Soulmates Are Bullshit – How to Find a Real Relationship
Summary: Fantasies of the perfect soulmate will kill any good relationship.
Is my partner of 21 years, the mother of my child, the one I trust with absolutely everything in my life, my soulmate? Puuuleeeze. Don’t be such a sentimental dope.
We weren’t “made” for each other. Magical forces were not afoot. Nor was this part of some cosmic plan. We had the opportunity to meet by being near the same age, in close geographic proximity to each other, while we were both young and single, and by having mutual friends. Eliminate any one of those factors and it probably never would have happened. Especially since we weren’t all that impressed with each other in the first place. Sure, we found each other attractive, but I thought she was too naive and wishy-washy intellectually and she though I was just too weird. Over time I realized that she wasn’t wishy-washy at all, she was just super sweet. She also had a strong moral core and a wicked sense of humor. These are non negotiable. If you’re not a kind person at your core, if you aren’t a beacon of goodness and moral character, if you can’t make me laugh, then it’s not going to work. Sorry. All the rest is just fluff.
Everyone wants a hotty that just blows them away. However, that’s unlikely to happen. No matter how hot the other person is, if you’re not turned on by their personality you won’t think they are so hot after a while. Likewise, someone who’ds just cute can become stunning over time if their personality turns you on. So more important than “take your breath away” beauty is finding a person’s face relaxing and pleasant to look at. Their looks should draw you in. Perk your curiosity. Make you want to learn more.
However, love at first sight type looks isn’t necessary. Like at first sight is plenty good enough.
Beauty comes and goes. Skin ages. Styles change. Your own feelings about the person will move them up and down the attractiveness scale. But if you can look at a persons face and feel relaxed and warm then you’ve got something you live with through thick and thin.
After you’ve found someone in the “pleasant to look at” category you need to see if you have stuff in common.
I don’t mean all the little bullshit stuff like music, movies, food, clothing, and hairstyles. I mean the stuff that matters.What core values and traits are essential for your long-term happiness? Keep the list to three items. Having the same favorite band doesn’t count. You should know this stuff. If you don’t, you need to figure it out because you’re not ready for a serious relationship.
This is the secret to a long-term relationship. Finding a person that is pleasant to look at and shares your three most important core values or traits. If you don’t have these things then you may not make it. The honeymoon phase will end soon enough and you’re going to need a solid foundation to handle what comes next.
Here’s another secret. Long term couples don’t always like each other. Some days you just want to kick their ass. Some days it’s amazing and you synchronize perfectly. Some days you just lay into each other. Sometimes the sex is earth shattering. Sometimes it’s just maintenance sex. There is an ebb and flow. It’s not static. Young couples will talk about how mad they were at breakfast and now have second thoughts about the relationship. Older couples will tell you how they were mad all week and just shrug it off without a passing thought. After a couple of decades you realize that there are even good years and bad years.
This is where the “finding a person that is pleasant to look at and shares your three most important core values or traits” foundation comes in. This is what keeps you from killing each other or running away. It’s what enables you to have a knock down half an hour fight and then ten minute latter sit down together to watch your favorite show in peace. It’s what allows your partner to feel comfortable enough to tell you stink and you better shower if you want any. And it’s what enables you to just go and shower without feeling rejected. It’s what allows you to go to bed angry and know with 100% certainty that you’ll be fine tomorrow. It’s what allows you to complain to your buddy that your partner has been such a bitch lately, and it’s what makes you instantly defend her if he agrees.
This is the paradox of the “perfect” relationship. It’s not perfect. But long-term couples are in it to win it and don’t have any plans to bail. They don’t get distracted by normal couple conflicts.
I wish there was some magical perfect person for everyone on the planet. One being that would deliver a harmonious state of Nirvana. But it’s just not true. There are thousands of “perfect” mates scattered around the globe and each one can make you equally happy as well as equally frustrated. It’s just that each one will do it in a different way.
If you can accept that, then you’re go to go. The rest is just fluff.
That’s it for now.
File Under: Dating Tips – Finding a Soulmate – Developing a Long Term Relationships – Finding a Life Partner – How to Find the Right Person to Spend the Rest of Your Life With