t show him enough love because I’m still trying to get over that he cheated therefore the only form of affection he can get from me is sex. So he ALWAYS needs me to touch him and have sex with him. Pretty much always wants to have sex. Not complaining or anything, just curious or his motives?

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    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Ah, well that ads another layer doesn’t it. Seems like you two should work towards addressing the source of his drive which you I think kind of nailed in your comment That’s just way too much sex and masturbation to be able to sustain. I don’t mean too much in that’s it bad in itself, but that unless your are a trust fund kid with no ambitions and no children, there just isn’t enough time to do anything else if your whole life revolves around sex and, porn and jerking off. I bet good money that he’d rather not feel that compulsion because sex three times plus two or three jerk off sessions in a day is not the result of a high sex drive. No one’s drive is that high. That’s just compulsion driven by something else. I don’t even eat that many times per day and without food you die.

    I’m not saying to make a huge deal about it, but I think it would be really helpful to explore what’s going on in a non-judgmental way. He’s already opened the door by expressing his feelings about not feeling loved. That should not be ignored. That’s a wake up call.

    You’re actually in a great situation because other than his compulsion, things are good and he’s willing to open up about his emotions.

    If my partner said that to me I’d be all over it. Weather you can change it or not is not the point. The point of exploring this further is that a long term relationship with someone cannot be sustained if they feel they have to jerk off the minute you walk out the door or they need sex three times a day to feel loved. What happens if you get sick for a couple weeks, or have to leave town for a week? Is he just going to fall apart? Will he cheat again?

    He needs to free himself of this pattern because he’s setting himself up for a fall.

    Julie M Reply:

    Just an update on my situation. I have tried giving my boyfriend more affection and attention, after him explaining that he needs more of my love. It works for a bit, until he needs some more attention. Overall, I feel that he is just too needy for me, always needing a confirmation on everything…as well as needing to prove himself with everyone all the time. We grew up in different environments where my family was extremely supportive, and his father never gave him approval on anything (Nothing was ever good enough). The last straw for me is the constant jerking off. Like I said earlier, we have sex 2 times a day very frequently. We’ll have sex and then I will step out for an hour or two and come back and he will jerk off. Like as soon as I’m gone. Or I’ll ask him to come out with me and he’ll say “no I’m going to go use the gym” and jerk off instead. I’m convinced that it’s beyond being horny all the time. My gut is telling me it has something to do with his constant neediness. Like he’s looking for that quick fix to be happy. And I think it’s not true happiness and not in a healthy way. It really upsets me every time I step out even for a second after we’ve has sex and I know he’s been jerking off. Now he doesn’t have a job so it’s like he’s bored or something. I tried to break up with him last week and he got angry but then all puppy dog and “let’s give this a chance, I want to change and be a better person” so I stayed. I know he’s not completely comfortable with who he is. But it’s the same thing over again and the jerking off is always the last straw for me. I don’t want to bring it up because it’s not my responsibility to be the one to tell him what to change. Do you think this is understandable?

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’d say you have a good handle on what’s going on. Insecurity, anxiety and compulsions can create some really weird dynamics. The constant jerking off, like you said, it really just the last straw in a life that is dictated by his compulsions. Compulsive, needy people are fine with other compulsive, needy people as they feed each others needs. If you find two people who are always saying “oh, I’m so fat” in attempt to fish for reassurances or compliments, hook them up. They’ll be friends for life. But needy people don’t work well with independent secure types because they don’t have a codependent person that will continually feed their compulsions. Seems like he’s made it clear on how things will be. It’s up to you to decide if this is the life you want.

    I’m a big fan of acceptance. Many people confuse acceptance with approval or capitulation. But that’s not true. Acceptance is the fist step in taking control of your life. Acceptance just means you accept what is and then make clear headed decisions based upon that information. That’s what nurses, firefighters and cops do everyday. They don’t expend mental energy fussing about how unfair it is that things burn down, or people commit crime, or people get sick. They just see what is, then take actionbased upon that information. That’s what the whole thesis of this article is…acceptance. Once you get past issues of fairness, or resentment, or fantasies of how you think things should be, and just deal with what is, life is actually just a series of pretty simple choices. I know you know that already, but it can’t hurt to hear it from a third party that has no skin in the game.

    Julie M Reply:

    I’m with you on everything you’re saying here. Just one more thing. Do you think that it’s ok to leave him without mentioning the compulsive jerking off or will I regret it? His neediness has also caused him to be manipulative so I get confused sometimes. I just feel like even if we do talk about it, the choice is ultimately up to him and he will do what he wants (and jerk off) when I’m not there anyways, you know? When I told him I’m not feeling it anymore and he needs to leave, he made a list of Cons for himself and everything that he needs to change. Its like its making me feel worse to break up with him. All of a sudden I want to leave and NOW he desperately wants to change and admit his insecurities. And he also tried to make me feel insecure by saying that “everyone” tells him that I’m selfish but he never listens to them. Manipulative!

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    If a person has specific destructive things that prevent you from continuing a relationship with them (drugs, violence, abuse, neglect, gambling…etc) I think you owe them a list of reasons. Not so they can change to get you back, but so they can have actionable information should they choose to do something about it. But I have seen, with my own eyes, people who were doing destructive things in their relationship then suddenly change for real when they were faced with losing that relationship. But it’s not the “oh baby please give m one one more chance” bullshit. They just completely transform right in front of your eyes. But he’s obviously not doing that so he’s just saying whatever he thinks will get him out of the doghouse at the moment. When people get seriously about getting their shit together it’s unmistakable.

  • Roxana Says:

    Last evening it’s beena week since hubby masturbated solo or looked at porn. We talked about it. He says he feels no need for sex (yet?) and finds it easy to just withold from masturbation. We talked about how his behaviour has changed: more tuned into me, more eye cotact, ‘checkig me out’ occasionally, lots and lots of intimate moments that he would initiate (cuddles here and there, back rub, very very attentive to me, no more that ‘zombie’ spaced out look on his face) but no sex. He says he wants to cotinue this, as he read online about porn addiction and benefits of giving up. He says he is aware that it was an escape from us beig itimate to eachother, and he is doing this for us, in order to ‘connect’ with me. He agrees with how automatic his porn watchingn and masturbation had been, and how he has neglected us, and how only the latest kink would make him come, in front of the PC< and that not many women in real life owuld havea chance of competing to that, expept in some wild fantasy of voyeurism, new girl, etc. He says he knows I crave intimacy and he is doing this abstaininng for us. We are very intimate it's weird, it's very much at an emotional level, but maybe it's my perception that's changed, being able to admire him more now for not choosing to spank his monkey solo whilst checking out 'barely legal' girls. Since all this happened, it's weird how our dyamics in interractions changed. I don't feel the compulsion of pleasig him, cooking dinner, dotting over him, that insecurity.. I just go about my business, much more calm ad relaxed and I don't feel that hurt that I used to feel before. In many ways it feels like we are courting again, but we already know the essense of eachother if that makes sese, but there is still much more to find out about eachother. He says he feels the same.. We will see… In summary, it's not all about sex, it's all about intimacy and the attitude towards the relationship…

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    What a great story! Sounds like things are going really well. When I wrote this post I had no idea how many men had problems with porn, masturbation and intimacy. It’s been a real eye opener. I still stand by my original essay as most men are able to maintain a healthy balance, and for them, all the things I talked about are normal and healthy and pretty futile for a woman to suppress, but when it gets out of control it’s get’s really dark. I guess it’s like doctor recommending one small glass of red wine a day for your health. For most people it’s fine, but if you’re an alcoholic, that’s obviously not going to work.

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    Roxana Reply:

    Well a few days more into his abstaining from porn project… No libido, but crazy intimacy.. My man is PRESENT and makes eye contact and seems to enjoy time with me like in the first months of dating!!! I keep a low profile…

    He keeps saying that he feels 10 times happier now than before when he was masturbating to porn daily. I am so happy he thinks it’s his idea and treats it like such(although I sooo endorse it!!!).

    It’s like everything is shifting in our relationship, TBH it makes me realise how automatically I was approaching sex with him as well!!! Now, the ground is shifting under our feet, and we really get to know each other all over again.. I do hope that at some point in future porn will re-enter our sex life, but as an activity that’s mostly enjoyed togehter (I’m the one for kinks too), or if separately, there is plenty intimacy and connection in the sack to come back to the partner for the REAL THING..

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  • Ole Says:

    I’m a guy and I can say with the hand on my heart that I don’t watch porn og don’t have a special need to look at pretty women everywhere. Please, because you feel like every guy is this way, they aren’t. I actually get very depressed of girls everywhere is convinced I am this way when I’m really not.

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    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I hear yah. I have long hair, I’m an artist, I surf every day, and I live in Santa Cruz. So trying to convince people I don’t smoke pot, or drink or do drugs is a losing battle. If I just stand in one place in public it isn’t long before someone tries to buy pot off me. Either that or ask me if I want to get high. I mean, I get why they think that. I’m not ignorant of how my look fits the stoner dude stereotype. But I’ve pretty much given up. People are going to think what they want to think. I’m curious though. If a hot chick with a tight low cut blouse come walking towards you, you really don’t pay any more attention than you would if she was just a balding middle aged guy? Unless you have a brain disorder that prevents you from recognizing faces and distinctions in body type, I don’t know how that is possible. We navigate our world by paying selective attention to our environment otherwise we would be paralyzed by the onslaught of stimuli. It’s also how we categorize and prioritize our life so we can get things done. If you are attracted to women I don’t know how you could not pay more attention to an attractive woman as opposed to a guy or a woman you find less attractive.

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  • Tee Says:

    How do men feel about us women looking at porn with guys who have huge penises and bodies like male models? Also, how do men feel when we look at other guys? I’ve been in relationships where the guy would watch porn and look at chicks but if I were to do what he did, he would whinge and get offended.
    Can you explain this to me?

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    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s easy, he’s a hypocrite and probably a bit sexist too. I expect my partner to find others attractive. I expect her to be checked out by other guys. When I occasionally get a peak into her life that is separate from mine (like at the gym she works out) I find it amusing that she’s clearly popular in her yoga class with some of the guys. It’s totally innocent of course, and she doesn’t encourage the attention, but I can tell immediately which ones dig her. If a guy thinks it’s ok for him but not for his partner then he’s a jerk simple as that.

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  • Amanda Says:

    Just an update … Ive started going to counseling and I’ve been feeling much better about myself. Thats the key for me .. when I feel good about myself I’m not as absorbed in what my husband is doing or who he is looking at. He also did fess up he has issues too and he was gawking a bit too much and he has made some adjustments. At least while he is with me anyway and thats about all I can ask for. After all, I did marry a guy lol. I do plan on making some life changes for myself like working outside the home and this will give him more free time at home without me here to do what he likes .. and hopefully I will have a life of my own where I will do more of the things I like. Not sure what direction this will take our relationship tho, Im wondering if he will become more like “wondering what goes on in my day” or “what men have I come across” or how he used to be when I did work outside the home. I do think it will put a little mystique back into the relationship and may help him see me in a different light. If it goes the other way, then so will I. I hope not because we are so good for each other.

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  • Amy Says:

    Well! Read everything mentioned above and I must say my husband doesn’t do any of those things. I’ll try to keep my story short. Weve been married 45 years and we only had sex once, that was our first, only and last time.When the I DO’s were over something happened in his head. We had a wedding night where he had is 5 minutes of glory and then was it for ever. He move immediately to the basement and I have the upstairs. That is how both of us live, no togetherness no nothing, He works the midnight shift and I days. He lives like a hermit, no phone, computer, radio, TV. Just him, his shop and the two car garage out in our back yard. Looks like a slob, long ugly beard and shoulder length hair and clothes he buys at the thrift store. His thoughts of sex ended 45 years ago.

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    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Wow. That’s a depressing story. But I suspect he never had sexual feeling for you or anyone. 45 years ago would make that 1967. Which means he’s a child of the 50′s. So many people got married back then because that’s what you did. Gay men got married and drove their wives crazy with their indifference. Asexual mean and women go married and drove each other crazy with their lack of interest in sex. Sounds like your husband is not only asexual but also has no interest in people in general. Some people don’t. No sure why you stick around. I suspect this situation fulfills some kind need for you even if it’s a self destructive need. That’s usually the case with our choices. Even if the choices we make hurt us we do it because it satisfies a perception we hold about ourselves and our role in the world.

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  • Jen Says:

    I have been with my partner for 6 years. For the first 4 years we were in a long distance relationship so only saw each other every couple of weeks. For the last few years we’ve been living together. Recently my partner has admitted masturbating to pictures of a couple of my close friends over a few years, and this has continued (but more infrequently) since we have been living together. I wish he had not told me, but he was trying to be honest. He said he has masturbated to pictures of my friends more than pictures of me. We were in a long distance relationship so surely he should be missing and thinking of me?

    Would you say he fancies my friends more than me (I feel I am as, if not more, attractive than them) or could there be other reasons for this? Do you think it can ever work between us now he has told me all of this?

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    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    My partner and I were also long distance for the first 4 years. Every Friday after work I would drive 185 miles to her house (actually her parents house) and every Sunday night I’d drive back. So naturally there was a bit of masturbation for both of us during the week. This was 24 years ago so there was no internet. I used penthouse letters compilations as an aid as still photos don’t do it for me. But reading creates moving pictures in my head just live a video would. But I never masturbated to images of my partner. Still don’t. This is really common. Most guys choose someone other than their partner. Maybe it’s out of respect. Maybe it’s too hard because there’s so much emotional baggage attached to it. I don’t know. But it’s the norm, Unfortunately he picked pictures of your friends and then also told you about it so now you need to process it. If everything else is great then it’s just a funny quirk he has and there’s probably nothing to be concerned about. He wouldn’t had told you if he didn’t take this relationship seriously and feel very safe with you. I know it creeps you out but it’s a positive sign he told you. I suspect he told you because he feels a little guilty, wants to be totally honest and not have you find out on your own, and probably is phasing this habit out naturally and just wanted to process that with the person he’s closest to. It’s not like you’re going to discuss this with your mom, or siblings or even your friends. Four years long distance is a major achievement. He wouldn’t have made it if he wasn’t “in it to win it”. So I’d say if everything else is good, then you’re good. And don’t compare yourself to your friends. Sexual fantasies and masturbatory aids are in a different category and often defy logic.

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  • Jennifer Says:

    To all the ladies who suffer emotionally from her man checking out other women, and looking at porn: first let me start off by saying that this has been an ongoing struggle for me. It can be difficult, near impossible, to not feel hurt and angry. I cannot tell you how many times I tearfully confronted my husband, only to have him apologize and do it again. Lately I’ve just learned to not obsess about it, if I do, my marriage will be over, even if I have to force myself to get passed the initial hurt. One of the above posts used an analogy of men and porn to meet sexual needs, and how it would be no different (in the same concept) for women to find emotional gratifIcation elsewhere, so long as it didn’t lead to physical infidelity. The truth of the matter is, essentially it is comparable, and even further, is already being achieved, just in a more discreet way. Women are obsessed with romance novels, romantic movies, and the like. When we read and watch, we are stimulated emotionally and many times sexually, just using a different method. When I read a good romance novel, my husband does not take the lead male role. This is all a very fresh realization for me, but one I believe has already made a difference in my own perspective. I hope this can help some of you ladies. For the author: I do have one question about looking at dating sites and singles in the area. I did catch my husband doing this recently, and I believe him when he says that he wasn’t actually searching to find someone to cheat with, but is this normal behavior for a man when he is bored? Thanks!

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    Margaret Reply:

    I actually commented earlier.

    I decided to just get smart and wise up about it. Instead of fretting about my hubby casually “fast forwarding” (which is what he claims he did) lesbian-in-nature movies on Netflix (this was nearly 3 years ago, one movie) and looking at provocative pictures of other women online (has happened twice that I know of), I decided to just forget it and really think about it. Can I stop him? No. Can I make him NOT fantasize about woman on woman? No. So, what I decided to do is this:

    I’m going to get Boudoir pictures done, all professional and glamorous and everything. I also was talking to a friend about it and it made her want to get some made, so I asked if she wanted to get some shots done together — a whole session of photos, even. She said SURE!

    I figured getting pictures of me all sexy in nature AND getting pictures with one of my best girl friends would be PERFECT — sexy, smokin’ hot pictures of me, and my hubby will LOVE the pictures of me and my good friend to look at to take care of his girl on girl fantasy. I’m going to surprise him with the girl on girl photos. ;)

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Woman on woman fantasies are way at the top for most men. Don’t know why. Personally, I think it’s because the only thing hotter than one sexy woman is two sexy women. Will it work? I suspect it will bring you closer and spice things up just for the simple fact of it being an act of love and acceptance. Just don’t expect it to satisfy any women on women desires though. That’s not going to change and it’s a bottomless pit of desire. No matter how much stuff you through into it will never fill up.

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    Margaret Reply:

    Yeah, I figured that it was something that would never really go away. I figured that it might help, though, if nothing else to help spice things up. And I really like Jennifer’s idea of letting him direct me on some shots. ;)

    But, I thought about it and read all of your responses on this post (to me and other people) and have realized that I, too, have moments when I see an attractive guy on TV, at the store, etc…It’s not something I purposefully think about, but when I see an attractive guy I think to myself “Wow…” or “ooooo” or whatever, kind of automatically, like you said that guys have brief thoughts of other women that they don’t or can’t control most of the time. And I’m really glad that you posted about this on your blog and are responding to us commenters. Whether we all like it or not, both males and females are attracted to attractive people, and whether they act on it or not is up to them. I’ve always claimed that I NEVER looked at another man or NEVER thought about sex with someone else. I never really thought I had thoughts of other men before but, after reading this post, the comments on it, and after really thinkiung about it, I realized that I, too, have come across other men that I find attractive. I always put the blame solely on my hubby because I guess I didn’t want to have any blame put on me for doing the same thing (being a hypocrit), even though I didn’t go look at pictures on the computer. I hate being wrong. But, the fact is, there are other men that I find attractive and, while it doesn’t feel fair to me, my hubby will see other women that he finds attractive and it is the SAME thing.

    It’s just all things that we have to understand and live with. I plan on using it to my advantage every once in a while (the buodoir pictures of me and with me and a friend) but, mostly, I just decided to forget about the past and move on, and to stop putting thought into it. Because it won’t do anything but eat me up inside. And, at the end of the day, my hubby is with me — that has to say something.

    Jennifer Reply:

    Hi Margare, I am sure your man will be thrilled to see those photos. I have done three separate boudoir sessions for my hubby, and he’s enjoyed them all. I will warn though after a look or two they have sat in the nightstand drawer collecting cobwebs haha. Although not professionally taken and edited, my hubby’s favorite pictures (which he looks at quite often still), are some that I let him take of me. You may think about trying that too :).

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I was going to say the same thing to another poster. What about 50 Shades of Grey? That’s a huge hit who’s sole purpose is to sexually excite the reader and it’s a book for women. The whole erotic novel category is aimed at women. One of my clients is a success erotic novelist who specializes is werewolf/supernatural, BSDM and M/M/F themed stories (see: http://www.jennypenn.com/) Is this different than men checking out porn? Absolutely not. The problem is most women refuse to see it that way because in their mind what they are doing is different that what men do, so therefore it more more pure and decent. Men, however, generally understand it’s the exact same thing.

    As for trolling a dating site. That could be just out of harmless curiosity, especially if he got to the link from an article or pop up on a porn site. I’ve done it myself just to see what the fuss is about or where the pop up actually goes. On porn sites they have these pop us of these fantasy girls that say something like “Hi, I’m JoJo and I’m looking for a hot guy in (insert your city here)”. The city is usually accurate because it’s based upon your computer’s IP address. Eventually most guys will probably click on one of these dating site pop ups just to see what happens. These are even found and non porn sites aimed at men like sports, video gaming or car sites. So yes, it’s quite possible it was innocent and means nothing.

    How bad is the follow the hot chick photo compulsion? I do it all the time when just doing legitimate research for a project. There’s hot chick photos everywhere – from stock photography sites, to Yahoo news articles, to YouTube videos, to humor sites, to blogs, to advertisements for just about everything and to random teasers for some top ten tips article – and yes, sometimes I click on them just to see a bigger version of the girl, satisfy my curiosity for 3 seconds, and them move on. But if you were to walk in on me at that exact moment one could interpret it much differently even though in reality is was three seconds of a meaningless click to satisfy curiosity.

    [Reply]

    Jennifer Reply:

    I must say, I love your straightforward, no b.s approach. If one is open to the truth it can do wonders at changing a previous mentality. I have actually read the 50 shades series, but found the submissive, abusive relationship quite disturbing. Haha. I do however enjoy reading paranormal romance, and will be checking out the link you left. Thank you for giving me insight into the simpleness of a mans mind. Sometimes I wonder if a woman’s complexity rivaling with a more simple mind of a man, is the root of many relationship issues. It can be difficult for a woman to step down and look at the simple explanation, when every explanation fathomable to us is ridiculously complex.

    [Reply]

  • Jennifer Says:

    Hi Margaret, I am sure your man will be thrilled to see those photos. I have done three separate boudoir sessions for my hubby, and he’s enjoyed them all. I will warn though after a look or two they have sat in the nightstand drawer collecting cobwebs haha. Although not professionally taken and edited, my hubby’s favorite pictures (which he looks at quite often still), are some that I let him take of me. You may think about trying that too :).

    [Reply]

  • Ebony Says:

    Ah… but there in lies the difference. I don’t treat my man like a mechanical bull whereby I tell him what to do all day. To me, that’s not being a man – that’s taking away his right to be who he is and make the necessary judgement calls he feels would benefit himself and those he cares so deeply for. I’m not raising a child, therefore, I don’t engage in the same type of behavior I would if I were speaking to my son.

    Since I treat men with that type of respect, I expect the same in return. Not all women are bitchy and bossy as you indicate above; however, we are still expected to take the same bullshit from men – with the same tired excuse (“it’s just a man, being a man”). Some of the behavior I have observed from these same men, remind me of a three year old toddler (I want what I want, as much as I want, whenever I want it). Yeah… that just reeks of maturity doesn’t it?

    The point is… if you are going to engage in looking at women, watching porn, and collecting naked pictures – it’s your right. But don’t try to justify your selfish behavior behind the cloak by saying it’s just “what men do”. Especially when guys aren’t so willing to be that understanding of women when it comes to the same behaviors.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    But it is what guys do. I know women want to believe that every undesirable trait men have in is just them being selfish, childish, or the result of being brain washed by society. It’s a convenient way to deal with things. But it seems that you’re really mostly irked at hypocrites as you should be. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. If a guy feels it’s ok to look at porn or other women but feels it’s not ok for his partner to do the same, then yes, he is being selfish and childish.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Did you delete the post about how women are? Both subjects are largely found surfing. And I never ever ever would belittle my husband for the way he dressed my kids .. if only he ever did. Please lets not speak for every man and woman on the planet. I believe we are also individuals. Happy wife happy life .. my husband was having a ball all by himself every night. I had nothing to do with it. He seemed pretty happy while I had all of the responsibility. I gave my husband 10 good years of all the porn his eyes could handle and photos out the ass. Its like you said .. bottomless pit. He never had to lie .. he did time and time again. Even before I expressed my issues with it now. That hurts the most. Curiosity .. Unless she has three boobs and 2 butts what is there to be curious about anymore? lol… ok Im done.

    [Reply]

    Roxana Reply:

    ‘Unless she has three boobs and 2 butts what is there to be curious about anymore? lol… ok Im done.’ <— lol touche!! :-) . I see porn as alcoholism… In moderation, each to their own, whatever fancies your boat etc. But when it's getting too much, people become zombies and unable to function ( and sadly, to even attempt to understand) the real world..

    [Reply]

  • Roxana Says:

    Hello again.. I feel compelled to leave an update again.. My case might not be what average couples experience, but it’s been an incredible learning curve that I could not have dreamed of to become possible.. As I was saying earlier, hubby decided to experiment with quitting porn, to see whether he was addicted, whether his behaviour towards me changed (sexually) as we hit a really really very dry patch. ANyway, 2 weeks and a bit into his abstinence, reports are: his energy is up, connection to me incredible (like dating again), he keeps busy and is more productive than before, very focused on us. To give an example, I when I come home after my evening shift, I find he has tidied up the house, did the laundry, and has plans for dinner, whereas before he would be spaced out and ‘tired’ on the sofa, with me to pick up the pieces!!
    On first week of absitence he didn’t get any erections or sexual thoughts, which scared him and was prove to him that his high came too much from porn. After that, his erections started to appear, but he never initiated and just ignored them and kept busy ( literally, both of us behaving like during dating – meaning you don’t have huge xpectations on the other part, you just enjoy the time and kinda wait for the right moment!!). Well today we made love (sorry for details hah!!), it was not too long ( what can you expect of a man who has not come for more than 14days ha!!) BUT BUT BUT.. the highlight is.. he was very VERY much focused on foreplay…. just like in the movies lol.. although in the morning sunshine haha… It was a very satisfying experience…
    THen he told me he will never watch porn again cos he can see how it skewed his sexual perceptions, how it is a waste of time and easy to ingore the partner.. I argued that porn is OK as long as balance is there, but he mantains that at this stage in time, it is better for him to focus on me and forget about all those procastination times spent on porn, as he feels he truly has been finding too much comfort in it since he was young… Go figure!
    I think I may have found myself a gem of a man! not that I never knew that, but I never expected him to try this out….. his main information place for all this and motivation was that website called (am I advertising? I hope not!) ‘your brain on porn’ .. Thank you guys for listening all the credit to the writer of this article, which really got the ball rolling for my man!!!!!!!!!

    [Reply]

  • Tiffany Says:

    Liked all the advice, but I still have a question, I know it’s late but I’m still asking on this post, hopfully I get an answer.
    Here goes….

    My boyfriend and I have been together 2 years (living together 1) we rarely have sex. At first, we had sex maybe 2 times a week. Now it’s 1 time if that a month. I have has countless conversations with him about this, he has no answer for me. He does not watch porn or even look at naked pictures. He does not like computers, and he also does not have porn dvds or mags. I know this for a fact. He does sleep a lot, and when I ask him for sex I get turned down almost everytime. I don’t ask that much maybe 1 time a week. He only has sex with me unless, I cry over it. I don’t feel loved or wanted by him and he dont understand why. I explain it to him, and he says I am crazy and oversexed! How can I possibly be over sexed if I never get sex? I masterbate, he on the other hand says he does not. And I believe him, because I’m with him 24/7. We do have a big age difference. I’m 24 and he is 41, I’m very attracted to older men, so that’s what I perfer. I’m to my wits in about this, and feel very unattractive. I have tried finding real advice for my situation before, only to get answers like, your a whore things like that! This is my last shot at actually getting a real answer.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Reluctantly having sex one time a month is not normal for a 41 year old man with a regular libido. Things that pop int my head are: he’s asexual, he’s depressed but doesn’t know it, he has a hormone imbalance. The fact that he’s not interested in figuring out why his sex drive is basically zero, and he apparently doesn’t care that much that it’s making you very unhappy, suggests to me that he’s not relationship material. There are a ton of 41 year old guys who would be thrilled to have a 24 year old girl friend and cherish all the benefits that come with a younger partner (higher energy, higher sex drive, no kids, less baggage, etc).

    I think he needs to understand in no uncertain terms that he unless takes this seriously you’ll need to find someone else. And then you need to be ready to follow through. If he has any doubt you won’t leave he won’t change. Some people need that type of push to take a relationship problem seriously.

    [Reply]

  • Sam Says:

    The whole truth is and no one has the guts to say it is that Men who truly are men are animals. Some have more decency and respect than others.But they are are not being truthful if they tell you they don’t want a total submissive. The fact is whether you ladies like it or not is that you don’t do anything at all that at some point a man decided you could do it.

    [Reply]

  • Julie M. Says:

    I’m writing to in response to our previous conversation. I took your advice about the wake up call in my boyfriends sexual compulsion of needing to have sex all the time AND jerk off. 3 weeks ago, I decided to finally forgive him for cheating on me in the beginning of our relationship and actually start showing him more love and affection, verbally and physically. He is very reciprocal about the affection, telling me how much he cares about me and touching me. I also stopped caring about feeling like I constantly needed to TEND to his sexual needs so he didn’t jerk off as much, and just started having sex with him whenever I wanted, which was more like once a day in stead of 2 or 3 times. I am 28 and he 33. It was actually ok! The earth did not collapse haha. The only thing however, is that he still looks at porn on silent (privately so I can’t tell) sometimes when we’re in the living room usually before we have sex. But sometimes I’ll catch him looking at porn. I don’t want to necessarily bring it up and make a big deal out of it to install fear and compel him to lie to me even more about it. So why do I really care about this silent porn watching habit? I guess I feel like if I’m in the house with him, he should save that for when I’m away from him and he should focus more on me. Should I really care of this and make an issue of it? Or is he just being a “guy”?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    One thing I’ve learned over the years is everyone has their “thing”. That odd habit or ritual that most find weird but is totally normal to us. I think his porn habit may be his “thing” at least for now. Will he grow out of it? I suspect yes. Especially if you two continue on your path towards greater intimacy and appreciation of each other..

    I rarely masturbate now, so naturally rarely watch porn anymore, since that was primarily why I watched it. The reason is that these days at age 46, I have very little excess sexual energy to blow off so I don’t need too. When I was younger though, it was a way to maintain my sanity and be able to focus. Excess sexual energy is a actually a burden, so you need to get rid of it somehow or it messes up your day.

    Is your partner that loaded with sexual energy? Perhaps, but the way you describe it seems more like an old habit he’s still repeating without knowing why. Like how a baseball player has a lucky pair of socks or always taps his bat three times before swinging. So if everything else is good, and your needs are being met, I would just ignore it. Harping on it and making him feel bad about will not solve it and just drive it underground. And always keep in mind that it has nothing to do with you. Not one bit. He would do this with any woman.

    But if you do want t get him to experiment with giving it up, it needs to be a challenge. Maybe there is something you do that he’s not fond of or that is habitual for you. The challenge could be to not only prove to yourselves and each other that you are in control and not a slave to your habits but also just to see what happens. That may work because it’s not a blame and shame thing but more of a game to see if you two are tough enough to meet the challenge.

    But yes, I totally get why you feel he should focus on you when you two are together. That makes sense. I’d feel the same way. I just don’t think badgering him will change it or improve things. But I think the way you are behaving now ultimately will. Acceptance and forgiveness are not a form of weakness or submission. It’s a form of liberation and it’s proactive rather than reactive. And it can have a powerful effect to those around you when you practice it.

    [Reply]

  • Claire Says:

    Do you not think that there is a difference between jacking off to random women that you see and watching real women having sex. One is in the imagination and the other is a very real close up of prostitues haveing sex? Just because there is a screen as a barrier it doesn’t make it any less real! To me it would be the same thing if they were doing it in my living room! Is it every man’s fantasy to have sex with prositutes?

    Example: If a man is jacking off to child porn you see it as horrible because they are real children. But if it’s prostitues then they aren’t real? Doesn’t make sense to me.

    Masturbation doesn’t go hand in hand with porn. No pun intended.

    [Reply]

    Amanda Reply:

    I think its the action in the porn that gets people off, I mean for me as a woman it is not particularly the person .. cant say what it is for guys because I can never really get a straight answer from my husband .. or it changes every couple of months. Of course if there were no porn plenty of people would still be masturbating yes and their imagination is all they would have but to some thats about the only thing perfect in this world is that there is plenty of porn to go around and then some and its more easily accessed in our world now than it has every been, good ole internet!! As far as children, I dont care if they are real or drawings, if an adult is getting off on that they are just sick and I dont even think it should be used in with this category or subject. And as for imagination – my hubby says he just can’t use his for that .. doesnt work for him. He has even said that he cant fantasize about other women or anything while he is having sex with me – again it doesnt work for him, he has tried he says. I say bullshit. But I’m mean I guess. It is what it is.

    [Reply]

    Amanda Reply:

    Also I really dont mind a little porn here and there especially fun when we do it together. If I’m giving my man sex all the time, and he still needs to get off to porn or just the thought of other women then I feel there is a problem. If not with me then with him, wanting other women or at least wanting to fantasize about them may not have anything to do with me but it doesnt make me feel any better knowing that he gets so much pleasure from scoping them out every chance he gets and taking that to some other place in his head. Or maybe thats just all in my head, who knows anymore. I’m just tired of it being a subject with myself and counseling really didnt help that much, I stopped going. He says hes a changed man now and he doesn’t need all that anymore and doesnt miss it. And that he was a pig before he admitted but there is nothing for me to feel bad about anymore. But if he was thinking he was sneaky before and I seen everything and told him about it then he has just gotten better at hiding it no? I might add that I’ve gotten more help by reading the messages here than at counseling really, I just wish I could trust everything my husband says to be true. And then I have my own mind .. what a sick and troubled mind it is. he also said he hasnt jerked off in like .. hmm has to be over 7 months now which I find very hard to believe. We usually have sex everyday but there have been times we have went 3 days without doing anything more than a few times. And he has no issues telling me if he has adding oh it was in the bathroom – so apparently he can use his imagination unless he got a pic/vid on his cellphone or borrowed my victorias secret catalog lol. So does he think I’m an idiot or what? I do sometimes. Because why do I even care? If I’m not enough then that IS his problem. I just dont want this to be my life when my kids are grown and moved out. I want a man with me that still gets turned on by me. Is this why women cheat?

    [Reply]

  • Kasey Says:

    This article helped me out a lot. I just needed to understand why men are the way they are. Me and my man have been together for 2 years, I am very open to porn and we both watch it and have watched it together in the past. But we have VERY different preferences on the videos we enjoy so we stopped that a while ago. Lately he’s been less intimate and doing it more frequently and instead of regular videos he just looks at pictures of a random naked teen girl and beats of too it. I don’t know why this upsets me and the videos don’t. I definitely try to not compare myself with pornstars but when its just pictures of actual, normal naked girls that are much more attractive than I will ever be that he chooses to get off to, It makes me feel like that’s what he’s really attracted to and is comparing my tits to hers and my body. In turn I almost feel compelled to be more sexually aggressive like a guy just so I don’t get upset about it and to bring in some leverage. Like why don’t I just fantasize about every hot guy I see at the grocery store and look up pictures of hot naked dudes with bigger cocks that I find attractive and masturbate to it. He says he doesn’t care, and also admitted that he has sexual urges about other women frequently, (which brought me to this page because it upset me so much). It just sucks because I really don’t think about other guys sexually, nor do I desire to because I am completely happy and attracted to him, I only think about my partner because I love him. Does that mean there are not other guys out there who are way sexier than him, have a way bigger dicks, a better sense of romance or personality, a better body, tattoos and more fit the profile that I find attractive? Hell no. We have a ton of problems, he’s lazy and has let himself go. But I just cant bring myself to see other men sexually, no matter how attractive they are to me. Why is it so different for guys? I understand watching two people having sex and being turned on by it, but just thinking about sex with every good looking girl you see? That’s pretty hurtful for any womans self esteem, especially when it comes so naturally for us to only have eyes for our partners.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I think women do have attractions and sexual thoughts about other men more often than they think they do. I know it’s pretty universal for women to say they only think about their partner, but then I watch them flock to Twilight movies and books. I see how much a guy’s looks matter when it comes to the music they like, the movies they watch and the shows they watch. There have been numerous studies done where a women’s sexual responses (pulse, blood pressures, vaginal lubrication, etc) has been measured while watching porn, and it’s really common for women to claim that they aren’t turned on when their body actually is. They aren’t lying, they’re just as good at detecting and acknowledging their own sexual responses. With guys we get a very clear indication that we are tuned on. You can’t ignore it. Conversely, I don’t know if anyone’s tested men’s emotional responses to sad movies or tv shows but I bet we’d see the same thing. Lots of men saying they have no reaction but biologically they are crying inside.

    But yes, overall, men react very strongly to sexual stimuli and frequently have sexual thoughts about other women. But it’s mostly meaningless. Guys have two separate tracks in their brain. One is love and devotion, the other is sex and lust. They are generally best together, of course, but men don’t confuse the two. Women often do. Is see it all the time. Women will have sex with a guy because see wants to fuck him because he’s hot. However, for many women, that is a tough thing to admit. So they’ll project all of these additional emotion characteristics on to the guy to frame her lust in a more socially and personally acceptable way. Then a couple of months later she realizes he’s an asshole and feels duped and deceived, when the truth was, she was duping herself. He was always an asshole, but fucking an asshole because you think he’s hot is not acceptable, so the woman reframed her passion in a way that was.

    Most men don’t feel the need to do this, so naturally we look like pigs to many women. I get that. I understand why women are more protective of themselves sexually and men more free. Biologically women take all the risk. They are the one’s who get pregnant. They are the ones who take the risks of pregnancy. And they are the ones who will ultimately be responsible for the child.

    But a man’s biological success is more closely related to a shotgun approach. Spread as much seed as possible. A women’s biological success is tied to assuring their partner has good genetics and will be a good provider and protector. A woman can only have so many children and takes a considerable risk for every one they do have. A man’s risk is zero and a man can father an unlimited amount of children. That’s why there are so many deadbeat dads but very few deadbeat moms. Once you give birth, it’s very hard to walk away.

    This is where it all begins. Everything else plays out from this fundamentally unfair situation.

    So back to your original question. Yes, a man can have sexual thoughts about other women AND be totally turned on, and committed to, their partner. I am, and I can tell most of my male friends feel the same way. We love and adore our partners, where’s really into our kids and being great fathers, but when we’re hanging out, and an unusually hot women walks by, the conversation freezes for a second, and then it picks right up after she passes. It’s almost like a freeze frame or a hiccup. Our brains temporarily come to a screeching halt. I know that’s depressing to know, but this is the truth.

    I know it’s hard to think that a man can jerk off to a woman with big tits and still be totally turned on and happy with his partner that has small breasts. But the vast majority of men just don’t think like that. Porn is not a literal expression for secret desires. We see a woman with big breasts and jerk of. We see a woman with small breasts and we jerk off. That’s it. It’s really simple and basic. However, with women I’ve learned that nothing is simple and basic. Life is layered with meaning. But if you apply the “everything means something” to guys basic primitive sexual desires you will drive yourself crazy. Sometimes it is a signal (especially if there already other fundamental problems with the relationship), but most of the time it is completely and utterly meaningless.

    But don’t ever confuse biological wiring with douchey behavior. You can be a gentleman, be respectful, and be devoted and committed, AND still have all your regular guy urges. They can coexist just fine. It’s only the assholes who use it as an excuse for being a shitty partner.

    [Reply]

    Claire Reply:

    I come back to your blog to see if you can help my devasted relationship and family become better because I felt you are insightful. However your first two paragraphs in this are a load of bs. I do see it as your opinion but i’m disapointed now. Well aslong as your helping other women live with this, then good on you.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    From what I understand from this place is that guys fantasize about having sex with every woman they find attractive … and they are very visual, they can easily get off to just a picture of a women. Especially ones they can’t have .. its naughty is what my husband says. lol .. us females have a hard time getting it and its in our nature to feel threatened by it which is something they will never get. Will it ever change anything? NOPE!

    [Reply]

  • Karen Says:

    Um, so the only things you said that men put up with from women is bossiness and nosiness. How does that justify or even compare to a man watching “amateur teen gets ***** (basically abused, disrespected) which is what a LOT of the mainstream porn is promoting?! I don’t think that there is anything that the general woman does that could possibly compare to or justify what men do with porn. And it is such a generality that women are nosy, gossipy, and disrespectful of others’ boundaries, as you so tactfully put it and I apologize if you ended up with a woman who acts in this childish manner. I honestly don’t know any women who do this and I shop for my clothing by myself, thanks. This is definitely a man’s world (and that saying didn’t just appear out of nowhere either) and I am SO tired of men telling us to just accept the emotional toll that often comes with their “need” to watch porn and telling other men that this behaviour is not only normal but healthy, despite how much it can clearly affect a relationship and hurt the person they’re with. I am actually pro-porn (and actually made money from it), but when two people commit to each other, they are committing to making each other happy and avoiding the intentional infliction of pain. Well, when you discover your man is watching porn and you tell him how hurtful it is and how much it is affecting your self-esteem and confidence in the relationship and he disregards your feelings and continues his behaviour with little to no regard, he IS betraying you. It shouldn’t matter if the woman has a problem with the man watching porn or chewing with his mouth open, he should take his partner’s concerns seriously and either make genuine strides to fix the situation or just be honest with himself and his partner about his “inability” to do so. And the same applies to women and I can say that I made genuine changes to satisfy my husband (before I divorced him) because I loved him and respected his needs and feelings. I’m very glad that watching porn works out for both you and your wife, but MOST times, when a woman has a problem with their man using porn it is because there are underlying problems with their relationship (and how she is being treated -largely BECAUSE of the porn) that has made her feel insecure and threatened to begin with and you can NOT ignore the fact that the act of using porn can and does influence how the man acts within the relationship, whether he wants to admit it or not. Watching porn causes chemical reactions and changes in the brain and it’s just ignorant to think that there are NO repercussions, whether positive or negative. Most of the time, it isn’t the act of watching porn, it’s the lying and mistreatment of the woman, however subtle, that is the driving force behind our resistance to it and ANY man, regardless of how out of control his penis is, should respect his partner’s feelings enough to at least keep a lid on it OR (and I know this is going to be a tough one for most men) just BE HONEST with your usage and if you truly can’t stop, then you should be honest about it, instead of insisting it’s normal and we should just accept it. Neither partner should be expected to “just accept” something that is hurtful, regardless of how “normal” society tries to tell us it is. I agree with the previous poster, men need to GROW UP and take responsibility for their actions and how they are treating their women instead of just blaming ALL of their faults on evolution and the need to perpetuate the species. Most women resist the urge to have sex with many men (and our evolutionary ability to have multiple orgasms and our “copulatory vocalization” supports the SAME evolutionary excuses men use to promote and validate promiscuity. Women are JUST as hard-wired to cheat and find the most desirable mate as men are). When will men catch up and stop blaming EVERYTHING on women and the man’s “natural” inability to control their primitive, manly needs?! In case men have forgotten, women are human too and descended from the same evolutionary lines as men and are JUST as wired for promiscuity as women are!!!!

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Oh but men put up with so much more than just us gals being nosy and bossy, they also have to put up with us bitching about them watching porn. HAHA.

    [Reply]

  • Lesy Says:

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years and have a good sex live. Our sex live is good and through the time we have been together we haven’t use any kind of toys nor videos. I didn’t think much about porn because we never talk about it. It wasn’t until my friend start to tell me her boyfriend watch porn and ask me if mine did that… I said I don’t think so. I guess I don’t pay much attention. However, know that you mention that I have question why he takes his phone ALL the time to the restroom when he is about to take a late night shower. So, I went home and ask him ” why do you take your phone in the bathroom when you are going to take a shower?” he’s response was that he was looking at his car forum and plus he didn’t like that I go through his phone because I knew his password and that I needed to trust him. So I said to him okay well change your password and leave your phone outside. So, he did change it and start to leave his phone outside. It had been two weeks he had been leaving his phone and one night he was out and I ask him to wake me up once he got home but he didn’t so I woke up in the middle of the night and heard the shower going so I check for his phone and notice he had taken it to the bathroom. So i went to look under the bathroom door and notice that he had the shower water running and he wasn’t in it. So, I got upset and I knock in the restroom and he said O I’m taking a shower babe door is lock. So I said ok even thought I could see his feet under the bathroom door. So when he came out I said I need to talk to you.

    I told him thanks for not waking me up and taking the phone to the bathroom and lying that you were taking a shower when I clearly saw your feet next to the bathroom door and you were not in the shower.

    I said I had my suspicions for a while but now they are confirmed what do you have to say for yourself? He said Yes every once in a while I look at porn . He said maybe 1 every week because I’m asleep. (Which it reminds me of one time I was sleeping and woke up finding him jacking off to me while I slept and I got furious with him that night.) He said he did it because he want a quick release and that he didn’t want to have to foreplay just to get a release because he work the next day and would be tired.

    So end of story I said well I’m glad to know the truth and that it doesn’t interfere with our sex live. However, Let me help you … You can watch it when you want a quick release.
    I’m good with him watching porn. I think its sexy for him to do his thing and be a man :) and still love our sex live.

    He said yes but that he prefer that I didn’t know what kind of videos he choose to watch.He said he doesn’t want me to think much into them like if he choose a busty girl with big boobs or a girl with a big ass because he knew I would get upset with his choices. So I said ok I think I understand…..

    However, I don’t know if I should know what kind of girls he likes to look at or not… Its kind of bothering me not to know…. I guess its because he is putting a line to it…. I would have rather him not tell me he was picking through the videos to choose his girls ughh… I wasn’t even thinking about that because obviously guys are going to pick hot girls and boobs and ass. I think I’m been irrational…

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    You may think you’d want to know what videos he picks but trust me, you don’t. Guys pick videos for all sorts of reasons but none of them have anything to do with their partner. Some of it is most likely pretty gross too (at least to you). So having that knowledge will just give you more crap to sort though and think about. There is no upside. Somethings are better off not knowing.

    But you’re handling this well and I’m glad he fessed up when confronted. Now he can jerk off without worrying about you catching him. His reasoning is sound too. It’s selfish to hassle your partner when all you really need is a quick release of sexual tension. It’s much more considerate for him to jerk himself off instead of expecting you to be a surrogate for getting off just so he can release some tension and fall asleep.

    Oh, and the “so I can look at my car forum” reason for why he took his phone in the shower was awesomely hilarious. Your boyfriend is a really lousy liar, which is a good thing. I’m surprised you kept a straight face on that one.

    [Reply]

    Lesy Reply:

    Amanda Yes, Straight dope dad is def right and so are you . However, I wish I would have read this yesterday once I got home. The thing is that on my way from work I text him telling him that I was concerned why he didn’t want me to watch what he picks and ask him if he was watching Gay man videos o_O
    His response was ” LoL no I like woman I have not even erased anything yet so you can see what I was watching.” then he said What the F$%$^! would you think that! and I said well, you told me not to look and got me thinking that is all chill.

    Once I got home home we didn’t talk about it. It was until Late at night when I he showed me what he had look for and it was Milf woman and woman BBj’s and of course Boobs . I’m glad its not man stuff and revealed (lol know if it where to have been gay videos I would kick him in the Balls n punch his face and run! )

    So far since we have been open about in our relationship Sunday, and Monday I jerked him off while he look at the videos on his phone. Yesterday, he actually played the video in our computer and he jerked off while I look at him and pleased myself as well. So far we have not have sex with each other like him in me So I told him We better have sex you in me in the weekend and 1 A week! he said ok but I bet he can’t keep up. I have a high sex drive and feel like he had me in lock down and all this time we could have been playing together GeeZ! that’s my only resentment towards him.BTW he pick the Milf video to watch. Which personally I’m glad because I love girls with nice bodies and boobs.(only in my fantasy thought and I wish they were all Asian girls)

    The only fall back I have of all this is that I use to like watching porn myself even after still having sex with him but I forced myself to stop looking at it because of guilt with religion and stuff. And I did little by little I stop. But, now its back again to watching it :/
    I’m also thinking about buying a Vibrate humm ..what do you all think? Long time ago I told my boyfriend this and he said no what for…
    and my thought was ( its because uzZZ a little bitch that can’t keep up and I wouldn’t want to look for sex with someone else ) but I said Ok like a good girl :)

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    From a woman’s perspective, Straight dope dad is right girlfriend, you don’t want to know what he is looking at. If I could rewind my life for the past two years of snooping on our computer I would. I feel so far from what my husband gets off to.. especially since I’m now in my 40′s that it has actually ruined sex with him for me. Can’t help feeling like he’s banging me thinking about all that, oh well. I’m glad also the way you are dealing with it because no matter what your response, or how you feel about it, he is going to do it anyway.

    [Reply]

    Lesy Reply:

    Amanda, thanks for the information as well. I don’t want to end up thinking further than what it is just fantasy pleasure.

    [Reply]

  • Lesy Says:

    Amanda Yes, Straight dope dad is def right and so are you . However, I wish I would have read this yesterday once I got home. The thing is that on my way from work I text him telling him that I was concerned why he didn’t want me to watch what he picks and ask him if he was watching Gay man videos o_O
    His response was ” LoL no I like woman I have not even erased anything yet so you can see what I was watching.” then he said What the F$%$^! would you think that! and I said well, you told me not to look and got me thinking that is all chill.

    Once I got home home we didn’t talk about it. It was until Late at night when I he showed me what he had look for and it was Milf woman and woman BBj’s and of course Boobs . I’m glad its not man stuff and revealed (lol know if it where to have been gay videos I would kick him in the Balls n punch his face and run! )

    So far since we have been open about in our relationship Sunday, and Monday I jerked him off while he look at the videos on his phone. Yesterday, he actually played the video in our computer and he jerked off while I look at him and pleased myself as well. So far we have not have sex with each other like him in me So I told him We better have sex you in me in the weekend and 1 A week! he said ok but I bet he can’t keep up. I have a high sex drive and feel like he had me in lock down and all this time we could have been playing together GeeZ! that’s my only resentment towards him.BTW he pick the Milf video to watch. Which personally I’m glad because I love girls with nice bodies and boobs.(only in my fantasy thought and I wish they were all Asian girls)

    The only fall back I have of all this is that I use to like watching porn myself even after still having sex with him but I forced myself to stop looking at it because of guilt with religion and stuff. And I did little by little I stop. But, now its back again to watching it :/
    I’m also thinking about buying a Vibrate humm ..what do you all think? Long time ago I told my boyfriend this and he said no what for…
    and my thought was ( its because uzZZ a little bitch that can’t keep up and I wouldn’t want to look for sex with someone else ) but I said Ok like a good girl :)

    [Reply]

  • Darcy Says:

    I really enjoyed reading this article! I love your writing style and open natured honesty. And I always love getting real insight into men’s minds.
    I have to say though- it hurts to read things like “men are always up for sex” or “men are always thinking about sex”- Because my husband isn’t. Sometimes our sex life is okay- we have sex “regularly” twice a week and he doesn’t lose his erection. I should add here that we are 31(me) and 33(him) and extremely happy, compatible, caring and loving in all other areas of our relationship. That is part of the reason that this hurts so much…he is such a great man, but we go through these spells where I feel like sex is walking this delicate line- he will either keep or lose his hard on and it’s pretty difficult to tell which way it’s going to go, until it fails or succeeds.
    He even initiated sex with me yesterday, telling me that he had a sex dream about us and wanted to have sex. I got so excited and happy. It’s been months and he literally never initiates sex- he says because he is shy and afraid of pressuring me or getting rejected by me ( I tell him that is not the case, but his brain is sort of hardwired for passivity). Well, you guessed it…lots of foreplay, erection, and then right after we started intercourse- gone. I keep wanting to cry when it happens- its frustrating and I blame myself in every way possible, because guys are supposed to be these sex crazed machines. Well, now I feel like the horny, sex crazed freak- because it’s not normally supposed to be like this, right?
    He has been to his Dr., who prescribed some meds for stress, thinking that might be the cause…but he said he didn’t really feel stressed or depressed. He had his blood tested, including testosterone, and everything came back totally normal. He is going to see a psych and urologist as soon as he can get in. He works out everyday. He eats a healthy diet. I put a lot of effort into my looks (no, I am no model- not what I mean, but I make the best of what I have with makeup, hair, cute outfits, working out and nice perfume, etc.
    I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want this to wreck our otherwise perfect marriage. Any ideas or help?

    [Reply]

    Desirae Reply:

    A friend of mine has the same issue with her boyfriend. She does most of the initiating and he too was told it might be due to stress. She found her “antidote” to be dressing up and role playing. Now she said his hard on rarely falls and they have sex more successfully. I hope that helps.

    [Reply]

  • Tanish Says:

    Hey people tis a grl frm India..I’m bit confused bot my relationshp with my boyfriend..well I trust my bf a lot and I neva got scope to doubt him bt thrz a thing which always makes me feel in our dae to dae conversation tat hez doing me a pity by sticking into this relation..Our relationshp is of 1 year and we’ve had sex aso..Everytime he tells me tat he went for tis relationshp jst bcuz i ws simple and he evn mention tat hez got many hot and sexy girls bt he neva went for them bt for me (AGAIN THE SAME THING JUST BECAUSE I WAS SIMPLE)….He neva said anything as a compliment..I’mean I dont expect him to shower me with compliments everytime bt still I feel tat m back dated..I lack the modern trendy culture though my friends finds me too stylish and hot and sexy.. I still love my boyfriend even if he makes me feel ugly,back dated…PLEASE HELP ME…. -Tanish…:’(

    [Reply]

  • chelsea Says:

    I’m 19 and my boyfriend is 20 almost 21. we haven’t been together a long time only eight months. i get jealous really easy it’s hard for me to not get angry with him when i see him glance at another girl. it makes me feel insecure and hurt. ive broken down and cried to him many times of my feelings and how im not comfortable with myself. he say’s he loves me and i’m perfect. when i ask him if he looks at other girls and thinks sexual thoughts he tells me that he only thinks of me. i know it’s a lie but i just wanna get the truth out of him. i just don’t know if i can be comfortable with him thinking other woman are attractive. if you could please give me some tips to help with my jealousy and my insecurities

    [Reply]

  • Deedees Says:

    Women are so insecure about this stuff because we know other women are sluts and pigs and man stealers who cant be trusted and men are the dumb creatures who fall for them. Lol love this article, my bf watches porn and I could care less. Cause i do too…Fleating thoughts of sex with unattractive strangers, thought we all did that… Maybe i think more like a man than I thought. And that’s why I dont trust my “male friends”…

    [Reply]

  • SingleGal Says:

    About the porn, it’s a problem for many relationships because there are many men who prefer porn to sex with their girlfriends/wives. I do agree with a comment somewhere up top that if this is happening then the couple just isn’t meant to be BUT:

    I’ve heard a few men too many say that they find the sex lives with their partners boring because they want their sex lives to be like porn. Now THIS is a big problem. I’m all for trying new things and keeping a great sex life but I’m NOT a porn star or a professional sex worker and I’d guess most women aren’t either. Regardless of whether I’m in a relationship I still have work, hobbies, sleeping and other daily activities to carry on with.

    I’d guess that most women don’t have the “luxury” to get home after a day’s work, dress up like a prostitute and lie spread eagle on the living room floor waiting for their partners to come home and shove a lamp up their butt and a fist into their vagina or whatever fabulous fantasy is going on in a man’s head.

    In any case from what I’ve seen a woman who would find that lifestyle appealing isn’t the sort of woman a man can expect not to screw every one of his friends, co-workers, neighbors, family members etc. Though I’m sure there’s a man out there who finds this appealing.

    Another trouble is that talking about porn is just such a HUGE turn off for most women I meet and for me too! I ended up on this site because I met one of the most gorgeous men on this planet, amazing kisser and seemed like a decent, sweet guy. BUT he can’t stop talking about porn! We haven’t even had sex yet (he’s on assignment in a different state for work) and in our online chats he keeps telling me how he loves porn because “there are so many positions” and that he wants that.

    How can I not ask how a gorgeous man like that even have time for porn??? I’d imagine he could screw everything in sight so WHY would he prefer porn? Ultimately the question is WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM that he’s fallen in love with porn (and thinks that it’s ok to tell me about it)?

    To end before this gets too long, I’ll briefly mention that I’ve also noticed that men who are way into porn tend to have low levels of respect for women (I’ve had many guy friends in life). This is also a problem.

    [Reply]

  • Desirae Says:

    This article helped answer a lot of my questions. I feel less paranoid and
    Insecure. I felt like my sex wasn’t good enough and that’s why he continued to masterbate. Thankfully I don’t have the problem w him staring at other women when I’m around (I’m usually the one telling him ‘wow did you see her? She was so hot!’). I actually feel like I’m more of a guy than he is after reading this article….which I’m not sure is a good or bad thing. I think i watch more porn than he does. Today we didn’t have sex but these past three days we have and I swear he’s like the freaking energizer bunny! I get what you mean abt girls having to be in the mood and how that doesn’t exist for guys. Made me feel good to know that was normal. About the changing to be around attractive women..that made me feel way better! I always feel like he does this at his workplace….I dnt wanna make this any longer than it is..so thank you for this article. It gave me some peace of mind.

    [Reply]

  • ramblergirl Says:

    Okay, straight dope dad,
    What if my situation is mostly the reverse of this? (I also posted this, mistakenly twice, on your entry on “how to get more sex from your partner”)
    I am a very sexual woman with a strong sex drive. I am in my “peak” (I turned 40 this year) but I have had a strong sex drive for years. I’m told I am physically beautiful and emotionally beautiful as well (though we all have our ugly faults).

    3 years ago, I ended my 14-year marriage b/c of many of the issues you’ve discussed here. He was emotionally void and not involved with the kids or housework, proving his belief that since he was the breadwinner and I “just” stayed at home with the kids, that he was exempt from those duties. When we were dating, we had sex daily but literally as soon as we got married, he practically stopped having sex with me. He was 24 years old, for God’s sake! He was supposed to be at the top of his sex drive!
    I feel for the men who are being continually rejected. It’s not just frustrating, it hurts. Deep down. Well it hurt all that much more that I was a WOMAN who couldn’t get her man to have regular, frequent sex with her. When i caught him masturbating, i was FLABBERGASTED! I did not (and still don’t) understand why a man would masturbate when there is an attractive woman who wants him (now) in the next room!? Long story short, the years of emotional and sexual neglect, occasional emotional abuse (if i confronted him) and the blatant rejection took a major toll on my opinion of myself and on my confidence around sex.

    Fast forward to now: I am in a committed relationship with a beautiful, loving, WAY more evolved man and we have a baby. Now, because he is very different than the ex, and I react/respond to him differently, we have different issues in our relationship. But some things are ringing similar. Not sure if they’re truly the same or if it just pushes that button on all that hurt and rejection from the past relationship.

    Here’s my current dilemma: we definitely have more sex than i did with my ex, but it is still with me initiating most of the time. He knows i want sex more and he always says he’ll “work on it,” but things only change for a brief time. It hurts. He really is a very sexual person and he absolutely loves the sex (as do I) when we have it. It hurts b/c he IS very sexual and visual and looks at other women, at porn, etc, yet he doesn’t express that by pursuing me? He and i have argued multiple times about him masturbating. I don’t get it! I don’t have a fundamental problem with masturbation, as long as no one is being avoided, ignored or neglected. I can understand why a man who’s not getting enough sex would be masturbating, but why would he be doing that when there’s a loving and willing partner in the next f*@king room who isn’t getting enough sex? From what he says, it sounds like his ex wife rejected his advances a lot and he just stopped initiating and she started cheating. Serial cheating. So i know he has some hurt and baggage around this topic as i do. I try talking to him about it but I tread lightly b/c i don’t want to make him feel bad about himself or guilty for not initiating more or meeting my needs well, as that will only compound the problem. But if we don’t remedy this situation soon, I can feel myself pulling away from him and shutting down. Straight dope dad, what do you think might be going on and what can I do about it?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Interesting situation you have. I’m a big fan of goal setting with clear expectations to achieve those goals. So you goal is more sex, which he enjoys but has problems initiating. You’re ready to go anytime. So you two need to set a minimum level of expected sex per week. And he needs to be the one who initiates it. So you can relax because you know you’re needs will get met and he can relax because he knows that he’s in control, so he can be more flexible with following his sexual rhythms. This is what my partner and I did many years ago. I was always pursuing sex and she was mostly rejecting me. So both of us were agitated. So we made an agreement, I’ll stop bugging her, but she must guarantee and minimum number of times per week ( approximately every other day). It’s worked beautifully. We are both so much more relaxed and happy.

    As for the masturbating, yes he should stop. At least for while. That’s only productive in releasing EXCESS sexual energy. If you don’t have enough for your partner then you should stop. I would say the same thing if he was too full to eat your awesome dinner you just made because he kept snacking right before dinner time. He needs to stop snacking because he’s ruining his appetite.

    This year, I’ve nearly stopped masturbating entirely because 1) We’re actually having more sex now that we used to so I’m really satisfied, and 2) I’m 46 and I don’t have all that excess sexual energy to burn anymore.

    And I don’t miss it one bit. This also means I watch very little porn now, because I mainly watched it as a masturbatory aid.

    [Reply]

  • Sam Says:

    Im 24 and my boyfriend is nearly 30, we are on our second try of the relationship as previously it was bad timing and we were always nagging and one day I found porn links in his browser history. I asked him and he didnt deny it, which was nice to know he was honest. But I was very heartbroken, and he felt very guilty and told me he was ashamed of himself and told me he wouldn’t do it again, because “now he knows it hurts me”. Which ok, its nice to think, but now reading your article makes me think he’s now lying to me?

    Our relationship now is great, we are very experimental, however I am still a virgin. I was nearly raped by my ex…and this has made me very frightened to trust men anyway and hes kindly told me he is willing to wait till im ready. I want to furfil his desires as much as I can, but I want a relationship with a guy who is honest with me, the type where we can tell eachother we’re both masturbating about one another, or if he ever did watch porn to please tell me. What makes it so much worse is that guys hide it. Is there any way I can get him to be open with me if he is still doing it? He knows im sensitive o the subject but I want him to communicate with me. I know guys hate seeing their Mrs upset and will do what they can to make them happy, but not to a point where they have to lie or hide.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    This is a tough one. He’s obviously a decent guy who’s sensitive to your history. He’s masturbating to porn which is not uncommon. You want him to be honest yet you’ve told him that you’re sensitive to the issue and you aren’t having intercourse because of the past near rape situation. He has no incentive to be honest with you about this subject. Why would he want to inflict more pain on top of the pain you already have? What could he possible gain from it?

    If you want him to be honest about it you’re going to make it clear that you will be fine with it and that it won’t cause harm to the relationship. Otherwise it would be reckless to be honest. This will take a series of discussions over a period of time until he’s sure it won’t be used against him. Watching porn together a few times may be one way to demystify it and bring it out in the open.

    I sympathise with his situation. But there’s honesty and then there’s needless emotional junk that someone can dump on you that you now have to process. You say you want him to be 100% honest, but how do you want it expressed? Do you want him to just admit that he will continue to watch porn and then that will be the end of that topic? Do you want him to tell you every time he does? Keep a journal that you will review? Do you also want him to tell you every time he’s frustrated that he can’t have intercourse with you, or that your breath sometimes smells, or those jeans aren’t that flattering, or sometimes he’s not interested in how your day was, or that your favorite band is lame. Those would be being honest too. But to say those things to your partner would be needless cruel and hurtful.

    People say they want 100% honesty but they don’t. Life would be nasty and brutish if it was. That doesn’t mean people want to be lied too it’s just that being exposed to every thing your partner thinks or does would be exhausting. So the real question is, how important is it that he admits or keeps you informed about his porn habits. If it important, than yes, he needs to be 100% honest. But asking for honestly also implies amnesty. You can’t both ask for honesty but also punish him if you don’t like the answer.

    So it’s your call really.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Honesty yes, we don’t want honesty when we also have our hearts broken over it and we aren’t going to get it because it does cause the hurt or the arguments. How man people come home after screwing someone else saying, Hey honey, whats for dinner? Oh by the way I just fucked my secretary today and she was way better than you! That would hurt!! I think its the same thing with porn. Even when I was ok with it .. even doing it myself .. Im sure my husband still had his “private” moments to be a primitive monster with it without me knowing a thing. We can’t be everything to our partners, at least thats how I feel now. And I am almost ready to stop trying to be. I really need a good nights sleep!

    [Reply]

  • Recovering Addict Says:

    I won’t lie, as a guy, I found this article very amusing. It was a really fun read. But on a serious note, I respectfully disagree with the author’s view. A little background on myself: I’m 21. Currently single. Just got out of college. Masturbated and watched porn pretty much everyday between Dec. 2005 and Oct. 31 2012. That’s seven good years of my life. Well, I’m proud to say that I gave up porn and masturbation in November and it has completely changed my life and how I view women in general.
    Throughout college, I viewed women as nothing but walking, talking breasts and butts. Sad, but true. Why bother even risk being rejected by real world women when I had full access to thousands of hot cyber women ready to please me at the click of a mouse? I spent hours everyday masturbation. My relationships suffered. Nothing felt as good as jacking off to porn. Nothing. Not friends. Not family. And certainly not real women with all their demands and imperfections.
    Well, I knew something was wrong when I discovered I was losing my ability to keep the erection. My penis was pretty much always half-limp and it would always take me more than an hour to climax. I was craving crazier porn (shemales, bandage, etc) just to get off.
    Then I read about how porn messes up how your brain manages dopamine. Then I understood. Porn was the reason nothing else in life was giving me pleasure. Porn was the reason I felt so anxious and depressed every moment I wasn’t jacking off.
    So I decided to quit. It was brutally difficult because I had gotten addicted. People who tell you that porn is just a “man thing”  or a private hobby are simply in denial. They don’t want to fess up and say they are simply addicted to it and lack the willpower to break free. The next time they give you a speech about how porn is not really a problem, dare them to go just 3 days without it. Nope. They won’t be able to. They’ll try to justify porn. They’ll get angry at your for even bringing it up. They will get defensive and withdraw. Why? They are addicted and they are in denial.
    Well, as of today, Dec 21, 2012, I have gone almost 2 months with absolutely no porn. I have gone 12 days without masturbating at all. For the first time since I was a kid, I find myself seeing women as… people. People like me. People with thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, desires, and passions. At no point when I watched porn did I not judge women mainly on their breast sizes or thighs. But now, I see them as human beings. It’s been painfully hard, but I’m getting better. I am getting my life back.

    My girlfriend commented on how happy she is that I am fighting this fight. She loves that she will NEVER have to worry that she is competing with models on a computer screen. She loves that the smell of her hair, touching her skin, the sound of her giggling and even her warm breath is enough to get me extremely rock hard.  She knows that when we are making love, I’m doing it because of how I feel about her. I’m not fantasizing about some woman with gigantic breasts getting penetrated by two men at the same time. We don’t have to deal with the erectile dysfunction that results from heavy porn use. Yep. Giving up porn is slowly restoring my brain. I am digging myself out of this pit I have been going deeper and deeper into for 7 years. I will make it out. I will beat porn.
    So, no woman should think they have a problem if they don’t like their man watching porn. As a dude, I would DEFINITELY refuse to accept a partner that chose sexual gratification from porn over what I have to offer. I would be heartbroken to find my girlfriend getting an orgasm from watching other more muscular men with larger penises. Ladies, if your partner doesn’t respect you enough to give up porn, it’s time to move on. You don’t need that kind of emotional pain. You don’t need to have your self esteem destroyed. There are men out there who have given up porn. You just have to find us.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Thanks for posting this story. And everything you say is true…for an addict. That’s the key part. You had a serious addiction. Most don’t. Most people can have a drink of alcohol now and then and it will have zero negative effects to their life and those around them. Marijuana smoking is the same way. Sam with porn and masturbation. Most things are that way. However, when ANYTHING becomes an addiction, it’s a problem. For you it was porn. And I suspect in a couple of years it will be something else. Maybe eating. Maybe drinking. Maybe watching sports. It’s the nature of the addict. It’s clear you are hard wired for addiction but you are also have a high degree self control and self awareness. So hopefully this will be your one and only decent into addiction. And trust me, I get it. My partner is very moderate. Always has been. I, on the other hard, am not. I am prone to addiction and if one is good, then two is better. I’m just really intense all around. I have strong opinions, and strong passions. So I get both how you got addicted, but also how that same intensity and focus can pull you out of it.

    Right now, you are rightfully enthusiastic and feel amazing for beating your addiction. But it’s only been two months and you’re only 21. You’re hot, your girlfriend is hot (believe me, in hindsight you’ll realize that ALL 21 year olds are hot, but you didn’t know it because you were 21) and life is easy. So you have almost no stressors. The real test will come when you are in your 30′s, your wife is pregnant with your second kid, you’ve haven’t slept properly in two years, you can barely pay the bills, you somehow gained fifteen pounds but can’t figure out why, and you’re lucky if you get a half and hour a day just to sit and think without distractions. That’s when you really need to keep on your toes because long term relationships with children are not conducive to happiness. It can bring unimaginable happiness and deep satisfaction when managed properly, but if it isn’t, there are very few things that will bring so much stress, disappointment, frustration, anger and sadness as raising kids in a long term relationship. So high risk, but high rewards. Which is how most of life is.

    It’s sad to say, but it’s so true, and my partner feels the same way. We are happiest when our family leaves for a couple of day and we have the house to ourselves. It feel AMAZING! However, to have that permanently would mean giving up everything else. And everything else, taken as a whole, totally beats being a lone wolf with no obligations to anyone but ourselves. That’s why most of us continue to do the relationship/family thing.

    And congratulations again on beating your addiction. You sound really on top of things and are doing everything right.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Well what rock are you hiding under .. every guy and tell me if you thought this before too .. says its a guy thing .. its what all guys do .. and it has nothing to do with their partners. For me its not porn specifically .. but just needing to “see” other women!

    [Reply]

  • ramblergirl Says:

    Wow, Recovering Addict, thanks for sharing that. Seriously. Congratulations on your new found freedom. I agree with you to a point. As much as i don’t understand the serious draw to porn, i have watched it on occasion. But i don’t need it to orgasm and if it bothered my boyfriend, i would not do it at all. I do think porn addiction is way more prevalent than most of us realize but i don’t think that every man who watches porn is addicted. However, i don’t know what constitutes “addiction” to porn. I do think men justify porn a lot when they just don’t want to let go of something that is “just theirs,” not shared with their partner. I, personally, think *that* is part of the draw for some men. It is something they feel they control, that the woman can’t dictate in their lives and dammit, they’re not giving up that one last thing that woman hasn’t changed about them. I do think if one’s partner truly and legitimately has a problem with it, or anything one does, for that matter, not just porn, that person, man or woman, should be willing to give it up for the relationship. Recovering Addict, what is the minimum end of the spectrum of porn addiction? Meaning not as often as you did or as much time per day as you dedicated to it, though i know plenty do way worse!
    Straight Dope Dad, thanks for your response to my inquiry. I also wonder something. My boyfriend says i just “don’t get it” when it comes to masturbation. He also says something that sounds off or unlikely but i wanted to know a man’s opinion of it. He says that his masturbation is actually beneficial b/c he says the more he masturbates, the more he wants to have sex. And the more we have sex, the more he wants to and does masturbate. Can you please explain this notion of his. . . ?

    [Reply]

    Recovering Addict Reply:

    Hi Rambler. The problem with trying to see porn as a personal thing that is “just theirs” is that the effects of porn use are NEVER personal. Think of it like smoking, or drug use. Yes, you do these things to your body. Yes, it’s a personal decision. But these things will affect those around you. Friends, family, loved ones. Second hand smoke damages those around you. The urge to use drugs pushes people to steal and kill. All these “personal things” have broader, negative effects. That is the way porn is too. You’ll start to see women as nothing but sex objects. While you’re having fun gawking at them, and imagining how they would be in some porn scene, they notice and get uncomfortable. It becomes difficult to form meaningful relationships with them because you think they are only good for their bodies.
    A partner may be watching it in secret, but it is only a matter of time before the porn starts causing problems. If he knows you don’t approve of porn, he will become secretive and start lying to you. It won’t take long before he realizes the women online look more attractive than you do. It won’t take long before he realizes there is more variety online than anything new you want to try out with him. He will realize it is easier to enjoy porn and blow his load  without having to worry about your own sexual satisfaction. To put it simply, try as you may, sex with you just won’t do it for him anymore. You may be available, willing, right there, but he would rather leave you and go find new cyber women.

    The thing that makes porn so attractive is that it releases massive amounts of dopamine in your brain. Dopamine is what makes you feel happy. When you eat good food, your brain releases a little dopamine. When you meet up with your best friend from high school, your brain releases a little dopamine. When you watch porn and masturbate, you brain releases A TON of dopamine. Nothing else in life will feel as good. You will keep coming back for more porn. Over time you’ll need kinkier and more fetishy porn to make your brain release even more dopamine. Many people start off by watching strip teases and looking at pictures of models, but after a while they start looking for far more crazy porn. Bad bad bad. Even though you are the nicest and most loving and the sexiest girlfriend, climaxing inside you will NOT feel as good to your partner as porn will.

    And as with everything with dopamine, you will feel bad when you are not getting it. The moment you climax from porn, and the high goes away, the low will come. You will feel depressed, guilty, low energy, anxious, irritable, etc. You may try to do other things, but deep down you are just waiting until the next time you can watch porn again.
    But hey, if you’re okay with your partner watching porn, it’s your preference. I’m not here to preach that porn is evil lol. I just don’t like how it creates so many problems in relationships that would have been just fine.

    My question then though is, why porn? If he’s into things you can’t “control”  why doesn’t he try other things? There are so many sports and activities, clubs and hobbies that he can get involved in. They can be “his thing” and you won’t get to control them. Messing around with porn, even in very little amounts, has the potential to lead to dissatisfaction and all sorts of other problems.

    [Reply]

    Roxana Reply:

    Hi, felt the need to add my two pence.. My husband has done exactly waht you have, Recovering Addict, and after about 5 months now, we are closer than ever. He never thought of himself as an addict… but since then, anyway, our intimacy is so much better not in only the sexual aspect….

    It may be that some couples can tune in in addition to enjoying porn separately, but it is also true that many can not, in which case it is their duty to strnghten their relationship, or go separate ways, but none of this double standard misery when she feels neglected and he shrugs his shoulders and says ‘it’s all genetic’…

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    First I’ll address this statement “I do think if one’s partner truly and legitimately has a problem with it, or anything one does, for that matter, not just porn, that person, man or woman, should be willing to give it up for the relationship.” This sounds good on paper until you are dealing with a person who’s unreasonable. I had one surf buddy who’s wife seriously wanted him to give up surfing. Part of the problem was that he discovered surfing AFTER he got married. So now she’s stuck with a surfer husband and she didn’t understand his new passion and that his life is now permanently altered. But surfing is one of the healthiest, most exhilerating, most life affirming activities you can partake in. And it’s just not surfing. I see wives even demanding their husbands give up playing in music! So no, you shouldn’t give up something just because your partner has a serious problem with it. There needs to be some facts behind it and the activity must be shown to cause actual damage to the relationship, not just perceived damage because your partner is not bowing to your every wish and resisting becoming a mirror image of you.

    As far as your boyfriend and masturbating. His argument is very weak and actually contradicts biology. Ejaculation, in of itself, drains energy. Your brain actually releases chemicals that encourage sleep after ejaculation. That’s how much energy is expended. You body actually wants to go to sleep afterwards. However, when you have sex with another person, the other biochemical reactions that fire off in your brain and body kind of mitigate a lot of the drained energy. However, masturbation is a one way street. It’s pure energy expenditure. So regular masturbation can’t increase your sexual readiness and desire for sex with a real person. It can only diminish it.

    However, if someone has an addiction to porn, or masturbation, or sex, then yes, these activities will fuel more desire. It won’t be an actual desire though. It will be a purely anxiety driven desire for more. This is the nature of addiction. The big bummer with addiction is the more you partake in your addiction, the less payoff you get, so the more driven you become to get that payoff.

    I’m not saying that your boyfriend is addicted. His sex drive may be truly through the roof and he’s got a lot of energy to burn. His reasoning is faulty, but he real question is, does his masturbation interfere with your sex life together, does it interfere with his emotional and intellectual intimacy, or is it interfering with maintaining his professional commitments or pursuit of his life goals. If not, well then he’s doing fine.

    [Reply]

  • Yashika Marshall Says:

    I have been with spouse for ten years and lately I have been wanting sex and he ignores me and says he is tired or not in the mood.I do everything under the sun to please him but he still don’t act on it..is he tired,cheating on me what would you think

    [Reply]

  • Louise Says:

    I love reading this forum you sound very honest and understanding I do have a question.. I just moved out with my partner of 1 and a half years im 22 and he is 26. I recently discovered his wanking habits! Every morning I was so unaware of what he was doing with his iPad in the toilet now I know.. Obviously when I’m getting ready with him he doesn’t but the minute I’m not there or still asleep he’s onto it.. We have great sex and so much too I don’t get it?? I remember a few times him saying things like ” I don’t need to wank anymore I have you” (obviously i thought in my head i doubt it) but I believe this is where all my worries have evolved around.. I know the difference between a man who masturbates to release instead of sex before work to get on with his day and a man who holds out on his partner, he however does it In the morning before work or when I’m not home.. We have sex most weekend mornings aswell when were both awake.. I just feel a little inadequate he’s such a gentleman??? I wonder when men watch all different porn videos what r they thinking? Is it what the people are Doing that’s a major turn on for men or what they look like?? I feel weird lying in bed now then him coming in to say goodbye after his done. I guess I’m nieve and this boy swept me of my feet so id like to understand. I Haven’t said anything to him about how i feel because he’s his own person and I’m happy with our sex life, I guess it’s just bringing out a few insecurities I didn’t think I had and now so many thoughts go through my head when I have to leave the house or he goes to the bathroom.. Help me feel at ease!
    Thank you

    [Reply]

    Louise Reply:

    Also is it normal for a man to masturbate more then they have sex?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    No, it’s not normal but I could see how it could happen because you have more stimulus around you when you live with someone. But the regular sex should, biologically speaking, reduce the desire to masturbate. But he probably masturbated even more in the past when he was single.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    The only way to feel better about this is keep telling yourself it has nothing to do with you, which is true. You are not driving him to masturbate. It really has nothing to do with you at all. I think this is a particularly female perspective. I know my partner (and according to all my guy friends their wives are the same way) learn towards “everything is my business and everything somehow relates to me” perspective. Guys just don’t have that perspective. We’ll occasionally give unsolicited advice if our buddy is going to do something with a very high chance of failure and danger, but for the most part we stay out of each other’s business and don’t take things personally or think that every reaction or behavior is somehow a reflection of us as a person. I seriously don’t know how women do it. It sounds exhausting.

    [Reply]

    Louise Reply:

    He has said to me on a few occasions that he’s a lot hornier in a relationship especially having me around all the time, so you are right. And unfortunatly it is true that women do often have that perspective about “everything being something to do with us” I will defiantly think twice about this now. I don’t think he does masturbate more then sex (which is every night and weekend mornings) but he does a lot so I was just curious to know. THANKYOU for your response.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Well, why do we stay monogamous if our feelings, wants and needs “sexually” have nothing to do with our partners? I can hear my husband using that same line after cheating on me .. well honey, it has nothing to do with you. I get it but I just don’t get it .. and yes, it is exhausting.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Well cheaters cheat because they are cheaters. There’s no correlation between their partner’s behavior, their feelings for their partner, or even their happiness in their current relationship on whether or not they cheat. That’s why you can’t stop a cheater, you can only avoid being in a relationship with one. Cheaters cheap because they have a sense of entitlement and feel they have every right to have it both ways. Entitlement is the root of all cheating. But I never said our feelings, wants and needs “sexually” have nothing to do with our partners. I said masturbating (with or without porn) has nothing to do with our partner. But women tend to lump that in together with stuff that does matter, hence the confusion on both sides. But yes, cheating is also like masturbation in the sense that it is generally disconnected from the status of the relationship and works independently of the behavior of their partner.

    [Reply]

  • Someone Says:

    Seems all good and fair, but sometimes the insecurities of a woman watching her man look at porn is not so much based on the general concept that he’s looking at other women, but focused more on the type of women he is looking at. I’m overweight, and while I accept that my boyfriend loves me for who I am, gets sexually turned on by me (god knows how many times I look up and surprise, boner!), and is faithful and all that jazz, it still makes me feel uncomfortable to know that he will look at porn of skinny women and only skinny women.

    Makes me think, well… is that what you want? It’s a dangerous question, I know, because while I know I satisfy him emotionally, I also know I don’t necessarily satisfy him sexually. And he can tell me sex doesn’t matter, but… doesn’t it? How can I be confident in me being sexy enough for him if we can’t get it on right, or he looks at women skinnier than me (and I mean there is a difference: I’m a size 16 and they’re a size 4, so there goes my ego). Competition with porn or fantasy ladies is silly on some level, but usually the competition is similar, I would think. If he masturbated to other overweight or chubby women, then fuck it, whatever. But this is an ideal. This is something that implies to me that he’s not satisfied with the way I look.

    And I get that I need to lose weight. I’m not here to be told that or even to be reassured with “but he loves you the way you are” nonsense. That is not the point. While I can accept that my boyfriend can look at other women and even fantasize about them, knowing what he chooses to look at/fantasize about still hurts when I feel as if they’re better. Why bother being with me? Cause I’m funny and smart? Big fucking deal. There are plenty of funny and smart ladies who are skinnier too. Why me?

    I hate sounding so bitter about weight, but this type of insecurity could go for anything a girl might wonder. A small-breasted girl might wonder why her man likes big-breasted women in his porn. A white girl might get jealous over black porn stars. The girl with the purest temple might wonder if she should get all sorts of tattoos to match the suicide girl fetish her man’s got.

    Sure, we can accept you like other women, but can’t they be in our category? Can’t we feel like we won? It hurts, and no matter how confident I try to be, the nagging, soul-crushing, self-esteem destroying thought of, “But I guess he’d wish I were [so-and-so] is what he really wants…” still comes to mind. And that sucks.

    [Reply]

    Recovering Addict Reply:

    I totally agree with you Someone. I posted on this thread a few days ago and was conveniently told that my concerns, which are exactly the ones you raise, only apply to porn addicts. Feel free to read my post. I put it up a few days ago.
    I am of the opinion that irrespective of how infrequently one partner uses porn in solitude, it will negatively harm the other. Have you brought your concerns up with your boyfriend? If you have, and he continues to watch that stuff, he’s just being selfish. He knows it’s hurting you. He knows how it makes you feel, but he still continues to indulge. It is like being with a chain smoker who wants to keep you around, and have you inhale his second hand smoke all day long. He knows you don’t like how the smoking makes you feel, but he doesn’t want to give it up. He’s enjoying the best of both worlds.
    There is absolutely nothing wrong with you in this case. Porn ravages self esteem. There’s just no way we can compete with those stars. I don’t know how other aspects of the relationship are, but I think you need to evaluate what is important to you. Is it worth it being with someone who consistently makes you feel physically and sexually inadequate? Is it worth it living in constant insecurity over how you look. You think your problem is your weight? I’m 99 percent sure that even if you busted your ass and lost weight, those digitally edited porn stars will still look hotter. Change up your hairstyle, dress in sexy lingerie, do whatever you want, but you will not be able to provide the crazy variety porn offers. Your boyfriend will just find another reason to just keep watching.
    In the end, I think he needs to understand that relationships require sacrifice. His thinking should go something like: porn is awesome and I really love masturbating to it, but it makes my girlfriend feel like crap. It stops her from being at ease when we’re having sex. It makes her insecure about how she looks. My watching porn is preventing her from feeling good about herself. I like porn, but I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend. Maybe I should give it up. I think I will give it up.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s a tough one. Because if you project all those feeling into what he’s doing you will always feel inadequate. You think it would be different if he looked at porn with women with your body type but it’s not true. Then you’d say “aren’t I good enough, why does he need to look at other large women?” or you’d pick on their hair color, hair style, race, anything really. The root is your insecurity. I don’t think anyone knows how to fix that because it’s a story we tell ourselves, for good or bad, that runs independent of reality. So you need to develop an replacement story. But women put way too much emphasis on the “looks=sexy” part when attitude and enthusiasm is what counts. Looks are just a starting point, it’s everything else that is sexy. There’s no reason you can’t be the hottest women in the world in bed. Having sex with a woman who’s confident, comfortable with herself, comfortable with her body, and especially comfortable and aware of her man’s body, is awesome. If you’ve ever seen a good looking woman who’s just a horrible stripper, you’ll know what I mean. The dollar bills flow to the girls that make a man feel special and are comfortable with what they do. The one’s that obviously hate their job make the guys divert their eyes and wish she’d go away. This reaction is completely independent of her looks and body. The reason I bring this up is because women think that the strippers with the biggest boobs get all the attention and money, when it the one’s with the best attitude that do. Some guys are fetish oriented and they only see parts. But the majority are rewarding the overall experience on how the woman makes them feel emotionally about themselves. So even in the most basic economics of sex work, attitude reigns supreme.

    Again, I’m not comparing you to a stripper, I’m just pointing out that even in satisfying the basest of desires, good looks don’t matter that much. So if guys, in a strip club environment, reward strippers with the best attitudes you know it’s doubly so in real life.

    [Reply]

  • Nisha Says:

    Hello Sir,
    trully your site is too good and I felt so relieved after finding out that I’m not the only person with problem regarding pornography.. Well I’m 25 and going to get married soon with my fiance with whom I am in a living relationship.. He was never interested in watching porn movies and would get angry wheneva I used to insist him to watch to spice up our sex life. Everything was going great and we were so into eachother until I day when I went to his office and into his cabin where I found many literally many dirty porno dvds.. And not only that I also found out from his one friend that he goes to brothels as well.. I really dont know what to do now to break up or to stay with him?
    P.S. Since few months it seems hez completely lost his interest on me n we hardly had sex since few months..m really heartbroken dont know what to do where to go..

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Consider this discovery one of the greatest gifts you’ll ever receive. Rarely does someone spell out so clearly how completely unsuited they are to functioning as a healthy human being. Run from this guy. He’s poison. He’s also already broken up with you you just haven’t figured it out yet.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Your gonna get tired of me yet but how is discovering porn dvds a reason to leave someone .. men lie or just say nothing about this all the time so Im having a hard time on you advice for this one. I mean, people also get stuck in ruts, sexually, but that doesnt mean ya never will get that passion back. IDK, thought it was worth a little more thought. My husband just told me he hasnt jerked off in the past two years other than in my face .. do I believe that? especially on days he works, he barely has any spunk for me later that night so I assume he has gotten rid of some while at work.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    It’s not the DVDS. It’s the having sex with prostitutes, the withholding of intimacy, as well as his anger when she would suggest watching porn together (which he apparently is already doing). All this ads up to someone who’s a borderline sociopath. If she stays with him she deserves all the misery he will inflict upon her life. Reread her story again. This guy is a full on mental case. There’s a big difference between accepting that men are different, and accepting abuse, neglect and sociopathic behavior.

    [Reply]

  • Me Says:

    Dear Dope Daddy,

    I just recently semi-confirmed a long-held suspicion of mine that my boyfriend is cheating on me. When I say “semi-confirmed”, what I mean is that I know that he is lying to me about when and how often he is talking to a female “friend” of his. However, I have yet to confirm that they are actually fucking. For the past 5,I have always been suspicious of their relationship. My boyfriend has been friends with this woman for almost 12 years, and this is his excuse for their constant texting each other. My problem isn’t the fact that they text each other, but that it happens after he tells me he’s going to bed and that he’ll talk to me the next day. Meanwhile, I find out that he was texting her all night…1am to 5am. This happened more than once. My problem is not leaving him…it’s that he cries like a fucking baby every time I try. I feel hurt that he lies, but I feel guilty when he cries. I would love to hear your perspective.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Of course he cries like a baby when you threaten to derail his gravy train. There is no reason for him to change. You’ve made it clear by staying with him that you are actually fine with his cheating. Even if he’s not actually having sex, late night secret texts to an old flame is still cheating. A guy who’s secretly investing all this energy with another woman clearly has a thing for her. Guys just don’t invest that much into a woman without a chance of scoring or to keep the fantasy alive or to get a sexual charge. Perhaps gay men do, but not straight men. They just don’t unless they are working on a intense project together or in a band together. But just to talk late into the night on a regular basis because, you know, that’s what friends do, is a bit of a stretch.

    We train people how to treat us. People who get treated badly, save for true victims (child abuse, a stalker, a random attack, etc) usually have bad life patterns that give clear signals to people that they are to be treated like dirt. You’ve trained him to think that his cheating is acceptable by staying with him. In fact, every time you confront him or threaten to leave him, but don’t follow through, you just reinforce this message.

    This is precisely how begging becomes a problem with children. A child begs for five minutes and then the parent gives in. The next time the child knows he needs to invest at least 5 minutes to get what he wants. The next time the parents hold out for 10 minutes before caving. Now the child’s begging clock is set for ten minutes. This continues until there is no time limit to which a child will give up.

    By taking him back each time you’ve set his begging clock farther and farther out. Who knows how long he’d bawl his eyes out after five years of begging training under his belt? He knows the routine. But that’s not your responsibility or concern. He’s an adult. A few pats on the back and a few here here’s is all he deserves and then send him on his way.

    He’s got a really sweet deal. Why would he give it up?

    And I’m speaking as someone who doesn’t have rigid and unrealistic ideas about faithfulness. I’m not a purest who says that even having thoughts about another person is cheating. I’ve always had close friendships with women. I’ve also had crushes on these some of these women. My own relationship with my partner developed slowly as a friendship first. Have I had crushes on female friends during my 24 years with my partner? Yes. Did I sneak around? No. Did my partner know when I had a crush? Yes. She also knows that I’m 100% faithfull, that crushes are normal, and after a couple of months I lose interest – which is what’s supposed to happen. But ongoing, long term, secret meetings is not good. That’s not proper behavior in a committed relationship.

    [Reply]

    Me Reply:

    Ok, so I have the semi-proof that he is having an affair. I still love him, and he loves me. I know if I forgive him that he’ll likely continue to jerk off, fuck, etc. other women. The problem that will continue to shadow my decision to leave him alone is that my family, himself, and his family will be disillusioned and disheartened by the breakup. He has infiltrated my family as a caring and die-for-you type of man. I am afraid of letting his and my family down. I want to forgive him because I know he is doing what any man would do if they had the opportunity to do. But, then again, I think of my brothers, and I know that he IS NOT doing what what they (my brothers) would do. I personally feel that his lil’ whore-mistress is more responsible for this than anyone involved. What do you think her accountability is in this state of AFFAIRS?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Her accountability is irrelevant. Disappointing your family is irrelevant. These are all excuses you use to avoid taking responsibility for your life and letting your boyfriend off the hook. This is your life. No one has any control over it unless you give it to them. If you stay then you’ve chosen to let others expectations and desires control your life. If that’s how you want to live, then suck it up and develop some good coping skills to keep from spiraling into despair. It’s your choice. The other woman has a sweet deal too. All the fun part of a relationship without all the hard stuff. She get’s the fun and you get the baggage. Don’t spend another second projecting blame onto her. You hold 100% of the blame once you made it clear that this was acceptable.

    It’s like lending money to someone that never pays you back yet continuing to lend them money but blame everyone and everything else (he can’t find a job, it’s expensive to live in the city, his dad died, his dog died, he’s got drug problem. etc) because they always shaft you.

    And no, he’s not doing what any man would if he had the opportunity. Most don’t cheat and opportunity has nothing to do with it. Cheating is based on a sense of entitlement and complete disregard for the person being cheated on. It’s a sociopathic behavioral trait.

    And if you do leave him, please figure out why you feel you should accept so little. All behavior we engage is a reflection of our self image. So people who are abused or exploited, and willingly stay, do so because it fulfills their self image. There’s always a pay-off. You get something from this situation. There is a kind of reward you get from being cheated on. If you don’t figure out what it is and fix it, you will subconscious select another boyfriend who will also cheat on you.

  • Really? Says:

    Actually, studies show that men that view porn are more critical of their own partners after viewing it. It’s not really about a black and white answer that if a man looks at porn he hates you and your body and it also doesn’t mean that it has *no* relationship to how he feels about his partner or women in general either. After all, a lot of porn is pretty degrading toward women.

    I think women understand that men will look at other women. However, it is not just a reflex. It is not something men *have* to do. Grown men have the ability to control their own thoughts and actions. They have the ability to exercise self control and not entertain every little thought or woman that comes into his visual field. This requires a man who will practice self control and one that respects himself enough to not disrespect his partner. And yes, advocating that men simply can’t control themselves and must look and have sexual thoughts of other women is disrespectful to both that man and his partner. Now of course, a man is not perfect and he will at times have sexual thoughts of others. However, he is able to work to his best ability to control that out of respect for the commitment he has most likely made to his partner. Relationships are not simply about men and what they want and need. And men, if you want a relationships to be about that, then you should be single where you can oggle, have thoughts and look at as much porn as you need to make yourself happy. But don’t get into a relationship, claim you love and respect your partner, then not control any aspect of yourself short of sleeping with other women. That’s not what real men do.

    If otherwise committed men are making choices to be around more attractive women throughout the day, again, why are these men in relationships? If you want to pursue other attractive women, please do. But all this half-assed stuff is getting old. Men are capable of much more of that. Don’t put yourself in tempting situations if you really respect and value the woman that is in your life. Truly consider what makes her feel respected and valued and act that way whether she is there to see it or not. Because it’s what we do when our partners aren’t looking that says the most about us.

    Men very well might be ready for sex at anytime. But if you are looking at porn whenever you feel like it, trying to be around other attractive women anytime the oppurtunity presents itself, and not exercising any self control or respect for the relationship you already have, good luck expecting your woman to want to give you sex anytime you are ready for it! It’s a two way street Gentlemen. You need to be able to provide a woman with what she needs if you want the same. And if you want more sex from a woman, the last way to see that happen is by masturbating to other women and trying to be around other hot women that isn’t your partner. And if you regularly engage in these things, you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to figure out that those aren’t great motivators to engage a woman into being intimate with you. Oh the Irony!

    Sure, our men might think we are hot. And that’s wonderful. But if he is always oggling other women and other things, his attention is cheap. Don’t make your attention Cheap guys! Make it something worthy to have! Make it valuable!

    Women view true loyalaty as a relationship requirement. Actively pursuing women short of sleeping with them, watching porngraphy of 18 year olds and telling your woman to just suck it up and shut up about it and about how much you need porn isn’t going to make her feel like your a very loyal person. Those are the breaks.

    Women see how loyal a man is as an indicator about how committed he is to the relatoinship. If a man is just as or more so interested in looking at porn and finding ways to put himself in situations with other women, he might as well be making a joke of the relationship…because he is.

    If a man wants more sex in a relationship, then he needs to spend more time making his partner feel special. More time doing that then spending time justifying all his self indulgent selfish sexual behavior. :)

    Conclusion: Men you want good sex with an eager willing partner? Make her feel like the most beautiful and special woman to you. You want to create true intimacy with her and make her actually happy to give you sex? Work to figure out what she needs and be willing to give it so that she can return the favor. Frankly, women are tired of hearing about how much men need other women and need to do this and can’t help that. It’s all very self indulgent. It’s time to grow up guys. You aren’t little boys anymore with your Playboys in your basement. You are grown men in grown adult relationships and your partner care a heck of a lot more about you then some random woman… Women that do porn already think men are jokes. Don’t prove that to your own partners.

    Oh and to the author of this article, men have no problem accepting women are different from men? Bullcrap. Yourr article does not accept that women are different from men with their own needs and feelings. You just expect women to react to men and sex the same way men do. But porn and how men react to other women is a big deal to a lot of women for reasons that aren ‘t silly or trite. How about trying to respect those reasons instead of telling women they are unreasonable and belittling them like you have in this article. And again, if a man wants to oggle other women and look at porn, please do that! But why get into a relationship and then tell your partner you need to do these things to be happy? If you can’t be happy with what your partner offers you, no one is forcing you to stay with them. Please please, if you want porn and other women, please follow that path. But please stop dipping your big toe in the relationship pool and then telling your partner she needs to deal with your inabilty fully jump in and respect your relationship as you keep the rest of yourself outside the pool to flirt and tease yourself with the other women walking by.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    All good points. But you really can have normal guy urges AND be a fully committed, respectful and loving partner. My partner can attest to that and she’s got a 24 year history to judge me upon. My male friends are the same way. Very attentive, responsible and respectful and great fathers to our children. But yes, we occasionally send each other video links of guys doing stupid and dangerous things, notice other women, masturbate, watch a little porn and talk endless about surfing. And we’re all in our 40′s, have careers, support our families and own homes. My partner reads YA fiction like Twighlight and Hunger Games, watches “Say Yes to the Dress”(but has no interest in being married) and indulges in all sorts of fun and frivilous interests. But she’s also the most honest and responsible person I’ve ever met in my life, a fantastic mom and partner, and a focused dynamo. We are ALL multi-faceted and the point is that it’s healthier to accept than and find healthy ways to accommodate and channel those impulses rather than suppress them and pretend you don’t have them. Otherwise you can fall to pieces at the first crack in your armor. And yes, I do tell men to accept how women are and step up to the plate if they expect to have a good sex life.

    [Reply]

  • Suzanne Says:

    Alright I admit, this is a fantastic post. Not only does it spell out how things are, but it does so in a pretty sensitive way. It’s nice to read that, yes men are like this, but they still love just as much as women do.
    However, my problem is it’s a generalization. Saying all men watch porn is like saying all women love shopping. It’s not actually true. But then, I suppose it would be difficult to write a blog with actual statistical evidence at the end of each sentence :p
    Not all men watch porn, just the majority. And that’s not even the worldwide majority.. not all countries are rich with general access to the internet ;)

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’m glad you understand the allowances that must be made to write an article that anyone would actually want to read. That’s why I put the caveat in the beginning and then just spoke in absolutes and generalities after that point. It would be really cumbersome to qualify every statement. The article was meant to be both humorous and as shock therapy. I remember when my partner realized that her awesome, sensitive, verbally expressive, creative, loyal, honest, feminist boyfriend still had really basic guy urges just like all those others guys she despised. She was really sad and disappointed about it but it passed. Now she finds my animal side rather comical. Yesterday she found an apple core in the shower. She pointed it out and said she isn’t even going to ask how it got there. I told her I was hungry, but I also needed a shower, so I choose an apple because they can get wet and still be the same. It’s a perfect snack for the shower really. From my perspective, I was being very reasonable and proactive. From her point of view though, it’s just bad planning.

    [Reply]

    Suzanne Reply:

    Well I can completely empathize with your partner right now! I’ve recently discovered the same about mine. He’s pretty much the opposite of masculine in every way! Yet he still fits the criteria of your blog. And yeah, I am incredibly sad, and disappointed that at his core, he is just a ‘normal guy’. It’s terrible to be disappointed in someone who is nice and normal, but I can’t help it because I thought he was so much better (better sounds unfair, but I can’t deny it would be better for me if these things weren’t true). But then what are my choices? Hope to find that 1% of man who IS different.. which would be setting myself up for many disappointments in the off chance I might find one. But I won’t anyway, because I love the guy. Warts and all ;)
    Oh and I must confess, I completely missed the disclosure at the beginning of the blog stating you knew it wasn’t ALL men, so my point was invalid anyway :)

    [Reply]

  • Anna Says:

    I have a bit of a problem….I’ve asked my fiance not to watch porn, mainly because we have sex everyday, I’m beautiful, and 20 years younger than him (not that that should matter, but just saying), and if anything I’M the one begging for it all the time! if I try touching him, he usually tells me to get off him. He only has sex when he wants it, and lately he can’t even stay hard the whole time! I bring up the porn thing a lot because I’m very suspicious (not least because he’s very possessive of his computer), and he always says he doesn’t watch porn, he doesn’t have time to, doesn’t need to, etc…. Well, just today we got in an argument because the was a (supposedly ten-year-old) porn video in the back of his desk. I broke the dvd in anger and threw the case out. Then I asked him if he’s watched porn since I’ve asked him not to, and he said yes! I feel soooooo disrespected!! I could understand if he had a really high sex drive and didn’t get enough sex with me, but it’s the opposite! how can he watch porn behind my back when I’m begging him for sex, and am available for sex pretty much 24/7?? the worst part is that he lied to me and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with that! I’ve asked him if there’s anything I’m not doing that he wants, sexually, and there’s nothing…. I feel betrayed, and overall disrepected. Any adivice??? Can you tell me how he can watch porn but has a beautiful, horny, 20-year old right here that he only seems half interested in? I would really like some insight on this. Thank you.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    The good part is he’s your fiance and not your husband, so it’s much easier to leave him in a legal sense. If this is how it is already, it will only get worse. Marriage makes everything worse, and then kids make it worse still. The people who survive marriage and kids intact are the ones that work extra hard to keep it intact. So consider this moment the best and most carefree it will ever be. So the question is, is this good enough for the rest of your life? The reasons he does it are irrelevant. It’s in our nature to try and find reasons for both closure and on the hopes that if we know the reasons we can fix things. The thing is you can’t fix people, they can only fix themselves. He has no interest in fixing himself because he’s made it clear that choosing porn of real intimacy, rejecting your advances, and having a limp dick is perfectly fine for him. Yes, he lied to you about porn, but other than he’s being really honest with you. You just don’t want to believe what he’s telling you (by his actions). Actions are what matters.

    And of course he’s going to lie to you about porn. You destroyed his DVD and pester him about it all the time. You’ve proved to him he was right to lie. Very few people have the guts to tell the truth when they know it only brings punishment. I’m amazed at how often people get angry that they were lied to when they knew that if the were told the truth they would get angry and vengeful.

    Why do you think everyone pleads “not guilty” regardless of guilt. Because telling the truth guarantees punishment while lying opens your options.

    Still, none of that changes your situation. Why he lied is not important. Understanding his motives is not important. These are all distractions to avoid dealing with what is. You already told me what is, and only you can decide what to do about. We don’t always have a say in what hand life deals us, but we always have a choice on what we do with our hand.

    [Reply]

    Anna Reply:

    Well it’s really confusing,and he’s kind of contradictory…..when he has sex with me when HE wants it (and it is everyday), it’s not like there’s no passion, and he’s limp the whole time…. There’s been times at night,when I want it, that I just want to masturbate with him there, so he doesn’t have to do anywork. Well, most of the time I want that, he literally doesn’t let me! he’ll just say no,not in he mood, “I don’t want to be aroused”, stuff like that. He’s actually told me on several occsions that he doesn’t want me to masturbate because he wants me to “save it” for when he wants sex, usually the next morning. If I’ve ever masturbated at home by myself (which I’ve only felt the need to do like 3 times), he seems disappointed..! but it’s ok for him to watch porn and jerk off behind my back, only a few hours after we had sex,no less!? I want to say to him, how can you have sex with what you call the sexiest woman in the world, and then need porn 2 hours later?! it makes me think he’s not satisfied, but he won’t say that’s the reason.

    In anger on the phone last night, he actuall said porn was more important than our relationship. This coming from a man who tells me almost everyday how he culd never live without me, how much he loves me, how i’m the best thing that ever happened to him. He says he doesn’t NEED porn, well if that’s true, how is it ore important than his relationship and REAL life with me? Do you think he just said that in anger? And I don’t get why he’s angry with me because HE was the one who disrespected me…..??? The worse part is, I love him with all my heart, and he seems to love me. I don’t know how I can trust him or believe anything he says anymore. How can I rebuild the trust? How do I get him to open up to me instead of just being defensive? I spent the first night since we’ve been together , 1 year and a half, without him last night, and it was the worst night of my life. I wish we could just make up and get over it, but the trust is ruined. I love him and really don’t want to leave him. I just want respect.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    The way you describe how you interact with each other it sounds like you’re both 16 years old. You’ve very young so at least you’re acting close to your age, but he’s 40 and he still acts like a teenager. And you should have no problem spending the night without him. My partner and I were long distance for five years and only saw each other on weekends. You should be able to not be around him and still feel god. The same with him. I don’t really know what’s going on under the surface but I don’t think either are you are ready for marriage.

    As far as trust, the only way to rebuild it is if you both learn some relationship tools and techniques. Right now, it just looks like one knee- jerk reaction after another without any real sense of connection, purpose, mutual understanding or mutual respect. Couple’s therapy could be really good for you two. Therapy is great for when you are stuck and can’t figure out how to move thought it. We took our daughter to child therapist when we ran out of ideas on how to deal with her problems and the results were incredible. I have friends who’ve gone to marriage counseling and it’s really helped. That’s what they are there for. It’s just like seeing a mechanic for your car or a doctor for a broken bone.

    Without regular, sincere, goal oriented communication you can’t move past this stuff. And that requires two people who are truly committed to the relationship, to improving themselves and to building a better future.

    My partner and I have been together for 24 years and we are always working on our relationship. This means clearly articulation your needs and providing clear actions that can be taken to meet those needs. It means reassessing the relationship on a regular basis and keeping what’s working and changing what isn’t.

    But you two aren’t doing any of that. It’s just an emotionally charged, ego driven mess. How can trust come out of that? I’m not saying it can’t work out between you two, I just mean it can’t work out using the methods you two are using now. You need better tools.

  • Joanna Says:

    My dad molested me to porn growing up and now my husband would rather look at porn than have sex with me. You writing this article is telling guys that looking at porn is ok and that females who are hurt by what there husband/boyfriends are doing is fine. You said that porn doesn’t get old to guys. Well my husband used to be so disgusted by anal sex but now he can’t get enough of watching that and a lot of guys cuming on a female. If porn is ok why do men lie about watching it? Why would you rather withhold your self sexually than have sex?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Men lie about porn because many men will get in trouble if their partner found out. It’s pretty simple. People tend hide things that will get them in trouble. But, I’m not the lying type so I wouldn’t lie anyways. But the article isn’t about me. It’s about what I’ve observed as very common desires and motivations among men with regards to sex.

    So this article was written for women so they can get up to speed on some basics about men’s and sex. Most women don’t have a clue as to how men think. But what they decide to do with that info is up to them. And I’ve said many times, choosing porn over real intimacy is a personality defect. Something is not right with your husband.

    I’m not telling porn addicts that watching porn is fine anymore than a wine critic is telling alcoholics that drinking is fine. I’m just describing what is. And understanding what is, is the first step to empowerment. You can’t be empowered avoiding reality or wishing things were different, or shaming people in to changing their behavior. It won’t work. That’s the whole point of the essay. To lay it all out there as plain and simple as possible. What people do with it is their choice.

    With your history especially, it’s doubly important not to hide from what is. And obviously, having a partner that watches porn is just not going to work. It’s completely incompatible with your history and maintaining your mental health. For your husband not to get that fact is pretty appalling.

    [Reply]

  • dee Says:

    my husband was a porn addict, he watched porn everyday, in his spare time and sumtimes when he was at work. he never watched porn before or after we had sex. one day he admitted that he liked one of his staff at work. the unusual thing was, he never watch porn, even lost his interest in porn ever since he had feeling with his staff. he deleted all the porn he downloaded, he didn’t even keep any porn anymore. should I be worry about them both? lately I kinda hard to have sex with my husband, he can’t get his penis erect, it gets even worse when I ask whether it has someting to do with his staff. should I worry about it?

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    I’m sure you want a male perspective on this one but I will tell you what my husband once said when I confronted him about this issue, while I questioned something he jerked off too, he says .. “Do you want me to have problems again?” So what that said to me was .. I “need” this stuff to get an erection .. it doesn’t make you feel real good when you feel like his erection issues have to do with “you” or that he needs other things when he is with “you” to get that erection .. and vise versa, hes thinking about something else and your not quite what he wants in the moment so he doesn’t get an erection .. I guess it could work all sorts of ways. Or he could just be exhausted! Does he smoke? Is he a drinker? There could be something medical going on .. try to relax about it and talk about it in a loving way (like by not putting him on the spot about his staff) even tho that was a horrible thing to tell you but at least he is being honest. My hubby was visiting the chiropractor quite often while it wasnt helping his issues .. I later found out why he was going so much – yeah big tits and a little tight ass and she was massaging him .. what guy wouldnt want to go back even if it wasnt helping?? And thats about the time he started to “work out” LOL Silly man! I’m no dummy. But why bother worrying about it.

    [Reply]

  • KK Says:

    Okay….so here is my question and I want you to answer it honestly. If your wife said “hey honey, whenever we go out I think of getting bent over and fucked by the clerk….but for only a millisecond.” Would you be okay with that? If your wife said “yes honey, I look at porn. Huge 12″ cocks are amazing and I love rubbing my vagina while I look at them. No offense to you and your 6″ inch cock though” YOU WOULD HATE THAT I do understand your blog and I appreciate your honesty but all you are saying is that woman have to learn to “deal” with behaviors and ideas that NO HUMAN could deal with, man or woman. If you look at a girl in a porn finger herself and use a dildoh on herself and you jack off to in YOU ARE GETTING OFF TO ANOTHER WOMAN. No woman should feel bad for that making her insecure. Just like you wouldnt want her rubbing herself to a built, tan guy with big muscles and a 12″ penis. If you are trying to tell me walking in on her doing that when you are in the other room and could easily have sex with her wouldn’t bother you, you are lying. So while I appreciate you trying to help us understand mens thoughts and behaviors, it came off to me like “you better get used to accepting us doing things that would make the average man whine and cry like a baby.” Men can see womans body shape through their clothes. You can see the size of my boobs and ass etc. I cant see the size of your penis. Lets say for a second woman could see the size of mens penises through their clothes. If your wife purposely chose the line at the store with the clerk with the biggest penis, that would drive you mad!! Dont tell me that wouldn’t bother you. If your wife said “she plans her day being around hot men” you wouldn’t be upset? I am not trying to bash you for giving us your honest viewpoint but maybe you should have been a little more sensitive to the needs of HUMANS, not just woman. I highly doubt you would be okay if your wife admitted these things to you. I have seen numerous men get jealous of a girl looking at a decent guy walk by. Okay, hes dressed in loose clothes and has a pretty face and the guy gets jealous. Then he goes home and see tits all over tv, the 15 year old neighbors tits are out, and then he looks at 2 18 year old sluts with fake boobs getting fucked in the ass and then thinks his wife is crazy and jealous?? If men had to trade places with woman for A SINGLE DAY most would go home crying saying they are sorry. HUMANS get jealous and upset by these things, not just woman. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if some of the things you mentioned in this article would bother you if the roles were reversed, I HIGHLY doubt you would be okay with them. Secondly, of your response is “dont get mad at me for the way things are.” Thats not what I am doing, you cant control the world. But you could show a little more empathy to the fact that you arent the one having to deal with this, woman are and until your wife does them to you, you dont know how it would make you feel.

    [Reply]

    KK Reply:

    In the last few sentences I meant to say —Secondly, IF your response…..

    And I just reread this and I am sorry for all of the vulgarity and crude language. It just really upsets me that men act like woman shouldnt be bothered by things that I genuinely feel like would bother the hell out of them.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    The short answer is yes, I’d be fine with it because I’m a secure adult and I know the difference between fantasy and reality and that our sexual desires are naturally wide and varied. As longs as she’s a loving partner and upholding her end of the relationship I really wouldn’t care. Seriously, I wouldn’t.

    And considering Shades of Grey is the number one book in the county, which is absolute pure porn aimed directly at women and the continued success of boy bands, the Twighlight Series and the whole multi-billion dollar erotic/sexual fantasy tween to young adult media category aimed directly at girls/women (which they eagerly gobble up) I think we can safely drop the who “what if it was reversed” argument. It is reversed, it’s just that females prefer a less direct form to satisfying and exploring their sexuality. In women’s mind it’s simple. Things that get them off is healthy, innocent erotica. Things that get men off are porn, degrading, and bad.

    Look at what women get into. Look at the two major categories they fall into. One is home, shopping and marriage stuff and permeating the entire thread is hot guy stuff. Evolutionary speaking that translates into nesting, gathering, and mate selection. Men’s stuff falls into the hunting, fighting and mate selection categories.

    My neighbor and my daughter’s friend, just entered junior high. Never liked boy bands before, but now as she becomes a tween suddenly she’s becoming really interested in One Direction. She finds it odd that she likes them, but I don’t. One direction is tween girl porn. They are designed purposefully to provide a transitional sexual experience for tween girls before they move on to harder stuff.

    If a man is NOT OK with his female partner’s natural expressions of sexuality, but he is FINE with his own, then he’s a hypocrite and a bit of an asshole. I’ve never, ever implied or stated that men should be free but women need to stay chaste in their thoughts.

    Maybe I’m unusual, but I’ve never once assumed that I was my partner’s physical ideal. I assumed I was close enough to be a satisfactory life partner, but I also assumed that if she pieced together a man from scratch, that it would look different than me. We’ve discussed attraction and fantasy many times I’m always surprised that she has so few crushes or outside sexual interests. Sometimes, when we are watching a show and a guy I think is particularly stunning is on (like Matt Bomer from White Collar) I’ll ask her opinion on what she thinks. Not because I’m comparing myself, I’m just interested in what she thinks about things. But even though my sexual desires are more obvious and upfront, I’m not so naive as to think that her and her married females friends make dates to go see the Twilight movies, as soon as they come out, because they are such fine examples of cinematic excellence that they simply can’t be missed. The whole YA category that her and her middle aged married female friends are so into these days is not a purely intellectual experience. And I think that’s awesome and healthy and completely normal.

    [Reply]

    Juanita B. Reply:

    Amen KK!!!!! I couldn’t agree with you more. You are so right!! I’m glad that there are other women out there who agree with me on this! Thank you for your comment on this post!

    [Reply]

  • Tina Says:

    Hi,
    I enjoyed reading the questions and answers, but no one seemed to have the same issue as mine… thanks for your blog, i think you are pretty wise.
    I have a Question, my husband and i are married 5 years, he used to be high addicted to
    porn, he gave up 3 years ago, we do have a great sex life but sometimes, i find that every time he sees a women sitting in a certain position(or in a magazine), or if i notice that saw a pair a boobs of a waitress for exemple, when comes the time for us to have sex, he does with me the exactly the same position as the girl was sitting or the other exemple, he’d go straight to my boobs like crazy, it really hurts me, i feel like the other girls that he saw really turned him on and i feel that he is totally using my body. I’m confused now after i read your blog, do you think i’m totally being used? It really hurts me, and i feel very rejected…

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    It just sounds like he’s a bit clumsy and gets overly exited easily. Not sure how you train him to be a “smooth operator” but I would start with positive feedback on what you like. Saying something like “it really turns me on when you tease me slowly.” That’s much better than “ouch, your going to fast and hurting my breasts”. Basically provide positive feedback when he’s doing it right and then urging him on to do something else when he’s doing it wrong. Just training that’s all. Even after 24 years of training, I’ll sometimes move too fast and rough when I’m super horny. But if she’s also super horny then things can be faster and rougher. It’s when one’s super horny and the other’s just normal horny, or just looking for maintenance sex, that it’s usually a problem.

    [Reply]

    Tina Reply:

    thanks for your replay, sorry if you couldn’t understand me, english is not my first langange, maybe i couldnt express myself propely. What i meant about getting hurt was, emotionally hurt. That he is not thinking about me during sex, but about the woman that turned him on earlier. He doesn’t even know i noticed that he looked at her but i always do, it doesn’t really boder me any more when he looks quickly to another woman because years ago he used to stare at them, now a quick look doesn’t boder me. What i hate now is when sometimes i know he’s only doing certain position(in bed during sex) because he got turned on by the way she was sitting , so i think he is not thinking of me at all but her…my question is what do you think of that?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I think you are married to a really literal guy. He sees something he likes and wants to recreate it. Sounds pretty normal to me. It’s just that you’re really in tune to what’s going on and he’s really transparent in his behavior. But it’s almost as if you’re looking for it. Look at it this way. What if he did this with something else? Say he saw a nice pasta dish in a restaurant or on TV and then went home and tried to make it for dinner. Would you feel that it wasn’t authentic and that he’s really just thinking of the other meal he saw? Would it be less enjoyable to eat or any less of a treat if he made dinner for you but was inspired by another meal he saw? I know sex taps into self esteem and loyalty issues more than a lot of other things, but it really is the same thing. Copying others or taking inspiration from others is our primary method for learning new things. It’s what we are designed to do. Without that skill we’d still be naked and living in caves.

    And as far as thinking of other women when he’s having sex with you, it’s pointless to even speculate. Why do you care? Why is it so important to control his thoughts? What do you hope to accomplish with this information? If he told you what he was thinking all the time, no matter how fleeting or irrelevant, would that make you happy? You should examine your motivations to see why this is important to you when you know nothing good will ever come of it.

    And from a technical point of view, it’s very hard for a man to fantasize or think about anything beside the sweet ass that’s sitting right in front of him when he’s having sex. We’re not that sophisticated and we’re not very good at multi-tasking. If he’s looking at your breasts, he’s only thinking of your breasts. Not someone else’s. That’s way too complicated a task to transfer a live powerful visual into another memory and then merge the two into a hybrid experience that you maintain while still engaging in the primary act.

    Can you eat vanilla ice cream while fantasizing about chocolate? I can’t. When I eat vanilla ice cream the only thing I’m thinking of is “hmmmm vanilllaaa”.

  • El Says:

    I think this article is brilliant. It is what it is and I think the main problem that most women have is a lack of understanding of how truly different men are to us. I’m 25, I have grown up with predominantly male friends my whole life and witnessed many a conversation that left my mouth hanging open but it has taught me that they are, above all, obsessed with sex. Not in a bad way, but their brains are just wired much more primitively, and less emotionally than women’s. I don’t understand how females don’t know this, or even worse – take personal offense to this. I think a woman’s self esteem and confidence would play a big role in her ability to handle his watching porn. It isn’t about a lack of fulfillment, it’s about seeing some titties and some fucking and it really is as simple as that (mostly). Why not ask to watch it with him? There’s an opportunity to explore another dimension entirely. As for the viewing of porn resulting in a lack of respect for women – give them some credit, they know its a movie, and if he’s trying something new he picked up from porn then just be grateful you’ve found a man who likes to mix it up because no one wants a bore.

    [Reply]

    Tina Reply:

    Hi your article is great! THANKs again for your replay, but i have a question for you before EL’s comment so you don’t missed out.. Thanks a lot

    [Reply]

  • Tracy Says:

    I really want to thank you for this article. I have been searching for a realistic point of view, that is not biased based on religion, sexual preference, etc. Nice and to the point!

    I had a really hard time when I found out my husband of 11 years was watching porn regularly. This is something I never talked about with him or even thought about! Fairly recently I saw the regularity of his porn watching and was super upset and offended. It is literally all I thought about when I left the house. It didn’t help matters that I feel like I’m in my “prime” and he was comfortable with sex only once a week. This was not good for me. I am thinking about sex all the time! I think once you aren’t having it very often, you think about it even more! (duh).

    Once I saw the regularity of his porn watching with my own eyes I realized I had to have some discussion. Turns out there are several factors that led to the fact that we only had sex once a week…health issues that he didn’t want to admit, insecurities, sometimes just pure laziness. Let’s face it, the guys have to do a lot of the work most of the time. I know when I’m the one moving around the most I feel like I’ve been chopping wood!

    Anyways, I am slowly but surely coming to the realization that I just cannot take this personally. He is a wonderful husband, he is my best friend, and he deserves his privacy. Here’s the kicker and makes me want to just shut my mouth forever….I watch porn, and most of the time it’s lesbian porn. I am not a lesbian, but that is what excites me sometimes. Never been with a women either. Sometimes I wish my man watched lesbian porn so he could get some pointers. LOL

    Thanks again for the article.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Sounds like me! But we have alot of other baggage too. I guess I feel more like what about me? Don’t I also deserve to have the feeling that someone is so attracted to me that they get just as excited for me that they do with porn? I don’t get that anymore. Do I deserve to go out and get it because I have insecurities? My health problems way back when when he was in his prime just pissed him off because he wasnt getting sex that often. Now that I am in my prime hes more comfortable and more turned on by other women. We did have a nice medium for a while where we could enjoy it together .. now its a secret again. I’m not all the way there yet with the not taking it personal. Some days are much better than others. Most days I just say this all just sucks! And I really want to just forget about it and move on. I mean really move on.

    [Reply]

  • Apple Says:

    Haha best thing I have ever come across! And so true circle of life

    [Reply]

  • Apple Says:

    Ps. I agree porn is normal, women watch porn too it’s human nature

    [Reply]

  • Elen Says:

    Interesting article.
    I am 32 years old female, my husband is 40, we have one daughter, who is 9 and have been together for almost 11 years, married 7.
    My husband claims that he does not masturbate.
    He does look at porn occasionally. He always claimed that he doesn’t like masturbating and I assumed he doesn’t watch porn alone, we watch it together sometimes. When I found out that he has been watching porn online, I was a little upset at first, only because he had been hiding it from me. But then again I watch porn alone also and masturbate, which I have never hidden from him.
    I am finding it hard to believe that he doesn’t masturbate but so he claims. I know that we don’t have sex as often as he would like, but we never go more than a week without. Our schedules are different also, he works nights, so it’s not that we don’t want to, but most of the time are not together or either one is sleeping. I prefer quality over quantity though. I need to have the right time, place and feeling. Meaning – rested, privacy ( not our daughter running around the house ), clean, good mood. I know, it is annoying, but I do give my husband blowjobs when I am not up for having sex and he wants to get a quick release. Other times he goes down on me, when he can’t get it to work right. It happens more the older he gets. Then again he has told what he needs to get hard, and what he wants the most is to see me enjoying it and get “slutty” meaning getting really turned on and being active. I have really learned to let myself go and can totally relax with him, which is also very important for men. Men are visual and want to see, I have only recently realized how important that is for men. Getting undressed slowly, walking around the house in lingerie, wearing tights with no underwear, bending over, dancing for your men. Men love that, at least my husband does. I like to feel sexy for him and see him turned on. It is really easy to turn a guy on, most times, but not so easy to turn a woman on always :) I get it that it must not be easy for men. Women have to deal with PMS which can really mess things up and lower your sexdrive to almost nothing. Then women literally have to force themselves to have sex which does not seem fair. We have dealt with that for years, but now our sexlife is getting better as our daughter is older and more independent, and my sexdrive has gone through the roof after turning 30 :)
    Now when it comes to my husband checking out other pretty females, I don’t mind. As he always reassures me, that I am the prettiest and sexiest for him. I know his taste and what he likes and I can pretty much tell which women he likes. He likes curvy women with big boobs, long hair and pretty face. He says he hasn’t seen anybody prettier than me since we met and even if it’s a beautiful lie, I’ll take it.
    But it’s only the appearance, that men love. It’s the whole woman. That is why my husband always says that sex is only one part of a relationship and other parts have to match up too. You only have sex so many minutes a day, rest of the time has to be pleasant and enjoyable also. That is why he says that it’s hard to like somebody more than your SO cause you don’t really know them.
    You’re not comfortable with them. I feel the same way. And that is why fantasies are harmless. Cause most people would not act upon them. When I masturbate, I don’t think about my husband, but I don’t think about really anybody particular, it’s just different fantasies about different situations. Does not mean I would like to act upon those in real life. My husband doesn’t understand why would anybody need or want to masturbate when they are in a satisfying relationship. He knows that I do and doesn’t hold it against me.
    He also knows that I would prefer him to have a bigger penis and we have toys for that, but then I get to fantasize about bigger penises. I still love my husband and he gives me the best orgasms, and I would not trade it for anything.
    I believe in being honest about that stuff but it takes time to feel really comfortable with another person to be yourself. I would want my husband to tell me anything that bothers him or what he wants. For example, he was scared to tell me that he wants try anal. Cause I told him that I am not for it. He never pressured me, and it wasn’t until recently that I felt like trying it, we did and I even liked it. He was superhappy of course.
    And that’s the thing, men should be more open about the things they want from women. Not demanding, but just talking about what you like and not. And also women have to say what they like. It helped our sexlife so much, when we both opened up and told each-other what we really like. We both were much more satisfied and also enjoyed making each=other happy. Sex has to be good to want it :)

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s a really nice story. Thanks for posting.

    [Reply]

  • ella Says:

    Hello,
    Thank you for publishing this article. I found it very interesting and true. I’m 36 and married. My husband is very sexual and doesn’t hide it. He has a large amount of porn and definitely looks at other women. From time to time it gets to me as I feel he needs more then me and what I can give him and that hurts. If I bring the issue up to talk about it he flips and says I’m taking the fun out of it all. That I’m making him feel bad and embarressed about what he likes!
    I feel if I can distance my feelings for him then I can go along with this but what I’m finding very hard to live with is his pressurising to have a threesome. He wants to see me with another women and he won’t stop about it. I mean he will bring it up at some point every day and has for at least three years now. Why does he need this? Is this normal or not?
    I fear if I give in to this and his fantasies it is going to ruin our marriage, where is the limit!. Or maybe I should let him go altogether so he can indulge in his fantasies?
    letting him go has been going through my mind but is this still part of general male behaviour and me wanting him to be devouted and satisfied with having just me is my issue?
    Would really like to hear your comments or insight.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Ah yes, the threesome fantasy. This is pretty much at the top of every guys list. Yes, it’s completely normal. However, your hubby sounds a bit childish. He should really drop the pressuring. That’s not mature behavior, not respectful, and definitely not sexy. Sounds to me like your husband likes to tease you which is really not acceptable and needs to stop. Looking at porn in his alone time and checking out other women discretely is normal, but pestering, begging and sulking if you don’t get your way isn’t. That’s just being childish and controlling. He needs to man up and respect your boundaries and opinions. And yes, I think giving in to a threesome will be bad for several reasons. One, you’re not comfortable with it. If it was your fantasy too, that would be different. Two, I don’t think your husband is mature enough to handle it. Opening up a relationship like that carries HUGE risks. I can be done, and opening up a relationship can bring you closer, but it takes an exceptionally high degree of confidence, personal security, security and stability in the relationship, and level of communication that most couples aren’t ready to handle. Right now, your husband is playing out a fantasy in his head that’s devoid of all the baggage and repercussions that you two will have to deal with once you go down that path. He’s not ready and your relationship is not ready.

    Now, if you are somewhat open to the idea of a threesome, it should only come after your husband has demonstrated he can handle it. That means no more teasing. No more begging and sulking and whining about anything. He needs to demonstrate that he has his act together and is ready for the responsibility that this requires. If he can do that for a year, and you are interested in the idea personally (not just as an appeasement to him) then it could be ok. But you and especially him have to have a foundation first. If you are seriously going down that path I recommend popping into a few meetings of your local polyamorous group, reading some of the best books on exploring and maintaining polyamourous relationships, and get educated on the whole subject in general. There’s a whole field of thought on this subject and you shouldn’t go down that path without educating yourself. And if your husband thinks all this stuff is stupid and waste of time, then he’s clearly just indulging in childish fantasies and has no idea what he’s asking you to do.

    [Reply]

  • Frustrated and wondering Says:

    I appreciate this open, straight forward and honest thread.

    My bf is 43 and I am 42 and we have been dating for a year. We have had sex a lot during this time, sometimes every day, multiple times, etc. My bf has never ejaculated with me, but can only ejaculate sometimes, he says, when masturbating. Sometimes he says it might take an hour, sometimes he might masturbate/orgasm multiple times (i think the record was 9) when masturbating. When having sex, he either stays hard for a long time and we have sex until he gets tired, then he is ready to go again in about 15 minutes and wants to have sex all night long… I orgasm every time, but he never does and it is frustrating. I feel inadequate. We have talked about it, he tells me he is enjoying it, is satisfied..etc .etc, but if this were the case , it would seem he could orgasm with me. We have tried everything. I know you mentioned it is normal for guys to stare.. I can accept that, but when I said something to him about it after he continually ogled my friends in a co-ed work out class… he flat out denied it. Said he does not ‘ogle’, because that would mean he was not committed. He clearly was, and I have seen him have the same look when we walk into a sex/lingerie shop together, or a sexy picture pops up on the computer screen.

    He was married for about 9 years, and said that he sometimes orgasmed during that time, but sometimes not, and that his wife would get ‘exhausted’ eventually after continual sex, as i mentioned above. He once tried going without porn/masturbating, but could only make it a week. I told him i would have sex as much as he liked… have asked if we could masturbate together (he thinks that would seem weird, and doesnt feel comfortable with that), etc. I have tried to be creative, indulge his fantasies, etc in hopes that he would orgasm with me.. but nothing has helped. We are very close, he says he feels closer and more intense with me than with anyone he has been with. ( he had 4 relationships after his marriage and wasnt able to orgasm with any of them either.). He says some of it is a mental anxiety, but I am not sure I think that is all of it.

    I guess I am looking for some insight into these two issues. I don’t know why he couldn’t just admit that he was checking out my friends and positioning himself in a way to ‘work out’ with them in partner drills, (he says he is not the ‘typical’ guy.. I don’t believe that), and what this orgasm problem is about.

    I feel inadequate and he has said he would feel the same if i couldn’t orgasm, but he seems to want me to be happy with him orgasming to porn and just playing around with me. Can you offer and advice or insights?

    Thank you

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I suspect that somewhere along his sexual development that something went of track. Could be related to shame, past sexual abuse, performance anxiety, the Madonna/whore complex (where a man places the object of his affection on pedestal of virtue and can’t sully them with the sexual act though he desires to), or any number of issues. The Madonna/Whore situation fits his profile well. He can’t orgasm with the women he loves and respects but can to porn. That would also include mutual masturbation which he finds weird. The inability to admit he desires other women fall into that spectrum as well.

    But he’s right in that it has nothing to do with you. It’s entirely his issue and unrelated to how much he loves or desires you.

    He’s a good candidate for therapy as he has motivation (keeping his relationship) and it seems a hint of self awareness that this is a mental problem on his part.

    Right now he’s a sexual mess to put it bluntly. Someone who can’t orgasm with their partner, but terns to porn for release (which he can’t go a week without) and then sometimes ejaculates nine times and sometimes not all all, is really messed up. This is not physical. Physical stuff has a consistency to it from situation to situation. This is all mental.

    Since you seem to be the love of his life, you have a unique opportunity to motivate him to get therapy and fix this problem. But if you don’t take this opening, this is how your entire life will be with him forever. He’s 42 and been married before. This is not a phase or something he’ll grow out of. This is a hardened pattern, a total lifestyle. That requires intervention.

    [Reply]

    Frustrated Reply:

    Thank you for the insights. My partner has sex with me and seems to enjoy it. ,so I was wondering if that might rule out the Madonna/whore issue? He ‘says’ he stays harder for longer with me than he has with others. Could it be a performance anxiety or dry orgasm issue? I ask for a couple reasons, 1. He was shy and self conscious as a teen. Was very small for his age. He looked at porn at an early age, and his first sexual experience as a college student was terrible,He says . He couldn’t get hard at all…. But he says she was nice about it.
    2 . He says the sex we have feels good, he gets close to orgasm or … He says it feels like an orgasm or Better than the ones he has when mAturbating, even tho he never ejaculates. I have a difficult time believing this….. He says he masturbates 3x a week, but sometimes ejaculates sometimes not. I don’t know if he is just saying that so I won’t feel bad? It’s confusing, he wants to have sex a lot…. As I mentioned, we will have good sex for about an hour, he wants to rest for 15-30 min, then go again and again, but never ejaculates. If he were orgasming or ejaculating even a little with me, wouldn’t he need to rest a little longer?

    Thanks for your insight. This situation has become very confusing and frustrating.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    There is another possibility. He may be contracting his PC muscles so hard he doesn’t realize he’s stopping himself from ejaculation. If he’s been doing this since he was young it would be an automatic response and he wouldn’t even notice he was doing it. Controlling ejaculation with this method is a technique used in tantric sex and men learning to stop themselves from coming too fast. A guy can stay hard almost indefinitely and keep having orgasm after orgasm if he can stop ejaculation. It the ejaculation that seems to trigger the “go soft and go to sleep” response. I did this accidentally recently and it was so weird. I had this big orgasm, I felt like I was ejaculating, but nothing came out. Then when I relaxed it all shot out at once but post orgasm. I was standing so my pelvis and core was contracted. Orgasm and ejaculation are two separate events biologically. But since they happen at the same time, most of the time, we think of them as the same thing. If this is the case with him, then he needs to learn to RELAX his PC muscles when he orgasms.

    But besides looking into this possibility, he needs to stop the masturbation and porn. No different than stopping snacking before dinner time if you want to enjoy the meal. Porn and jerking off always need to stop if there is any stuff going on performance wise. It’s like setting up a control group in a study.

    Frustrated and wondering Reply:

    Makes sense, I will try this. Thanks for the book recommendation, I am going to read that myself! I agree about the guilt, and felt I was being reasonable as well, but it is good to have someone else acknowledge that as well.

    One other thought and question….
    (I guess i am trying to be prepared lol). If he says he just can’t make it a without the P&M…(like the last time we tried this) for a few weeks or until the issue is resolved…. what would you recommend? I was hurt and frustrated before and hoped he would feel that a good sex life would be worth the effort….
    He has said, this ejaculation issue is not really a big deal to him, and maybe that is the reason for his minimal effort… He is happy that i have orgasms and says that is enough for him. I’ve asked how he would feel if the tables were turned, and I didn’t orgasm but wanted him to be happy with it…and he does not comment.. or is vague. I felt frustrated and honestly a bit hurt that he couldn’t give it up for a few weeks to work towards a sexual goal with me.. so I guess i am anticipating this again. Any thoughts or suggestions here? Thank you

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Just be clear and firm. Guys respond well to very clear direction and goals. We don’t know what to do with general requests like “be more attentive” or “help out more”. We do well with “when I get home I need your full attention for 5 minutes because I want to talk about my day” or I need you to take out this trash now and then empty the compost bin”. So keep it simple. And he may very well be having orgasms without ejaculation. Does he tense up and convulse and his breathing change or does he suddenly hold his breath and freeze? These would be good indications that he’s having an orgasm.

  • Heche Says:

    “THE FACT THAT YOUR MAN LOOKS AT PORN HAS NO RELATIONSHIP TO HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU, YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR HOW HAPPY OR SEXUALLY SATISFIED HE IS. ZIP. ZILTCH. NADA.”

    Ha ha, yes. But you seem to be forgetting that his looking at porn has some relationship to how she feels about him, her relationship with him, and how sexually satisfied she is.

    You’re right. Men are selfish pigs.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s one way of putting but I think that’s a female centric point of view or selfishness. I’ve noticed that women tend to frame things in terms of whether they are selfish or generous. Bending to their will (doing what they want) is generous and a virtue. Standing your ground (doing what you want) is selfish. I could point to any number of things that my partner does, that are completely in alignment with her nature, and label them selfish. But I don’t, because I understand that for whatever reason, she will buy utilitarian items and designate them as “decorative” so they can’t be used. It would be very easy to call spending money (that I am solely responsible for earning) on stuff that can’t be used (pillows and towels are good examples) as selfish. But that’s a pointless designation. It is what it is and it makes her happy. And as long as we can afford it, the fact that it makes her happy, calm, and centered to have the house a very specific way, is justification enough.

    Yes, In know that porn viewing can be interpreted as a more personal issue than buying pillows and towels, then putting them around the house and declaring them off limits for use, but that’s not the point. Women have no idea how much we bitch about our partners behind their back. And we all have the exact same complaints. It’s like a broken record and we all own the same records. And much of the complaints center around things that most women would call controlling and selfish behavior if a man was doing it. But we suck it up because we know what we signed up for and there is nothing we can do to change it because to do so would destroy all the parts we do like. It’s a package deal.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    But as a wife and mom I don’t think she is purchasing those things with herself in mind, they would be for everyone elses use. I think thats a bad comparison. Lets say I like to flirt with other men with no intentions of cheating, it like does it for me like porn or ogeling other women does it for him .. I think maybe then my guy can know the real feeling of what it feels like to me when he is desiring someone or something else. Has nothing to do with pillows or towels because its in a completely other category. At least it is to me lol.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    There is a difference between looking and flirting. Looking is a one way action that doesn’t engage another person. Flirting does. Flirting engages the emotions and desires of another person for personal gain. Then there are levels of flirting. Being a little flirty during the course of your normal routine is healthy and to be expected. Of course we’re going to be a bit more attentive with someone we find attractive than with someone we don’t. But to actively seek out a flirting encounter, when you are in a committed relationship, is not healthy and carries with it true risks. This one thing that I’ve consistently seen women mix up. They treat a solo activity like watching porn or looking at girls at the beach with actual emotional engagement with another human being. But it isn’t. This is not to dismiss women’s personal feelings of worth about the porn and looking,just to point out a crucial difference in the activities themselves.

    And besides being different, flirting risks are also different for women. If a committed guy actively seeks out flirting partners, there is very little risk to himself. A woman may feel used but that’s about all that will happen. However, if a woman does the same thing with a man, she opens herself up to possible rape, assault or murder. So the risks of the flirting transgression is greater for women. This is just how it is. It’s not women that murder their whole family and burn down peoples homes. It’s not women who shoot up schools of children. It’s not women who stalk and rape.

    When women are hurting inside they tend to internalize it and hurt themselves. When men are hurting inside they tend to externalize it and hurt others. That’s a big difference and to ignore it is to ignore reality. That’s why I feel safer around women. The odds of me being assaulted or murdered are extremely low in a group of women. However, in a crisis situation I feel safer around men because they are just better at keeping a level head and taking action. So if everything is going good, nothing is safer than hanging out in a group of women. But it the kitchen suddenly catches fire, it would be better if the room was full of dudes. However, if the kitchen was full women instead of guys, the kitchen probably wouldn’t had caught fire in the first place. Women are just great risk reducers in general. Men are better risk takers. They both have their benefits depending on weather the shit has hit the fan yet.

    [Reply]

    Amanda Reply:

    I agree it can be dangerous but I dont agree that looking doesn’t carry any personal gain. Or that no emotions one sided or not are involved. I can see the emotion all over my husbands face when he does this and he also can’t even hear me when I am talking to him .. its like he freezes like a child seeing boobs for the first time. Wearing a short skirt can be dangerous too, wearng alot of make up .. the list can go on and on. Not just flirting can be dangerous for a woman but I think if a man rapes, murders or whatever well, that man has issues beyond anything the woman has done.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I don’t mean that the man doesn’t feel emotions when just looking. I mean that his emotions don’t involve the object he’s desiring. That’s why flirting and looking are very different things. And of course men don’t rape you for flirting. If a man rapes it’s because he’s a rapist. But they do pick and choose their victims. They just don’t rape randomly all the time. I’m just pointing out the statistical risk when any women engages emotionally with a man and that men don’t expose themselves to the same risk when flirting with women. Men primarily have to worry about other men.

  • Amanda Says:

    Thanks for adding to your comment – I really do get it! I think for all the women who come and post here including myself (and believe me after 20 some years of ups and downs and left and rights I have some experience in this) is that you cannot control what your partner thinks, his or her desires, wants, needs, fantasies etc. But what you can do is control how you react to them. At times and with changes throughout life with one another, things can change .. with your relationship as well as with yourself or your partner. All you can do is remain open and honest, I think thats most important of all. As much as it hurts and whether or not your going to be “penalized” for it. Because once the trust is broken with lies, its that much harder to believe anything your partner says and then makes you think maybe he or she is after more than what is. It is best just to come clean and deal with whatever might be. Everyone has a choice to stay or to leave if whatever the other one is doing bothers you that much .. ultimately your life is YOURS noone elses. Just don’t expect to fall into someone elses arms and have everything the way YOU think it should be because again, we can’t control someone elses thoughts, wants, needs, desires, fantasies. I felt I had lost that connection with my husband and ya know .. I know you said these things have nothing to do with me but he finally came out with the fact that He wasnt happy when he started showing notable interest in other women, not just a notice or a glance .. this stuff was hard looking with facial expressions lol. Like calm down hunny looks. I don’t “think” he would act on anything but with how many lies I’ve already been told (yeah because he wants to keep the peace) when Im 100 percent sure I know what went down, its really hard to not wonder what I might be missing. And btw I always ask him for input when purchasing things for the home, and I never buy anything we all can’t use plus I do make some of the money around here. Accept for make up .. but my husband has used some of my concealer before. haha. His only complaint with me right now is that I dont trust him, and I say sorry, I can’t trust a liar.

    [Reply]

  • starlite Says:

    my boyfriend rarely wants sex, and when he does it is for his gratification. He talks about other women and their looks and sometimes has embarrased me in front of other men. He is into porn and masterbation. He has recently said
    he wants to break up (when intoxicated), and be by himself. I agree and to see other people. Then, he backs off and says he wants to stay together. I told him I sometimes want affection and attention, and is he attracted to me. He says he is and not to worry, nothing is wrong. I am so confused. I love him and want to make it work, but this rollercoaster is getting the best of me. I try to be understanding about his single years and working on a relationship takes a lot of TLC, but then I feel like I am an option until something better might come along. I do everything for him to show I care, but I have started backing off with my affection and trying to please. I guess I have tried too hard, or been too accommodating. But in my opinion, I am just being loving and caring. Please help. Also, he likes to go places without me. Would rather go to parties alone with other couples. He will ask me to a function only to pick a fight and not take me. He has invited me to a cookout on the 9th of Feb, and I feel another backout coming on.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I don’t understand why you stick around. You don’t have a relationship with him. He’s made that clear. He’s got a sweet deal. He gets fuck you when he’s in the mood and the rest of the time he just does whatever the hell he wants. Why would he want to change that?

    Dump him now. If it makes you feel any better, he dumped you a long time ago. You just haven’t figured it out yet. Then you need to figure out why putting up with this for even a single day was ever acceptable to you. We teach people how to treat us. You’re teaching men to treat you like trash.

    And you don’t really love him in a healthy sense. You have some kind of emotional fixation on him in the abstract. Love is the natural byproduct of a caring and nurturing relationship. You don’t fall in first and then try to fit a person in that love ideal. That would be like deciding first that you like peanut butter cookies and then wondering why they taste like crap and make you throw up every time you eat them. If peanut butter cookies make you throw up because they taste so bad, then you don’t really like peanut butter cookies.

    [Reply]

  • starlite Says:

    Thank you. In my mind I did think he dumped me a long time ago. We are almost at our year anniversary. He continues to tell me he does not want to be with anyone else. He mentioned he takes his time and does not rush into anything. I discussed my feelings and that I will not accept rude or disrespectful behavior. And there are two people in this relationship, and my feelings are just as important as his. I can understand the flirting and eyeing other women. I know this is a natural human behavior for both gender. My father committed suicide when I was two. He suffered from PTS via Marine warfare, and I sometimes wonder if my self esteem is very low, and I allow this behavior as I do not feel worthy of love. I am not in any way blaming my father. Honesty and respect and trust is paramount. I just have to figure out who to let in my life and who to let go. Thank you for another eye-opener.

    [Reply]

  • Sasha Says:

    This was a great article…thank you for posting it! It shows me that men are a lot more simple (in a good way) than I used to give them credit for. I can even respect the fantasy aspect of it. It seems that you’re saying that you guys keep your sig other in a separate, special category from your fantasies. In a way, that’s kind of sweet! :)
    I do have something I hope you can help me with, though.
    My partner & I both watch porn, and we have a great/healthy sex life together. Recently the topic of web cams came up, & I instantly felt jealous. I asked him if he’s gone on live web cam sites since we’ve been together, & he said he hasn’t. I didn’t believe him based on how he answered, and because he said he doesn’t consider that cheating. I think he said no to protect me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings (and he probably didn’t want me to get mad at him!). He basically views it the same as he views the idea of regular porn. I don’t share that view with him, & I didn’t like that I felt instantly jealous. To me, that is crossing a line, & feels like cheating. Porn is one thing, but that seems a bit more extreme to me due to the whole live interaction part. Is my view point warped? Is going on live web cam sites as harmless as watching porn?
    Thanks for the help! Sorry if you’ve already answered anything like this.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    A webcam experience is the same as say a lap dance at a strip club. It’s a direct connection with a real person that involves rules, payment and some kind of emotional connection. There’s no way around it. Unless you are a true sociopath you can’t interact with another human being without some kind of exchange of emotions. So if you consider lap dances crossing the line, then a web cam experience would be too.In some ways it’s even more intimate because of the isolated one-on-one aspect to it. A webcam is more intimate even though there is no physical contact. In a strip club there’s no way to not be constantly reminded of the boundaries involved and the business aspect of it. It’s in your face constantly and the presence of lots of other men also paying for strippers attention keeps the fantasy in check pretty firmly. A webcam experience is designed to create greater emotional intimacy than a strip club environment although the physical intimacy is zero. It’s just pixels on a screen. I’ve gone to strip clubs but my impression of web cams is based upon what other guys have recorded of the sessions they paid for and then uploaded them on free porn sites.

    From what I’ve seen,I would consider a web cam experience crossing the line as I’m sure my partner would too. The web cam experience lacks the inherent emotional controls and the public nature of a strip club which restrains strip club experience and keeps the emotional experience on a really shallow and temporal level. The webcam is designed to break those limitations.

    [Reply]

  • Louise Says:

    Hello, I love reading this. I have a question (sorry you have already answered a similar question recently) my partner like the rest of the male population watches porn as masturbatory aid this does not bother me in the slightest as we have a great sex life and do it almost every night regardless of whether or not he masturbates, BUT he always lies and is always saying that he never masturbates anymore. That confuses me because he knows I don’t care? I understand he may be embarressed but I find it hard to bite my tongue as he states “I never masturbate and havn’t for ages” then discover his “happy tissues” in the bin. I just don’t understand why he feels the need to lie when he knows I don’t care. It’s annoying that he can lie so easy. Are some men just to shamed in regards to this subject? What’s the go? Should I drop it and next time he lies just nod and agree?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Yeah, you should just play along. Some guys are funny that way. Unfortunately masturbation still carries a bit of social stigma to it. For some guys they view it as some kind of moral or sexual failing. Just like some guys see eating pussy as “dirty” or a symptom that they are less of a man because “real men” are supposed to satisfy their women with just their dick.

    Also, I’m not sure how the subject even comes up. Does he just suddenly declare “I never masturbate anymore” out of the blue, or are you fishing for a response with leading questions?

    [Reply]

    Louise Reply:

    Well an example would be he says something like ” let’s have sex when we get home, I’m pretty horny” or “its been ages” and that’s when I have trouble because I know he’s masturbated that morning and I’d say something like “sure you are” (Which is probably asking for a lie in response) So no he doesn’t actually just blurt it out of no where. If the topic comes up he sometimes admits it when hes had a few drinks and we have a laugh but he just doesn’t have the ability to be honest about it when he’s sobar. We have only been living together for 4 months and he’s never lived with a girlfriend, could that be why he’s still a little embarresed about the topic?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Ok, that makes a lot more sense. It’s only been 4 months so he’s still getting adjusted to sharing something that’s been private his whole life. And your sarcastic remarks are provoking a reaction. So stop egging him on. And yes, you can still be super horny after masturbating. Masturbation only takes care of sexual energy on a superficial level. Yesterday I was so horny I just had to masturbate (which I rarely do anymore because I just don’t have much excess sexual energy anymore) just so I could function and then had great sex that night. I stayed horny the whole day. The masturbation was just to take the edge off so I could work without my cock and balls being all tingly.

  • Louise Says:

    Thanks for the insite, ill leave him be!

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    You know I had to chime in here, after almost 30 years with the same man, one who used to masturbate to porn right behind me as I worked in the same room plus we would also do it together now hides it and denies it. This would blow this theory right out of the water. Yes, it has gotten to the point where he probably should, but when I originally started noticing this there certainly was no reason to deny it or hide it. Seeing his increased stares and increased looking at other women everywhere, tv, mags, internet and on the street .. its not about porn for him anymore. Its just about hot women. While I understand the porn has nothing to do with me and the act of sex itself is what does it, this is harder to swallow. Is it the sneaking it that is so hot for him or do I just NOT do it for him anymore. How can I not ask myself that question? I always thought this extra time without kids to worry about all the time would be a time for us to really get into each other. It doesn’t seem thats the way its going to be. He has trouble getting aroused when he is with me unless I do some crazy shit to get him there .. yet he can look at a picture for a few minutes and get hard. How does that have nothing to do with the way he sees me? When we talk about it, even without me being sarcastic, he gets overly defensive. In fact the last time I mentioned it I was told if I have a problem with it I can just leave. He is going to look, women are beautiful and at the end of the day he comes home to me. Oh and that he loves me. He also told me he loved his ex wife when he was cheating on her with me (he told me this after they were divorced, not during the time he was cheating on her of course. At that time he said it was over between them). Last night we went to the bar and a couple of guys were staring at me, I moved over out of their view and my husband asked why I moved, I told him and he wanted to know who it was. I said its not important. We went out for a smoke and he asked again, I said I didnt want to say anything inside because his girl was right there and he acted shocked this guy was staring with his girl right there .. I said “Whats the big deal, you do it all the time. I just found it creepy so I moved out of view” And again he got defensive. I just don’t understand him anymore and I can’t stand the feeling of him being dishonest after all we been through together, we could tell each other anything! He wants to have this secret side that bothers me the most. Yet if I get a text he wants to know whats going on. He has buddies that he gets to talk to at work, I have noone but family. He was so jealous earlier on in our relationship that I’ve lost all my friends. But he insists we stop living in the past if I bring anything up about the way Im feeling and HOW we got here. Like none of that matters, just deal with it. It hurts. damn I’ve wrote a book but it feels good to have this outlet to do it .. I hope you don’t mind. If I had a girlfriend to talk to maybe I wouldn’t be taking up so much space in your blog lol. I guess I feel like he is really wanting other women, like REALLY wanting it and THAT is what he is hiding .. not just needing a release from porn which is completely understandable. I’m glad that he does come home to me but I would love for it to be all of him, not just his physical self. Am I being totally stupid or what? Am I making any sense or am I just a woman being overly sensitive?

    [Reply]

  • Peach Says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 months, and despite what a sweetheart he is, he tends to say very inappropriate things to other women. Just last night he was messaging a co-worker and teased her about mention rubbing her butt because of his sex drive.

    He continually does things like this despite me telling him how disrespectful I find it. He swears up and down he’ll never cheat, and that he loves me and we’re moving in together soon and everything in that respect is right, almost perfect… but I really worry about his online flirting because I know from experience that it leads to more. Especially when they work together and I know how ‘loose’ she is with her sexual morals.

    I’m just looking for insight on this behavior because I don’t know whether to brush it off or be worried about it.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Yes, you should be worried. Not so much on the possible cheating part but on the boundary parts. You’ve only been together for six months, so you’re still in the honeymoon phase and he’s on his best behavior at the moment. So if this is him at his best, then you’re in for a rough road.

    Generally this type of behavior is fueled by deep insecurities. I’ve know guys my whole life who could never keep their mouth shut. They had to make some kind of comment about every woman they saw. It was always some kind of “you know what I’d like to do to her” or “hubba-hubba” type comment. It’s really sad. I guess in their mind they are making it clear to me that they are virile hetero dudes which is really weird because I’m last person who would give a crap either way. But they keep doing it until they get therapy and realize what a douche they were being all these years.

    He really needs to stop doing this for a lot of reasons:

    1. Respect for you.
    2. Possible sexual harassment charges.
    3. Possible violent confrontations with other males who have a claim on the women he’s flirting with.
    4. It’s not sexy

    That last one would probably go the furthest. Put it bluntly. His comments about other women turn you off and eventually you won’t feel like fucking him anymore if he continues. So if he wants to turn you on and keep you interested he needs to knock it off.

    But the cheating part. Probably not. These guys are generally all bark and no bite. The guys who are actually going to cheat do the opposite so as not to draw attention.

    [Reply]

    Peach Reply:

    Thanks for that.

    I’m going to bring it up with him again. See what it does. I don’t feel like I’m over-reacting anymore. :)

    I’ll let him know that it turns me off and mention how it makes me feel insecure and unattractive and eventually I won’t even want to have sex with him. See what happens.

    Thanks again.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Great. Be firm though and outline clear expectations for his behavior if he wants to have a relationship with you. Women tend to elicit cooperation by hinting, pleading and guiding. Men do not respond to that.

    We divide the world into two categories. Stuff we must do or face the consequences, and everything else which we treat as optional. If he suspects this is optional he will not change.

    Like if you want a man to take out the trash, you don’t ask him to help around more. That is not actionable information. You say “take out the trash now” and then point to what you are talking about. A guy will just get up and do it. We respond well to very clear, non judgmental, non emotional directions and commands. We don’t have a consensus model like women do. But women have a hard time laying down the law and articulation clear orders, which is all that men respond to. Women’s number one complaint is that their guy doesn’t listen. But we do listen, it’s just we choose to ignore most of what you say because we don’t take is seriously because your desires are expresses as abstractions rather than clear orders of what is required to happen.

  • L. Says:

    I really do understand and agree with what this article is trying to point out. I’m a woman and i masturbate frequently even while being in a very wonderful committed relationship. Porn does play into the masturbation, but that is simply what it is. A means to an end. Do I want that guy on the screen as my boyfriend? NO. Most women take it upon themselves and think that there is something wrong with them if their boyfriend/husband masturbates or watches porn. They think that they prefer the porn star over them and that is not true. I believe that if a woman has not explored her own sexuality then she will be more upset over porn/masturbation, If she does it often and experiences it herself then she would understand it better.I think about being with different men and have sexual thoughts/fantasies often. For me, it just happens and its not like I can control it. But at the end of the day, i know i can depend on my boyfriend not just sexually but on a emotional level. I think guys rationalize that way too. Despite looking at other attractive women, watching porn, or even having fantasies about other women, they know at the end of the day that their girlfriend/wife will be there for them on matters other than sex. Sex is like that added bonus in the relationship. I never understood why women are pointed out as being so different sexually (mental) from men. Maybe I’m one of the only women that thinks like a man? I have no clue. Or maybe it has to do with the taboo associated with women having sexual desires on the same level as a man, so they do not explore their own sexuality.

    [Reply]

  • Meg Says:

    So, my boyfriend watches porn and I found out about it. It wouldn’t be a huge deal if he hasn’t known about my most recent ex boyfriend. We dated for two years and a little over halfway into it I found out he was watching porn, and sexting a girl who had sex with another ex boyfriend of mine, but that’s a different story. Anyways, so after I found out, he swore and promised to stop because he knew there was no point in watching it, I believed him. Four months later I found out that he was lying about everything as well as cheated on me multiple times with so called friends of mine. We broke up and now I’m with my current boyfriend and he is completely aware of how much porn has affected my life and my self esteem in the past. However, I found out that he watched porn. At first I was somewhat understandable because we don’t see eachother on the weekdays, but on the weekends I feel like literally all we do is have sex (and it has gotten to the point where I am hurting.) he says he is hopelessly devoted to me and I know he cares about me. He says I am the most beautiful girl in the world. So, I decide to let him take two videos of me so he can watch them whenever he would like, eliminating the need to look up random naked women shoving random penises up themselves. Well, looks like I was wrong. So if guys HAVE to watch porn and I given him his own personalized porn, why does he have the need to continue to do something so hurtful to me? I don’t understand.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    This goes way beyond porn. The real issue is your self esteem and why you are so attracted to men that are bad for you. Making that video was a huge mistake. Why would you put yourself at such risk? Do you want to end up on a revenge porn site? Do you want your parents or employers to see it? If not, then don’t ever make sex tapes. Don’t take nude photos either. Basically never take a photo or video of anything you want to keep private. I never do and I’ve worked professionally in photography and television for years.

    Like I said this has nothing to do with porn. You really need to stop dating until you can sort your life out. Your choice in friends and men is terrible. So you either are subconsciously surrounding yourself with people who will hurt you because that’s all you feel you deserve, or you really are that naive. Either way you’re setting yourself up to be used.

    Your circle of friends sound toxic and they way every one is fucking each other is sad. And a guy who says you are the most beautiful woman in the world and he’s hopelessly devoted to you is not mature or honest enough to be in a relationship. That’s stuff that people say if they are trying to manipulate you or are co-dependent. Either way it’s a red flag. When someone goes into talk like that ( you’re everything to me, I can’t live without you, you’re the most beautiful girl in the world) run away. Those aren’t compliments, those are signs of emotional instability. I’ve been with my partner for 25 years and I’ve never said those things because I’m a mentally stable person.

    [Reply]

    Suzanne Reply:

    You’ve never told your partner she’s the most beautiful woman in the world? That’s incredibly sad..!! When you love someone they are (or should be) the most beautiful person in the world to you. That’s not a bad thing to say or hear. Agreed on the ‘can’t live without you’ stuff though.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    If I told her that she would roll here eyes because she knows it’s bullshit. She has a hard enough time believing me that I think she’s hotter now at 43 than she was when she was 23 (which is true…she is hotter). Neither one of us though are impressed with exaggerated claims. I think going straight for something that everyone knows is bullshit is a waste of a compliment. Better to go with something that is real and honest and unique to that person. Most beautiful woman in the world sounds about as sincere as people magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” issue. Easy to dismiss.

  • Suzanne Says:

    Haha, well I see your point. But I personally think my partner IS the most attractive person in the world.. If I found someone else more attractive I’d be slightly concerned. I just feel it should be the same with beauty in a woman. Surely it isn’t all about looks. I seriously doubt when my partner first saw me he thought I was the most beautiful on the whole planet or anything, but now, now I’d believe it. Beauty isn’t all about looks either. But surely even you don’t look at other women and think they are hotter or more beautiful than your partner?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Oh for sure I do. How could I not? Being in love hasn’t put me under a spell or blinded me to differences. Without a doubt on a purely objective level I find some women more attractive than my partner. No so much in the face because her face feels very right to me. Great lips, a perfect chin…she hits all my sweet spots. Body wise, a lot of women do it for me more. This doesn’t mean that I’m unsatisfied or feel I’m missing out. I’d rather have a different house if I could wave a magic wand, but I’m 100% satisfied with the one we bought and I’m stoked to have it. I’m also 100% stoked to be with my partner as well. But if a magic fairy came down and said she’d make her breasts bigger, fuller and firmer, my partner would jump on that one faster than me. She misses her pre-breastfeeding breasts. Who wouldn’t?

    I think this “perfect one” idea is the number one problem in relationships. If you think that being in love means your partner must be number one in all respects in your eyes, then the minute she/he isn’t you think that something is wrong. I hear this all the time. How can I love him but still have feelings for other men? How? Because you are human! Finding other people attractive (even more attractive) is normal and healthy. Reading anything more into it, is not.

    But when society keeps drumming this relationship fantasy into everyone’s heads, it’s no wonder that so many people think they they must follow their attractions even if they are 100% happy in their current situation. In relationship fantasy land any conflict like that can only mean one thing…this other person must be the “right” one because if they weren’t, I wouldn’t have any feelings for them. Therefore my current partner must be the “wrong” one. Because if they were the “right” one I would shut down emotionally and sexually and never have any desires or thoughts about any one else.

    I’m very realistic. There are lots of women who would had made me equally as happy as my partner. Just in a different way. We grew together over a very long time and share things that can only be shared by being with someone for over two decades. But if I never met her in the first place, I’d be with someone else and have a great life all the same. There is no “one”. Just thousands of options. All of which will enrich you in a different way.

    [Reply]

    Suzanne Reply:

    I agree there is no ‘one’. But saying you find other women’s body parts more attractive than your partners is very depressing. They are just parts.. they shouldn’t mean anything if they aren’t your partners. It’s not all about aesthetics surely!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I just see it as being honest. Ask any guy in the world and they will say the exact same thing. So are you saying you’ve never seen a better haircut and nicer nails on any other man in the world other than the one you are dating right now? Being completely objective here. You’ve never seen a better haircut on anyone? How about nicer a shirt or a pair of shoes? Is he also the tallest and the best singer too? Clearest complexion. Best dancer? Smoothest skin? Best swimmer? Under your theory your partner should be the absolute best of everything and anything in the world. No one tells a joke better, no one cooks better and no one has a tighter waist or better abs.

    And yes, the “parts” don’t mean anything. But there are differences and you respond differently to these differences. Men have no problem with this dynamic. It’s largely a women’s world view that everything is connected and meaningful. Guys just don’t think that way at all. We really don’t. And if my partner was lacking in “parts” that were on my must have list, I wouldn’t had fallen for her. We both possessed parts that the other responded very positively to. Without those parts we would had just stayed friends. This is true for everyone weather they want to admit it or not.

    However at this stage, if she were to lose one of my favorite parts I would be fine because after 25 years our connection runs really deep. But if they weren’t there in the beginning I wouldn’t had pursued her. Like a cleft chin is absolute deal breaker. I cannot deal with a cleft chin on a woman. I really can’t.

    But acknowledging that yes, some women have elements you find more attractive than your partner is just stating the obvious. I don’t need to lie to myself or suppress my feelings to maintain my happiness with my partner. Which is what I’d be doing. And that will drive you crazy.

  • Amanda Says:

    So very true, I hate it now even if my husband makes the face he makes when he is really into another woman at me like that because well its fake. He only does this now because I have mentioned the face he makes when he is looking at something more attractive “to him”. In our last two “jack daniels” conversations .. yeah we really shouldn’t drink together .. I ask him why he has to stare, he says to soak it in. I ask him why he has to soak it in, he says to remember. I ask him why he has to remember, he laughs like a 12 year old. Thats where the honesty stops and I have to assume the answer. In another he says he would be ok with me fantasizing about other men because he would reap the benefits in bed, when he says he doesn’t fantasize about other women when he is with me. Thats another one of those bullshit lines like “your the most beautiful woman in the world”. Then he says its becoming a womans world because more male actors are showing their asses in movies LOL .. like that does it for me I said, faces do it for me not butts. He says, thanks I really needed to know that. Well I have to know whenever your drooling over an attractive woman by your behavior, its nothing different. Then I get none of it matters, I love you and your all I care about. I don’t do it anymore because I care about you and I care about your feelings. No, no, no. Its all talk. He doesn’t do this and he doesn’t do that when I’m around – even tho he still can’t figure out how to control his enthusiasm even if he doesn’t stare as hard as he used to while I’m next to him. I’m trying to keep it realistic and honest while he continues to lie because he thinks thats going to help me. It only hurts more. I have to fix me! I still don’t know how though. I feel like I have to stay up all night with him having sex that he loses his erection 2 or 3 times during and suffer lack of sleep over and for what when he can get turned on in a heartbeat by someone elses image? And now that he has his dope again he has to be high for it .. I guess that helps the imagination more. I’m just being realistic. This is how it is after 28 years.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I think that’s how it for you after 28 years but it’s also apparently how it is for many after only 2 years. But you stick around so you are definitely getting some kind of pay-off. Nobody sticks around in a dysfunctional situation unless they are getting a reward of some sort. So even though you don’t like his behavior, his behavior is also what some part of your desires. Otherwise you’d leave. This is one of the truism of human behavior. Even when we are destroying ourselves, we are getting a pay-off of some sort. Otherwise we’d stop.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    lol that guy tells me he knows how to fix it and doesn’t leave his phone number for me, anyway. I don’t know what the pay off is, we are broke and life sucks. We have great sex. Is that the pay off? Cuz I’ve never had sex with anyone else, how would I know what I was missing. You would think I would be the one with the issue of men men men huh? Wanting to be with other men, wanting to know what its like with this one and that one. Also, eck hemmm, I have nowhere to go if I wanted to. I guess I could look up some lonely ladies that want a roomy, but I have a 14 year old son too .. and I’ve been trying to stick it out. Almost there! It’s scary jumping into new things, but it most days I feel like dieing or like I am dieing than what could be worse than that?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    A payoff is not necessarily something positive in the traditional sense. It just means that your situation is fulfilling some of your needs. For example, anorexics get a payoff from not eating. The payoff is control. Behind every anorexic is someone who feels they have no control and controlling their eating, and therefore their body, gives them a sense of mastery of their lives. Most people think anorexics are trying to get thin, but they really aren’t. The thinness is the proof that they are in control. That’s why all the emphasis on trying to convince them they are too thin doesn’t work. Why would someone give up self control when it’s obvious by people reactions that they are doing such and excellent job of exercising self control?

    That’s what I mean by pay-off. Even self destruction can be part of a reward system that fulfills some need.

    [Reply]

  • Mozzy S Says:

    Hey! I find your blog bloody marvellous and frank. I know that all men are different but this sums up a lot about the fellas I’ve been with. I have a question that’s been bugging me. I have been seeing bloke for about a month now. He seems like he’s into me when we are together ( there would be a lot of kissing, fun, laughs, sex and great times…and he always says I’m beautiful which is wonderful) when we are not together he won’t ring me and sometimes the texts are short and sweet. This makes me very confused. I was emotionally abused in my previous relationship. My ex basically fucked with myhead and this (I hope) is whats made me paranoid. I have a child with my ex too so I have no choice but to continue to see him. Like I said everything is perfect with my new man when we are together but when we are not I sometimes wonder. Because I haveva child this has also made me extra cautious as any single parent would be. My question is. Is my new man in to or should I just not pursue things just case I as well as my kid gets hurt. Thanks for taking the time to read this. X

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’ll speak from a guys perspective here. For starters you’ve only been dating a month. Secondly you have a child. That alone can explain a lot. But really you should ask him. Maybe he’s still trying you out and isn’t sure how involved he wants to be. Maybe this is exactly the right amount of involvement he needs right now. Maybe he’s really introverted and needs a lot of alone time. Maybe he’s uncomfortable talking on the phone. Maybe he’s married or has a girlfriend. Could be any of these things or none of them. You should just ask him. Also keep in the mind the month thing. That’s a really short time to be having sex already and getting him involved in your life when you have a child to think about. He should be kept at a distance for quite a while. A child shouldn’t be exposed to their parent’s dating ups and downs. They need stability. And I think all women should wait a month BEFORE having sex, no matter how great a guy is. This weeds out the booty calls. A guy will not invest a month into a woman without having sex if he doesn’t see her as relationship material. It’s that simple. Here’s the cruel truth. Guys will always try to get in your pants, but if you let them in too soon, they won’t respect you and you’ll be off the relationship list. It’s a really sad and cruel thing that guys do and it’s not fair. But guys don’t even know they are doing it because were saddled with two contradictory impulses. One is to get sex as often as possible with as many women as possible. The other is to form life bond with a woman who will be a great mother of his children, a great partner, and not let the home fall apart. So the pursuit of the immediate goal (sex) contradicts our long term goals. So of course a man wants to have sex with you if he finds you attractive, but if you give it too soon, he’s disappointed that you caved so easily and that puts doubts in his mind to your fitness as a life partner. If all women followed the one month rule they would be a lot less heartache out there. I think most guys will agree that a one month courtship (lots of dating, calls, texts…the usual stuff) before sex, is about the right amount of time to feel that this girl is relationship material.

    But hey, If you just need some sex to clear your head, and you don’t see the guy as relationship material, then forget the waiting period and go for it. Just don’t change your mind afterwards as you’ll have to do a lot of work to get out of the booty call category.

    [Reply]

  • Suzanne Says:

    Yes but it wouldn’t be suggesting they actually were the most attractive or had the most attractive parts out of anyone, because that’s impossible anyway, since beauty is subjective. But I don’t see why it would be a bad thing to say someone is the most beautiful person in the world to you. My partner is without question the best looking guy on the planet, to me! That doesn’t mean I would have thought so if I had passed him on the street without knowing him, he would have just been one of many good looking guys. But somewhere along the way after knowing him and loving him inside and out, he became the best looking. I can say that without hidden agenda (he doesn’t know I’m writing any of this), it’s just a fact. I don’t see any other men’s bodies and think ‘wow’ or want to touch and hold them, not at all. Only him, so yes I can say with total honesty he IS the most attractive man on the planet to me. No he doesn’t have the best haircut, and he can’t cook. But attraction isn’t a separate thing from love, to me at least. I can judge a persons attractiveness in an instant, but it will change drastically once I get to know the person. As lame as it sounds beauty really does come from within, to me at least. I think it’s great that you’re honest with your partner and that she loves you for it, but it isn’t a ‘every guy’ view. It’s just yours. I know not all women think like I do, and I know that whilst there are stereotypes and generalizations for men, such as porn and separating love from sex etc etc, there are exceptions to the rule. Always. With everything. Plenty of guys could and would say that their partner was the most beautiful woman on the planet to them, and it would be the truth. Because that is how they feel.

    [Reply]

  • Shae Says:

    I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year now, and we have been living together for 6 months. In the beginning, when we didn’t live together, he always wanted to have sex with me but most of the time had a problem climaxing, because, so he says, he was too used to doing it himself. I knew he was heavily into watching porn but didn’t see anything wrong with it being that he had been single for a while and was pretty much only self servicing. It did bother me a lot.The fact that i couldn’t satisfy him was a constant slap in the face but I dealt with it because i knew i had to be realistic. We weren’t living together and i knew i couldnt expect him to live with only getting off a few times a week.He had told me that once we moved in together and he could have me everyday he wouldn’t need to watch porn anymore and for the first month we lived together everything was great, we were intimate every night. About three months ago, while looking for an old website i visited, i noticed a whole bunch of web history from a porn site. It didn’t bother me at first, but once i saw it, it hit me that our sexual relationship had changed and was somewhat dwindling. After that, of course i had to take notice of every time we had sex as well as look to see if he was watching anything when i wasn’t around. Turns out my suspicions were correct and he does in fact watch porn every single day that he is home by himself (once a week). After a few weeks of feeling like crap every time he fell asleep and didn’t want to touch me, i finally said something. I straight out asked him if he was attracted to me anymore and told him that by him not wanting to sleep with me made me feel very insecure. he apologized and told me he loved me and how beautiful i am but it didn’t really fix anything. During the same conversation I told him that i wanted to have more sex and was upset that he didn’t want more. I told him to push my head in his lap any time he had an urge. Gave him carp blanche to sex whenever he wanted. Things got a little better. He did start putting in more effort and started initiating things more but never gave up his weekly porn.

    I haven’t mentioned that if he satisfy’s himself with porn during the day, he wants nothing to do with me that night. So i decided to let it go. Let him have one day a week where he can get off to images of other girls and just deal with it. His days off are wednesdays and thursdays. I normally have off on wednesdays so we can spend the day together but last week i switched it to thursday because it was our anniversary. Wednesday night we had sex, but he didn’t even come close to finishing. I knew it was because he had already watched porn and got off earlier in the day. The next morning comes, which was valentines day and our anniversary and he wants to have sex, so we do. The night comes and he falls alseep on me (big surprise!). So Friday comes and i can no longer hold in how upset i am. I had to let it out and was very angry with him for screwing up our anniversary. He tells me i dont know his body and how he’s going to react but i am right 99% of the time. He doesn’t understand how him watching porn one day effected our relationship the next. He doesn’t seem to care that it makes me feel like im not good enough when he chooses to watch other women over me. If he knows he cant perform twice in a day, why would he choose to have sex with himself than wait for me? The scary part is, if he didn’t have to work, or had more time at home by himself, i’m not sure if we would ever have sex.
    Today is his day off and I am dreading having to go home and find out what he did today and know that there will be no intimacy tonight.
    Do i have a right to be upset with him for getting off to porn when i want more sex as it is? Could he really be that attracted to me if he would rather watch porn than be with me? I know you say that sex is the relationship to the man but it feels like i have to cut off all sex to get him to understand how much it bothers me.

    And just so you know.. I am 23 and he is 35. Is this just going to get worse as he gets older?

    [Reply]

  • sweet sue Says:

    So tell me this…I caught my husband looking at photos of nude women on his phone WHILE I was giving him a blowjob. This upsets me to no end. It’s one thing to get yourself off to porn on your own time, but I felt VERY disrespected. Since you seem to be somewhat of an expert in this field, I’d like to know your view on this. We’ve been married almost 30 years and are just getting back on track after HE had an emotional affair.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Wow, he’s gotten sloppy after 30 years hasn’t he? Having an emotional affair AND then backing it up by watching porn on his phone while you give him a blowjob. He’s really got to get his act together. And how does he have access to his phone while you’re blowing him? How does he even think of doing that in the first place.? It boggles the mind.

    This is what I think. He must be around 50-ish so he’s loosing his perspective due to fear of dying, getting old…whatever his anxiety is. So if this has all just happened recently, and he was all good for the previous 20-some years, then I’d say there’s a good chance he can get his act together. But he needs to recognize that this is even a problem for that to happen. But couples therapy could do wonders. I’ve seen big turn arounds among the couples I know. Right now he is clearly disconnected from you and is drifting around. That’s always a problem. Once someone starts disconnecting all sorts of whacky behavior creeps in. Hopefully he wants to reconnect. If he does it should all work out.

    But yes, he was waaaaay out of line on that one. It’s so ballsy, disrespectful, and blatant that I can only think he wanted to get caught. Maybe it was a cry for help.

    [Reply]

  • Amy Says:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. We have broken up a few times and hes slept with a number of people most times we have broken up. But lately its like hes been getting more and more off with me. He doesnt look at me the same , he doesnt talk to me the same, he doesnt act the same around me. Hes lost all respect for my feelings and just does not seem interested. We dont have sex like atall anymore. Maybe once a week if im lucky and he also lies to me about having a wank. Hes got me so paranoid that he doesnt find me attractive anymore and doesnt care about me that i wonder whether hes actually going for a wank instead of a piss. All sorts of stuff has happened ontop of this but i dont know what to do about it anymore. Its got to the point that i cry nearly 5 times a day ad i struggle to even get him to listen. He is now quite violent with me.. Shouting in my face, shoving me around, twisting my arm nearly breaking it saying he is going to break it , punching my arm. Breaking anything just because im crying. He tells me to grow up and shutup. Help? <3

    [Reply]

  • Sarah Says:

    My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over 2 months now. Things are progressing fast, even though we are not doing anything intentionally. Right now we are trying to get ot know each other on a deeper level and truly figure out if we see ourselves with each other in the long run. Recently, he told he with every woman he sees he imagines himself having sex with her. It doesn’t matter what she looks like or who she is, he imagines it. Sometimes he makes comments to me about how hot she is or something and I jokingly play along with it. I know that he wouldn’t cheat on me, but I don’t know if this is something I can handle for a lot longer. He says he wishes he could have sex with every female in the world. I’m just not sure how to take this. Help me please!

    [Reply]

    Suzanne Reply:

    OK, I know you probably want a guys opinion, but here you go.. Why are you with this guy?? I mean, it’s not normal for a man to think about having sex with EVERY female they see, that’s creepy as heck. But, and this is a big but, even if that was ‘normal’, do you not think it’s incredibly disrespectful for him to WANT to do that? If you’re wanting to have sex with other people, stay single. simple as that. Kudos to the guy for the honesty, at least now you know he’s a seriously dodgy character and you can run.. run fast!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I’m going to disagree with Suzanne. She’s mixing up desires/impulses/animal instincts with actions. If he didn’t want to have sex with other women THAT would be the problem because he’d be either gay or asexual. This whole idea that if you love someone all your natural desires disappear is total and complete bullshit and defies everything we know about brain development, psychology, biology and genetics. It’s just some made up fantasy that has no basis in facts.

    Th real problem is his his blabbermouth. Why he volunteers this information is a mystery. Perhaps he’s truly that clueless. Maybe this is a way of maintaining independence as you move closer together. Maybe he’s really insecure and this makes him feel more manly. Who knows? But his thoughts are his alone and really not what matters. Actions are what counts. Believe me, if we could all read each others thoughts, life would be unbearable. So much shit runs through our brains every day – and most of it is just that, shit. The problem is he’s letting you in on shit that should be kept private, so now you have to deal with it. Which is a weird thing to do if you want to have to impress your girlfriend.

    So he’s needs to get this under control, not just for you but for himself because weather he knows it or not, just saying whatever pops into your head alienates people. And making a point to tell your new girlfriend that you think about having sex with other women is about the dumbest dating maneuver I can think of. Which goes back to my first three theories (cluelessness, insecurity, or a way of creating distance because things are moving to fast for his comfort)

    Also, you have no idea whether he would cheat on you or not. You’ve known him 2 months, which means you are still strangers. It takes about three to five years to really know someone deeply.I know that sounds like a line of bull but after you’ve been with someone for a couple of decades you realize that really didn’t know much about that person for at least three years. That’s because you need to see how a person behaves in a wide variety of situations and stressors to really know who they are deep down inside.

    [Reply]

    Suzanne Reply:

    Oh come on, you’re kidding now, right? Seriously.. She didn’t say he finds other women sexually attractive, she said he imagines having sex with EVERY woman he sees. And you’re honestly trying to say that’s ‘fine’? That’s ridiculous. OK on the whole animalistic instinct, but if men are animals, so are women. So although there are (obviously) differences between men and women, we are not a different species. Men are not just pigs who sit around imagining having sex with everyone, for a start that isn’t even logically possible! One or two a day possibly, but jeez, there aren’t enough minutes in the day to fantasize about having sex with everyone they see. That’s just silly. Also, saying that about desires when you fall in love being bullshit is in fact bullshit. You’re categorizing all men into how YOU think and feel. Which is impossible to be true. I don’t go about assuming how I think is the same as everyone else. Men aren’t a category and it’s completely ridiculous to throw them all into this idea that they are incapable of feeling/thinking/being different to you.

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    He’s obviously not being literal when he says EVERY woman. He’s just making a point. It’s like saying you think about sex ALL the time. Or I’m hungry ALL the time. It’s not literally true, its figuratively true. It’s for emphasis. I want to surf ALL the time. Not literally all the time but the word ALL is for emphasis to show how much I love to surf. And you can dismiss me all you want but I’m not going to give advice based upon anomalies or wishful thinking about how I want things to be. For some reason you think that I’m only talking about my personal experience and not a lifetime or observations, studying, and conversations. I’ve been thinking about male behavior seriously since elementary school because, being male, I was exposed to their behavior and impacted in a way that a woman would generally not be. How a man deals with other men is probably the single most important element in shaping how their life turns out. It’s also very different than how a man deals with a woman. So I think about it a lot, and since I’m a man, men will tell me things and expose themselves in a way they will never do with a woman because they don’t want to freak the shit out of them and send them running. You seriously have no idea how weird and volatile it is behind the scenes.

    For example, do you know why two unfamiliar guys who accidentally make eye contact as they pass each other on the street, always do the head nod/what’s up thing? It’s so we don’t get into a fight. When two men who don’t know each other make eye contact, it must be acknowledged. You can’t make eye contact and then quickly look away. Not allowed. Eye contact without acknowledgement can be interpreted as threatening or dismissive. And threatening or dismissive signals leads to fights. This happens in restaurants. concerts, bars, at the beach… everywhere.

    I did a stand up routine about it one time and it was a huge hit because every guy knew it was true and all the women now knew why their boyfriend did that weird whatsup thing. One women who had to walk home every night after work through downtown decided to try it out against all the lurkers. She’s young, pretty and blonde so every guy that she crosses paths with is sizing her up. So when this guy started to come towards her, instead of adverting her eyes and keeping her head low like she usually did, she looked him right in the eye, tipped her head head back and said what’s up… and kept on walking. The guy was thrown off for a second but what did he do? He nodded back and kept walking. She took control of the situation by leveraging an ingrained behavior that all guys eventually learn if they expect to not get their ass kicked all the time. So she sent a clear signal. I acknowledge you and everything is cool. There won’t be any trouble tonight.

    This is why I speak in generalities. What I’ve learned about male behavior over the years is so ubiquitous that in lieu of specific information that contradicts it, how I think a guy’s brain is working is probably true. So I give advice based upon those assumptions.

  • Suzanne Says:

    Ah well, see, if you’re admitting it’s a generality then that’s fine. It’s just as lot of stuff you say sounds like you’re suggesting it’s true of everyone, which it just isn’t. I googled the whole ‘wanting to have sex with every female you see’ thing and was rather surprised by the results! I’d say about 30% agreed that they imagine having sex with every female they see (which frankly makes me want to never leave the house again!), but for the majority, say 60% just said it was a hot or not categorization, not full-on imagining having sex with them, just basically an instinctual ‘yes I would’ and ‘no I wouldn’t’ think. Which makes a lot more sense, and which certainly isn’t just men, I believe most women would agree they do the same. The remaining minority just said no, they see they are attractive but that’s as far as it goes. I found it all very interesting to read about really. Men are all different, the same as women are all different, and I hate generalizations.. It’s like saying all women want a dozen babies. Just because it’s in our ‘nature’ doesn’t make it true. As for the head nodding thing.. Are you American? I live in England.. guys don’t do that here. They do sometimes with other guys they are friends with.. but then, so do I, and I’m a woman! Mainly people say Hi rather than the head thing..

    [Reply]

  • M. Says:

    After reading multiple posts on this subject and the few that digress into other more dysfunctional aspects of their own personal relationships, I felt compelled to chime in. Since we as humans are responsible for own thoughts which then equate to emotions, like most things, coercion of others (men in this case) is not the answer or even an option. So, speaking to women and being a woman myself, acceptance is key. Accept men’s biological wiring without anger, resentment or hurt. This is much easier than you think.

    Within the context of your current love relationship, ask yourself, does my partner’s fantasy’s about other women diminish his desire and sexual action toward me? If the answer is, yes, then you have within your power to simply pack up, emotionally and physically, and move on. If the answer is, no, however then there is no further need to spend time and energy in controlling what is uncontrollable.

    Accept men have sexual urges (instinctual mind desires) and accept that you will probably never feel good because unfortunately for women, that is accepting our ingrained wiring as well. Life wasn’t constructed to even or fair it’s our job to accept what is.

    The good news is that you have within you the power to evolve past these hurt feelings you’ve accumulated unconsciously. On those rare days due to whatever circumstances when you are more emotionally vulnerable to choose offense? Focus around you and on the things in your life that cause good and connected feelings within yourself.

    Who your partner thinks about has zero impact on how attractive or worthy you are in the big picture. Don’t make your need for approval stronger than your desire for inner peace and contentment.

    And on a lighter karmic note, when all else fails – laugh. For all the attention our partner gives other women, there are just as many men returning those energetic attentions toward you!

    Not one thing in your life deserves to have that much importance or impact on your worth in this life.

    This article and the comments have been an enlightening and interesting read … thank you. :)

    [Reply]

  • Amy Says:

    Thinking: if thats all true – its so completely wrong and fucked up I’m gonna become a nun then spend my life feeling like I’m not good enough to satisfy my man in all the ways a man needs to be satisfied by myself and wow, feeling so incredibly insecure….. :(

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s one way to think about it, but can anyone really be everything for anybody? I can’t satisfy all my partner’s need or my daughter’s needs. That doesn’t mean I’m any less of a great partner or dad. They both need experiences I can’t provide. They need friends and relationships other than me. They need to listen to music, watch shows, and read books that I have no interest in. They need a full and varied life. No one person can provide that.

    Do you only eat one thing for every meal? Do you only have one pair of pants and one shirt? One friend? One song that you listen to exclusively. One book that you read over and over again?

    What if an author told you that you only need to read one book and it’s the book they wrote. And if you said you liked other books too the author got all upset and said you don’t really love their book because if you did, you’d never need to read another book. And they they went and sulked on the couch. Would that make sense? But let’s take it one step further. Say you did just read books by this one author but when you’re at a bookstore you will look at other covers occasionally. You don’t buy them, you don’t even read them, but you do get a little kick out of looking at the other books covers. Is that wrong? Does the author have a right to follow you around and make sure you never even glance at another book cover. Does that authors work suddenly become sub standard just because their biggest fan likes to look at other book covers as well?

    No it wouldn’t. So if one author can’t satisfy ALL your reading needs for your entire life, why would you think you should be able to satisfy All of your partner’s need for their entire life? It doesn’t make sense. It’s fundamentally anti-human to expect that type of control over another person.

    Here’s one more example that’s happening right now. I’m a funny guy and that’s one of the things my partner digs about me. I can make her laugh. Tonight, however, she’s going to see comedian Paula Poundstone. Now I’ve already seen her two times and that’s enough for me. So she’s going by herself. Does that make me not funny anymore? Is she being disrespectful by getting her laughs from someone else. Aren’t I enough? If she really though I was funny, and she really loved me, she should not feel the need to laugh at other people’s jokes, correct? The mere fact that she’s in love with me should render everyone else’s jokes instantly not-funny. How can I feel good out myself when she does this?

    If I said this you’d rightfully think I was nuts.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Point taken but I dont think the comparison’s you use really go with what she is talking about. You know she isn’t talking about material things. For instance my husband satisfies me enough that I don’t need to wait until he leaves the room to look at other men or I don’t need to stare at a man on the street simply because I think he is attractive. Ya see it ok, move on. whats so hard about that? As far as the porn goes – ok yeah we can’t be there all the time to satisfy every tingle of horniness our partner may have all the time … BUT what comes first? Images and thoughts of other women then your tingly and turn to porn to finish the job? or a tingling sensation that came from nowhere then you turn to what you need to get off? Or is it “i’m all alone now so I need to do something, it feels so bad but its so good” type of deal. all of the above? idk, wish I was a guy I guess, you have it good!

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I would say everything I mentioned was an emotional need. The only reason we read books, go to comedy, try different foods, look at art, or listen to music is to feed our humanity. None of these are material needs. Materially we require very little. Food, water…maybe a little shelter. You could survive on the exact same meal every day. As long as it was nutritionally complete your body wouldn’t care either way. It’s our mind that wants variety. Without variety we wither. Isolate us and we go insane. We can’t function as human beings without sensory stimulus, variety, and connections with other people. I’m just pointing out that the control some women want to exert over their male partners is anti-human (denies our humanity) and also hypocritical because you know there is no way these same women would give up the stuff they like, need, feel is innate, or would be willing to suppress their thoughts at the draconian level they expect of men. They would react the same way men do…with indignant defiance.

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    Ok, damn, well said! The larger part of me is laying down to accept all of this, really it is. I guess its the woman in me that kicks back once in a while and I’ve always used to say (when I wasn’t like I am now) it’s ugly! I do good on most days.

    [Reply]

  • Esther Says:

    am 28yrs old, i got married last yr june but two months after our marriage he develop a new character though av not caught him red handed but with his behavior i could sense that his having extra marital affairs. like he longer leave his phone, he always carriec it even while in d toilet, he also leave d house nd come back at mid night so i tried to talking to him nd asking him what has gone wrong but instead he turns it to quarrel, i got pregnant but bcos of this i lost d child, some times he even refuse to have sex with me……but now am pregnant nd resently i found out that he always carried cd with him…..pls what can i do, am totally lost, it seems he doesnt respect this union,or care about me anymore. pls help.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    I can barely read what you wrote. I’m seriously struggling with it. I’ve seen some pretty bad writing but this is the absolute worse. I have no idea what this sentence means “i found out that he always carried cd with him”. Huh? And even if you typed this on a phone that’s no excuse. I think that is related to your situation. How we express ourselves in writing is directly related to how we process information. Your writing reflects how you thing about things. Which is fragmented and scattered. One thing I can tell for sure is you’ve gotten pregnant twice with a guy who doesn’t respect you, who stays out late whenever he feels like it, and really doesn’t give a crap about your marriage. My advice? Dump him, get on birth control and lay off dating for a while. You are in no frame of mind to even be thinking about getting involved with someone else. You first need to figure out why you think bringing a baby into a dysfunctional situation is even an option. Kids make everything worse. They NEVER help your situation. I know, I have a nine year old and all my friends have at least one kid. And it’s been nothing but added stress. Sure, we love our kids and they’ve enriched our lives beyond imagination, but none of us are under the delusion that it’s helped our relationships are made life more fun. Bringing a child into a perfect relationship is hard enough, into a bad one it’s a disaster.

    [Reply]

  • Lisa Says:

    I have to say being a woman..this list actually fits how I am but with men and other women I know told me the same thing.

    My mom said it’s fine that your partner looks at other people and finds other attractive people..that’s allowed and not a big deal nor should it be. She says we invest too much into it and let it ruin everything else.

    I was thinking if you didn’t then be concerned and worried because your partner may have a brain tumor or other disorder if they don’t check out and find people attractive..LOL.

    It is a natural instinct..and truthfully you have to work and do whatever you like it in a relationship if that means having an open relationship, or a multiple one, etc. then do what works for you and your morals and comfort level.

    Masturbating, fantasies are part of someone’s sexuality and health..also self-care. If that is not happening then I would talk to a doctor.

    If you are taking it personally then as the man said talk about it..do you feel threatened..or not good enough? I’m sure there are plenty of women who would be happier with men who have better bodies but are with their partners..I know many of them.

    I think you can love and also be sexually attracted to someone but also again with primitive, animal instincts can want to just have sex with another person.
    Women are thinking the same things.

    I think men it’s just more an open thing in society (notice how many strip clubs are everywhere for men..there are just Chippendales and not in every town for women or Male Review Night at a single place that doesn’t happen often. We don’t have actual places to go like men do. As with Hooters too..)

    So I say to the ladies get yourselves some Playgirl, Shades of Grey, and whatever else you like. Explore your sexuality too.

    You will and do check out other men..we have been conditioned to fairy-tale syndrome (I am so guilty of this) that one, the love of your life,etc. and it’s a bunch of BS. Sure, you can have that but you will also feel for other people in a sexual way.

    It’s good to know this.

    I have to say I know that when a guy is checking out other women it’s a natural thing..even women that aren’t attractive. I think humans check out everything men, women, their surroudnings..it’s how the brain is. I also know that I am not the most beautiful woman even though I get comments about being beautiful and I don’t have large boobs like my friends do or my sister so that is also mentioned or noticed and I see how guys react to them vs. me and again not their fault. It’s how their brains are designed and work..just as if I were to see a really muscular, good looking guy vs. a more larger male that perhaps was balding or had glasses I would flirt and find that other guy more physically and sexually pleasing to my eyes and what my female brain is hard wired to like.

    I am sure his wife also fantasizes to other men and finds other men attractive and sexy but is with him.

    It is a two way street.

    Men do have more testerone pumping through them so they do need to release it more and you can’t put them down for that or degrade them for having that anatomy and biology. I would never ask a guy to stop looking at porn or dirty magazines or fantasies because that is just not a possibility..a real one and not fair. I wouldn’t want him dictating what I could do.

    It’s different as he puts if it a guy keeps gawking and being insensitive about it..then that’s a different story and does need to be talked about.

    I do think you need a foundation of trust and respect for any relationship to endure. If you don’t have that then forget about it.

    I also know that women like to be around other attractive men and flirt with them just as men do..it’s not a one sided thing.

    Thanks for writing these articles. It gives a better picture and perspective.

    [Reply]

  • Karen S Says:

    First, I love the “To Do” list. It’s so “MEN”, with sex #1 and the Dr. Appt. at the very end of the list…so true! Anyway, I think people need to relax about sex. If a woman can’t climax, she needs to help herself during sex. That’s just an added turn-on for the man. Main thing he wants is to know that, in the end, BOTH of you are satisfied. And you need that. It’s the icing on the cake to climax in his arms. Work on making that happen. As to porn, MEN ARE VISUAL BEINGS and will always respond to the visual and crave the visual. That is not wierd at all. What would turn me off completely would be if it involved violence to women or any children. Don’t lie there like a zombie. Men like some feedback. Just make it appropriate for the moment. Don’t ask him what he thinks is wrong with your car! Have FUN. Impromptu sex is great but planned sex has its own special fun too. Looking forward, all day, to a night when you’ll have champange, appetizers, a warm bath, a massage, slow lovemaking….coming together knowing that’s all the plan….it’s really fun. Give yourself permission to allow it to be as big a joy in your life as it was meant to be. PS: I’ve seen notes from women and men about a woman being too stretched out. With pregnancy, that could happen a little bit. With lack of sex over a good amount of time, those muscles could relax and have some effect too. Google “kegel exercises” and commit yourself to doing them. Also, sit-ups and walking. The vagina is tightest when there is good clitoral stimulation so that the woman is completely turned on and the heightened blood flow then engorges the vaginal walls. So, get good foreplay OR do it for yourself. A woman’s taking charge in sex turns most men on. And, if it’s a real, real problem, see your OBGYN and suggest a surgical tuck. It’s a procedure that can tighten you if necessary.
    Just remember, just like women, men want to feel they are valued and appreciated. They are visual, they appreciate special touches and ideas and they like variety to the act. Men LOVE oral sex. Something nice to add at that time is to put the tip of your baby finger (clip your nails) into his anus and massage there at the same time as you massage and like his penis. Drives them WILD! And, try a sexluded spot outdoors. If you know a very secluded spot, use it on a nice sunny day. This is all NORMAL behavior.

    [Reply]

  • Suzanne Says:

    Thing is, how do you know he isn’t watching something involving children, or violence to women? I think to be honest, that is what bothers most women… I don’t think we’d mind so much if he was just watching normal, good sex. I used to watch loads of porn when I was younger, I’ve had a look recently and it’s all gone really horrible! It’s full of teenagers, seems like anyone over 30 is classed as a milf! It scared me, really did. I may be in the minority here, but I’m never going to feel comfortable knowing a man is getting off to an eighteen year old. Is that ‘prudish’ of me? I don’t know.. I just know I would never be attracted to a guy more than a few years younger than me, it’d be creepy, and I don’t see why it would be any different for a man. And violence towards women? Practically every porn I clicked on was degrading in some way toward women. Has it really become ‘normal’ for a man to get off on watching a woman choke and gag on a guys cock? That scares me. I don’t have an issue with porn, some of it turns me on, too. But after looking recently, it terrifies me wondering what my man might actually watch.. From my own looking, it would be difficult to find porn containing a woman over 25 and that involves no violence or degradation towards women! And so yeah, that’s what bothers me. I don’t mind him watching, but wish I knew what it was.. I’d like to know he wasn’t getting off to young girls or violence. But he’d never tell me, would he. That’s the scary thing.

    [Reply]

  • Kiara Hampton Says:

    what is a realtionship if there are no relations (except for SEX)there are soo many other important things that a man and women should be able to relate and love eachother for besides ONE THING!(SEX)if a man feels like sex is a relationship then he does not need to be in one because its way more then just SEX, he might as well just have friends with benefits or whatever u wanna call it if all he really cares about it the SEX…so to sum put your whole article..pretty much a man wont love u ,try to love u, or think about loving u UNLESS U GIVE HIM SEX!!! and Women r no diff we enjoy SEX as much as men the ONLY diff is that we just dont ONLY consider sex as the one and only priority for a relationship to work because its not..SEX is not love ..it is an EXPRESSION for love ..its a way a couple expresses love for eachother…if any man believes that sex is love then he doesnt really love u he loves the sex u r giving him..a woman is not a SEX object…shes not suppose to just GIVE IT UP TO GET LOVE..are bodies are precious so SEX is suppose to be earned!if a man can not even communicate with u properly untill after u give him sex (as u say n this article)then he never REALLY wanted to at all he just wanted was the SEX.. god says to not have sex before your married..he said this because once u give it up to a man before he has commited to u the men will start to write articles like this thinking they are suppose to be GIVEN SEX rather then working for it and accually loving the women for who she is rather than just SEX and they will define love as sex and put it as a priority of most things…if all women kept their legs closed untill they were commited a men would not have a choice but to consider and realize that there are other things that are importat in a relationship then just SEX( but that would never happen !) women r so desperate these days about wanting to have and keep a man that they r willing to have no standards and just GIVE IT UP to try to please him..wen really thats suppose to be the other way around.. a man finds his wife

    [Reply]

  • Michele Says:

    it’s called self control, if he loves you enough he’ll use it.

    my boyfriend didn’t realize in the beginning of our relationship how I felt about pornography but after three strikes of him being dishonest, I pulled the “take a break” card and told him to let me know what’s more important to him, me or porn.

    three days later the goon shows up at my doorstep begging for me back. he made a promise to me on his deceased father that he wants to change and that he doesn’t want to be pathetic anymore. he told me there is no need for it because he has a hot and willing girlfriend that’s always ready!

    it’s been 1 1/2 years and he hasn’t looked at porn since. our sex life is better than ever and my self esteem has really improved.

    as for him checking out girls, that’s fine by me… I’m the hottest piece of ass he’s ever/will ever have (;

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Good for you on knowing your limits and sticking to them. But I do have a question. How do you know he hasn’t looked at porn in 1 1/2 years. Do you follow him around 24/7? Do you rummage through his stuff, his phone and monitor him when he’s out? Unless you have him on lock down in a maximum security prison, you don’t know. Hopefully he is telling the truth. But what would you do if you caught him? And what constitutes porn? Does a Victoria’s Secret catalog count? How about reading porn? It’s just words on paper. Still images? Videos of wet t-shirt contests or oil wrestling? What if he had a foot fetish and masturbated to videos of women’s feet. They are just feet right? Or does the intent and usage determine what porn is? What if he thinks about other women when having sex with you? Is that porn? Is that cheating?

    I’m only bring this up because it sounds so simple – no porn – but when you start defining what porn is, it get’s much harder as cultural representations of sexuality and our own sexual preferences and urges are actually on a continuum and not an either or situation.

    [Reply]

  • Lisha Says:

    I just wanted to say thank you for your insight. I have read every bit of advice you have given on this page and it has really helped me to feel a little bit better about my boyfriend looking up porn. I don’t particularly like him searching for women that he “likes”, but I now understand why he watches porn a little bit more. It has been a struggle throughout our relationship and it wasn’t even really about the porn, but the fact that he was talking dirty to his high school crush and I ended up accidently seeing it. It lowered my self esteem completely–I mean it decimated my self esteem– and then I found out that he was watching porn. We are working through our trust issues and he says he will never talk like that to another girl other than me or act like that with another girl and I honestly believe him, but still have a nagging voice that causes me to worry. And the sad thing about it was that we were absolutely great until all of that happened. It has been about six months and sometimes it is still hard to completely trust him when he says that I am the only one that he wants and that he only is sexually attracted to me (in real life because obviously he finds those girls attractive in porn.)but,anyways, it was hard when I also found out he watched porn (which I know it is a natural thing, but after that fatal blow to my self esteem and confidence…it was hard to get over the porn)and it still sometimes bothers me. I learned to keep that all to myself.

    Anyways, sorry for the big, long, message. I just started ranting and it actually made me feel a little bit better. I just wanted to say thank you for your insight. It was very helpful. I just don’t understand why some guys look up certain people when they watch porn. I mean, I have watched porn before and I have never looked up a certain person. I just did it by random. (Reason for past tense is that when I found out he was watching porn…a lot of porn…I got grossed out and don’t really watch porn that much anymore…don’t even know if that is normal, or what.)Is there a reason why some guys look up certain porn stars? Or is this just me being super low self esteem girl?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Seeking out a particular porn girl is no different than having a favorite author, poet, artist, restaurant, or band. Some porn girls will just appeal to you in a much stronger way than others. And most porn sites list their name in the description as well as provide “related video links” which often have the same girl. So to have a totally random experience would be unusual as it goes against the user interface of most porn sites.

    And it’s not just about being the “hottest”. Just like in real life, porn attraction is a mixture of looks, attitude, confidence, the sound of the voice, and the way someone moves and carries themselves. It’s the total package. And frankly, attitude and personality is probably number one. The most popular girls in porn are also the most confident, joyous, and exuberant. They seem to enjoy what they are doing, are super comfortable with their bodies, men’s bodies and their own sexuality.

    So most likely your boyfriend’s favorite porn girls is more about that than looks. Don’t know if that information makes you feel worse or better, but men do develop favorites but it’s not for the reasons most women think.

    As for the dirty talking with his ex, yes, that was waaaay out of line. But if you are both young and your relationship is young, and he’s made concrete changes in his attitude and behavior and he truly “get it” that it was a major betrayal, then you’re probably fine on that front. People do some dumb things when they are young and falling in love. The trust issue is a simple formula of time + new behavior + willingness to forgive. So if you two are following that formula the trust will come back

    The porn thing though, you can’t stop it, and if you “made” him stop it would make things worse because he really wouldn’t stop he would just take it underground. And when people do things in secret, have secret parts of their lives, and suppress their true feeling and desires, it always come out badly. You have to live openly and honestly to be a healthy person.

    That’s doesn’t mean you need to jump up and down for joy that he’s honest about his porn habits and attractions, it just means that you are better off in the long run if he knows he’s in a relationship where he can honest about his sexuality. Right now he’s obviously saying a few things because he’s afraid of losing you – specifically the “only sexually attracted to you” part. That is clearly bullshit and you know it. He knows it. But he’s also scared and knows he’s in the doghouse. So that’s why he says it.

    I think porn and looking at other girls would be much less of an issue in most relationships if it was dealt with realistically. There’s a fine line between “private” and “public” behavior. Private stuff is all the stuff that you do that is for you and you alone. Music falls into that category. Musical taste is not a group decision. What another person likes in music is not your concern. However, if they insist on playing their favorite band, which you can’t stand, super loud in the car on every road trip, the entire time, then yes, it is your concern now because it directly affects you. That’s the simplest way to approach this. What goes on his mind, and what he does privately is fine. That’s his domain. But when it spills out (like obviously checking out other girls when he’s out with you) then he’s crossing that line. If you both stay focused on defining and refining that line you’ll both be much happier and healthier.

    And from a guys perspective it also makes a whole lot of sense, which makes compliance and training soooo much easier. Because that’s what you are doing. You are training him so he’ll have the skills necessary to sustain a long term relationship with you. All guys know they get trained. It’s part of the deal. We also train our partners as well but it’s mostly about establishing some kind of autonomy. That’s most men’s number one fear – losing their autonomy completely. We don’t want to be pussy whipped and if we feel that happening, the walls come up. It’s self preservation. So your training needs to acknowledge that. If he knows he’s not going to be stripped of his autonomy, he’ll be pretty compliant on the rest. Guys are super simple. Give us a little corner in the house to cal our own, don’t nag us over every little thing, and give us some decent sex and we’re pretty happy. Most men know that to be in a long term relationship we are going to give up a lot. That’s part of the deal. We just can’t give up everything. Fortunately we don’t need a lot to be happy. If you recognize that, you can pretty much rule the roost and he’ll just go along with the program.

    [Reply]

    Lisha Reply:

    Thank you so much for the reply. We are both young (22-him and 23-me) and we have known eachother since we were 17 and 18 and dated once then and got back together about a year and half ago. It has been rocky after his betrayal because I have never loved anyone else in my life and it really hit me in the gut pretty hard. I am trying to forgive him for it, but it is still a BIG trust issue in our relationship and I loathe it, completely. I am not really a gushy girl who sticks around when things get serious. I have NEVER been that kind of girl, but with him…I am…I feel like I am losing a part of myself in the long run and he feels like I am trying to control him and the things he does when I just want to be included in things with him. (Like going to the bar or partying or hanging out with him.) And, not to mention the fact that him and his sister are VERY close…like, best friends close…and she doesn’t like me and makes it clear that she doesn’t like me and he doesn’t really stand up for me when it comes to her.

    So, we are on a rocky slope and I hate it because he is the only man I have ever dated that I have WANTED to spend my life with. And it is crazy to me because we are so alike with our personalities, but nowadays…I feel like the clingy girlfriend because I am so scared that he is going to cheat on me with his female friends or flirt with them (like he has done with me in the room) and he mainly has female friends…girls he has kissed or slept with or had an attraction to (and he is honest about that part)and so I get nervous with him being around them and drinking. But, he tells me that he is with me and if he didn’t want to be with me, he simply wouldn’t be. I just…hate this…it is ruining me and it is ruining the best thing that has ever happened to me.

    He says that sometimes he feels like he is pussy whipped and that he feels like he can’t do anything by himself without me freaking out. And I don’t feel like I am that bad, but I do feel like I have become “that girl” and I HATE that. So, what do I do to try and forgive him better and show him that I DO trust him and not come off as clingy anymore? I used to be considered the “cool” girlfriend…and now I am considered (by his family and him) as a dysfunctional relationship because of how much we fight and stuff. Like, we fight because he never wants to see me anymore or because of how he allows his sister to treat me or because he doesn’t ever consider how I feel about certain things and how he feels like he is losing himself in me. I never wanted it to be like this…so any advice on how to fix things would be appreciated.

    Sorry for the long post. I don’t usually do this…but it is affecting my mental health and really putting a strain on me. Thank you for any advice you can give. Much appreciated.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Well that gives a clearer picture. I would be on edge too in your place. I know this is hard to see when you are in the thick of it, but love should be something that is earned. And not just in the beginning. I mean very day for your entire life. No free rides. What you are experiencing is not the kind of love that we think about when we think of love. You’re experiencing codependency fueled by fear. If this is how things were with my partner I’d end it in a second and we’ve got 25 years together and a child.

    Unfortunately many people first decide they are in love and that this person is for them. Then they spend years trying to salvage a dying and destructive relationship because they have already decided that they are in love and this is the right person for them. But that’s backwards. The right person is the one that makes you feel amazing and safe. The one that gives you strength. That is how you know you have found the “right one”. And then love springs from that. You don’t apply love like jam on stale toast in hopes of making it edible. If you feel like shit that’s your brain trying to save you. Would you keep your hand on a flame even though you were experiencing great pain? Would you do anything that made you feel this bad? Of course not. So why should a relationship, probably the most important thing to feel good about, be exempted from this rule?

    And the not sticking up for you with his sister is a clear message on where you stand.

  • Amanda Says:

    Guys are super simple. Give us a little corner in the house to cal our own, don’t nag us over every little thing, and give us some decent sex and we’re pretty happy. Most men know that to be in a long term relationship we are going to give up a lot. That’s part of the deal. We just can’t give up everything. Fortunately we don’t need a lot to be happy. If you recognize that, you can pretty much rule the roost and he’ll just go along with the program.

    This is pretty funny! I gave up so much more in my relationship than my husband while he got to do what he wanted the moment I went to bed every night – he neglected his family for years too I feel. Because he was up all night doing what he wanted to do and most of the time it did have to do with his visual needs, porn, whatever. And he still claims he wasn’t happy? dont understand that.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    True, but that is just as much as your fault as his. You made it clear that his behavior was fine by putting up with it. If you would have set boundaries from the beginning with clear expectations and consequences, it would not be this way. Either he would have hit the road early on, or he would had gotten with the program. I know a few guys third hand, who pretty much do what ever they want, and none of them are happy. How can they be? They’re married to a doormat. They have no consequences or boundaries so their actions become meaningless after a while. It would be like being omnipotent. After you’ve amassed all the gold, executed your enemies and ruled without restriction, what is their left to do? We are happiest and healthiest with limitations. In your case it would be exceeding difficult to change because you’ve had this dynamic for so many years. But if you set it up that way in the beginning it works. Both me and my partner made it clear what we needed right from the beginning. And then in the middle is this big area of gray with wiggle room and negotiations. But we each have our little area that is off limits to the other. Kind of like non-negotiable demands. There’s very few of them but they are important. We also have similar non-negotiable demands which helps. This is because our world view is nearly identical. Which is something so many people overlook when choosing a partner. If you don’t share the same ideas on what is just and fair, if you don’t conjure up similar ideas when thinking about what living a “good life” means, they’ll be nothing but problems.

    [Reply]

  • Amy Says:

    I’m amazed you’re still responding to this. Thank you for that.

    Anyways, I just had some additional questions as a sort of extension to this article. I was reading through some of your comments and you mentioned earlier that you’ve had multiple crushes since you’ve been with your partner. What were these crushes like? (As in, how much time a day would you spend thinking/fantasizing about this crush and for how many days before it eventually sizzled out into disinterest? What were these fantasies/thoughts about?) I get that guys think about sex with other girls as a natural thing .. it’s the whole having crushes while with your partner that freaks me out a bit. For me, when I crush on a guy, he consumes my thoughts ALL THE TIME. I will have fantasies (non sexual) about doing the simplest things with him. But after being in a relationship, I don’t have crushes on guys – period. I still find other guys attractive but I won’t extend my thoughts about those guys for very long at all. My mind is more focused on my boyfriend and looking forward to talking to him and thinking about how to make him happy – just basically being attached to him. That’s why I’m a little freaked out when you say that guys will crush on other girls even while with their partner.

    ALSO another disturbing thought: with these crushes, do guys fantasize about having sex with them and if they do, do they masturbate to these fantasies or even think about these fantasies while having sex with their partner?

    [Reply]

    Amy Reply:

    errrr…..are you not gonna reply?

    [Reply]

  • Lisha Says:

    So should we call it quits or try and rewire the relationship and be together? Because there is so much love in our relationship, but with all of our problems it makes it hard to stick around. We both don’t want to leave the other…it is clear since we have put up with shit for six months or longer…is there any ways to salvage a relationship that has become codependent?

    [Reply]

    Lisha Reply:

    Shit, he tells me all the time he doesn’t think I will ever break up with him…over anything, but cheating.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    So far he’s been right. And he acts accordingly. I also fail to see what love has to do with anything. You’ve decided there is great love and then behave as if it’s true. It’s all backwards. We teach people how to treat us. People that get taken advantage of, get lied to, and get treated without respect have made it clear to the world that’s how they should be treated. It’s that simple. Everyday you put up with sub standard behavior is another day confirming that you are not worthy of anything better. Can it be saved? Perhaps, but not with your method. Your method will continue to devalue your worth in his eyes as it should. Why should he have respect for you when you don’t have respect for yourself. You are making this way more complicated than it has to be because you prefer the fantasy over the reality. You simply don’t like the way things are so you’ve created a long list of excuses to explain it away. Your past together, you love for each other….all just excuses to avoid what is happening right in front of your face. So you either accept this as your future or you change it. There is no middle ground. Change doesn’t necessarily mean dumping him. But it definitely includes treating yourself with respect, and establishing clear expectations of what is required to be in a relationship with you. Right now you have almost no value. You’ve squandered your currency. Unless you reset that value back to where it should be he will not treat you the way you want to be. I know how guys think. They are very adaptable and circumstantial in their behavior. They will generally try to get away with whatever they can unless someone stops them. Guys are like a liquid. They will fill all the space available to them. You provided an endless container to fill, so his behavior keeps spreading. Trust me, guys respect, and expect, push back and clear boundaries. It’s how we deal with each other. We have zero respect for someone who will not establish those boundaries. And respect is the foundation of everything.

    [Reply]

  • nic Says:

    My husband made friends with ex lovers on facebook, stating they were girls he was “friends” with in his past. When the truth came out he admitted yes they were after he was caught messaging them (nothing inappropropriate but he seemed desperate to have any contact, liking statuses, making contact about any thing etc) sexual partners but he had no feelings for them in that way anymore just curious about them, however he did admit he couldn’t help but “recall” their sexual intimacies, however claimed their was nothing wrong with that as he couldnt help it and it wasnt like he sat around wanking off over it. I find it hard to believe you track down girls you had sexual relationships with when you are happy. He feels because he states he didnt have “intent” to cheat he just wanted to have a big friends list, I have nothing to worry about. He has since deactivated his facebook account but i worry that the underlying issues that caused this in the first place are still there.Any advice would be helpful

    [Reply]

  • Amanda Says:

    I’m sure Straight Dope will comment but see this is what I’m talking about, you nailed it on the head .. what is the underlying cause for this. Now I don’t care if he is desperate to have contact with ex lovers or new prospects .. I mean facebook has how many people on it? If he wants a bigger list he could have friended anyone and everyone else. But why do guys do this shit? My husband doesn’t go on facebook anymore either but I know he wants to. I know there is a bunch of things he “wants” to do .. I’m sure he sneaks what he can .. but why does he want and need to do these things in the first place? The world has become nothing but material for the their wank bank .. why even have real relationships anymore if all guys do is long for the next distraction all the time.

    [Reply]

  • Another Amy Says:

    What my husband thinks about sex! His answer is four words “sex and marriage suck”. We have been married 45 years and from day one meaning the day after the wedding. I discovered sex to him and about me was pointless, meaningless, disgusting (enough to vomit), messy, smelly and something unthinkable to do to another human. So that ended all interaction, he doesn’t speak to me, moved to our basement and built an apartment, or out in his garage on the back of our property. He won’t even park his car next to mine or even under the same roof. He only slept with me maybe 2 or 3 hours on our wedding night. He slept the rest of the night on a chaise lounge on the hotel patio. Next morning he told me he wasn’t going on our honeymoon, no point in going. But if I wanted to go alone he said go ahead. I was married and alone again all in one 24 hour period. I should have left him but I was young, scared and horribly embarrassed, angry ! I thought things would work out, it never happened. I hate all men and myself, I do trust my shrink and my anti-depressant pills. I’m to old to care any more, and if I die tonight, that would be wonderful.

    [Reply]

    Amanda Reply:

    Thats really sad, How long have you had this shrink that they haven’t empowered you to leave this unloving, non existent union? I don’t know, we all have reasons for why we do what we do, why we stay, why we go. Everyone is different, there may be some general rules to different sexes but the fact is we are all different and we really can change the way we think as much as we are brainwashed by our elders and society when we are growing up.

    [Reply]

  • pamelamc725 Says:

    Why is it that women just have to deal with it, but if another man flirts with me or stares at me my husband finds it disrespectful? Or when I was in Dallas and met up with an ex-boyfriend I was just friends with he hit the roof? Why is it ok for him and not me? I don’t get it. If he can look at other women, why can’t another man look at me? To be clear I find it completely disgusting when men look at me like that. I usually call them a pervert because I clearly have a ring on and I’m a mom even if I don’t look like it.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s easy. Your husband is a hypocrite. Simple as that. He’s being a big baby.

    [Reply]

    pamelamc725 Reply:

    How do I make him see that? That if he’s going to do something I’m going to do it too?

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    That’s a tough one. Usually with hypocrisy, logic and reason have a hard time penetrating. This is because of the origins of people’s hypocrisy which usually taps into prejudice and privilege. If someone flat out thinks that they are permitted to do things that others aren’t because they are special, there’s not much you can do about that. Hopefully he just hasn’t thought this through completely and logic and reason will allow him to see what h thinks is acceptable isn’t just or fair.

  • Audra Says:

    I have a question about your #2 in how men stare of other women and think dirty thoughts :-(
    I know it’s normal that men stare and I get that but my boyfriend like staaaaares lol he makes me and the person he’s staring at uncomfortable and it infuriates me!! We just actually had a talk about this lastnight. Because he admitted he thinks dirty thoughts every time he stares and he can’t help it. However yes us females are an emotional, sensitive and insecure wreck and think they should only have eyes for them. Well I’m really trying hard to deal with and understand he’s just being a man but when he tells me he thinks dirty thoughts it upsets me like crazy. How would he feel if I stared at some guys dick and thought dirty sexual thoughts :-( I look yes but my mind is shutoff I don’t think dirty or sexual with me and this stranger so why would my boyfriend stare so hard at some girls ass and picturing them banging it??? It’s not right!! I don’t wanna be with a perv like that. If ur gonna have these dirty thoughts of banging diff women then the way I see it is ur not happy banging me or u can’t be trusted around a hot chick and expect to not cheat if ur mind is alrdy cheating!!! How can u help me understand this and try to be comfortable with my man thinking about fucking different girls or whoever catches his eye :-(

    [Reply]

  • Alice Says:

    I need to talk to my partner, but I have no one to help me gather my thoughts. Please help.
    My boyfriend and I are in our early twenties. Virgins when we met, we waited six months before having sex. It took him a while to get used to vaginal sex after being used to a firm grip, and I was fine with that because he’s clearly mad about me. I never worried about him masterbating, but since we’ve been having sex (now for 5 months) I’m upset about him looking at porn. He says he doesn’t and I look at him, unconvinced. Coming also takes him a long time (easily 1-2 hours) and I can’t help but resent him for training his penis to be so used to a faster/harder stimulus. We share everything, but he’s caught me crying about it (I say it’s my insomnia) but I know we have to talk. How do I approach it without making him feel like he needs to protect me from the fact he looks at other women, or being accusative about the strong grip thing, but still address it? (I’m still as crazy as another woman, so I don’t even know if I want to hear the truth)

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Interesting situation. Considering you were both virgins and you are discovering sex together (but you’re also in your twenties) and waited six months to have sex, tells me that neither of you are very comfortable with the subject. I assume their are religious reasons for this as I can’t see how two twenty somethings could keep their hands off each other for six months without a higher purpose. But that is neither here nor there.

    Here’s my advice. A man in his early twenties who takes one to two hours to come has some issues going on. A typical man in his early twenties usually has to concentrate to make it past five minutes of thrusting without coming. So there are either physical things going on (perhaps desensitized by excessive masturbation) or psychological barriers (past sexual abuse, shame, guilt, etc).

    There’s no way you can even address the porn issue yet as there is no real agreed upon baseline for what is an acceptable sexual behavior So he’ll just do it behind your back and then take even longer to come because he’s living a double life. The best way to get around this is to sidestep the porn masturbation thing entirely and instead focus on how it’s affecting your sex life. Because, honestly, if he was a fantastic and attentive lover and knew how to make you come over and over again (ie, he better learn to eat pussy like a pro) you wouldn’t even care. It’s the fallout from his behavior that is really the issue. So by focusing on the results, it allows him to take an honest assessment of his behavior instead of defending it. It’s the difference between criticizing the way someone walks verses pointing out that their stomping is cracking the tiles. Focusing on the cracked tiles allows the heavy walker to evaluate his foot stomping in a non defensive way. Gee, I better figure out a way to walk without cracking the tiles!

    But no matter the origin, it won’t resolve itself. I recommend couples therapy with an emphasis on sexual relations. The way you relate to each other sexually sounds like you are teenagers but you’re adults. So your sexual maturity and self awareness is behind where it would usually be at your age. At least in the sexual realm. Which makes total sense because of your history together. So a neutral party could help a lot.

    [Reply]

    Alice Reply:

    I didn’t mention it, but we’re very open about sex. We’re always trying new stuff and discovering more things about each other (probably because 6 frustrating months of wanting to jump each others bones meant we were exploring boundaries). I always cum (normally 3 times, since he starts off with licking out my pussy). We share a room currently in a shared house, so I know he hasn’t masterbated in over a week (though, I admit we’ve had sex everyday) – even his showers aren’t long enough for a wank.

    You’re approach sounds perfect, thanks. I told him when I brought up the fact he takes ages to cum last time (about a month after being sexually active) I said after a year I’d want to go to a doctor. I’ve been thinking a lot about what it is that i’m actually upset about – it’s not jealousy, and I figured out my underlying thought process.
    Thank you loads for the advice, I’ll side step pornography, and focus on masterbation and reflect a little bit more on my issues before I bring them on him. Porn is going to used, and now I’ve read your article I just need to spend time chilling out about it, and internalising a different perspective.

    (also, waited six months because at 14, I made a naive decision at a christian event to wait till marriage! I changed my mind about that before I met my boyfriend, but I wanted to be sure I had the right guy – and I’m tiny and know I have a tight pussy and he’s over 6ft, so logistically I wanted to be comfortable and know that I’d be … well oiled. Payed off, I have an amazing first time story. Although, since I’ve known what I was missing I’ve not said no) – Again, tah. You have no idea how calm I am now.

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Quick question. Does he still take a long time when you have sex outside the house. I ask because some people get anxious if they are having sex with other people around and having sex in a shared home could be uneasy for a private person. Just though I’d throw that out there.

  • Straight Dope Dad Says:

    Quick question. Does he still take a long time when you have sex outside the house. I ask because some people get anxious if they are having sex with other people around and having sex in a shared home could be uneasy for a private person. Just though I’d throw that out there.

    [Reply]

  • ann Says:

    Okay I understand that everyone needs a outlet especially when they are sexually frustrated and I have no problem with my bf watching porn. I use to also and it didn’t become a issue until he told me that he thinks of having sex with random girls he sees on the street and when he watches porn he imagines himself doing the deed with the porn star. To me looking is one thing but putting yourself in the situation actually thinking of yourself intimate with someone besides your partner is crossing a line, am I wrong in this thought? I should say that once I expressed my feelings that he said he stopped and says he hasn’t watched porn which I don’t believe because of things found on his phone that he claims he doesn’t know how they got there. It was his idea to stop watching porn but now he is saying we need to have a talk about it he chose the time when I am most vulnerable because he knows I’ve been feeling inferior and that I can’t satisfy him which I use to be able to. How can he expect me to want to have sex with him if I feel crappy that he needs porn once again. He said he won’t think of himself with them because he was able to stop with random girls I think he is trying to convince me so I will be okay with it. I have no idea how to be okay with this and I know it will make me not want him I suggested a compromise but can’t think of one, is there a way to compromise on this? I know him being frustrated is affecting him and he is always angry now, we can’t be together everyday because of opposite work schedules and we have a one year old and are usually too tired to do anything.do you think making him some aids of me will help he has said he would love to have videos of me but I’m not sure what to do. I want us to find a comfortable medium so we can both get our needs met. Please help any advice would be great I know I can’t just accept this completely but a solution I can handle would be great.

    [Reply]

    Beth Reply:

    My boyfriend wanted me to do a lap dance for him, so I watched some beyonce videos – I recommend that just to get some ideas. If you get a chance while your brushing your teeth or something, try wiggling your hips (shift your weight from one leg to the other, straightening the knee that you have the weight on, which will push your hip to one side – remember to keep your bum in) It sounds stupid, but if I feel shit about how I look and feel, a wiggle reminds me I know how to use my body and it was made for me to use. It might be handy when talking to him because if you approach this knowing full well you’re damned sexy, his suggestions might be easier for you to consider doing in real life. I have an empty email account that I would be fine giving you if you wanted some anonymous advice (I’m a ballroom and latin dancer so I have a few tricks on holding yourself that makes you feel better even on ‘fat days’) Let me know, Beth

    [Reply]

  • Gypsy Says:

    I read this whole blog and I lived your frankness and honesty … You make some great points and I agreed with almost all that you said but I simply couldn’t pass by without leaving a comment
    This one thing was without doubt the most memorable thing
    Body wise, a lot of women do it for me more. This doesn’t mean that I’m unsatisfied or feel I’m missing out. I’d rather have a different house if I could wave a magic wand, but I’m 100% satisfied with the one we bought and I’m stoked to have it. I’m also 100% stoked to be with my partner as well. But if a magic fairy came down and said she’d make her breasts bigger, fuller and firmer, my partner would jump on that one faster than me. She misses her pre-breastfeeding breasts. Who wouldn’t?

    Surely your partner reads this ? And I just wanted to ask her if she is reading …. How on the deepest level this sits with her . Were they his babies you fed that ‘damaged’ your breasts ( as clearly he sees a mothers breasts as inferior to a woman’s who has never fed ) I know you both will likely tell me that you are so happy and it’s all good and you know this is only honest but seriously ??? How could that not affect you and make you question. His feelings
    I’m sorry but I truly believe that one day you risk this woman meeting a man who does not feel that way about her .. Like other woman do it better for him or that he would wish to change her body
    Just my opinion….

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Well, we just celebrated out 26th anniversary and things have never been better. So I’m too worried about her finding another guy. I’m totally into her and she knows it. But she would like to have her breasts back and honestly, I would too. Just because, given a choice, you would take another option, in no way is that the same as “wishing” for the same thing or being dissatisfied. If the penis fairy came down said “how about a little more girth and another inch?” I’d take it. If the ab fairy came a said ” how about a little more definition?” I’d take it. I know we’re not used to hearing honest feelings but this is just normal. I’d always take a free, no effort upgrade. Who wouldn’t? To not take it is just a pointless exercise in moral purity. But just because you’d take the upgrade in no way implies you’re dissatisfied with what you got or pining for some lost opportunity.

    [Reply]

  • TrishaMunro Says:

    Just read this whole blog and I am glad it’s still being followed/reviewed.

    So, here is my dilemma. I am 28, and my husband is 32. We have been together for 5 years.

    Our sex life initially was pretty awesome. The standard lust, want to fuck you every chance possible scenario. But shortly after he moved in with me our sex life declined. There were actual weeks, upon weeks of little to no sex. Honestly, at the time I just chalked it up to us being extremely busy with work. I had 2 jobs, and was not home from 6 am to 10 pm, same with him.

    Now flash forward. We recently had a baby. before getting pregnant we were having issues with intimacy. He never came to bed with me, and masturbated all the time. Pregnancy did not help. Even when I pleaded with him to come to bed with me, or at least at some point in the night so I could wake up to him….nope. He never did. It got to the point where I was sleeping on the couch to be near him at like 8 months pregnant….

    So now baby is here. After my 6 week check up, I was dying to go! Got the go ahead from the doc, told the hubby I was ready, doc said I was good to go, so let’s do it. I was soooo excited. Instead, after a few days of trying to initiate sex and being very indirectly regected, I walk in on him watching porn and masturbating at 3 am. No sex for me. Sadly, it’s been a decline since then. We have maybe had sex 2x a week…maybe since December 2013, and he masturbates daily, sometime multiple times a day. Always late at night when me and kiddo are already sleeping. He even does it after we have had sex. He never pursues me first though. It’s not like I am rejecting him so he has to help himself. I feel like I am not even an option from the get go.

    Soo,that being said, a few weeks ago after we had sex I noticed he masturbated twice that night, and I finally lost it. I told him it’s porn or me, at least until we get our shit sorted. So it’s been about 4 weeks now, and we have only had sex 3 times, and he’s claiming no porn. Kinda at a loss here??

    [Reply]

    Straight Dope Dad Reply:

    Wow. I’ll be straight up. If he doesn’t go to therapy with you to sort this out, I’d say your relationship is already over, he just doesn’t have the guts or maturity to say so. Masturbating that many times a day while simultaneously withholding intimacy with you is a serious mental problem. This is really the test for everything isn’t it? If a person can’t be a committed and attentive partner ( this includes being able to talk through things, being emotionally and physically present, kind, and flexible) because some activity is interfering with that (video games, sports, porn….could be anything)then that person has a problem.

    Whatever weird thing he’s trying to solve with his behavior will continue if you let it. The ultimatum is smart, but can you follow through? If you fail to act upon an ultimatum he will never take you seriously again.

    I’d say go for it as you really have nothing to lose as you clearly know that this can’t continue. The worst case scenario is that you save yourself years of misery because he chooses porn over you and you’d be free to build the life you deserve. Not that bad of an outcome really. The best case scenario is that he finally takes this serious and finds out why he’s such a sexual mental case and you two live happily ever after.

    Your husband is obviously miserable. Possible clinically depressed. Happy people don’t masturbate to porn right after they just has sex with their intimacy starved partner, who just gave birth to their kid. That’s a seriously defective thought process. With or without you, he’ll be soooo much happier, and a better dad, if he gets to the bottom of this.

    Good luck. Hang in their and don’t cave. Stay strong. He’ll probably thank you in the end.

    [Reply]

    Katie Reply:

    Haha I love this article. My bf watches porn, so what? He never chooses it over sex w me. I think that’s the only way it becomes problematic. I watch plenty of porn myself and I’m not into the kind that’s directed at females, either. I like some pretty hardcore stuff. As far as checking out other people, we are all human! I’m attracted to men and women and I check out both any chance I get. I would be worried if my man never noticed hot women. I mean come on, how many women can honestly say they have never masturbated fantasizing about that totally hot guy you saw at the gym, even while in a relationship? I fantasize about my bf from time to time but why limit my fantasies to one person? And I don’t expect that from him either. I think there are a lot of women who function similarly to men about this stuff. I can’t imagine that plenty of women don’t enjoy porn (even “male” porn) or check out hot guys. It’s just not socially acceptable to admit it as a female, even to yourself.

    [Reply]

    Katie Reply:

    Haha I love this article. My bf watches porn, so what? He never chooses it over sex w me. I think that’s the only way it becomes problematic. I watch plenty of porn myself and I’m not into the kind that’s directed at females, either. I like some pretty hardcore stuff. As far as checking out other people, we are all human! I’m attracted to men and women and I check out both any chance I get. I would be worried if my man never noticed hot women. I mean come on, how many women can honestly say they have never masturbated fantasizing about that totally hot guy you saw at the gym, even while in a relationship? I fantasize about my bf from time to time but why limit my fantasies to one person? And I don’t expect that from him either. I think there are a lot of women who function similarly to men about this stuff. I can’t imagine that there aren’t plenty of women enjoy porn (even “male” porn) or check out hot guys. It’s just not socially acceptable to admit it as a female, even to yourself.

    [Reply]

  • Katie Says:

    That was meant to be it’s own comment not a reply to the one above. Also didn’t mean to send twice. Stupid iphone being all kinds of confusing. Oh well, sorry bout that!

    [Reply]

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